Friday, August 28, 2009

The insomnia

For about two weeks I've been waking up at about 3 a.m. (after going to bed around 10 or 11p.m.). It's like a switch is turned on in my head and I'm suddenly wide awake. I immediately start thinking of work, of all the things I need to do, and I can't go back to sleep.

I've tried all my tricks that I've used over the years to go back to sleep, but they're not working for me. I usually just give in to it and get up. Often writing down some of my work tasks, checking my work email, even sending work emails.

Around 4:30 a.m. I get dressed for the my workout and drag my tired butt to the gym, getting there around 5 a.m. My workouts are still pretty good, some mornings better than others, some mornings I can tell the lack of sleep is catching up with me because I'm just so tired.

I know how bad this is for me, but I seem powerless to stop it. Several years ago I read a book about stress and the effect it has on your body. Weight gain was only one of the issues, the authors even claimed it could more serious problems such as cancer.

Besides the serious health issues is the simply problem that I'm tired. Very tired. So tired that some days I don't think I'm going to make it through the day.

I have no problem going to sleep at night. In fact, I'm practically asleep before my head hits the pillow. Literally.

Sometimes I take a sleeping pill, just other the counter stuff. This will make me sleep through the night, but then I wake up groggy and exhausted. I hate that feeling.

My only hope is when my current project at work ends things will be better and my sleep pattern will return to normal. Our first beta deployment is tentatively scheduled for September 28 in San Francisco. I hope I live that long. Right now, I'm not so sure.

The food
I'm doing pretty good. I've been eating too much at night lately, but I just don't care. The only really unhealthy thing I've eaten this week were those tortilla chips a couple nights ago. I ate more than the two servings, more like five servings. But I didn't eat the whole bag, which is good. In the "old" days, about two years ago, I would have eaten the entire bag.

I ate out twice this week, the sushi (too much but all healthy) and the Italian Chop Chop salad without the salami that left me starving. That reminds me, I ate Sweet Tarts at the movies and a couple cups of movie popcorn. My weigh in on Saturday is probably going to be bad. Again, right now I just don't care.

Lately I don't have time to eat my mid-morning and mid-afternoon snacks at work or drink all my water. I have too many meetings and too much to do. I keep telling myself I need to slow down, not be in such a frantic rush all the time, but I just can't seem to follow through on this thought.

This post
I feel like I'm rambling. I'm writing just like my brain is running lately. Disconnected thoughts that aren't really focused. It's almost like I'm heading towards some sort of mental breakdown.

I know the stress is getting to me. I see a spattering of "I don't care" in this post. That's really not like me. For me to not care about eating too much or not worry about my weigh in, is a sign something is terribly wrong in my life. I guess my brain can only worry about so much at a time and right now my job is my central focus.

Balance in all things, right? How does one do that when one part of your life consumes you? Sucks all your energy and leaves you left with nothing for yourself.

It's 4:36 a.m. I have to go to the gym now. Thank God it's Friday. Seriously. Thank God.

8am - back from the gym. I feel 100% better fact, I feel like dancing! I care! I really do care about what I eat and my weight. I want to get 100% back on track...and that's my goal this weekend. To set up a real plan on how to do this when faced with overwhelming work issues.

I really changed up my upper body workout this morning. I did four machines I haven't used in a long time and four dumbbell exercises I haven't done in months. Everything was new, except for Sadie (the old "StairMistress"). I'm so in love with her I hate doing other cardio. I did the bike and elliptical yesterday so I do take a break from her occasionally, but she's my first love. :)


bbubblyb said...

Sorry you're not sleeping. Are you still seeing the therapist? I know for me having mine to sound off of even once a month does me a world of good. Hang in there, hope the project at work gets over quickly. Stress is something to watch out. Take care of yourself. Maybe a weekend away would help.

spunkysuzi said...

You too?? I know exactly what you mean because the last couple of weeks i've been doing the same thing with my sleep! It's so annoying and it does catch up to us.
I finally had to get something from the Dr because i knew i couldn't keep going like that or i would crash!
Hope you get mucho sleep soon!!

~ugly girl with a beautiful heart~ said...

I hate feeling oh so tired. I've been loading up on coffee in the morning just to get me through the day.

antgirl said...

Seems to be going around. I've been having the opposite problem - trouble falling asleep. I know mine is hormone related - every month I have a few days where sleep comes hard.

Wishing you sweet dreams and 8 hours.

Pamela said...

Diana, I am SO sorry that you've had so much stress in your life lately! Never forget that you are a very strong woman and that you WILL get through this phase of your life. I know I've been MIA for a while (I'm going to try to do better), but never forget I'm here for you! I hope you get a good night's sleep soon. Hugs!

Lia said...

Hopefully the stress will go and so will the insomnia. It can be sooo frustrating! Good to see your workout got your positivity pumping! Rest easy!

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