Monday, May 18, 2009

Losing it...the last 20

I remember when I was at my highest weight of 240 and I'd read posts written by other people, posting about trying to lose their last 20 pounds. I'd think 'oh brother! Just shut up already." I wanted to read about someone with real problems, problems like my own, someone that had over 100 pounds to lose.

Now I'm one of those people that I held in such disdain, and perhaps was a bit jealous of their plight. I felt that 20 pounds was nothing, that any moron could drop 20 pounds. Well, I must be a total and complete moron because I can't seem to lose this weight.

I'm pretty sure I'm hanging on to it for psychological reasons. I secretly think when I get to goal my life will be perfect, and if it's not, then I'll make it perfect. Whether it's my job or my marriage or my smallish breasts, I'll fix it. Because I'll be skinny and the world will be my oyster. Deep down in my heart, I know that's a load of crap. My life won't be perfect, and I won't be any more capable of making it perfect when I'm skinny than I am now.

I'm hanging on to this last 20 pounds for the same reason I held on to the last 85 pounds. It's my excuse. My excuse for not living my life like I should be living it. For not taking care of things that need my attention. I'm the world's greatest procrastinator, and if there's a problem in my life, I'll do my best to avoid it. I'm the proverbial head in the sand girl.

So knowing all this about myself should make this next step easier, right? You would think so, but it doesn't seem to really help. It's almost like knowing this is making it even harder for me. If I lose the 20 pounds and my life isn't fabulous, then what excuse will I have for the problems in my life? I won't be able to blame them on my fat. I'll have to put the blame squarely on my own shoulders. That's not exactly something I look forward to doing.

I have no real answer to this little dilemma of mine. Except one. I need to move forward and damn what happens when I reach my goal. I need to stop thinking about the whys and the whats of not being able to do this: Why can't I lose this weight? Why don't I want to lose the weight? What am I afraid of? What's stopping me? I have the answers to all those questions and they're all irrelevant.

I just need to do this, for me. Not because it'll make my life perfect, it most certainly won't. Maybe it'll make me take responsibility for my life and fix what needs fixing, and not blame the fat girl for making it all so impossible.

Favorite foods of the month:
(both from my neighborhood fresh produce market--so delicious!)
Fresh Sweet Darling strawberries (super sweet)
Baby Tuscan melons (I'd never seen these before)

I've also changed my breakfast to having a protein shake every other day using goat whey. I prefer my yummy egg-2% cheese-Canadian bacon-multi-grain muffin for 6 Points, but the shake has 40 grams of protein for the same 6 Points, versus 26 grams of protein for the egg sandwich. It's not as tasty, but I'm trying to increase my protein without increasing my caloric intake too much.

Exercise 5/18/2009:
20 minutes elliptical
20 minutes StairMaster

55 minutes - Upper body workout (intense w/ 20 & 25 pound dumbbells/50 pound triceps pull downs)

I'm kicking up my strength training a notch. I read a fitness book over the weekend and worked up a new routine for myself. Three sets, fewer reps done pyramid (8 - 10 - 12), with heavier weights, 20 and 25 pound dumbbells. Alternate day Upper/Lower body workouts. Limit strength to four times a week , one hour - this is going to kill me. I love strength training. It's my favorite thing at the gym.

I was doing 2 sets with, 15 reps, with 15- and 20-pound dumbbells. I haven't seen any change in my muscles for several months. If I want MizFit's arms, I'm going to have to work for them.


Ida said...

I am having the same problem losing these last 20 pounds. I keep sabataging myself.....bad move! Like you I need to take a long hard look at why I'm afraid to lose these last 20 pounds. Good luck. (to both of us)

antgirl said...

Me, too - the last bits of flabulance just keep holding on. I'm doing what I can to dislodge them.

I'm well within a healthy weight range, so I decided to chill about it. I don't eat bad. If I keep at it, it will go. I am happy here, where I'm at. So, we'll see what the future holds on those last bits of flabulence.

Impressive stats with the weights. I like strength training, too. You're far and above me though. :)

big_mummy said...

i think the *rolleyes* theyre complaining about 20lbs thing is because until you are at that point you really have NO idea what it would be like to only have 20lbs left to lose LOL. i keep thinking to myself that if i drop this weight i will have lost 120lb already and that i will be positive enough to look at that and not sweat the next 20lb, but that is BS!!!! i will get frustrated and cry and pout and will whine until its gone, i can assure you lol. so moan ahead, your sticking to it and doing great.
i replied to your posts in my blog, thanks for the comments- you did make me laugh out loud about the stairmaster and the sweat guy LOL

Patty said...

I love how honest you are about this! Losing weight is hard at any point, but it does seem that most people want to read about others that have similar goals and are on a parallel path.

I was trying to lose weight when I gained the last 10 pounds. I could have never imagined how hard it would be to drop 30 pounds at my age.

Graciela said...

Hey Diana
I'm just curious if you've ever had your body fat tested? Not with calipers, or electrical impedance,which are notoriously inaccurate; but by water immersion (the old dunk tank method).

I'm just wondering if you are having trouble losing the last 20 lbs because your muscle mass is so high that you really don't have much fat to lose. Hence you will have real trouble getting down to 135 like you might have in the past. No matter what, it might be a good thing to know, so you can be sure you're not setting unrealistic goals.

Sarah said...

I loved what you had to say. I'm 29 and have lost 57 pounds in the past 6 months. I've worked extremely hard through weights, cardio, good diet, and an AMAZING natural vitamin line called Advocare. Check out the website if you get the chance b/c it's really changed my life.
I have about 18 pounds left to go, and of course the weight is coming off SLOWLY these days. When I started my journey I felt like I had to climb Mount Everest and it seemed impossible. But then one day it just dawned on me: I can only do what I can do in a day. And soon, those days will pass until one day I'll get to where I need to be. People always ask me what "the secret" is to losing that kind of weight. And in my opinion, the answer lies in one word: CONSISTENCY. It's seems so simple, but 99% of the people that set out to lose serious weight cannot tackle it.
These days I find it almost comical b/c I realized that I'm dealing with the classic "Fat Girl Syndrome". From the outside, people probably see a beautiful 5'10" blonde walk into the room, but I still feel like the fatty tall girl. LOL! It takes a while for your brain to catch up with your body. So I definitely could relate to what you had to say. Keep up the good work, girl. You look fantastic!

PersistenceUnlimited said...

In order to achieve any goal, one must think positively. Then be realistic with your goals by writing down steps that you can do within a given time frame. Be dedicated and don't let distractions worn you down.

Goal Setting Tips