Showing posts from July, 2009

The constant battle

I feel like I'm in the fight of my life with my weight, and I'm not winning. I'm constantly worrying about what I'm eating. Am I eating too much? Did I get enough protein? Did I get in at least some of the healthy eight? Did I drink enough water? Did I lose? Did I gain? How much do I weigh? What can I do to do better? It's making me insane.

Other people that have been doing this as long as me have it all figured out. There's Mary and Lynn and Tony and TJ and many others. They all get it. They know what to do and they do it. I know what to do, and I don't do it. What is different in their brain than my brain? Why can't I do this?

If I sound exasperated and frustrated and angry with myself, well, it's because that's how I feel today. Every day I attempt to get this right and every day I fail.

My weight this morning is 163.4. Not where I want to be. Obviously, I don't have the answers. If you do, please tell me the secret. Because I sure as hell c…

It's official, I'm on a D-I-E-T!

Call it what you want, lifestyle change seems to be the most popular term for losing weight these days, but for me, it's a DIET. I've been screwing around for months with this, up and down the same eight to ten pounds. Right now I'm up to 163. I put on my size 10 slacks this morning, the ones that run a little small but fit perfectly a couple months ago when I weighed 154. They zipped up okay, but my tummy sticks out. Even when I suck it in it still sticks out.

Next week I'm in Tulsa for re-certification of our software that's used at common use airports. I'll be working with several software engineers that I've been emailing and talking to on the phone for several months. These guys are smart, really smart. I'm not. I'm not an idiot, but I'm not a true geek when it comes to computers. I can get by okay, but I'm kind of a fake when it comes to being a software engineer. I'm the project manager on this project, not actually doing any codin…

Lucy is going home!

Woohoo! I found the owner of the black lab. It took a bit of detective work, but I was able to track him down.

I called the Humane Society this morning, where she was adopted (AVID told me). They wouldn't give me the exact address, but said it was in the 2200 block of a street that's two blocks from my street. Best of all, they gave me the phone number that AVID had and when they called no one answered. AVID said the number must be bad and refused to give it to me.

I kept calling it all morning and no one answered, not even an answering machine, until about ten minutes ago. Finally someone picked up. He said they were worried sick about her getting onto the busy street two blocks from my house.

Her name is Lucy. Tonight Lucy gets to go home.

Tired to the bone

I don't usually write about the weather, but come on, 100 degrees in Seattle today! That's newsworthy. Thank God I let my husband intall three monster room air conditioners this year (at $500 a piece). I told him it was a waste of money and crazy and a bit white trashy to have window air conditioners. Who knew there would be a record heat wave this year.

Luckily I work in an air conditioned office, have an air conditioned car and now our home is basically air conditioned (kitchen, family room, bedroom).

So why am I tired to the bone? I sleep well, but wake up exhausted. It's a cool 67 degrees in our bedroom at night, just the way I like it (hubby says it's too cold). I even blew off my workout this morning. My excuse: I was too freaking tired to get up at 4:30 a.m.

I haven't even unpacked my suitcase from my vacation last week and need to repack for my next trip. I'm leaving on Sunday for a week in Tulsa (work). Just the thought of getting on another plane makes m…

I am not the dog whisperer

She's a black lab mix, big as a horse and strong as an ox, and she has that big goofy, sweet lab personality. She showed up on our front steps yesterday afternoon. We live two blocks from a busy street. If she got on that street I knew she would be a dead doggie. What else could I do but bring her into our fenced backyard? It was really a no-brainer.

I posted 15 signs in the neighborhood at 5 a.m. No calls. I've listed her as a found dog with the Humane Society and Pet Finder.

I took her to the vet tonight and had her scanned for a microchip. I literally jumped for joy when they said she had an AVID microchip. Then my heart sank when AVID called the contact numbers and came back on the line and said one number was disconnected and the other had no answer. They promptly gave up. I begged then for the owner's name. I'm a pretty good detective and there are ways of finding people. Something about a privacy rule.

I wrote AVID tonight and told them what I thought about their s…

Back from vacation, and I have no regrets

I got home around 11 p.m. last night, but didn't get to sleep until almost 1 a.m. Lots of catching up with the hubby last night/this morning. Turns out he really missed me while I was gone for nine days. I should do solo vacations more often. Right now I'm exhausted. The typical I need a "vacation to recoup from my vacation" story.

