Showing posts from 2009

Reflecting on 2009

Today I looked at my old blog, the one on the right, titled "My old Diana's Weight Loss Journey". I don't even remember why I started a new blog in March 2009. I vaguely remember it was something to do with this guy. :)

I was in search of my 2009 goals, which I found in my January 1, 2009 post. I also found my old blog was black type on a black background which made it unreadable. No idea how that happened.

When I read through my 2009 goals I wanted to cry. My first thought was that I'm a big, fat failure. I didn't actually make any of my 2009 goals happen, and I only had four goals. Then I decided to try and look at the glass half full instead of half empty.

Some of these goals are still going to be on my 2010 list, but here's how I did for 2009. Fortunately it was a short list.

1. Get to my goal weight of 135 (28.6 pounds to go!).

~~~ This was a fail. Any way I look at it I failed. I don't even know how I can put a positive spin on this one. I was so clo…

Just another Monday (on vacation)

A blog worth checking out
I read a lot of weight loss blogs. I don't always comment because I don't always have something worthwhile to say or I'm in a rush, but that doesn't mean I'm not reading your blog. Many of you are really great writers with lots of ideas and suggestions on how to be healthy and fit. Even those of you that struggle, you still give me hope because you keep on trying.

Today I came across a blog that's I think is worth mentioning. Oh She Glows written by Angela Liddon, a beautiful young woman that lives in Milton, Ontario.

I have to admit when I first read her "about" story I was turned off because her highest weight was 147 (she's 5' 4"). Fortunately, I kept reading and realized the real difference between Angela and myself is that she figured it all out before she gained another 100 pounds.

I remember weighing 147 pounds. It was when I graduated college. I remember I felt as big as a cow, and how I thought I was so incr…

Still alive after 36 hours of hell

I'm not sure what happened to me Saturday but after my two-hour workout at the gym I became really sick as soon as I got home. Room spinning dizziness, horrible nauseousness and dry heaves because I hadn't eaten anything before going to the gym.

It continued all day yesterday, throughout the night until 6am this morning when I sort of started to feel human again and could finally lay down on the bed. Prior to that the movement of the bed made me feel sick so I was either laying on the floor or sitting in a hard chair.

I couldn't even keep water down. I tried eating saltines and I threw up. I took Pepto Bismol and threw up. I couldn't watch TV because the movement and the noise made me feel even more nauseous. I couldn't even read because of the dizziness.

My husband found me curled up in a ball on the bathroom floor at 3am and tried to make me go to the emergency room. I refused. I told him if I was still sick in the morning, then maybe. The thought of going to the em…

A new beginning

Christmas. Food. Lots and lots of food. After the last two Christmases of being a really good little Weight Watcher, yesterday I made the attempt but finally said to hell with it. The Weight Watcher recipes I made turned out disastrous.

The Weight Watcher stuffing recipe, the Smashed Buttermilk Potatoes from their Thanksgiving magazine issue, and the 3-Point pumpkin pie all tasted really terrible. The stuffing was dry, the potatoes, well, turns out I hate buttermilk, and the pie, I messed up and accidentally doubled the sugar. It wasn't even edible.

So I dug into the real stuffing that was full of butter (I know, because I made it) and the real mashed potatoes with again, lots of butter. Because doesn't lots of butter equal lots of love?

I also drank too many Pomegranate martinis. Actually, they were mostly juice. I love Pomegranate juice but it's very high calorie so it wasn't much of a trade off to have mostly juice instead of vodka.

Oh, and the pumpkin pie from Costco. …

I have the power

Since I returned from Edmonton over a week ago I started my late night binging. I've been like an addict that has lapsed and returned to her drug. Sneaking, quietly into the kitchen around midnight, and eating whatever I could find. I've disgusted myself.

During the day I'm the perfect Weight Watcher. Eating very healthy, working out two hours a day of intense exercise. At night I become a different person. It's a sickness.

