Sunday, August 9, 2009

Wake up Diana: you're killing yourself

I was going to title this post "Wake up America", but it's really me that needs a wake-up call. America will have to take care of herself.

While I was in Tulsa I noticed an unusually large portion of the population was extremely fat. Morbidly obese would be more accurate. I only make note of this because I could easily be in the category of morbidly obese. I have it in me to weigh well over 300 or even 400 pounds. My highest weight was 245 but I know myself well, and my love of food and lack of willpower could easily be the death of me. By the way, Oklahoma is the sixth fattest state, and it was pretty obvious there's a problem.

After I wrote my earlier post I finished off the Seafood Alfredo from yesterday and had a large piece of carrot cake with ice cream. I took another nap. I got up around 3pm and got dressed for the gym. I didn't want to go. I felt sluggish and tired. Every fiber of my being said "Just skip the gym today. You already blew it with what you ate today." Even my husband encouraged me to stay home (shame on him).

I managed to get in my car and drive towards the gym. Then I remembered there really wasn't any healthy food at home to eat. I stopped at the grocery store to stock up before I went to the gym.

As I walked into the store, in front of me walked two extremely heavy people. A man and a woman, each probably around 350 to 400 pounds. The man could barely walk, limping with each step. He looked like he was about 30 years old. There was a woman with them in an electric cart, with oxygen tubes in her nose and a tank of oxygen in the basket of the cart. She was easily over 400 pounds. I'm pretty sure she was younger than me, maybe 50.

Once inside the store I was surrounded by extremely heavy people. It was the strangest thing I've ever seen. Everywhere I looked almost everyone weighed well over 300 pounds. I'm a pretty good judge of weight since it's been my obsession my entire life so I'm not exaggerating on the size of the customers in the store.

It was like a message from God as I walked around the store. I could hear that voice in my head screaming at me, "THAT COULD BE YOU!" as I encountered each overweight person. I watched them struggling as they walked. Most of them were moving slowly, as if each step hurt them. I remember at 240 pounds I felt like each step was torture. I could feel their pain.

The entire experience was surreal, almost like a Twilight Zone episode. After I got my groceries I went straight to the gym. I piled all the frozen stuff together in the trunk of my car and didn't even care if it melted a little. I was going to the gym right then, nothing was going to stop me.

I'm home from the gym and still a little in shock over that weird experience in the store. It was my wake-up call. I can see how easily I can slip and fall back into old bad habits. One day leads to two, two to three, etc. You know how that story plays out. We all do. Been there too many times. History will NOT repeat itself this time.

I'm in this for the long haul. I feel my determination coming back, my resolve to stay strong and beat this thing. I will not kill myself by eating myself to death. I will NOT do it.


Sara said...

Wake up calls are strange, aren't they? We need them but we're almost always far too comfortable in our slumber to appreciate them most of the time.

There's so much dogma out there about accepting ourselves in spite of our obesity--in telling eachother how it doesn't define us or limit us or change who we are on the inside.

I think that's pretty much bullshit.

We are at a crisis point in this country, and I believe that we can retain and celebrate our humanity and also declare that it is NOT OK to be dangerously overweight. I'm tired of the tip toeing and cowtowing and happy faced tambourine shaking we all do in the name of fat "acceptance" frankly makes me sick to my stomach.

I'm glad you found your resolve, hold it tight and wield it like a shield!

spunkysuzi said...

I'm so glad you bit the bullet and went to the gym! Yep sometimes i'm amazed by what i see and it does tend to keep me more on track.

~ugly girl with a beautiful heart~ said...

Love those wake up calls! Sadly last time I was in OKC I felt like the fattest person there. But hey, we're working hard to keep our completely mobile butts mobile and out of those scooters, right!

Ida said...

Wake up calls can be awesome. I've had that same experience, or one similar. I see all the obese people and think "I could look like that." It makes me work that much harder to NOT. Eating too much sweets and calorie/carb laden food always makes me feel sluggish and lethargic. It's how the poison works.

antgirl said...

It's eye-opening.

I have to agree with Sara. I am not the same Mary I was 100 pounds ago. And, if I were to gain the weight back, I would not be the Mary I am right now.

It's nice to get reminders. Huh? I'm hoping the perfect pair of jeans I just bought serve that purpose. :)

MizFit said...

It is SO SO easy to slip back into old habits and I find I totally do for a day here and there & then need to administer my own WAKE THE HECK UP WOMAN!! call.

dont be me :)

Ron said...

It's amazing when you look around what you see. Reminders of what it could be like for me if I don't make those healthier choices are seen on a daily basis!

Emmett said...

I hate gettting up in the morning. I oversleep all the time. It is amazing to see what life would be like if you don't take care of yourself.