Saturday, June 6, 2009

Letter to my husband

Dear husband,
I understand that you're bored to death with the food around here. I totally get it. Chicken, fish, tons of vegetables and fruit, it does get old after months and months of eating the same thing. Grilled, broiled, baked chicken or fish, steamed, roasted or grilled fresh vegetables. I know...b-o-r-i-n-g to you, but delicious to me because I'm freaking half-starved most of the time.

I wish I had more time to try wonderful new recipes to make healthy food more appealing to you. Unfortunately, as you well know, my job has been consuming me these last few months. If I'm not working at work, I'm working at home. That's just the way it is right now. I don't have a choice. It's a new job, and a very demanding one. I have to do what it takes to be successful at this, finding a different, lower stress job right now isn't an option and not something I even want. Even though I complain about the amount of work, I actually like it a lot more than what I was doing. It's a great opportunity for me.

Therefore, I won't be trying new recipes anytime in the near future. Plus, and we've discussed this numerous times, I do better eating the basics. When I get all fancy and make really delicious new recipes, I tend to eat more. It's in my best interest to stick to the basics. I know that's selfish, but you know me, I am a very selfish person when it comes to my health.

I've tried hard to not be your food police. I don't make snide comments anymore when I see fast food wrappers in the trash. Yes, I've seen them, Burger King, Wendy's, Taco Bell. I use to nag you about it but I've long since let that go. What you eat is your business not mine. I'd like you to make healthier choices (no fries!) but as much as I want you to eat right, I can't make you. I remember when you'd make comments when I use to buy junk food and how angry I would get at you. I won't do that to you.

There is one thing I need you to stop doing that's having a very negative impact on me. Stop bringing food into the house that a.) you know I love and b.) that's completely unhealthy. My case in point are the corn chips, carrot cake and barbecued ribs that were here last week.

The ribs weren't that big of a deal because I'm actually over my love of fatty meat. It just doesn't appeal to me anymore. So I can let that one go, but the carrot cake and corn chips?! My God man, you know my addiction to those two foods.

When I found the half eaten carrot cake in the freezer out in the garage I thought I was in the wrong house. You don't even like sweets so what was that all about? You know I love carrot cake, more than just about anything. Especially carrot cake with gobs of cream cheese frosting. Luckily I was feeling strong on Tuesday and Wednesday, and then it was gone on Thursday (I know because I went searching for it).

Thursday. That was the day everything went to hell. The day my manager said one of the projects I'm managing would be done by June 19 or all hell would break loose. The day the developer on the project told me no way would he be done coding by June 19. The day I was told I had to spend two weeks in Tulsa in July, one week in Bohemia, NY in August and attend a conference in Atlanta in September. The day the Director told me I would have ten more cities added to my list of cities coming on board in the coming year for common use (my project: common use airports). The day I wanted to quit my fucking job because it was just too much. The day I came home at 9pm and said to hell with it all.

You were asleep when I came home that night. I found the corn chips in the pantry. I'd seen them earlier in the week in the kitchen, then they disappeared. I thought you'd eaten them. There was at least a half bag (large bag) left. I ate the whole thing. It was a day when I realized my food addiction is alive and well. That I wasn't cured. The corn chips led to half a gallon of sugar-free ice cream covered with organic raspberries and lots of honey. Then four slices of Dave's Killer bread covered with Smart Balance butter stuff and honey. I felt sick afterwards. I had a full-out binge. Something I hadn't done in months. It was a very dark day.

What I'm trying to tell you is that I'm like an alcoholic or a drug addict when it comes to food. I can't have things in the house that are bad for me and I love. I can't resist them. I will eat that stuff until I kill myself. It's like poison to me.

Like I said, I'm not your food police. You may eat whatever you want. I won't condemn you or nag you about it. I only ask if you must have corn chips or carrot cake or any of the other foods I love, that you keep that stuff out of my reach. The freezer and pantry are not out of my reach.

I don't think this is too much to ask. You've told me over and over how proud you are of me for losing this weight, and how good I look now that I'm thinner. I remember you saying a few weeks ago that I look like the girl you married 21 years ago.

I know you like having a thinner wife, we've discussed your concerns over my health when I was heavier. Although I know it was more than my health you were concerned about. You didn't like having a fat wife. You never came out and said it, but it was pretty obvious. I don't hold that against you, you can't help how you feel. You're just not attracted to fat women. It broke my heart at the time, but I've accepted it.

So if you don't want me to weigh 240 pounds again, or more likely a lot more, please stop bringing all this crap into the house. I'm weak when it comes to foods like corn chips and carrot cake.

I will eat myself into an early grave if presented with the opportunity. The only way I can control myself is to not have these foods available to me. I can resist buying them, I seem to have that kind of control. I only ask you resist having them in the house. If you love me, you'll do this for me. Please.



Note: I've posted this on the refrigerator. He hasn't see it yet. I'll let you know what he says.


Ida said...

I hope he getsw the message.

Ron said...

Wow, how did it go ?

~ugly girl with a beautiful heart~ said...

Good for you sweetheart. That was a very brave and strong thing to write.