Last night I was reading the latest issue of US Weekly. I really bought it because Elin and Tiger were on the cover. I can't help it but I'm fascinated by their story. The perfect woman with the perfect face and perfect body, with two perfect children married to what we all thought was the perfect man. As sordid as the story is, I can't stop reading about it.

I digress. Also on the front cover is the Biggest Loser at-home winner, Rebecca Meyer. She went from 279 pounds to 140 pounds. At the start of the article the journalist ask Rebecca &q…

Getting a grip

Yesterday's post was a sad one, one of my "woe is me, my life sucks" posts. Dawn was right when she said it sounded like depression. I was depressed and have been for months. Mild depression, not suicidal stuff, just a feeling that all is not right in my world. Some days are darker than others and yesterday was one of the darkest.

This morning I woke up feeling a wee bit better about my life. It's really not quite as bad as I make it sound. It's not perfect by a long shot, but on the other hand, it could be a hell of a lot worse.

Christmas always does this too me, makes me sad for the things and people I don't have in my life. I miss my mother a lot this time of year because she always made the holidays so special for me when I was a kid. My childhood Christmases are the stuff of a Norman Rockwell painting. It was perfect, or at least, that's how I remember it.

This year I started early on the seasonal depression so by the time the Christmas season came arou…

Trying to stay positive

Over the past several days I thought of a hundred things to write about but all the topics were downers. Each time I'd even think about writing a post I found myself spiraling down into a self-pity party.

My Edmonton trip is over. Having my husband go with me was a huge mistake. Instead of making things better, it made me miserable. When I'm working in a new city away from home, I'm highly stressed. After a day of meeting new people, trouble shooting problems, making endless phone calls to my home office, the last thing I wanted to do is go out and have "fun". I just wanted to crawl to my hotel room and collapse.

As a result of me not being fun, we had a huge fight while in Edmonton. Probably one of our all time worse fights in our 21 years of marriage. He left a day early to go home, which was fine with me. I couldn't handle the double stress of my day job and then my night job of being a loving wife.

Even though it's been almost a week we're both still…

A fat rant

by Joy Nash

So much to do, so little time

I have a lot of stuff to do today to get ready for our trip to Edmonton tomorrow. I say "our" because my husband is accompanying me on my business trip for the very first time. It should be interesting. Hopefully we won't wind up in divorce court when we get home. He's never seen me in full work mode crazy on one of these trips. Sometimes it's not a pretty sight.

I spent the morning with hubby at the urgent care clinic. He's been sick for 12 days with flu, cough, and now a bad sinus infection. Funny thing, I almost gave him my antibiotics last night. I went to the doctor yesterday for my cough syrup and the doctor insisted on giving me antibiotics even though I protested that I wasn't "that" sick.

I filled my prescriptions (including my codeine cough syrup, the nectar of the Gods), but I was determined not to take the antibiotics. Then I woke up this morning feeling sicker than I did when this all started and coughing up all kinds of nasty stuff.


Day 7: I was superwoman this morning!

I'm not one to toot my own horn, but this morning, I rocked it at the gym. Seriously, I really did.

After yet another sleepless night of coughing and hacking in spite of my nightly shot of NyQuil, I woke up in a foul mood. Really unhappy and tired. My first thought was noooooo! I can't, and darn it, I won't!

I reluctantly got dressed in my workout clothes, stood in the kitchen in the dark and drank a cup of coffee. I was thinking about how bad I felt and I was sick and it's only 17 degrees, and well, the excuses to not workout were endless. An entire repertoire of "poor me!", this isn't fair.

Luckily, my inner skinny girl that's fighting against my outer fat girl said get your butt out of the house, in that car and to the gym. I promised myself 20 minutes on the StairMaster and I could come home.

