Sunday, June 7, 2009

A woman possessed

It was a very bad week, with the topper being a 76-Point day yesterday. I was completely OP all day until about 6pm. I had a healthy breakfast and lunch, then we decided to go to the movies. That's when my day went all to hell.

I popped a bag of Healthy Pop and put it in my giant bag, along with my stainless water bottle filled with ice and diet root beer. I had every intention of being "good".

We saw Star Trek. I totally loved it! I fell in love with the guy playing a young James T. Kirk, Chris Pine, what a sexy hunk. In his TV interviews I thought he was a total miscast. Yet he was perfect for the part, as was everyone cast in parts of characters I'd grown up with in the original Star Trek. Yes, I'm that old folks. I watched Star Trek in the sixties, before it was in reruns.

During the movie I kept thinking about reading on a blog that someone loved Sour Patch Kids candy, and it was non-fat and low in calories. I finally got up to go to the bathroom, and came back with a box of Sour Patch kids AND a giant tub of movie popcorn. I haven't eaten movie popcorn in 15 months, since starting Weight Watchers last February.

I shared the popcorn with my husband. He told me it was the best popcorn he'd ever eaten, and I had to agree. I didn't get butter on it, but it doesn't matter. We all know that stuff is popped in oil, tons of oil. One cup is one Point, and I ate at least ten cups. I could taste all the oil and it had a melt in your mouth quality. The Sour Patch Kids were yukky but I still ate the whole box.

If I had stopped here it wouldn't have been so bad, but then we went out to dinner. We both love Mexican food. In my former life (pre-Weight Watchers) we use to go out for Mexican at least once a week, now we go maybe once a month. I usually order chicken fajitas and a box when I place my order. I put two thirds of my food in the box before I even start eating, then kind of pick at the chicken and vegetables and the healthy cholesterol-free beans. I never touch the sour cream, guacamole, or rice. I allow myself one tortilla.

Last night it was like I was someone else. First of all, they make their tortilla chips in the lobby. You can watch the girl at the machine making these wonderful fresh chips. When they bring the big basket of chips, they bring three bowls of dip. One is a warm bean dip covered with cheddar cheese, a kind of slaw with hot peppers and then their regular salsa they make from scratch. Normally I never touch the chips. Last night I was stuffing them in my mouth with the warm bean dip, dripping with cheese. It was like I was possessed.

I didn't order the healthy beans and I didn't ask for a box. I ordered the chicken fajitas with corn tortillas, and I ate three tortillas filled with guacamole, sour cream and the chicken mixture. I ate almost all the refried beans and even some of the rice.

I was a woman out of control this week. When I stepped on the scales this morning I wanted to cry. Eight pounds in one week. What am I trying to do to myself?

It's just so frustrating, I feel like a pig. I know what you're thinking, I shouldn't beat myself up about this, it was just one week of screw ups (remember Thursday). I can get back on plan. The problem is if I don't beat myself up, I'll continue this behavior. I know myself well. I've repeated this behavior my entire life, with the last 15 years being a yo-yo of up and down 100 pounds three times. I have to stop this in it's tracks right now.

My plan for today:
Gym - 1 1/2 hour workout
Bike ride this afternoon or sooner (looks like rain)
Eat only my allowed 19 Points
No flex even though they reset today & no APs

About the letter to my husband yesterday, he apologized. He said he didn't know why he bought all that food. He didn't think it would bother me since I seem to have a will of steel when it comes to food (now that's hilarious!). He promised he wouldn't buy any more junk food, and if he does, he won't bring it home. He needs to lose about 50 pounds and is going to start going to the gym with me and trying to eat healthier during the day. No more fast food.

Funny thing about last night, my husband didn't make one comment about my eating so much at the movies and at dinner. It was almost like he enjoyed seeing me eat. He was unusually happy. It was kind of weird, kind of creepy weird. I'd have been mad if he had said anything, but to not say anything at all was odd. Maybe he wants a fat wife. It doesn't matter, because he's not going to have one.

Postscript: I told my husband this morning I gained eight pounds this week. He just looked at me and said "where?". I was wearing shorts and a tank top and sucking in my gut big time. He said it must be muscle because he sure couldn't tell I'd gained eight pounds. The truth is when I was wearing my size 10 jeans last night, they were too tight. I can feel every pound. But that was a sweet thing to say, even if it's not the truth (or he's not very observant).


Graciela said...

I too remember watching the original Star Trek...I was totally in love with Chekov (I think it was the accent). I haven't seen the movie, so I hope it is still in the theatres when we get back from vacation.

As far as feeling possessed to eat, eat, eat...I feel for you, lady. I go through days when I eat healthy and feel so good, then the next day I eat like a crazy woman. But I'm still going to tell you to not beat yourself up...

Your hubby may have mixed feelings about you losing weight. While he is no doubt proud of your weight loss accomplishment and love the way you look, he may also be fearful of the male attention I'm sure you get when you are thin.

Fatinah said...

I've so had a day like that!

Ida said...

II'm an original Trekkie from way back! Have watched every Star Trek episode and movie ever made. I love all the Star Treks. I really enjoyed the new movie. They did a wonderful job casting it. It is a tribute to the show. I also loved Leonard Nemoy being in the movie.

I've had times like that when something just snaps and all I can do is eat, eat, eat! And then beat myself up about it. But I've also learned that the occasional sip up and weight gain serves to make we strive harder to stay on track next time.

It was sweet of your hubby to say those things. In his eyes, I'm sure you look wonderful. It's just that husbands sometimes don't see things the way they really are. Bless their hearts.

Ron said...

Ok so you had a bad week, this is a new week and you will do so much better.... won't you ???

~ugly girl with a beautiful heart~ said...

Diana, sweets, shit happens. You had a hell of a binge there but we all do it sometimes. I wish we could all be super strict and hardcore and reach and maintain our goals like it was nothing, but most of us can NOT be that way. And I know personally, if I tried I'd fail miserably and end up back where I was...or worse. It's not that I have to allow for total binges, but allow for the "off" day every so often. Don't beat yourself up over it either. You've lost a shit ton of weight and you're such a skinny girl now (yeah that's right I said it!) that you WILL feel every pound. That's just the way it is. The smaller you get, the more you feel it. Come on honey, you know this. Just keep up the good work, we're all here for you.