Showing posts from May, 2009

Today's weighin -- 5/31/2009 -- End of 68 weeks

Today's weight: 155.2 pounds

Lost since last official weighin on 4/11/2009: -1.4 pounds (I know, go ahead and laugh. I did.)

Total lost: 84.0 pounds

This is really kind of pathetic. If you look at my stats, you'll see that I've only lost 10 pounds in the last EIGHT months. I lost 73 pounds in the first seven months. What the hell have I been doing lately? Maintenance?

The positive:
1.) I haven't gained anything, which is really unusual for me. My M.O. is to drop a large amount of weight quickly, then turn around and gain it all back just as quickly.

2.) I've lost 84 pounds.

3.) My workouts are consistent, six days a week, 40 minutes cardio/40 minutes strength, plus walks and bike riding a few times a week. I'm stronger and more physically fit than at any other time in my life. I have more energy than I know what to do with. Pretty amazing considering I'm 53.

The negative:

1.) A 10-pound loss in eight months when I was aiming for a 30-pound loss in about four months.…

The hunger

Not exercising and sitting around on my butt makes me freaking hungry!

I'm at an insane level of hunger today. I know it's because I'm bored, and I haven't worked out for five days. That's a record for me in the last fifteen months. For someone that works out six or seven days a week, this is really a tiny bit of hell.

Unfortunately, I found a cure for the nauseousness from the antibiotics. It's simple. I should have read labels on the medicine bottles at the beginning. The cure: food. Why couldn't it be not eating food?

The sun is shining, and I can't take another re-run of Roseanne on the Oxygen channel. Stupid, boring daytime TV. I'm going to wrap my catheter with an ace bandage and hit the trail on my bike.

I weighed this morning. Not good. 160.8 A number that makes bells go off in my head. I promised myself I'd never go above 160 again. NEVER. So I have to cut the eating and get moving again.

My plan after the bike ride, go back to the ER for an…

Home from the ER or it sucks to be me

My good arm, that has an IV connector in it for the next three days.
My bad arm in a splint so I don't move it.
The cool mummy cotton stuff. It would make a great Halloween costume by wrapping your entire body in this stuff.
The dotted line was the infection yesterday, the solid line is today
This morning I spent three hours at the clinic waiting to see a doctor for my follow-up visit. No appointments were available, they had to "squeeze" me in. I was on my way to work.

The doctor looked at my arm and told me to immediately go to the emergency room.

I spent three hours in ER.

They took two x-rays to look for a tooth chip or a pocket of cat saliva. No foreign objects in my arm.

They hooked me up to an antibiotic IV drip, with two more scheduled Wednesday and Thursday. It wasn't too bad. I was wrapped up in warmed blankets and watched I Love Lucy reruns and Jerry Springer.

A temporary IV connector was inserted into my good arm so they can use it the next two days.

A splint was …

Reality check---I'm still fat

I was cleaning out my closet this weekend when I found a box of clothes in the very back, covered up by shoe boxes. I thought I'd found all my old clothes from my skinny days. Well, turns out I hadn't found the clothes from my "true" skinny days, when I weighed 124 about 10 years ago. That was the last time I lost over 100 pounds. I'm 5' 6 1/2" so I really was thin.

I pulled out a black evening dress that I remembered wearing to my company's Christmas ball, back when they celebrated "Christmas" and not the "Holiday". It's a long black dress, with a square neck, inch-wide straps, and a very low-cut back. It's form fitting, and was body hugging even when I weighed 124. It has a slit up to about six inches above the knee on one side. It's a size 6. I remember not eating all day on the day of the party so my tummy would be totally flat.

I currently wear a size 10, and considering vanity sizing, it's probably really a siz…

It's not flesh-eating disease

Having lived the first forty years of my life without the Internet, there's hardly a day that goes by where I'm not amazed by the vast amount of information at my fingertips.

When I get sick, I jump on Google and find pages and pages of information on my symptoms or my illness (if I know what I have). This is good and bad. Sometimes it's comforting if it's nothing serious, sometimes is scares the hell out of me, like with MSRA.

When I came home from the doctor yesterday and before I even Googled MSRA, my husband was freaking out. He told me this was serious business. He proceeded to tell me about the guy that used a public telephone, got MSRA on his face that turned into flesh-eating disease and lost half his face. Thanks honey, nothing like comforting your wife.

Google confirmed his story, although it did say it was really rare for this to happen with MSRA and usually only happened to people with a weakened immune system. I think of myself as strong and healthy, so this …

Seriously? MRSA?