Well, I did 30 minutes on the StairMaster, from level 4 all the way up to level 9. Then I worked out with the weights for a full 30 minutes. I was a soaking, wet…

Day 5 & 6: Hanging on by my toenails

It's sure not easier the hundredth time around the block with this weight loss stuff. It's almost as tough as it was at the beginning, but I'm hanging in there.

This cold has really knocked me down. The coughing is making me crazy. I'm going in to see the doctor for some codeine cough syrup tomorrow. I need to sleep through the night before I hit Edmonton on Sunday.

My husband is going with me to Edmonton. It's the first time he's joined me on a business trip. When I told my coworker that's also been doing these trips, to different cities than me, he asked me what's wrong with him...why does he wants to see you in all kinds of crazy? Well put.

I've booked a room with a fireplace, hot tub and a king sized bed. My husband wants to go to the mall on Sunday. Did I ever mention I kind of hate shopping? Being in the world's 3rd largest mall isn't exactly my idea of a good time.

I was looking at my 2008 weight loss calendar where I write my weight almo…

Days 3 & 4: Still among the living

Someday I'll learn to listen to my body. On Sunday, I was wiped out all day, barely able to get dressed and get to the gym by 5pm. It was cold out, 32 degrees and my throat was sore. I just thought I was being a lazy, sloth-like person and forced myself to go to the gym.

The workout hurt like heck. I was sweating, but that was before I even started the workout! I felt clammy and chilled to the bone. My breathing was difficult and labored. I couldn't understand how I'd gotten so out of shape in such a short time.

Well guess what? I have a cold (or maybe it's the flu, I'm never sure). I've been flat on my back for two days, waking up and not knowing if it was a.m. or p.m. My body aches and my mind has been in a fog. I've been coughing up gross, nasty junk from my infected lungs. Tonight is the first time I ventured into the kitchen looking for food.

I'm going to work tomorrow since I have to get things ready for my Edmonton trip next week, and I'm actual…

Day 2 continued: Paying for my sins

For most of the day I sat around in my pajamas curled up next to the fireplace, reading magazines, and watching several episodes of Snapped while cuddling my cat. Plus listening to my husband hack and cough and complain as he's recovering from the flu. It was basically a pretty good day. I felt relaxed and warm and comfortable. Happy to be at home.

At 4pm I forced myself to get dressed for the gym. It was utter torture working out today. The extra weight has made my workouts painful. My left knee hurts, my left heel hurts. My lungs were screaming at me while I was on the StairMaster for thirty minutes and then the elliptical for another thirty. My arms are still achy and sore from yesterday's workout, and I could barely left them above my head to pull on my workout shirt.

This is my penance for having eaten like a pig, not exercised on a regular basis, and gaining 22 pounds in the last few months. Today's workout was painful. Looking back, the last few months really weren…

Day 2: It's not easy to start over

This is my second day back on track. I forgot how hard it is to go from eating junk to eating a healthy, low-calorie, low-fat diet. And the exercise. Oh my gosh! I've heard of muscle memory but I think mine forgot everything they ever knew.

After 40 minutes of cardio and 40 minutes of upper body weights yesterday I could barely lift my arms last night. I looked in my exercise journal and my last serious weight lifting workout was Nov. 18. No wonder I'm in pain! I've had a few treadmill or elliptical workouts, but no strength training in almost three weeks. I felt weak as I lifted 20-pound dumbells. I hate that feeling. Plus it hurt like hell.

My food choices the last few months have been horrible and got worse as time went on. Last week was my absolute worst week. I was eating cookies and candy like an addict. Oakland airport had See's candy booths everywhere (San Francisco is the See's candy headquarters).

Unfortunately the Oakland airport was a smorgasbord of unheal…

Day 1: Does this mean I'm a failure?

I weighed 154.6 on 2/17/2009. Today I weigh 176.8. That's a gain of 22.2 pounds. I feel like a big, fat failure.

