Tuesday, March 17, 2009

I just want to be normal. Is that too much to ask?

Note: I weighed this morning, 3/18, on my home scale. Wearing the attire I wear when I weigh in at Weight Watchers, my workout clothes. My scales are very accurate. The sad truth...I weigh 165.4, for a gain of 10.8 pounds. Ouch. I guess I do eat my emotions. 

I promised myself that I'd go to a Weight Watcher's meeting tonight. Instead, I decided to take my sorry, fat ass to the gym for a one-hour workout, that turned into an hour and 45 minutes, plus 10 minutes of cool down. 

My lungs were on fire during my hour of elliptical, and I didn't feel as strong as normal lifting weights for 45 minutes, but I did it. I also did some boy push ups on that half ball thingie, with the rounded side down so you're completely unstable. It's so hard, killer hard. Okay, so I only did eight, but it was the first time I'd tried them. Every night I'd watch this beautiful, really fit young woman do them and think one of these nights I'm going to try that. Tonight was the night.

Since I didn't go to Weight Watchers tonight, tomorrow I'm stepping on my incredibly accurate scales here at home. I need to see the damage, face the music. I suspect a "Holy Crap!" will be in order.

I was sick and apparently decided to feed this cold. Of course, who am I kidding. It started way before I was sick, the not counting Points, eating more than I should. My jeans told me the truth today and there's no denying I've gained weight. 

Do normal weight people ever just randomly gain five or six pounds? I suspect that's going to be the damage. I wonder how they do it. How do they just eat "normally" every day without putting a lot of thought into it and not gain weight?

Most of the people I work with are thin  or normal weight. They don't count Points or calories or fat grams. They seem to eat what they want, when they want to eat it. They're mostly men, mid-thirties, early forties. There are a few women too, but they don't have a problem either. I've asked them about it, but they said they just don't think about it. Some of them exercise, but most of them don't. I just don't understand why it's such a problem for me and not a problem for them. 

This whole healthy lifestyle consumes me. What I'm eating, when I'm eating it, how much I'm eating, how many Points did I eat, how many Points do I have left for the day. It's a constant barrage in my head, always thinking about food.

I think that's why I've gained some weight these last couple of weeks. Part of me is rebelling. It's been over a year of doing this and honestly, I'm kind of sick to death of this whole thing. 

I just want to be a normal person when it comes to food. I don't want it to be all-consuming. Unfortunately, I don't think that's an option for me. I guess there are worse crosses to bear in life. I'm not diabetic, and I don't have cancer. I just have to worry about what I eat. Suck it up Diana. It's my lot in life.


What I Ate

In an attempt to be more honest about what I'm eating, I'll start posting my tracking journal here.

Tuesday 3/17 --- I looked at the food I consumed today and see some major problems. I'm not following the Healthy Eight Guidelines and too many snacks. I get 19 Daily Points, and usually eat all my APs and my Weeklies, for a total of 28 Points a day. The Luna Bar and the sugar-free cocoa were unusual. I don't usually eat either of these. I'm really not sure what's going on with me and my food.

Because I've obviously been eating too much lately, tonight I'm cutting myself off at 21 Points. I'm more tired than hungry right now, so it's not a big deal for tonight.



1 hour Elliptical
45 minutes upper body workout (some new exercises per this 'get Michelle Obama's arms'article)

Per heart rate monitor burned 648 calories

The tracker said 5 APs. Somehow, that doesn't seem right.


MizFit said...

How do they just eat "normally" every day without putting a lot of thought into it and not gain weight?

Im a cynic in a way :) the older I get and the more people I talk to the more I find that FEWFEW do this initially intuitively.
many have worked to get to that point, many internally obsess :), and many are freakin famished and dont eat.

YOU CAN GET THERE. to where you intuitively know what your body wants and give it to yourself.

you will get there.


Laura said...

Agree with Miz...everything takes time - losing weight, putting on weight - everything. It takes at least 21 days to form a habit. Try it wholeheartedly for that time and see if it does become a habit and way of life.
in the end, what is normal anyway?

twinkelydots said...

What is normal? Seriously.

You're looking at someone thin & calling their lifestyle normal. Trust me when I say that if you looked closely at their lifestyle you may not see normal.

