Thursday, June 25, 2009

I fought the binge and the binge won

The truth: I didn't even try to fight the binge. That's how it won.

Yesterday was my first day of counting calories. It was a big freaking disaster. I was perfect up until 9pm, my bewitching hour. I swear if I could somehow go from 9pm to 6am without entering the kitchen, I could get to my goal weight.

At 9pm I had eaten 1550 calories, and was doing great. Since I had burned 600 calories in two hours of exercise yesterday (walking and the gym), I thought 1600-1700 was a good range of calories for me. Then it happened.

I was putting away leftovers in the freezer, when I spotted my most favorite thing. Skinny Cow mint ice cream sandwiches, 140 calories each. I did the math and thought that would only put me up to 1690, I'd still be okay.

After eating one ice cream sandwich, the mindless eating thing happened. I ate the entire package, six ice cream sandwiches for 840 calories. After that I ate two handfuls of pecans for about 400 (?) calories. I don't even know what I was thinking. I guess that's the problem, I wasn't thinking.

I woke up this morning with regrets. My first thoughts almost every morning are what did I eat yesterday, was my eating good or was it bad? It's pathetic. I often wonder if this is how an alcoholic feels after a drinking binge. The remorse, the self-hatred.

To make matters worse, I skipped the gym this morning. I'm extremely sore from some intense workouts the last few days. I'm walking at lunch, and I'll hit the gym on my way home tonight.

I realize last night was just one night, but this is how it starts, my path back to obesity. Will I ever get control of my binge eating? Why is it so easy to lose control? Why do I do this to myself? Is it some form of self-hatred to eat like this? Of course, the biggest question, can I stop this in it's tracks right now? As usual, I don't have the answers, just the questions.

Today is a new day, a new fight. Hopefully, I'll come out a winner today.


big_mummy said...

if its any conselation this post made me laugh so much, know that pain! and skinny cows evil powers.

draw a line under it and have a better day today!

antgirl said...

Have you read Dr. Kessler's *The End of Over Eating*? I just finished. It was very enlightening as to why we do what we do sometimes.

My bewitching hours seem to be between 6 and 8:30 p.m. I have strict rules for myself during that time. It's still hard.

Ida said...

I do the same thing with Blue Bunnie Sugar free fudge bars. I've had to quit buying them because after 10:00 I'll eat one, then two then 12. Yikes! The difference this time is that you realize what you are doing and have empowered yourself to stop. Don't be too hard on yourself, though.

Brooke said...

It truly is an addiction. I thought it would get easier as it goes along - and I've found that it's almost harder for me now. Why is that? I sometimes think it would be easier to be addicted to alcohol - at least I don't HAVE to have it to survive - like I do food. I have to eat. Food has to enter my body - and I'm addicted to it. How do you fix that? I guess what I'm saying is - I feel your pain girl!! We'll hang in there though. Right?