I just got home from the doctor. This is exactly what he said when he looked at my arm, shaking his head back and forth: "This is NOT good. This is really NOT good." Not exactly the words I want to hear a doctor say when they're examining me.

I told him he was scaring me, and asked him what he meant by "not good". He said the antibiotic shot and the antibiotic prescription they gave me yesterday should have really knocked out the infection. Instead, it's much worse than yesterday. He thinks it might be Methicillin-resistant Staphylococcus aureus (MRSA), a super bug. He prescribed another antibiotic that specifically targets MRSA.

He drew another ink line around the redness, the one today is about two inches outside the line from yesterday. I measured my forearms and the infected arm is 1 1/2 inches larger, that's how much it's swollen. The skin is bright red, very hot to the touch, very tight and it hurts like hell (even with the Vicodin).

I have to go…

Day 5 - my owie

The cat bite saga continues. I went to the clinic yesterday afternoon and the doctor said he's never seen an infection spread as quickly as mine. He took a pen and marked my arm where there was redness, indicating infection. Today the redness is about three inches outside the lines he drew yesterday.

They gave me a tetanus shot, an antibiotic shot in my butt (hurt like hell), and prescriptions for an antibiotic and Vicodin. Thank God for the Vicodin. I don't think I would have made it through the night without it.

I'm going back to the clinic in a couple hours. Yesterday the doctor made me promise to come back today if the redness was still there. The red, swollen area is about three times larger than it was yesterday and my injured forearm is swollen up about 1/3 bigger my good arm.

Walter's fate is still up in the air. He's totally healthy other than being blind and deaf so I have a little trouble putting him down just because he got scared and bit me. If I was bli…

Cat scratch fever

Stupid out-of-his-ever-lovin'-mind cat
His name is Walter. He's 17 years old. He's blind and deaf. Normally, he's a sweet, docile little cat that sleeps about 23 hours a day. This morning he attacked me. I was holding him, cuddling him, he was purring when he latched onto my forearm and wouldn't let go. I was screaming every curse word I know as I tried to unlock his vise grip jaw from my arm.

When my husband came running in to see what was wrong, I was sobbing and blood was flowing freely from the three puncture wounds on my arm. Thank God we just had one of his incisors pulled a few months ago during his $375 dental cleaning or he might have actually taken a chunk out of my arm. I washed my wound, bandaged it, and took Ibuprofen.

It's now six hours later and my forearm looks like it has a Cadbury egg underneath the skin. The pain is a burning and achy kind of pain, and actually, kind of excruciating. It's traveling up my my arm and now the entire arm hurts.


Day 3 - finding balance

This is my walk during lunch yesterday. The trailhead is about 1/2 mile from my office and ends at the water, Puget Sound, in Des Moines, WA. The total walk is almost six miles. Very steep going down, very steep back up.

My excessive exercising has to stop. The last three days I've exercised over three hours a day. Yesterday I went to the gym for an hour and a half in the morning, then walked six miles at lunch (another hour and a half). The walk was brutal. I was tired and hungry when I started. On the way back if I'd been on a road, I would have called one of my coworkers to come get me, but I was out on a trail through the woods. I had no choice except to walk the almost three miles back to my office.

As a result of all of yesterday's exercise (and the six hours the previous two days), last night I was in agony. My legs and arms ached. Even my back was hurting and it never hurts. What the hell am I doing to myself?

I'm not sure why I struggle so much with finding balan…

Day two, harder than day one but still good

My bike ride today B.P.A. Trail, Federal Way, WA May 21, 2009
Day two of my 7-day "I give a damn" plan was actually more difficult than day one. I had that crazy, I'm starving, out of control and can't get enough food feeling. You know the feeling I'm talking about, the one when you lose all control and binge. In my former life I felt like this all the time and didn't even try to keep it in check. That's how I got up to 240 pounds.

Somehow I kept in control today. Maybe because work was super busy or maybe because I feel a sense of commitment to my plan. Regardless, it's after midnight, and I stayed OP all day.

I took a planned day off from the gym today. Well, actually it became a planned day off when I woke up and every muscle in my body ached, and I felt exhausted. I want to take one day off a week, but not a specific day. Just when my body tells me enough already, let's take a break.

I made up for missing the gym with a five-mile walk at lunch (hour…

Day 1 - I don't remember it being this hard

It's almost 10 p.m. and thank God Day 1 is almost over of my 7-day "I'll actually give a damn and will give this 100% of my effort".