I have a really close friend who's thin. She's addicted to soda. That's where she gets her calories.

She eats once in a while but not healthy choices.

Don't think that because someone is thin they're "normal".

Brooke said...

The WW Meeting topic is perfect for you this week. It's "Why Did I Do THAT?" I hope you can get as much out of it as I did. We ALL struggle. Just get back up and keep moving forward.

Tricia said...

Personally, I think we're the normal ones and those people are the freaks. How do they get to eat what they want and not have the consequences? FREAKS, I tell ya.

Cheer up please. You're amazing. You'll get rid of that 10.8 in no time, you're a superstar.

Lia said...

I completely understand your strife. It is something that just takes time, like Miz said. I know that a lot of people who seems and act like they just are and do, without much thought, are not really. Most people DON'T like admitting their insecurities, and would take a lot more time to open up and admit obsession or food related worries. I still stress about it a lot, and I think in a way it is like the mind set of an addict in that it will always be there, those plans and thoughts about food and weight and calories, but over time you can train your mind to loosen up on it a bit. You will do it because you want to. You don't want to think about food all the time so your subconcious, and your clearly your concious mind, will lead you to your goal. It's a journey, life, and this is just a challenge along the way!

antgirl said...

First off, every *body* is different. Whether it shows on the outside or not, bad habits will lead to health issues. Look at health statistics for the US. That's what what is considered *normal* will get you. Normal is not healthy. I realized that about 2 years ago and it made a difference to me.

Maybe if we could track these people for a day or more it would reveal their secrets. But, if you listen to the buzz about folks whose body image and/or fitness is central to their career, they do the same as us - track activity and what they eat. Any of them that claims not to is lying.

My husband will think, *I need to lose weight* and in less than two months he will have done so. How? I have no idea. It seems magic to me. However, he does naturally have a very muscular stature. So, we are not on a level playing field. His metabolism is always at a higher starting point than mine. So, he does not have to put in as much effort to get visible results. I remind him constantly, that he needs to take care of his insides, too.

bbubblyb said...

I totally know how you feel so I'm no help lol.

The Fatty Cake Girls said...

I get very frustrated too when I see how easy it is for me to pack on 5lbs in a few days when other's have to actually work at gaining. I lost 40lbs and have maintaned that for about 3 years. I have 40lbs to go still and I am starting up again, after 2 years of pregnancies. But while I was maintaining I was happy to see that if I just ate like a "normal" person I did ok. I'd have my soda, but only one...not two or three like I wanted. I'd have one or two pieces of pizza, not four. My husband has also lost 70lbs this year, by trying to eat more like a "normal" person. It's working out great for him. I have to actually try (diet and exercise) to loose weight. Anyhow, I think once you get the portion sizes memorized and it just becomes a part of life it will become more natural and you won't feel so consumed by the "chore" of it all. Every once in a while I whip out the measuring cup and food scale to get a reality check on my portions. And as long as I remember not to eat like an idiot, I do ok at maintaining. But when it comes to loosing...I'm counting, weighing, and working my butt off. When I maintained I went for leasurly walks a few times a week. Now, I but my butt on the elliptical and lift weights. Not as hard as you do though. Kudos to you on your trip to the gym. Whenever I've read stories about people who have lost a lot of weight, and kept it off for several years they all say the same thing. You have to be realistic. You're not going to count points, or calories everyday for teh rest of your life. We just need to learn how to have moderation and exercise and healthy food be part of who we are. I wish you so much luck. It's tough. Keep going, don't give up. -Heather

Diana said...

Thanks you guys! You make me feel better. Tricia, yes, I think they might just be a bunch of freaks. :)

Ella in an Elephant Costume said...

I am glad you are back. Please read my last post, thank you for being such an inspiration to so many people. Thank you for also being so honest about your life.

Ida said...

I used to be one of the skinny people who never worried about their weight. Now, I'm one of the fat people struggling to lose. How did that happen......Time went by, and because I never had to worry about my weight, I never learned good eating habits. So, I kept eating like I did when I was 16. It might seem like 'they', the skinnys, eat right, but usually that isn't the case. Remember, things aren't always the way they look. Hang in there girlfriend.