My list of excuses for gaining so much weight is long. The main one is I've been on the road a lot during the last four months. Either work, family emergency or vacation kept me away from home and my routine. I don't do well when I don't follow my routine. Even when I was home for the weekends it took me a day to get back into the groove of things, only to leave on a Monday for another trip. I never got a routine down when I was away. I don't know why, but it just seemed impossible and unimportant.

My hours were long and erratic. I never knew from one day to the next what hours I'd be working or for how long I'd be standing on my feet, and stressed about the endless problems at work. It played havoc on my body and my mind. I feel like I've been depressed for months.

The really sad part is I feel like a complete failure in the weight loss game. I…


Just pictures I took today. I take tons of pictures, pretty much every day of my life.

This one is the trail that runs in front of my hotel along the water. I went for a walk here today. It looks a lot prettier in the picture than it did in person. The water is terribly polluted, full of garbage. Plastic bags, potato chip bags, even condoms were floating in the water. The grossest thing I've ever seen. Of course I'm only four miles from the airport, always a notoriously bad area of any city.

This was a picture I took from inside the Oakland Airport terminal. They have a great view.
More pictures from in front of the hotel, on the paved trail.

Pigeon picture. :)

The pier in front of the hotel here in Oakland is the San Antonio fishing pier. Guys were fishing off this pier. I'd never eat anything caught in this water. Too gross! And don't they know San Antonio is in Texas?

Cool artwork in the Oakland terminal, painted on the windows. Not in our terminal, but in our arch enemy&…

Greetings from California

I'm in Oakland for my job, another deployment that has gone awry. It's 2 a.m. and essentially the entire counter and gates are down right now and none of the "experts" can figure out how to get it all working.

You would think by now, this being our seventh city doing this, that we would all have it figured out. Unfortunately, that's not the case. Every airport is different, different network setups, different systems. I just hope we can get it all working by 5 a.m. when the counter opens...or it will be hell. I'm not even sure how we can function without computers and printers.

Diet and Exercise
My eating is on track. I lost a pound since yesterday, so I'm back to my pre-Thanksgiving, and pre-death in the family weight. I'm still up 20 pounds from where I was a couple months ago, but I'm working on it.

My hotel is pretty nice, and my room is gorgeous. I'm in the new section with the new gym., which I haven't been able to check out yet (lat…

Post Thanksgiving update

Alaskan Snow Puppies (my sister's two Bichon Frises) View from the road my sister lives on - the Tanana River near North Pole, Alaska (at 3pm)Tanana River
I'm back home. I had a really good week with my sister and her family, and my brother. A lot of visiting, remembering the good times with my brother-in-law. A few tears, but more laughter than tears. Although leaving was really hard it was wonderful to sleep in my own bed last night. I'm glad to be home.I weighed on my home scales this morning. I'm up .6 pounds. That's slightly over 1/2 pound. Instead of beating myself up for not losing weight, which was my goal, I'm actually kind of happy it's only 6/10ths of a pound. It could have been so much worse.

I worked out on the treadmill and with the weights for at least an hour five of the eight days I was in Fairbanks, and went for a two hour walk on the last day (it was 30 degrees - spring time weather!). I ate healthy every day until after dinner. Then the co…

Happy Thanksgiving!

The top picture is what I see while walking/running on the treadmill at my sister's house. The picture was taken at noon, and you can the sun is barely above the trees. Total daylight here is now at 5 hours and 14 minutes.

The second picture is what I see when I lay on the floor by the windows to do my floor exercises, and look up. It's so pretty here, it looks like a Christmas card when I look outside.

I've exercised three of the last four days, 50 minutes on the treadmill and only about 20 minutes weights. I don't have my iPod, so I watch TV. It's kind of like torture but I've been doing it.

My food has been pretty good, lots of vegetables and fruits, except those darn cookies, ice cream and candy that are here for the kids are getting me almost every night. I'm perfect all day, then ruin it each night. I'm hoping the exercise is helping. I haven't dared step on the scales all week even though they haunt me every day.