I'm so tired right now I can barely sit here and type this. Stupid, dumb, sucky hot yoga class. I thought maybe I didn't get enough torture on Sunday so I went to another 90-minute hot yoga class tonight.

Let me just say this one more time...I HATE IT! I HATE IT! I HATE IT! I'm never going back there, I'm done with it. I spent the last 30 minutes of class laying flat on my back with the Nazi at the door refusing to let anyone out. Plus, somehow I wound up next a space heater so I'm pretty sure where I was laying it was 150 degrees, not 105 degrees. I've never been so nauseous in my whole life. It was like being sea sick but I wasn't on a boat. I wish I would have just said to hell with it and walked out. What would they do, never let me come back?

I came home drenched in sweat again, shaking because I was so sic…

The motivation and a message to my fat girl

The motivation
It's funny how someones weight loss success can really motivate me. Seeing Carlos lose 14.6 pounds this past week was a huge motivator. I've been following his blog from the beginning, and I've seen him have weeks where he stumbled and fell, then weeks when he rocked it. Last week, he knocked it out of the park.

I know how hard this is for Carlos. He has food issues, much the same as I do, the same as many of the people reading this. Yet I have no doubt with his determination he's going to succeed. His new, "I give a damn" attitude is what's going to keep him on track and get him to the finish line.

His seven-day commitment made me wonder what I could do if I really gave a damn over a seven-day period. I'm still hanging right around 156, up and down a couple pounds. I know why. It's because I'm not participating in this 100%. I'm doing a half-assed job, and this is a job. The working out, the eating within my Points, the journa…

Losing it...the last 20

I remember when I was at my highest weight of 240 and I'd read posts written by other people, posting about trying to lose their last 20 pounds. I'd think 'oh brother! Just shut up already." I wanted to read about someone with real problems, problems like my own, someone that had over 100 pounds to lose.

Now I'm one of those people that I held in such disdain, and perhaps was a bit jealous of their plight. I felt that 20 pounds was nothing, that any moron could drop 20 pounds. Well, I must be a total and complete moron because I can't seem to lose this weight.

I'm pretty sure I'm hanging on to it for psychological reasons. I secretly think when I get to goal my life will be perfect, and if it's not, then I'll make it perfect. Whether it's my job or my marriage or my smallish breasts, I'll fix it. Because I'll be skinny and the world will be my oyster. Deep down in my heart, I know that's a load of crap. My life won't be perfec…

Hell Hatha Hot Yoga

King Dancer Pose - Natarajasana (which I can totally do without falling over!)

I'm sure if there's exercise in hell, it's Hatha Hot Yoga. OMG! I seriously thought I was going to die or throw up or pass out or all three. It was HOT! They said 110 degrees, but the place was packed with people (at least 80), so I'm sure it was even hotter. The humidity was set at 60%.

Did I like it? Um, actually, I would have to say no, I kind of hated it. It was so hot I could barely breath. I've never perspired that much in my entire life. It made a spinning class look like a walk in the park. It was basically 90 minutes of hell.

You're not suppose to talk or leave the room, unless there's an emergency. I had to focus on not saying "fuck" out loud every two minutes as I twisted my body into unnatural and extremely painful positions. I seriously thought about walking out at least ten times. Especially during the last thirty minutes of the ninety minute class. I probabl…

Hot Hatha Yoga

I'm just about ready to head out for my 9am Hot Hatha Yoga. They're running a special this week of 10 classes for $10 (usually $15 a class). I guess business is slow, probably the economy people cutting back on expenses.

I'm probably the only person I know that hasn't tried hot yoga (except my husband, he thinks I'm crazy but he thinks that anyway). Everyone tells me it's the wonderful, so I'm going to give it a try.

Their web site says the room is 105 degrees and 60% humidify, which to me sounds sort of like what expect to see in Hell. It's a 90-minute class and they advise students to bring a "large" towel for sweating, and a plastic bag to put your dripping towel in after class so you don't leave a "sweat trail". Doesn't that just make you really want to run on down there and join in the torture fun?

I'll post later how it goes. It can't be any harder than the 90-minute spinning class yesterday. In fact, it sounds lik…

Are you kidding me? A 1 1/2 hour spinning class?

I didn't know what I was getting myself into this morning when I showed up for the 10:30 a.m. spinning class at my gym. I've done spinning classes before, they're hard but fun. A good way to really burn some calories. Since I had about four glasses of wine last night I was feeling a little out of sorts this morning and thought a good workout would get me going.