I had a really great time in Alaska, I always do. Did lots of stuff, lots of visiting with everyone, and lots of pictures (about 500 pictures--gotta love a 2GB memory stick). I'll post the pictures later, right now I'm late for work.

No exercise to speak of except swimming every day, but not swimming for exercise. It was swimming for fun, mostly playing with the kids or floating around on an inflatable chaise lounge. Even though it was 75-80 degrees all week, the water temperature was 68-70 degrees, which is very cold. Every time I got in the water it took my breathe away. The only way to stay warm was to keep moving, so I got a litt…

Leaving on a jet plane...VACATION!

Finally, a week of play. Even though this is probably one of the absolute worst times for me to leave work, I'm taking vacation. As my manager put it, there isn't a good time for me to go on vacation so just go.

I'm tired to the bone. Long hours for the last few weeks, burning the candle at both ends, catching a cold, more long hours. It has all wore me down to a deep tiredness that even a good night's sleep can't seem to shake.

Today is laundry, packing, running a few errands, cleaning up a few loose ends for work, the gym, and then catching a plane tonight to Fairbanks, Alaska.

These are my most favorite vacations. Complete and total downtime at my sister and brother-in-law's house that's 30 miles south of Fairbanks (on 400 acres). Staying up late talking, sleeping in, leisurely, slow-paced, relaxing.

We'll go swimming every day in their "gravel pit" swimming pool (you have to be from Alaska to understand). The weather forecast is for sunshine a…

The voices in my head

There's a "good" voice and a "bad" voice constantly talking in my head. It drives me nuts sometimes. Today the conversation about working out went like this:

It can't be 5am already! I just went to sleep. I'm not working out today, I'm too tired!

Get your butt out of bed. Remember, this is how it starts.

But I think I'm getting bronchitis. I have that weird tickle thing in my lungs, like last time.

You didn't cough all night, get up. Now!

Don't wanna!

30 minutes later I'm up

I don't want to go to the gym. So tired. It's too late anyway. I need to go to work early today. No time for the gym.

Okay, but pack your gym bag, you're going after work.

Why? If I'm too tired now I'll be too tired at 6pm.

Pack the bag.

I pack the bag anyway, but stay late at work leaving around 7:30 pm.

I'm so tired, I think I'll just go home.

No, you're going to the gym. It's not up for discussion.

No, I'm going home.




The almost perfect green monster & HFCS

I keep talking about my four-part plan to get to goal, but not writing about it. I'm still working on it, but I will tell you one part:

changing what I eat

I'm a creature of habit and in the past 17 months I've basically stuck to the same foods, with little variation. I have eaten the exact same breakfast for months and months. I can make in it in about a minute, it's pack full of protein and I love it.

It's my skinny-downed egg mcmuffin for 6 Points. Real egg (organic, free-range of course), real 2% cheddar, Thomas multi-grain muffin, low-fat Canadian bacon. But every morning? Day after day, month after month.

I know this is bad. I know the importance of eating a variety of foods. It's key in weight loss and in health. There's nothing wrong with my breakfast, but there aren't any fruits or vegetables in it. That means I have to pack them into the rest of my day. Sometimes I do, sometimes I don't (usually I don't).

So after reading blog after blog ab…

No drama today

I like Tony, the Anti-Jared guy. He meant me no harm with his post yesterday. I know that now.

In the past year I've watched Tony evolve into a kind and caring person, especially during the past few months. I think it might have something to do with that tiny newborn son of his that's changed him in ways he didn't expect. Babies tend to have that effect on people.

Or maybe Tony was always like this but it just took me a while to really see him for who he is, a really good person.

I'm not hurt, and he's not hurt. I'll continue to follow his blog. I never did stop.

End of story.

Don't want to be bedridden in your old age? Read this!

I worked until 8pm today, another 12-hour work day. Long story and I won't bore you with it. I don't really have a choice. Perhaps unemployment, but that's not really an option.

I was home by 8:30pm, after deciding not to go to the gym tonight. I had a horrible night's sleep last night, coughing and tossing and turning, the sleep of the old and the sick. I had skipped my morning workout. This makes four days of not working out.

I was whining to my husband that this is how it starts, miss one day, then two days, then four, next thing you know it's been a month of not working out. Four days of no gym is a near record for me in the past 17 months. He started telling me that I needed to ease up on myself, that I was going to make myself sicker and blah blah blah. We've had this dicussion many times in the past.