It's early here in North Pole…

Greetings from Alaska

Yes, they kill animals and stuff them, then put them in airports up here in Alaska. These are polar bears in the Anchorage airport, where we changed planes on our way to Fairbanks. A rather barbaric custom. The first picture is of some mountains on our way to Anchorage. Mountains are everywhere up here. So beautiful.

The memorial service
Yesterday the memorial service yesterday for my brother-in-law was really beautiful. The picture boards my nieces (his daughters) had put together brought tears to my eyes, but at the same time emphasized he lived a very full and happy life.

The little chapel was filled with people that had worked with him or known him for many years. Everyone had warm, funny, or loving memories to share. It was -34 degrees yesterday, but people in Fairbanks don't let the weather stop them. They were all there and it helped my sister a lot to hear the stories about her husband. There were tears and laughter as we listened to people stand up and share their memories o…

It's a crazy life, but it's my life

Quoting Jon Gosselin (who would of thought??).

My life is going to be a bit nuts the next few weeks, not that is hasn't been pretty crazy for several weeks, so really it's just the saga continuing.

My husband and I are leaving in about two hours for Fairbanks for Thanksgiving week with my sister, nieces and their families, and my brother and his wife. It'll be a bittersweet week since the patriarch of the family won't be at the dinner table Thanksgiving day. Here's the link to my brother-in-law's obituary. He lived a good life and I'm sure he's in a better place right now. It's just the rest of us that are suffering.

The Monday after Thanksgiving I'll be heading to Oakland for a week for work. Then a week in the office. December 14 I'll be off to Edmonton, Alberta (Canada) for a week. Immediately after that we're going to Denver to spend time with my husband's sister and family, and his dad. After that a week in Arkansas with my mother-…

It beats the alternative

It was almost impossible for me to get to the gym this morning. It was dark, pouring rain, windy and cold. At 5am it took every bit of energy I had to get out of bed, dressed in my workout clothes, get into the car and drive to the gym.

How did I do this all last winter? Even after I got to the gym this morning I had to force myself to work out. Maybe it's because I worked out late yesterday, 4pm-6pm, or maybe like so many others, I'm just tired of it all.

I was on the StairMaster thinking to myself, would it be so bad to die at 73? Let's say I stopped exercising today, stopped watching what I eat and just forget about being healthy. I wonder what would happen?

1. I'd be tired, sad, depressed, miserable. My self-esteem would plummet.

2. I wouldn't be able to do my job to the best of my ability.

3. My marriage would suffer because I wouldn't have any confidence and wouldn't want to go anywhere or do anything. I'd take it out on my husband.

4. I'd probably …

I now return you to my regularly scheduled programming.

Being home for a day has done wonders for my attitude and outlook on life.

During the past few weeks I was eating a lot of bad food in excess. Just for the record, I believe there are "bad" foods, things that probably shouldn't even be eaten in moderation. Unfortunately for me, I don't seem to have an ounce of moderation or control when it comes to these bad foods.

I was eating a lot of processed foods high in sugar, white flour and fat, and very little exercise. I've been in a fog for weeks. My brain hasn't been clear, and I felt like I wasn't really living in the here and now.

Perhaps it was the stress or laziness on my part, but my eating was very unhealthy. I could have and should have made healthier choices.

After just one day of being on plan and 90 minutes of exercise where I really pushed myself, I feel a hundred percent back to the old me. It's a really good feeling. It's true, we are what we eat.
I'm going to bed now. I'm actually loo…

Life is for the living

I took today off from work and stayed home, alone. I'm so exhausted from lack of sleep, stress and overwhelming sadness that I couldn't stand the thought of going back to work and explaining what happened during the last two weeks.

I'm actually doing much better. I went to a 10am Weight Watcher meeting and feel like I'm back in touch with life, and back to eating healthy and exercising.

