Tuesday, May 12, 2009

What I remember about being fat

Two posts in one day. I think maybe I have too much time on my hands lately.

I'm not a big fan of the Biggest Loser. I watch parts of it each season, but rarely make it through an entire episode. A lot of times I don't even watch it. The main reason I'm not very fond of it is because I can't stand the crying and the whining. I don't like the unrealistic losses each week and worry about regular people thinking that it's normal, and setting themselves up for disappointment. I watch just enough to get a feel for who I like and who I can't stand.

Even though I'm not crazy about BL, I always watch the finale. I love seeing the before and after pictures. What I love the most though are the stories about how tough life was before the weight loss and how good things are now. The reason I love this is because it's a reality check for me. As nuts as this sounds, sometimes I almost can't remember what my life was like fifteen months ago when I weighed 239.

It's strange because it's something I thought I'd never forget, the misery that comes with being obese. I've been in the 155-160 range since last December, amost five months ago. It seems like I've weighed this my entire life. Then I listen to the BL stories and go, oh yeah, I do remember what it was like 85 pounds ago. It was horrible. Everything they talk about I can relate to.

I remember what it was like to not live my life. I remember how hard it was to walk up a flight of stairs, how food was my life and how I couldn't stop eating it. I remember the massive quantities of food I'd consume. I remember the physical pain and mental anquish of carrying around an extra hundred pounds on my body. I remember feeling ugly and hopeless and hating myself. I remember what it was like to be embarrassed just to be alive. You bet I remember it, I remember every horrible minute of living the life of an obese person. I remember the sadness and the humiliation of being fat.

Then the BL contestants talk about their lives now, post weight loss. I can relate to that too. It reminds me how good my life is now. I can do things now I could never do before. I can climb rock walls, ride my bike up very steep hills with 20 mph headwinds without taking a break (like yesterday), I can hike for miles and snowshoe for hours. I can walk into a room with my shoulders squared, standing tall, with my head held high. I can look people in the eye without feeling ashamed of my body. When I go on walks with people almost half my age, they can't keep up with me. I totally love being physically fit and strong.

I feel proud of what I've accomplished. It was and is worth every minute of deprivation, and every hour of exercise. For anyone reading this and saying, oh, you shouldn't deprive yourself, I beg to differ. In order to lose weight, you have to have some deprivation. You simply can't eat until you're full and you can't eat everything you want. It's pretty simple really, more calories out than in. I tell myself every day that this isn't rocket science. It's so easy, yet, it's so hard.

That's what I love about the BL finale episode. It brings it all back to me in vivid detail. The bad and the good. It saddens me to be reminded of how many years I wasted being fat, yet it motivates me to continue with healthy eating and exercise for the rest of my life. It reminds me that being obese and out of shape isn't a place I ever want to even visit again. As one person on BL said tonight, this is the life I always dreamed of living.

I still have 20 pounds to go to reach goal of 135, but tonight, after watching the BL finale, it seems obtainable. I just have to keep my eye on the prize in front of me, as well as never forget what I've left behind me.


MizFit said...

Have to say I skimmed your post as Im off to watch BL now :)
had to record.

BUT I LOVE your sentence about remembering what it was like not to live your life. those words (not so well phrased) are what kept so so many of my clients on track.

Ella Enchanted said...

Thank you so much for this post. You always seem to have perfect timing with your inspirational posts. I am so proud of you & of what you have accomplished. Please keep writing & continuing to motivate us!!!

antgirl said...

I have a hard time watching a whole episode, too. Waaay too much crying. It should be a new rule, "No crying in weight loss." LOL Plus, it seems they stretch a 1 hour show to 2 hours. I don't want to watch a 2 hour show. Sometimes they have good tips though.

It is good to be reminded of what it was like to treat ourselves badly. I sometimes forget, too. Being able to live and full on is worth every bead of sweat, every ache and every bout of hunger.

Yes, there is some deprivation involved - in giving up crap we thought we couldn't live without. Ya know what? I don't miss that crap any more.