Friday, March 20, 2009

When the truth hurts

Yesterday morning I wrote a long, rambling post about my marriage. At noon I read it again and deleted it. I know some of you read it and a few responded. Thank you for your support. As always, it is greatly appreciated. You have no idea how much it means to me that people reach out to me and genuinely care.

The reason I deleted the post was because it was flippant, sarcastic, and made fun of my marital situation. The truth is that a marriage in trouble is nothing to laugh about. It's not funny. It hurts. That's how I handle painful emotional situations, I laugh. Ha ha, my life is so funny. If I was being honest, I'd tell you how much it hurts and how it's not at all funny.

We have an appointment next Thursday for our first session of marriage counseling. My husband insisted on it. Recently he discovered some things about me that I wish he didn't know. They're private things, and things that shame and embarrass me. Even in spite of finding out about my deepest, darkest secrets, he still wants to save our marriage.

In the meantime, we've started reading the book, The Love Dare. It's the book mentioned in the movie Fireproof. We started the book several weeks ago, before he knew my secrets, but for some reason we stopped. Perhaps because I wasn't giving it my all, or perhaps I just didn't care. On Tuesday, after one of our worst arguments of my 22 years of knowing my husband, he insisted on the marriage counseling and working through The Love Dare book with me.

We're only on day five. So far, it was the hardest day for me. It was about being rude in your marriage. The discussion questions at the end of the chapter tore me apart. I ended up crying and saying I just can't do this. I left the bedroom and sat in the living room, crying my heart out. I didn't expect him to come after me.

In the past when I cried he would only get more angry and frustrated with me. Last night he came to me, held me, and told me it was okay. That we'd get through this. He said we had to work through the hard stuff to get to the good stuff. He said he would never give up on me, on us. Honestly, I didn't know he loved me like this. If our situation was reversed, I'm not sure I would be so understanding.

I'm not sure what's going to happen with my marriage, but I feel more positive today than I have in years.

In case you're wondering, these were the questions that we each had to answer and then discuss:

1. How does your spouse feel about the way you act and speak around them?
2. How does your behavior affect your mate's sense of worth and self-esteem?
3. Would your husband or wife say you're a blessing, or that you're condescending and embarrassing?

Then there are the three guidelines for etiquette in a marriage. Just so you know, I have broken all three, consistently, for 20 years.

1. Guard the Golden Rule. Treat your mate the same way you want to be treated.
2. No double standards. Be as considerate to your spouse as you are to strangers and your coworkers.
3. Honor requests. Consider what your husband or wife already asked you to do or not do. If in doubt, then ask.

About my eating and exercise

Yesterday was a horrible eating day for me. I've been feeling like I'm starving, and wanting to eat everything in sight. I'm sure it's my emotional roller coaster that's causing these feelings. I want comfort and love and I think I can find it in food. It's a stupid line of thinking and one I'm trying to stop.

I'm still tracking my Points. Yesterday was a 42 Point day. Yeah, I know, horrible when my goal is 29 total Points a day (20 + 4APs + 5 Weeklies).

I feel a little more in control today. I weighed this morning and I'm down 3.2 pounds from Wednesday. Still up over seven pounds from my lowest weight. It's a struggle.

Exercise is good. I'm putting in an hour a day, six days a week. I'm thinking about cutting back to five days a week. That sounds healthier and more maintainable. Plus I want my weekends to be free. I want to let up on some of my obsessive, compulsive habits. I want to be more normal.


Ella Enchanted said...

What a great post. I have heard wonderful reviews of the The Love Dare. Your husband really loves you & wants you to be happy, I can tell. Those seven pounds will be gone in no time & you will be so much stronger knowing that you didn't give up an entire year of hard work over ten measly pounds. You are so strong & we all have faith in you!!!

bbubblyb said...

Diana, I did read you're post yesterday. I can't say I took it how you described. I think sometimes we do have to laugh about things so we don't cry about them. It really sounds like you're doing the best you can right now. It takes time to change ourselves. You have changed so much about yourself in the past year you really need to give yourself some credit. I think far to often we are our worse critic. I'm glad you're husband is being so understanding. I hope the marriage therapy goes well and helps.

I did look for that book at the book store a few weeks ago but didn't see it. Guess I will need to get it online. Thanks for the suggestion and for sharing some of it with us here.

You can email me anytime if you want to talk. *Hugs*

Graciela said...

Hi Diana
I also read your post yesterday and I did not get the impression that you were flippant about your marriage. You were simply expressing your sadness and frustration in a way that many of us do when we are afraid of opening up, of being vulnerable, or being rejected or hurt.

I really admire you and your openness. Today's post is very honest and heartfelt and I am truly thankful for it. We all have our way of dealing with issues in my marriage has always been to NOT deal with them. I tend to put a positive spin on my marriage in all my posts, and although it is generally a good situation and we love each other, it is DEFINITELY not always peaches and cream (there I go with the food analogies).

I wish you and your husband the best in your marriage counseling. Take care.

Beanie said...

Dang woman I want to email you. Please email me!!!

Do keep your chin up and please know we're all here for you. I'd like to share personal experiences privately with you if you so desire.

Fatinah said...

I thought your post yesterday sounded like a woman in pain.

My husband & I were unhappy and I didn't even know it until one day he came home and insisted on marriage counselling. That was 11 years ago, and the past 11 years have been my happiest. So many men wouldn't even consider it. I so hope that you both find what you're looking for!

Heather said...

I'm sorry to hear you are going through some really ugly marriage issues. I also laugh off my hurt. It's a defense mechanism. It takes a lot of guts to just admit the pain. My son recently was still born. I use a lot of dark humor to help me cope. It freaks people out, but it's what I need. I am so happy that you two are trying to make your marriage work. I am happy that you are BLESSED with a man who wants to work through it. So many men just throw their hands up and walk away. I wish you all the luck, prayers and whatever else I can offer. And good for you admiting to your point overage, and for trying to stick with your diet during such an emotional ride. (((hugs)))

Lia said...

You are being strong, and getting stronger, by doing this, by going through marriage counseling and realizing the effort your husband is putting in, which is hard when there is a lot of negativity going on. If you have a desire to move forward or make a change, then you will reach that goal! I hope you both work through this well realizing that you both want to be happy! Life is tough sometimes, and it is good too that you are not ditching your goal of staying healthy, though it can be a bit more up and down right now. Stay strong and know we are here for you!

Ida said...

Wow! I am so glad that you and your husband are trying to save your marriage. So many people these days have disposable marriages. I wish you the very best.

antgirl said...

I have to agree with the others about your post the other day - it did not come off as flippant.

I wish you and your husband the best at muddling through all of this.

As for the eating, we cope the best we can. There's nothing productive in beating yourself up for it. When things level out, so will your eating patterns.

I have great hope that you will soon be posting at how great your life is.