I went crazy with the eating the last two weeks. The hospital cafeteria was only open three hours a day (and the food was horrible!). The other option was Subway, which was right next to the cafeteria. We usually only ate two meals a day, and I had to force my sister to eat anything. I, on the other hand, was on some sort of feeding frenzy, eating my emotions.

I ate a lot of vending machine candy, cookies, and ice cream (Dove bars). I managed to gain 7.2 pounds since my last weighin on October 10. I'm back up to 176.4.

The WW meeting was great and I feel totally back on track. I've …

Death is part of life

In spite of all the prayers, even my sister the atheist going to the hospital chapel and praying several times a day, my brother-in-law passed away last Wednesday. My sister, his wife of 51 years, and I held his hand and each other as the life support was turned off. He was gone within a few minutes.

This is just something we have to go through. Death is part of life. I don't like it but I accept it.

Thank you for all your thoughts and prayers.

Please pray

My sister's husband suffered an extremely bad heart attack yesterday, while he was working out at the gym. They've been going to the gym five days a week for the last two years.

My brother-in-law had open heart surgery last night, a quadruple bypass, and mitral valve replacement. They've given him a 15% of survival. His heart is very damaged, his kidneys and lungs are shutting down. If you believe in God, please pray for him and my sister.

I'm in Anchorage, Alaska, staying in the hospital hotel with my sister. They've been married 51 years and this is breaking my heart.

Thank you.

In your life how efficient is your energy?

Reinventing The Body, Resurrecting The Soul by Deepak Chopra
In your life how efficient is your energy? Quiz on pg. 48.

My score: 17

17-25 points. Your life is barely your own because so much is out of your control. Daily life is a struggle just to keep things together, and most days you feel that you are losing the fight. On the periphery something very wrong is probably happening. You are being held back either psychologically or by bad circumstances. To get back on track, outside professional help will be needed.


7 mini Musketeers = 475 calories, 1 bike ride = 538 calories

Today, life is good. Even with the Musketeers. :)

Losing my way

I'm taking a month off from blogging. I read back through several of my recent posts (and deleted several). I was dismayed that everything was focused on work. My job has been consuming me for the last five weeks. It's all I talk or think about anymore.

I considered completely deleting my blog since no one really reads it anymore anyway, and I certainly understand why they don't. It's suppose to be a "weight loss" blog, not a "my job sucks" blog. My goal is to refocus on what's important, and take some time to think.

Someone recently commented they thought my priorities were mixed up because I had listed my job as number one, health number two, and my marriage number three. They said my marriage should be number one. Thank you Jack.

I've been thinking about this for the past two weeks and I agree my marriage should be number one in my life, or at least near the top. Without my husband I would be lost. Without my health, I'd probably be dead…

Sunrise in hell

Yes, I'm still here, another night in paradise. Or hell, however you want to look at it. Sadly, it sounds like I'll be back Monday. I just don't want to think about that right now.

This morning I went for a walk down by the water instead of going to the hotel gym. It's really pretty here, even by the airport. There's a little path that runs along the water and there were a lot of joggers, walkers and bikers out there this morning.

Funniest thing, I had my iPod and normally always listen to a playlist, but I let it shuffle among the over 300 songs I have on it. There's mostly top 40 stuff, a little hip hop, a few country songs and about 20 pop Christian songs. You'll never guess what song it hit on first when I started my walk. Amazing Grace by Chris Tomlin.

It was a gorgeous sunrise. It made me wish my husband was here to enjoy it with me. Sort of a bittersweet morning.

San Francisco Bay

Across the road from my hotel, 6 a.m. Thursday San Francisco Bay
About 6:40 …

Remembering to smile

Okay, I need an attitude adjustment. I just got up, checked email, wrote a status email for work, then read my last two posts.

I need to get over myself, and for God's sakes, stop writing posts at the end of the day!