As if on cue, right at that very moment a program came on PBS about Aicar and it's effect on the human body. It's some sort of 'exercise in a pill&…

Getting old sucks!

My sister is 17 years older than me. I'll be 54 in a few weeks and she'll be 71. It's actually kind of nice having a sister so much older because in a way, I can sort of foresee my future. On the other hand I know I'm going to outlive her and that breaks my heart. She's one of my very best friends.

The good news is she's healthy as a horse. She's also beautiful (she got the looks and the smarts), and she looks like she's in her early 50's. She looks my age. She eats healthy, watches her weight and goes to a water aerobics class five times a week, every week.

She's has never had a major illness and has only been hospitalized three times in 71 years, for the birth of her three children. This was exactly like our mother, three kids, three hospitalizations. Our mom lived until she was 86 and went from healthy one day to a coma the next and five days later she was gone. The doctor didn't know what caused her death. It's a long story, but we thi…

I'm sick of being sick

I have a cold. Yesterday was the worst of it, I seriously thought I was going to die. I wanted to die. Today is better, but I'm still under the weather.

Something odd I've noticed the last few times I've gotten sick since losing 85 pounds. I seem to get sicker. The symptoms are more intense, I feel worse. Even a simple cold isn't a simple cold anymore. It knocks me to my knees. The cat bite, it almost killed me. The last time I had the flu, it turned into a month long bout of bronchitis.

I really don't understand this. I take vitamins, I eat really healthy for the most part, I exercise like a lunatic, yet my immune system seems weaker, like it can't handle the simplest of illnesses.

I'm physically stronger, I can lift heavier weights, walk farther, work out harder, but my body seems very susceptible to getting sick. I don't like this. When I was fat, a cold was just a cold. Now it feels like it's a death sentence. What's up with this? Anyone else n…

I want a divorce because you're fat -- Part 2

In April I wrote a post entitled I want a divorce because you're fat. It was about a friend of mine who is overweight, and his wife was divorcing him because he is 150 pounds overweight.

I haven't talked to him since April. He stopped by my cubicle yesterday and we chatted about how things were going, about his divorce. I could see a sadness in him that I hadn't seen before.

I told him about my post I had written after our lunch, and the surprising number of people that had posted comments. Some siding with him and some siding with his wife. He asked to read the post so I sent it to him, with the comments.

Here's the email he sent me after he read the post and the comments other people had posted. This is from Ben:

D ~

Thanks. That was amazing to read.
It really puts things into perspective for me.

I don't blame her a bit for wanting to leave me. I did not do anything to correct the problem and did not give her any hope that I would.

With so many years of issues (baggag…

Still standing

After going to bed at 1 a.m I was up at 5 a.m. and at the gym by 5:30 a.m. I read my post from last night/this morning. I need some cheese with that whine. I guess I don't do well after 15 hours at work.

My workout this morning was great, which surprised me. I got a lecture from my husband about burning the candle at both ends. I know it's not healthy but sometimes it's not really a choice.

The guy friend at the gym acted weird this morning. He said hi, but kept walking. I guess being married makes me off limits to talk to. It was a little awkward but I understand. At least I can focus on my workout and not worry about him talking to me. Although he was really sweet and very complimentary to me, which is probably why I never mentioned I was married. He's also a cutie.

All my really good work friends are guys and we talk about everything. We're all married and it's not weird at all. I guess the date thing is probably what's making it strange. Hopefully we can g…

My work day from hell

I just got home from work about 30 minutes ago, and please note it's 12:30 A.M.!

Worst work day ever! My project is in status red. Red is bad.

It started with getting called as I'm driving 75 mph to work, Las Vegas begging for help with a computer that refuses to load our software. Flight delays because it won't work (flight delays - very bad). I don't know what to tell them but we get it figured out later.

The absolute worst part of my day, I got sucked into making code changes for a production bug that went out Monday. It was a very high visibility project. Not project, but one where the directors and vps are chomping at the bit that it goes out perfectly. So everyone is breathing down my neck...are you done yet? Is it fixed yet? Can we start testing now? No. No. And NO!

The testers were going to stay all night until I had a version to test. I finally told them to get out of there, it wouldn't be ready until in the morning.

The person that wrote the code was off work …

No iPod, no workout?

Nada. You know me better than that. When I realized I'd left my iPod at work I almost started to cry. I can't workout without my music. I've tried it before and it was a disaster. I own three iPods but the two I have at home had dead batteries (note to self, keep an extra iPod loaded with current music and charged).