Oh my freak! As we neared the one hour mark I was thinking, well, thank God, I made it! A near death experience, but I'm almost done. 540 calories burned. Then I heard the instructor say, "Okay! We're at one hour, just 30 more minutes to go! Now pump it up!" WTF?! Thirty more minutes and surely I would be dead!

I made it all the way through the class, keeping pace with her to the end. I burned 743 calories according to my trusty heart rate monitor. I just checked the Weight Watchers web site and 90 minutes of spinning is 11 Activity Points! I feel a little weak and light headed, but I think I sweated…

Desperately seeking perfection

All my life I just wanted to look normal, or so I thought. I told myself if I wasn't fat and was physically fit, then I'd be happy with my body.

Well, as you've probably guessed, I was dead wrong. I'm not fat and I'm very physically fit, probably the most fit I've been in my entire life. Yet I'm still not happy with my body. In my mind "normal" is actually perfection. I want to weigh the perfect weight, have perfect perky breasts, perfect thin thighs, perfect slim hips and a perfect,flat stomach. The reality of it is that my body was never "perfect", not even when I was 21 and weighed 128. My breasts were too small, my hips too wide, and my thighs too chubby. Okay, I did have a perfectly flat stomach, I actually remember being happy with it

I know I'm too critical of myself, trust me, I hear it all the time from you guys, my friends, my husband and even "strangers" at the gym. I'm starting to accept my flawed body. I'…

Is it worth it?

Today I attended a friend's 35-year company anniversary party. I saw a lot of people I've worked with throughout the years but haven't seen for a very long time. Some of them knew me when I was skinny (123) and some knew me when I was fat (240), but every single one of them said almost the same thing...Oh my God! You're so skinny! You look fantastic! I probably heard that at least 30 times today. It was a huge morale boost. Just what I needed.

First of all, I AM NOT SKINNY. Far from it, I'm about 20 pounds from my perfect weight (135). My weight this morning was 156.6, up a tiny bit, so definitely not skinny. On the other hand, I really wouldn't call myself fat either.

What was interesting was they had a slide show displaying on one wall, showing pictures of people that had worked with my friend over the years. There were several pictures of me, from about 15 years ago, during one of my normal weight phases. I heard people say, Diana, there you are! I looked up a…

What I remember about being fat

Two posts in one day. I think maybe I have too much time on my hands lately.

I'm not a big fan of the Biggest Loser. I watch parts of it each season, but rarely make it through an entire episode. A lot of times I don't even watch it. The main reason I'm not very fond of it is because I can't stand the crying and the whining. I don't like the unrealistic losses each week and worry about regular people thinking that it's normal, and setting themselves up for disappointment. I watch just enough to get a feel for who I like and who I can't stand.

Even though I'm not crazy about BL, I always watch the finale. I love seeing the before and after pictures. What I love the most though are the stories about how tough life was before the weight loss and how good things are now. The reason I love this is because it's a reality check for me. As nuts as this sounds, sometimes I almost can't remember what my life was like fifteen months ago when I weighed 239.


I'm just not that into you

My morning gym experience has been ruined by a guy that keeps talking to me. I'm there to work out, not make friends. I don't know how to tactfully tell him to go away. I know it's my fault for letting him talk to me in the first place, but it's becoming weird.

I've even started wearing my wedding rings when lifting weights and no weight-lifting gloves. You should see the callouses I've developed on my palms in the last couple of weeks. Plus it hurts like hell lifting 25-pound dumbells while wearing rings. I know he knows I'm married, I think he's just lonely. He told me he had to break up with his girlfriend last fall because she was crazy and since then he's gained 30 pounds. Do I seriously need to know these things?

He likes to get on the elliptical next to me when I'm doing my cardio, then come down and lift weights with me. He's told more than once that I'm a beautiful woman and he really appreciates seeing a woman sweat and lift weig…

It was the worst of times

Okay, reality check, last weekend was the worst of times. It was just a crappy weekend for my marriage, with two major arguments with my husband. Add in a big disagreement with an old friend, and having a cat with cancer put down (he was diagnosed three days ago with a very aggressive form of cancer). It was just a big old crapfest of a weekend.

I took the day off from work today to regroup, try to get my head on straight. I really hate it when all areas of my life suck. Marriage, work, friends, pets. Gosh, what's left that can go wrong? Oh yeah, my eating. Lest I forget, it was a crappy eating weekend too. I didn't go crazy, but I ate about a cup of pecans Saturday night. I highly do not recommend this as a binge food. First of all, it's a very high calorie food that isn't that good (why? I could have had cookies!). Second, it made me feel kind of sick all night. Then Sunday night I ate two big bowls of Kashi cereal. I didn't even weigh this morning. I feel fat and…

26 mph and bunny rabbits

I love riding my bike. I love it - love it - love it! I was flying downhills today at 26 mph. This was new for me because the fastest I've allowed myself to go is 20 mph. I'm always holding down the brake going downhill even though I love speed. I love driving my car fast, but on my bike I feel so exposed. I have this vision of hitting a rock and flying off my bike and breaking my arm or my hip (please God, not the hip...that would officially classify me as old!).

