Thursday, June 18, 2009

The naked truth

If you're looking for some positive reinforcement, you may want to stop reading now and go somewhere else. Any of the blogs I have in my blog roll on the right are usually incredibly upbeat and positive.

My black mood has been with me all week but yesterday I went to a new level of darkness. I watched a video of myself, made yesterday. I was naked. You don't need to know why I made the video, I could write a book about that, just know I made a naked video of myself and watched it. Rather, I watched a few minutes of it and was so repulsed by what I saw I had to stop or run from the room screaming Phoebe style, "My eyes! My eyes!".

It was, to put it as kindly as I can be, absolutely hideous. I don't see myself as I really look. I must have that disease that's the opposite of Anorexia Nervosa, the disease where my mind sees me much skinnier than I really am. The fat on my belly and thighs is flabby and saggy and just ugly. Even my arms that I work so hard on looked flabby. My breasts are droopy, as well as my butt. It was all bad. I can't say one positive thing about my naked body. I was horrified, disgusted, disappointed.

You would think this would make me want to work out even harder to lose weight and get in shape. Sadly, it had the exact opposite effect on me. I felt like saying to hell with the whole thing. Even if I lose another 20 or 30 pounds, I'll still look awful. I know some of it's loose skin, and some of it is just age, regardless, it's not a pretty sight.

It explains a lot of why my husband isn't attracted to me. Seriously, I see nothing sexy in how I look. I don't just want the lights out, I don't even want to be in the room.

I've been told there's nothing as unattractive or unsexy as a woman that doesn't like her body. Well, that's me. I'm hatin' on my body right now.

One of my all time favorite movies is Real Women Have Curves. I love America Ferrera. She's one of my favorite actresses and I love this movie.

I caught a part of Real Women last weekend, the part where she's working in her mom's sewing shop, ironing the dresses. She's hot and sweaty and takes off all her clothes except her bra and panties. She encourages the other women working there to do the same thing. It's a hysterical and touching scene as each overweight woman pulls off her clothes and says, "you want to see cellulite? Look at this, THIS is cellulite." It made me laugh, but more seriously, made me wish I could accept my body for what it is, an almost 54-year old, flabby, overweight female body with curves and cellulite. I want to be like the women in the movie, but it was just a movie, not real life.

I have no profound revelation in this post. Only that I'm sad about how I look, especially after 16 months of hard work. I mentioned something about this to my husband last night, which resulted in a big fight. He said, well, you're not really fat. Maybe you should see a doctor, maybe they can tell you what you can do. Not exactly what I wanted to hear. I marched off to bed, alone, sad, and hurt. I'm still reeling from that one. WTF?! See a doctor? His answer for everything I complain about...see a doctor. I'm not even speaking to him this morning. I may never speak to him again.

Well, I said this was a dark post, and it is indeed. The naked truth, I'm unhappy, about my body, about my marriage. Where to from here? I honestly don't know.

I wonder if I have a touch of this, although seriously, the flaws aren't imagined. They are real.

Body Dysmorphic Disorder (BDD)Body dysmorphic disorder (BDD) is a disorder in which a person is extremely concerned with their outward appearance, and imagines severe flaws, or distortions, on their body. Typically these flaws are slight imperfections, or are merely imagined. Flaws in the skin, hair and face are most common, although these “flaws” can appear anywhere in the body.

The ugliness felt by those with BDD draws them away from social situations that might draw attention to themselves. Body dysmorphic disorder is sometimes considered a social phobia or a form of obsessive compulsive disorder. Those affected with this disorder are at an increased risk for depression and/or suicide. Plastic surgery is also common among those with this disorder. The poor body image those with BDD suffer from is common in people with eating disorders. People with eating disorders will often seek eating disorder treatment at a local eating disorder residential center in hopes of recovery.


Linda said...

We are our own worst critics! You've lost an amazing amount of weight. Our bodies need time to bounce back from that!

Oh and my husbands response to everything is go see a doctor too. I hate it.

bbubblyb said...

Diana, this journey really is about learning to love ourselves including our saggy fat and droopy boobs. Not to make light of it but it's about trying to be happy within. I often wonder will I ever get to that point. I know therapy has helped a lot. Hubby has helped too even though I think most men just want to try to help us fix what's wrong when sometimes it's just not possible.

Would a doctor be able to help us? Seriously I think even if we went in and had our flab hacked off and our boobs blown up and out, everything tucked and pulled, we still probably wouldn't be happy, maybe a little happier but until we fix our minds it really doesn't matter what our bodies look like. At least that's what I think.

As for the video or intimacy it really is about what the other person sees in us and I don't mean our bodies even but more our spirit. I do think a person that feels sexy is sexy.

Diana, I hope we both can get to a point of feeling good about ourselves inside and out. Love the good person you are.


Ron said...

I think your full of shit! First of all the only person that sees you naked is your husband(well I assume this LOL) and he saw you naked when you were fat, compared to how you look today... which you have to admit.. is a hell of a lot better then you were 16 months ago...You look amazing! Did he complain 16 months ago how fat you are ? Does he complain how you look today ? Does he carry any extra poundage ? You have come along way, you should be proud. Of course I havn't see the video LOL just kidding... If you keep eating healhty and exercise, it can't get any worse.... Now get out of the funk.. and live your life... Life is to short the way it is! hmmmmmm
are you still speaking to me ?

Anonymous said...

Oh Diana that sounds rough. DOn't know what you look like naked but think you look hot in clothes!:)I work in a field (Mental Health) where I have to see way more people naked than I want to and I will say that many more people than anyone imagines look terrible naked even though they look great in clothes. Most people I'd say look bad naked. Brave of you to take that video esp when you've been feeling so vulnerable lately. I think that most couples in their fifties struggle with attraction and changing bodies, I think it's just part of growing up together. In my experience most husbands don't seem to look too impressive naked and it doesn't bother them too much! Hope you feel better soon.
Megan (daily reader that doesn't comment much)

~ugly girl with a beautiful heart~ said...

I'm right there with you. Yesterday was a dark day too. Hugs.

Graciela said...

Oh, Diana, your post brought tears to my eyes. We have SO MUCH in common. Maybe we should get together and talk (if you want to maintain anonymity, I understand, so just say no) :-)

antgirl said...

Been there. Hugs. I feel for you.

Men don't think like we do. They don't understand what we need. Honest, we have to bluntly say it flat out. Sometimes they surprise us ... but most times, no.

I don't know if it helps, but I can tell you what I see. I see a beautiful, slender and tall woman with a bodacious body. I would never guess you were 54 from your pictures. You have gorgeous full hair [envy from someone with fine, thin hair]. You often seem so together. You're incredibly strong and I love your passion, especially when you go on about your bike.

Whatever you're seeing, it's not the whole package.

Here's something funny ... the ice cream truck just went by and my cat ran to the window. She wants ice cream?! LOL

Graciela said...

Are you still at the WW e-mail address you used a while back? If so, I'll email you there.

Ida said...

I wish I could say something that would help you out of your depression. I think that you are intelligent enough to realize that what you are feeling is neither normal, nor is it healthy. Yes, we all look at ourselves with a hyper-critical eye, but I think you have gone beyond the normal self-criticism. If you didn't realize this, I believe you would not have posted this blog.

big_mummy said...

your post brought tears to my eyes but only because I understand. xxx

big_mummy said...

oh and i found that clip on you tube... looks like a fun movie, i wanna see it. i love her.