What to do? No music, no way was I going to the gym. Then I ride! I've never ridden my bike at 5:30am. It was the best bike ride I've ever done. I added some miles to the end to make it an even 12 miles. Lots of hills, and it took an hour.

I saw a gazillion bunnies, baby bunnies, big bunnies, white-tailed bunnies, brown-tailed bunnies, bunnies chasing each other. Maybe not a gazillion, but I stopped counting at 19. It must be the year of the rabbit because they were everywhere.

I also saw a lady race walking, then about a fourth mile after her was an overweight dog, dragging a leash, going as fast as he could walk, he looked like he was race…

Bad weekend eating made for a difficult workout

If I ever thought what I ate didn't affect my workout, I was proven wrong this morning.

I was at the gym by 5:40am. It was a struggle getting out of bed. I was groggy, tired, grumpy, and even gave a passing thought to just staying in bed. I somehow managed to get up, get dressed and out the door. I've been doing this consistently for many months so I'm pretty much on auto-pilot in the mornings.

Once at the gym, I climbed onto the StairMaster stair climbing system and thought 'I don't want to do this'. It was hard. REALLY hard. Harder than it's ever been for me. I always start at level 6 and increase a level every five minutes for thirty minutes until I'm at level 10 for the last five minutes. I thought I was going to die this morning. I had a pain in my side and my heart felt like it was going to burst right out of my chest. It was the most difficult workout I've had in months, maybe even years (I've been doing this for 17 months).

I did my upper b…

One became two, two became....

Yesterday I had the holiday as an excuse for my out of control eating. Today I screwed up again.

It didn't help that I bickered with my husband on and off all morning which made our date this afternoon a little stressful. It's hard to be happy with each after arguing over such minutia like the garbage. Or me almost burning down the house with my cooking (he didn't see the humor). It was a lousy day, which I used as an excuse to eat.

I didn't eat anything fun like steak or potato salad or frosting, just too much of the healthy stuff. Too much skinless, baked chicken breasts, too many cherries, too much sugar-free mint chocolate chip ice cream. Too much food. The only good thing is it's 10pm, and I'm not at all hungry.

From past experience I know how this works. First it's just one day, then two, then before I know it, it's been a month and I've gained 10-15 pounds, then six months later and I've gained 60 pounds. I've been down this road before.

Me + wine = trouble

Regret is an appalling waste of energy; you can't build on it; it is good only for wallowing in."
~Katherine Mansfield

There's not a whole lot to say after the title of my post. I ate my heart out yesterday. It started with a couple glasses of wine, which always makes me not care about my eating. I know better than to drink and eat.

Then it was barbecued T-bone steak AND chicken with the skin. Chicken skin, how I love thee. Potato salad, I forgot how good white potatoes with real mayo tastes. Like a little bit of heaven. It was a true pigfest.

This was after I biked to the gym, did the StairMaster for 25 minutes and an insane lower body workout for 45 minutes, then biked home, for 640 calories burned. Even with all the exercise, my debacle afterwards put me way over on Points. After the third glass of wine, I stopped counting and truly didn't care anymore.

It's a new day, and I don't regret yesterday one bit. I ate too much and drank too much, but I had fun, and no…

Post-frosting report

Your comments on my frosting confession were so sweet (ha! pun intended). Seriously, you make me feel like I'm not such a freak for some of the stupid stuff I do.

I've put the frosting incident behind me, probably literally behind me as I'm sure it's planted itself on my big fat butt. I threw the other half of the can away when I saw the expiration date. It really didn't taste very good anyway. It was a sweet, chemical bitter taste, that's the only way I can describe it. Maybe it was the expiration date, maybe that's just the way it tastes. Regardless, it's gone.

I know I'll never be "cured" of this obesity disease. Sometimes I feel so strong, like I've conquered it. Then I have moments, sometimes hours or days or weeks (even months and years) where it consumes me. All I can think about is getting my next fix. If I succumb, like I did with the frosting, then I'm filled with remorse. I know this is a disease of some kind, maybe a dise…

A confession

This is what I discovered in my pantry late last night:

I ate half of it, with a spoon, standing alone in the kitchen at 11:30pm. It tasted funny, kind of like chemicals. I didn't remember buying it. I looked for an expiration date. August 2008. Gross!I guess I'm not cured after all, not if I can still do stuff like this.So much for losing a pound a week. I'll probably gain a pound this week...if I don't die from eating rancid frosting.