Posts

Showing posts from March, 2009

And so it begins

I remember when my manager told me my new job responsibilities a few weeks ago, managing a project that would require a lot of traveling. I thought it sounded fun, meeting new people, traveling to new places. Things always sound good to me at first, then the reality hits and it doesn't sound so good anymore.

Case in point. Tomorrow my flight departs Seattle to Oakland at 7:15 a.m. My return flight departs San Jose and I arrive back into Seattle at 7:15 p.m. This makes for a very long day.

Next week it's Miami and Orlando. Sounds fun doesn't it? Think again. Fly into Miami, get a hotel for overnight, visit Miami airport in the morning, fly to Orlando, visit the airport that afternoon and hopefully catch that night's flight back to Seattle. Eleven hours of sitting on an airplane in two days.

Then there's Mexico. My husband isn't thrilled with me traveling to Mexico by myself with all the recent reports of violence. I'll be in the airport most of the time or in t…

Why is running so sexy?

I don't have the answer to that question, but it's true. There's something about running that's very cool and very sexy. I don't know if it's the incredible endorphin rush I get or the fact that I'm pushing my body to it's limits or the sweat that pours off of me when I run (okay, I didn't say I looked sexy, but I feel sexy). Maybe it's the incredible sense of accomplishment when I'm done. Whatever it is, I love running and the feeling I get from it.

When I was running 10-minute miles about two months ago I felt great. I was on top of my game. Then tragedy struck. A knee injury caused by running. It hurt like hell, and I didn't think it would ever heal. Finally, after two months of only doing the elliptical and the cross ramp for my cardio, the pain disappeared about a week ago.

Saturday I tested out my knee by walking at 4 mph and jogging at 5 mph, at two minute intervals for only twenty minutes. I didn't have any pain the next day.

Th…

A confession to Tony - the anti-jared

I read Tony's Saturday post and was shocked to see he mentioned my blog as one of his favorites. Some of you may remember the flame war Tony and I had a few months ago. I swore that I'd never mention his name again or read his blog. I quit reading his blog for a few weeks, but found myself wandering over there occasionally. Pretty soon I was a regular reader again. I couldn't stay away.

The thing with Tony is that he can annoy the hell out of me at times, and I can totally disagree with what he says. Then he will post something very moving and inspirational, something that really makes me stop and think. With Tony's blog I always feel something. Sometimes it's annoyance, but more often I'm inspired.

Tony had a post a while back about how easy it would be for him to blow off his 5 a.m. workouts. He said he could blow off one, say he was too tired, then two, and the next thing he'd know he wouldn't be working out at all and he'd gain back his weight. He…

It's ugly...+11.6 pounds in five weeks

Weigh in 3/25/2009 :

Current weight: 166.4

Gained: +11.8

Total Lost: 72.8

Pounds to lose to goal: 31.4

I knew it would be bad, but I didn't know it was going to be THAT bad.

Last night's meeting was very different than my normal meeting, it was a smaller group and lower keyed. The person that weighed me was the leader. He was really nice and talked to me for ten minutes about what had happened and how I could get back on track. He also said I was still a superstar with a loss of 72.8 pounds. That made me smile.

After the meeting Phil talked to me again, impressing on me not to give up, that this was just a slight setback. It meant a lot to me that Phil gave me the attention and encouragement that I desperately needed after such a terrible gain.

My plan is very simple. Just do what I did faithfully for the first six months:

1. Track my Points
2. Stay within my daily Point range (20 + 4APs + 5 Flex = 29 Total)
3. Exercise 1 hour a day, 5 or 6 days a week (I've never stopped doing th…

The clouds have parted

Image
Sometimes I go back to a post I've written and think what the hell was wrong me to write such drivel? Yesterday's post was one of those posts. I'm not sure what that pity party was all about but I'm totally over it. Your kind and supportive comments were greatly appreciated, and you helped me realize that my life really isn't all doom and gloom. Some days are just like that I guess, where the smallest annoyances seem monumental.

Today is a much better day. I've made peace with myself for some poor choices I made during the past year (with my therapist's help yesterday). I really do think things happen for a reason, and I think my poor choices have actually made me stronger. Even my marriage, which I thought would be destroyed by what I had done, seems to be stronger and better because of it. I really don't regret anything that's happened. For me to feel this way is huge. I've been packing around a load of guilt for almost a year.

