Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Reality check---I'm still fat

I was cleaning out my closet this weekend when I found a box of clothes in the very back, covered up by shoe boxes. I thought I'd found all my old clothes from my skinny days. Well, turns out I hadn't found the clothes from my "true" skinny days, when I weighed 124 about 10 years ago. That was the last time I lost over 100 pounds. I'm 5' 6 1/2" so I really was thin.

I pulled out a black evening dress that I remembered wearing to my company's Christmas ball, back when they celebrated "Christmas" and not the "Holiday". It's a long black dress, with a square neck, inch-wide straps, and a very low-cut back. It's form fitting, and was body hugging even when I weighed 124. It has a slit up to about six inches above the knee on one side. It's a size 6. I remember not eating all day on the day of the party so my tummy would be totally flat.

I currently wear a size 10, and considering vanity sizing, it's probably really a size 12 from ten years ago. I thought well, maybe the dress will fit anyway. I work out a lot, I have a lot more muscle now than I did 10 years ago. I was skinny, but all I did was aerobics (four times a week).

What was I thinking?! Talk about a wake up call. I couldn't get it over my hips so I put it on over my head, but I couldn't slide it down past my hips. I tried to at least zip it up the back and the zipper was at least two inches from coming together. That made me feel really fat.

That's what 30 pounds does to a person. The reality is that I am still fat. I don't really want to weigh 124 again. I have my driver's license from that year. The one time in my entire life I told the truth on my license, that I weighed 124 and I really did. The picture is horrible. My face is sunken and honestly, I look too skinny. Yet I remember wearing that size 6 dress and feeling gorgeous.

I found my size 6 Levi button down jeans. Since I'm such a glutton for punishment I tried them on too. That was another eye-opener. I could barely get them mid-thigh. They're not in style anymore anyway, but still, I'd love to be able to fit into them again.

The box of my real skinny clothes has made me realize I really have to lose at least another 20 pounds or I'm not going to be happy with my body. I've been bemoaning this fact for months. I honestly do not know what is stopping me. Is it because I remember how happy I was as a size 6 or even an 8 and I think I'll feel the same way again? Yet I know that's just a fantasy. A fantasy I don't want shattered.

Why is this so darn hard? I lost 85 pounds faster and easier than I can lose these last 20 pounds. I keep talking about it but not doing it. I don't have the answer, but I'm not giving up. I had a goal to end the month the same weight as I started, 156.4, which I think I'll do. But what kind of goal is that, to just stay the same?

My June goal is to lose 6.4 pounds and hit 150. This means cutting back on the eating. Truly eating just 19 Points a day, with maybe a few extra from the APs. Did I mention I hate being hungry? But I also hate being fat. I guess I can't decide which I hate the most.


antgirl said...

Maybe you're rather comfortable right now. I think that's OK. I was comfy, too.

Yeah, clothes were smaller back then. My size 8's from back then were waaay too small and that's the size I wear now.

You're not fat now. Not by a long shot, woman. You're in a healthy weight range. So, it's all good. I get you want to be smaller. I feel that sometimes, too.

I decided that whatever size I end up being is what size I shall be. Although, I am trying to shave off that last 20 or so, too.

I am trying by shaving off my usual daily routine. That's how I started when I lost the 100+. So, that's how I'm going to go about it now. One step at a time.

I'm also going to employ a few new tricks devised from what I posted today. We'll see how it goes. I should get to vacuuming ... exciting, eh? LOL

~ugly girl with a beautiful heart~ said...

Good lord woman you are not fat! I wish I looked like you. Seriously. You're built the way women are SUPPOSED to be! Plus you're strong...I envy you! Well except the whole crazy psycho cat thing. Hope you and Walter are doing better!

Patty said...

You are a brave woman. I only have one skinny pair of jeans from 10 years ago...a size 6 pair of Levis, but there is no way I am trying to put those things on any time in the near future.

Hope the arm is healing.

Ida said...

I know wxactly what you mean. The first 60 pounds was easy compared to this last 20 lbs. grrrrr But we will lose it, sooner or later. My goal is to reach 150 by the end of June. (first it was October, then January, then April now June.....but I'll reach it someday!)