Things are a little tough, but seriously, I like the pressure. I'm the project manager on this particular project. If things go well, I look good, if things go bad, I don't look so good. It's been an absolute roller coaster since we got here. One moment, things are going fabulous, the next thing I know it's all going to hell in a hand basket.

The truth, it's interesting, challenging, it makes my brain hurt, it stresses me, but makes me have a feeling of great accomplishment. It hasn't made me cry, not yet. It's a good job, and a great opportunity. In reality, I'm pretty lucky at 54 to have been given a chance at a totally new career path.

So in spite of all my whining and belly aching, it's not a bad gig I have here.

My goal today is t…

Still hanging on...just barely

I'm still in San Francisco. Not a whole lot to say tonight. I'm very tired, frustrated, not exactly happy. More tired than unhappy though, so I guess that's a good thing.

Eating isn't perfect. I'm missing meals then eating too much when I do get to eat. I worked out Monday and Tuesday, but overslept today. Tomorrow I'll go to the hotel gym.

I still want to go home. Maybe tomorrow.

Where are YOU?

In a dark hotel room, somewhere near the San Francisco airport, my cell phone rings at 12:37am. I awake from a sound sleep to answer it.

Me: "Hello?"

Husband: "Hi!"

Me: "Why are you calling me?"

Husband: "I wanted to me make sure you're okay."

Me: "Of course I'm okay. I'm home. I don't understand why you're calling me."

Husband: "You're not home, you're in San Francisco."

Me: "I AM home and I don't know why you're calling me. Just come talk to me. "

Husband: "Diana, you're not home."

Me: "Yes, I'm home! Where are YOU?"

Husband: "You're NOT home."

I try to look around to see where I am. It's pitch black in the room. Then I realize it's not my bed and I'm not home. It dawns on me, I'm still in San Francisco! My husband is home and calling me in San Francisco.

It's very disorienting to wake up and not know where you are, or to think…

The scar

I'm in a hotel in San Francisco, alone. I'm here for work. I am not having fun. Major problems with my project at the airport. Back at it tomorrow for another long day.

I wrote the post below a few weeks ago but never posted it. Tonight, after removing my makeup, and staring at myself in the mirror, I could see the scar is really noticeable. It's because I'm tired and stressed. But when I smile, the scar disappears.

Yesterday's pictures are there now, not sure why they weren't there yesterday. You can see the hooker shoes that I don't own anymore. And yes, I actually wore them a couple of times. Sometimes I'm stupid like that.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~The Scar
There's a scar on my lower lip. It's just a little vertical mark that crosses my lower lip line. It's not really noticeable to most people. When I get really tired, it becomes more pronounced.

The scar is a reminder of a very bad time in my life. I was 22 and had …

I give up

I give up on ever wearing these size 7, slim fit jeans. I've had these jeans in my closet since 1997. That was the last time I weighed 124 pounds and had a 27" waist. I remember I was shopping with my mom and when I tried on these jeans, they fit. I looked skinny, really skinny. I was ecstatic to finally fit into a size 7.

I also remember I felt like hell. I was weak and tired and hungry. It was my vegetarian, starvation phase, and eating less than 10 grams of fat a day. When I'd bend over and stand up quickly I'd see stars.

I never wore these jeans. I was only at the 124-pound mark for about three weeks. I proceeded to gain 120 pounds over next two years. These jeans have remained on a hanger in the back of my closet all this time. I pull them out every year or so when I'd start a new diet. They were my goal jeans.

Today I was putting away my summer clothes when I came across these jeans. I've finally accepted it, I will never weigh 124 pounds again. I'm 5&#…

The best dinner ever!

I've been following Lia's blog for over a year. She's an amazing young woman. She reminds of someone with an old soul in a young person's body. She's figured out things about life that I'm still trying to figure out.

Lia is attending a Swiss hospitality school. When she wrote about her sprialized zucchini with cashew afredo sauce, I asked her to post the recipe. In the meantime I ordered a spiralizer from, and it came today.