Now for the task …

My mood is almost black as the Seattle skies today

Image
Some people will say there she goes again, the drama queen in action. Honestly, I don't want to be like this. I'd give anything to be a normal, even-keeled person, without the highs and lows that are my life. Sometimes I envy the Lexapro induced happiness of my friends. Even though I know it's an artificial state of being, I'm somewhat jealous. I'm just not sure it's worth giving up days like yesterday, when everything was great.
So what happened to my "I'm so happy to be alive" feeling I had yesterday? Yesterday afternoon I exchanged some unpleasant emails with a former friend. It left me with a very bad feeling.
I had an argument with my husband almost the minute I walked in the door last night.
Dinner wasn't done until 8:30pm (because of #2).
I went to bed alone at 9 p.m, angry, hurt and feeling sorry for myself.
I drank two glasses of wine last night and went over my Points, again.
Woke up late for my workout, and was in a really foul mood.
I…

It's good to be alive

Image
This morning I read Dawn's post from Friday, and it put a smile on my face. The reason was because I had a similar feeling myself this morning. That "it's good to be alive, and I'm loving life at this moment" kind of feeling. It happened at the gym today, at 6:20am. I was twenty minutes into my thirty-minute hill routine on the elliptical, level 14. Across the room my husband was on a treadmill doing his hour-long routine.

I was thinking I had ten more minutes and then I'd be off to the weights to do my upper body strength routine. I love lifting weights, especially for my upper body. I love seeing the muscles in my arms. It gives me a little thrill that I can lift 20-pound dumbells and do military push ups using the Bosu Ball (30 reps today!). That's when it hit me. Life is good. MY life is good. Don't misunderstand me, my life is not perfect. Far from it, but I'm finally feeling like I'm in a good place. I feel like I've been in a dark ho…

The coyote, the weight loss and the marriage

Image
The Coyote This is what I saw when I looked out of our bedroom window Saturday morning. A wild coyote inside our backyard, frantically pacing back and forth along our fence. She couldn't figure out how to get out. In fact, she's still out there and it's Sunday afternoon.We left the gate open all night and she never left. During the night she dug a huge hole underneath our shed and has apparently moved in. My husband saw her head sticking out of the hole this morning. We've called animal control, the department of game and the police. They told us there are at least 300 coyotes within a one-mile radius of our house. As long as she wasn't attacking anyone, there wasn't a thing they could (or would) do. We don't live in a rural area, we live in the suburbs. There's a lot of undeveloped land around here, but it's very populated where we live. Anyway, I'm not sure what we're going to do about this coyote. I hope she comes to her senses and leaves …

When the truth hurts

Yesterday morning I wrote a long, rambling post about my marriage. At noon I read it again and deleted it. I know some of you read it and a few responded. Thank you for your support. As always, it is greatly appreciated. You have no idea how much it means to me that people reach out to me and genuinely care.

The reason I deleted the post was because it was flippant, sarcastic, and made fun of my marital situation. The truth is that a marriage in trouble is nothing to laugh about. It's not funny. It hurts. That's how I handle painful emotional situations, I laugh. Ha ha, my life is so funny. If I was being honest, I'd tell you how much it hurts and how it's not at all funny.

We have an appointment next Thursday for our first session of marriage counseling. My husband insisted on it. Recently he discovered some things about me that I wish he didn't know. They're private things, and things that shame and embarrass me. Even in spite of finding out about my deepest, …

I just want to be normal. Is that too much to ask?

Image
Note: I weighed this morning, 3/18, on my home scale. Wearing the attire I wear when I weigh in at Weight Watchers, my workout clothes. My scales are very accurate. The sad truth...I weigh 165.4, for a gain of 10.8 pounds. Ouch. I guess I do eat my emotions.I promised myself that I'd go to a Weight Watcher's meeting tonight. Instead, I decided to take my sorry, fat ass to the gym for a one-hour workout, that turned into an hour and 45 minutes, plus 10 minutes of cool down. 
My lungs were on fire during my hour of elliptical, and I didn't feel as strong as normal lifting weights for 45 minutes, but I did it. I also did some boy push ups on that half ball thingie, with the rounded side down so you're completely unstable. It's so hard, killer hard. Okay, so I only did eight, but it was the first time I'd tried them. Every night I'd watch this beautiful, really fit young woman do them and think one of these nights I'm going to try that. Tonight was the night…

Not feeling like a hot mama? Then head to your local Safeway.

