Reality check---I'm still fat
I pulled out a black evening dress that I remembered wearing to my company's Christmas ball, back when they celebrated "Christmas" and not the "Holiday". It's a long black dress, with a square neck, inch-wide straps, and a very low-cut back. It's form fitting, and was body hugging even when I weighed 124. It has a slit up to about six inches above the knee on one side. It's a size 6. I remember not eating all day on the day of the party so my tummy would be totally flat.
I currently wear a size 10, and considering vanity sizing, it's probably really a size 12 from ten years ago. I thought well, maybe the dress will fit anyway. I work out a lot, I have a lot more muscle now than I did 10 years ago. I was skinny, but all I did was aerobics (four times a week).
What was I thinking?! Talk about a wake up call. I couldn't get it over my hips so I put it on over my head, but I couldn't slide it down past my hips. I tried to at least zip it up the back and the zipper was at least two inches from coming together. That made me feel really fat.
That's what 30 pounds does to a person. The reality is that I am still fat. I don't really want to weigh 124 again. I have my driver's license from that year. The one time in my entire life I told the truth on my license, that I weighed 124 and I really did. The picture is horrible. My face is sunken and honestly, I look too skinny. Yet I remember wearing that size 6 dress and feeling gorgeous.
I found my size 6 Levi button down jeans. Since I'm such a glutton for punishment I tried them on too. That was another eye-opener. I could barely get them mid-thigh. They're not in style anymore anyway, but still, I'd love to be able to fit into them again.
The box of my real skinny clothes has made me realize I really have to lose at least another 20 pounds or I'm not going to be happy with my body. I've been bemoaning this fact for months. I honestly do not know what is stopping me. Is it because I remember how happy I was as a size 6 or even an 8 and I think I'll feel the same way again? Yet I know that's just a fantasy. A fantasy I don't want shattered.
Why is this so darn hard? I lost 85 pounds faster and easier than I can lose these last 20 pounds. I keep talking about it but not doing it. I don't have the answer, but I'm not giving up. I had a goal to end the month the same weight as I started, 156.4, which I think I'll do. But what kind of goal is that, to just stay the same?
My June goal is to lose 6.4 pounds and hit 150. This means cutting back on the eating. Truly eating just 19 Points a day, with maybe a few extra from the APs. Did I mention I hate being hungry? But I also hate being fat. I guess I can't decide which I hate the most.