It was so much fun to spiralize the zucchini, and it was really easy to use. I'm a nut for kitchen gadgets and this thing is great.

Tonight I made Lia's recipe for spiralized zucchini with cashew alfredo sauce. It was absolutely the best thing I've ever eaten in my life. Seriously, it was that good. As I was making it I said to my husband you can sure tell she's a chef because there were no amounts in her recipe, so I winged it. It turned out fantastic!

My husband, who never says something is really good unless he rea…

Cat on a hot tin roof

Not really a hot tin roof, but it is a cat on a roof. That's Mickey Mouse, my cat, on top of our roof. That's where he was when we came home Thursday night. My husband left the ladder up against the roof when he was cleaning out the gutters last weekend. Mickey figured out how to climb up (and thankfully down) the ladder. Really nothing to do with this post, but this post really doesn't have anything to do with much of anything.

I have a very busy weekend to get ready for a business trip to San Francisco on Monday. Today it's Weight Watchers, gym, haircut, mani/pedi, and buy a new suitcase. I'm going to check a bag for this trip. My old bag was destroyed on the last trip. I rarely check a bag but it's a necessity for this trip because of the stuff I have to take with me. This time I'm going to buy the wildest color I can find, definitely not black. If I can find zebra stripe, I'm buying it. I'm tired of looking at a hundred black bags trying to find…

Doin' the Puallup!

We went to the Dave Koz-Brian Culbertson-Peabo Bryson concert last night. It was at the fair. Puyallup is where the fair is held, their slogan is "Doin' the Puallup!". That makes two things I kind of hate, jazz and the fair. At least I thought hated them.

Surprisingly, I was wrong! Turns out I can appreciate good jazz. The crowd was so into the performers and the music that it was contagious. Completely different crowd than P!nk. About half African American and almost everyone was our age or older.

My husband loves jazz so he was in heaven. I'd never heard of Peabo Bryson, but all his songs were top forty songs. He sang If Ever You're in My Arms Again along with some of his other hits. The concert was outside and it was extremely romantic.

Dave and Brian were awesome musicians, and if you close your eyes jazz actually sounds pretty good. So it wasn't torture at all and I had a really good time. Not as good as at my girl P!nk's concert, but still good.

This is…

If I could bottle this up for later

You know the feeling, the feeling that nothing could make you eat something you shouldn't or eat too much or eat late at night. That super-human strength that comes from somewhere, that saves you from yourself.

I've been binge-free for four nights in a row. I think this must be a record. Last night I was hungry around 11pm (late night), but I told myself breakfast was only seven hours away. I could last seven hours without eating. I think I read that tip in Dr. Beck's Diet Solution, or maybe someones blog. It worked.

Writing down my food in a regular journal, adding up the calories is really helping me. Maybe it's because it's different or because I can see all the food I've eaten during the day, written in my handwriting. The calories have been between 1100 and 1500, the Points between 20 and 30. It's really working out to 1 Point equals about 50 calories, every single day.

Whatever it is that's working for me, I wish I could save it for when I'm feel…

Exercise is not optional

At least once a week someone will ask me what motivates me to exercise. They want to know my secret. When I tell them I like how it makes me feel, or I want to live longer and be healthier, keep my weight down, wear cute clothes, they nod in agreement, but I can tell they don't really get it. They still want to know how I do it.

I wish I did have a secret to share with people, that would motivate them to exercise. There just isn't any secret, but there are a few things I can share that might help.

When I weighed 240 pounds it hurt a lot to exercise. I would feel a pain in my chest, my asthma would flare up and I could barely breathe, my feet would ache and hurt, even on the elliptical machine. It was pure and utter torture. In the beginning I would only do cardio for 30 minutes, four days a week. Every day I thought I was going to die. Every day, I wanted to die.

As much as I hated it in the beginning, I knew not exercising wasn't an option for me. I was 53 at the time (19 …