Today I'm feeling less than sexy, totally not cute and kind of down on myself, mentally and physically. I'm sure part of it is not working out for three days in a row since I've been sick, and part of it is knowing I've gained at least five pounds. I can feel it in my jeans. Plus my nose is red and raw from the cold, I'm having a bad hair day, and I hate this stupid green top I'm wearing that looks like a maternity shirt (stupid St. Patrick's Day attire).

I didn't even pack a lunch this morning. I seriously can't remember the last time I didn't bring my lunch or have plans to eat out. I headed to Safeway at lunch to get some fresh fruit, Pacific Curried Red Lentil soup, a crown of broccoli and some turkey.

The guys at Safeway made my day. First the guy in the produce section, helping me pick out the perfect container of strawberries, making small talk about the weather. He was young but sweet and attentive.

Then there was the Safeway guy just walki…

What's not to love about lasagna?

I feel much better this morning! Woohoo!
I'm already up and ready to hit the shower and my day and my life. I'm even packing my gym bag and hoping I'll be able to get in a workout after work. At the very least, I can do the elliptical. I still have sniffles, but I don't feel too bad.
Work is going to be stressful today. Plus, I tried to remote into my work computer at 5am to finish up a couple things and it says my computer can't be found. I hate it when that happens. It usually means it froze on me during the night and is going to need a hard reboot when I get in. I hope I saved everything before I fell into bed at midnight. Piece of crap computer.
Back to my healthy eating today. I haven't counted Points or been doing the Healthy Eight for three days. I had a real meal last night of marinated salmon and roasted Brussels Sprouts with olive oil.
Unfortunately, my husband made lasagna last night. So I had a serving for dessert after my healthy meal. I'm like Ga…

Still sick

Even after sleeping almost 24 hours straight with the help of Nyquil and a variety of other cold medications, I still feel lousy. I'm sneezing and coughing and sweating. That's the part I hate the worse, sweating when I'm not even moving. I feel gross and miserable...poor me!
I'm staying home from work, although I'll have to work part of the day from home. I have a presentation to give on Wednesday and it's not finished. 
I can't remember the last time I ate a regular meal. Maybe Saturday morning? Anyway, I'm going to get back to regular meals and counting Points. Yesterday was tomato soup and some Weight Watcher ice cream bars. Not exactly a healthy menu.
No gym today and that's killing me. This is day number three of not working out. That's the most days I've missed consecutively since February 2008. If I feel better later today, I might go for a walk. Although the weather looks horrible. No spring days here. Just cold and wet and dark skies.…

We can go to the moon, why can't we cure the common cold?!

Image
Icame down with a miserable cold yesterday afternoon. I feel like hell. Last week at my physical I had a pneumonia shot in one arm and a flu shot in the other arm. Why can't they come up with a cold shot?  I skipped the St. Paddy's Day Dash today (it was snowing anyway and I do have my limits), and I'm not going to the gym. Right now I'm going back to bed. The only good thing about getting sick is that I'm not one bit hungry. Maybe I'll lose a few pounds.

Public speaking and weight loss, how do they relate?

Image
Through the Toastmasters organization I attended a lecture tonight given by Lance Miller. He is the 2005 World Champion of Public Speaking and beat out 28,000 other speakers from 90 countries to become the world champion. I was in the front row and was mesmerized during the two-hour lecture, as was every member of the audience. 
If you have a fear of public speaking and are put in public speaking situations, you need to join Toastmasters. It's an organization that teaches you how to overcome your fears and lets you practice and hone your public speaking skills. With practice comes perfection. The group I belong to is amazing, they're supportive, helpful and a really great group of people.
I spent some time chatting with Lance before and after his speech. I was very impressed with him. He's not just a great speaker, but he's a very interesting person. He told us and showed us how to win over your audience and how to win a speech contest. It was probably the best two hours…