The bunny rabbits were everywhere today. Cute little brown guys with little fluffy white bunny tails. The cutest things ever.

Bike riding is so much fun and the easiest exercise I've ever done. My heart rate hangs right around 140, sometimes going up to 161 (my resting heart rate is 48). I always burn at least 500 calories in an hour. I love the sunshine and the wind on my face. I don't even mind the bugs in my teeth (riding through clouds of gnats with my mouth open...yuck!).

I made it all the way to the top o…

My week in review

I've noticed I'm posting less and less these days. I really don't know why. I'm not any busier than I was during the past year when I faithfully posted every day. During the day I'm always thinking of something to write about, but then I sit down at the computer, I'm a big, fat blank. Writer's block. I can't think of a single thing to say.

Since there aren't any profound thoughts I want to share, I'm just doing my week in review. Nothing exciting, nothing terribly interesting, just a brief synopsis of what I've been up to.

The StairMaster is finally fix at my gym. It's the old-fashioned kind where it's a set of rotating stairs. I LOVE this machine! I've added 15-20 minutes on it, in addition to 20 minutes elliptical.

I found a new love at the gym. Basketball! Yes, little old me, after I'm all sweated up from the elliptical and StairMaster. I go into the gymnasium at Ballys and play basketball by myself for about 20 minutes. It&#…

Stressed, who? Me?

1. Woke up super later this morning, made a conscious decision to be late to work so I could get my workout in. Got to the gym at 6:30am, at 6:40am my iPod died. I can't workout without blaring music of my chocie (the gym's music sucks).

2. Stressed about missing workout. Think maybe Graciela is right. Maybe I do have midlife exercise anorexia nervosa. Can't stand the idea of not working out so brought workout stuff to work, will stop at gym on the way home. The article.

2. Rushed home, fight with husband before he left for work. Nice way to start the day.

3. Asthmatic cat wheezing like he's dying a slow death. Spent $600 on him last week, three vet visits, x-rays, medicine, oxygen. Advised to buy $300 HEPA room air filter. This morning ordered online with rush delivery.

4. Decided to wear a dress today since only two pairs of jeans that fit (10's) and both were in laundry. No pantyhose and legs are NOT tan. Wearing thigh highs and a corset garter getup. WTF was I thin…

The race is off...the email to end it

I had a bad weekend. After being weak, sick, shaky, high blood pressure, low blood sugar, I decided to hell with the "getting to the finish line" first that I initiated with my girlfriend that's on Medifast. Here's the email I sent her this morning:

Hi Dawn,
Okay, I'm calling our friendly competition to an end. The reason is that I think it's killing me. I've known you for over twenty years and this isn't the first time we've had a weight loss competition.

Remember 1990, we entered that lose 20 pounds in a month contest at work. I weighed 155. We both made taking laxatives at the very end to lose the last few pounds. We were both so sick we thought we were going die. We lived in the bathroom the day of our weigh in. It was the first time we'd taken a laxative and the last. We promptly gained back the 20 pounds and more.

We did the Weight Watchers at work three years ago and even though it wasn't a formal competition, we were both com…

153.2 and I feel like hell

It's official, I'm into new fat territory.

5/3/2009 weigh-in: 153.2 pounds

Total lost: 86 pounds

Pounds to lose to 135 goal: 18.2 pounds

How I feel: Like crap

I seriously don't know what's wrong with me. I feel like I'm running on empty. I'm shaky and weak. If I bend over and stand up too fast I get dizzy and see stars. I've felt like this all week. What's wrong with me?

I've been over my bronchitis and coughing for at least a week. I'm completely off my codeine cough medicine. I'm taking my vitamins, eating all my Points (19 + 4 AP + 5 Flex...or 28 a day and sometimes more). I'm not starving myself, although I am very hungry. The only thing I'm doing differently is killing myself with the exercise.

Each day during the week I go to the gym, never later than 5:30am, and work out for 1 1/2 hours. At lunch I've been walking for an hour, as long as it's not pouring down rain. At night I do an hour bike ride as long as there's n…