Tuesday, August 18, 2009

About last night...

The bewitching hour came around 10pm and as usual, I lost all control. Another day down the tubes. Perfect all day, a great workout in the morning, healthy food in modest portions all day, then at 10pm I was stuffing my face with sugar-free ice cream (I must stop buying this stuff) and pecans (yes, on the ice cream).

Tonight was the same dance. My food of choice was Weight Watcher's 1-point caramel snack bars, about ten of them. They don't even taste that good.

What the hell is wrong with me?

There are a few things different in my life right now that are causing a ton of stress. My job is killing me. I'm angry about a work situation, and I just can't seem to let go of it. I'm struggling with a co-worker that I work very closely with on a daily basis. It's a long, tedious story but basically every day I'm trying to maintain my sanity (and as you can tell, I'm losing that battle).

If there was a way out, I'd take it. In this economy that's really not even an option so I have to grin and bear it. This is the worst of times in my job, and I've been through some difficult situations in almost 26 years at this company. This one is one of the most unpleasant I've had to endure.

The other thing is my marriage. It's another daily struggle. Tomorrow is our 21st wedding anniversary, and I don't know if we'll make it to year 22. We're fighting, arguing, bickering and generally not getting along. Neither one of us is happy. I really I don't know how to fix it.

Right now, I don't know how to fix anything. It all seems so...hopeless.

About the laptop
Okay, I'm really loving this sweet little laptop. It's a Toshiba E105-S1602 and was only $799 (but I got $130 discount). It's so awesome. 2.0 Ghz, 4 GB RAM, 500 GB Hard Drive. My most favorite feature is the backlit keys so you can watch TV with the lights off and the keys are lit. It's also super fast. My old laptop that I bought almost five years ago was $2,800. This is ten times the machine than that one was, for a fraction of the cost. Amazing.

I was leaning towards the Sony VAIO but the one for the same price as this Toshiba was a stripped down version. To get all the stuff that's on the Toshiba in the Sony was about another $1,000. Not worth it for the Sony name and looks (although, that VAIO sure is pretty).

I've already called the Toshiba Help Center and they were great. They're in India, but they all are these days. The tech was super helpful. I accidentally turned of Vista's flash card for the function key and the backlit keys. The guy walked me through what to do and now it's working again. I'm new to Vista so I'm learning (and kind of hating it).

So far (only about 24 hours), I'm loving this laptop.

I've taken over 1,000 pictures in the last month. Here are just a few:

Picking blueberries in Fairbanks with my favorite nephew

For sale in Nenana for $2.000

Smoked salmon caught in an Athabascan fishwheel in Nenana

A typical home in Nenana - this belongs to the rich guy in town - thus the sign above the door

Guns for sale in the local grocery store in Nenana - not even locked up

Nenana cemetery - I have a thing for cemeteries - long story but they fascinate me

Nenana cemetery with a view

My brother and me, with his dog Goldie...yes, a big Alaskan macho dog...a Pekingnese :)


Lia said...

I'm glad to hear your laptop is exceeding your expectations! We were just taught in Econ about how technology is one of the few things that get better and also cheaper.

The late night thing, I'm sorry about. I too am a night eater, and have STILL been working on it. Now I just don't buy anything tempting, which is hard when you live with someone else, my ex was a junk food junkie, didn't help my desire to be healthy. Try to void buying the foods, or do pushups when u feel stressed? Who knows

MizFit said...

you know Im a night'er as well. and for me it is STILL a nightly choice (not to? to have a good snack? to decide TONIGHT I get a junk treat?)---every night.

I guess Id chime in with the dont buy the junk food---but I know for me that doesnt lessen my I WANNA SNACK WITH MY TV cravings.

Uh, sign me:

Not Much Help :)

Sweety On A Diet said...

I also used to binge late at night, now I go to bed earlier:-) It sounds so stupid, but it really works for me.

Ron said...

Try eating two cups of blue bunny fat free brownie sundae ice cream.... if it does to you what it does to me, your stomach cramps will be so bad you won't want any for a long time!!!!! one cup is good.... two cups.... is pain!!!!

Ron said...

awesome pics... by the way.. you look great!

Fatinah said...

what about just going to bed earlier - just till you can get yourself out of the cycle?? if your husband is going to bed early anyhow - might go a long way to re-connecting with him.....

bbubblyb said...

I'm a hot tea (decaf) with milk drinker at night, sometimes I'll have 3 huge cups. It usually gets me through on those tough nights when all I want to do is eat.

Glad you're liking the new laptop, makes me want one, mine is pretty darn slow.

Sorry to hear you and hubby are not getting along. I remember when I was at the end of my first marriage and I said to him "I have no kindness left for you", I think sadly that's what happens sometimes. Not sure if it's possible to get it back, I'd like to think there is. Maybe it's time for another going away trip for your anniversary. Seemed like last time you guys had a good time.

Loved the pictures, I want to see more *smile*. You are looking great and looks like you had a great vacation.

2 Be Whole said...

sweetie, I hear you on the daily battle with food. My bewitching hour is between 2-4 in the afternoon. I don't know you or how you deal with stress, but for me when I am stuffing down and repressing feelings, I start stuffing down food and making not such good choices. The only thing that has been effective for me is to journal about what I want (happiness, love, calm, peace, PIZZA, ICE CREAM) and why I want those things and which are in my best interest and which things are not there to support me.

antgirl said...

I'll start by saying you look fantastic in the pictures. Really - healthy and happy.

You're obviously searching for a way to unwind and destress. I need it, too. I recognize it. I've gone much healthier [like I buy only organic snacks], but I still have to have it more often than not.

Perhaps if you work with it, instead of warring with it, you'll make a bit more progress. Maybe by changing the way you think about it from 'cheating' to 'fine and dandy' it will help you, too. 'Cause we always want what we tell ourselves we can't have.

Sounds to me like you need a hot tub and a masseuse. :-D

Ida said...

I have the same problem with the night eating. I can be SOOOO good all day and come 10:00, the munchies attack me, and like you, I will over do the sugar free (supposedly healthy, but not really) junk food. From the comments, sounds like you are 'normal', or we all have the same thing wrong with us. Sorry about your job stress. That makes it hard to even want to go to work. I hope you and your man can work things out. 21 years is too long an investment to just walk away from. I love the pictures. You look so relaxed and happy in them.