The stress side affect -- ravenous hunger

That insatiable, all-consuming hunger is back and in full force. It's taking every ounce of my willpower and inner strength to not stuff my face with food. I've been fighting every second of today about what I was eating and how much I was eating.
Even though I love my new job responsibilities, the pressure is on to have my project plan mapped out by tomorrow. The week has been crazy busy and it's not done. I should be working on it right now, but I'm so tired I can barely stay awake. 
Add some stress on the home front and well, I was just about ready to succumb to those doughnuts the manager brought in this morning. Maple bars, my weakness. 
At lunch my healthy curried red lentil soup with turkey and fresh broccoli just didn't look that appealing to me, it didn't represent the comfort I needed. I thought about running out to get something different, something "bad" for me, which is something I never do. Instead, I ate my soup and worked at my desk.
I gue…

Appreciating the imperfect body

Image
No wonder I have body image issues. Look at the woman I thought I was suppose to look like when I was 21 years old. Normal women don't have perfect bodies like Farah, or her perfect hair or her perfect smile. I remember when I had my long, straight hair cut to look like Farah's hair (the shag, for those of that remember such things). I had braces as a teenager so I had perfect teeth, but I never came close to her perfect body.
I wasn't fat when I was 21, I weighed around 132. I wanted to weigh about 125 because I thought I was fat. I'm 5' 6 1/2" tall. I was stupid. Now I'd give anything to have that slightly imperfect 21-year old body.
In about five weeks I'm going to be wearing a swimsuit. Since my body image basically sucks, this worries me a little. Please don't misunderstand me, I've come a long way in accepting my body as it is, with its loose skin and wrinkles. I appreciate my healthy body a lot more now than when I was 21. I'm healt…

The physical

It's official, I'm healthy as a horse! I had my physical today and for the first time in years I didn't get the "you need to lose weight" speech. 
Plus, my doctor took me off my blood pressure medication. I'd sort of stopped taking it anyway. I'd take it sometimes, if I remembered. Most of the time I forgot about it. I know that wasn't very smart, but I knew my blood pressure was fine. I own a blood pressure machine and actually would take my own blood pressure a couple times a month. Now I have the good doctor's blessing to stop the medication.
The medication was a mild dieuretic, in the lowest dosage possible. I didn't take it this morning and my blood pressure was 116/62 this afternoon-- which is awesome! When I weighed 240 it was 180/110, which is ridiculously dangerous. Scary dangerous. I didn't exercise then either, not at all, except moving my hand to my mouth. Now I work out a minimum of six hours a week, usually more. I swear I will …

Because you never know what life is going to throw your way

I've been given a great opportunity on my job, one that will take me in a whole different direction in my career. I'm excited!
My actual job is in IT as a software developer. When I started this career path nine years ago it was because I was sick to death of people. I'd worked at the airport for years, listening to whiny, crybaby passengers, and I just couldn't take it anymore. IT sounded perfect to me, sitting in a cubicle all day, creating software, no one bothering me. The truth, it's boring as hell. Turns out that I actually like people. I miss them. 
The new opportunity is project management, with lots of interaction with a lot of new people. This particular project involves a lot of traveling, which guess what, I also like. I work for an airline, traveling is in my blood. 
Which brings me to the title of my post. If this opportunity had arisen a year ago, which was when I decided I really didn't like sitting in a cubicle all day, all by myself, I would have…

Caught in a blizzard

Image
Ironically, that could be the title of my life, but in actuality it was what happened yesterday during our third snowshoeing adventure in three weeks. There had been 18 inches of new snow in the past 48 hours at Crystal Mountain, with warnings of a snowstorm coming in during the afternoon. 
When the snowstorm hit we were about two hours out on the trail, and it was tough going. I voted to turn back at least ten different times, but my husband told me "just a little bit farther and then we can turn back". 
Three and half hours later and 633 calories burned (heart rate monitor), we were finally done. He thought it was exciting, I was on the verge of miserable. Cold, wet, and tired. With the wind blowing sideways, snow was hitting my eyes, practically blinding me. My face felt frozen, and my fingers, inside of gloves guaranteeing warmth at subzero temperatures, felt slightly frostbitten. I checked the temperature later and it was 26, but felt like 17 with the wind chill. Yeah, go…

Twelve inches!

Image
Twelve inches of new snow at Crystal...you know where I'll be tomorrow! Snowshoeing again. Wahoo!