Showing posts from September, 2009

Still hanging on...just barely

I'm still in San Francisco. Not a whole lot to say tonight. I'm very tired, frustrated, not exactly happy. More tired than unhappy though, so I guess that's a good thing.

Eating isn't perfect. I'm missing meals then eating too much when I do get to eat. I worked out Monday and Tuesday, but overslept today. Tomorrow I'll go to the hotel gym.

I still want to go home. Maybe tomorrow.

Where are YOU?

In a dark hotel room, somewhere near the San Francisco airport, my cell phone rings at 12:37am. I awake from a sound sleep to answer it.

Me: "Hello?"

Husband: "Hi!"

Me: "Why are you calling me?"

Husband: "I wanted to me make sure you're okay."

Me: "Of course I'm okay. I'm home. I don't understand why you're calling me."

Husband: "You're not home, you're in San Francisco."

Me: "I AM home and I don't know why you're calling me. Just come talk to me. "

Husband: "Diana, you're not home."

Me: "Yes, I'm home! Where are YOU?"

Husband: "You're NOT home."

I try to look around to see where I am. It's pitch black in the room. Then I realize it's not my bed and I'm not home. It dawns on me, I'm still in San Francisco! My husband is home and calling me in San Francisco.

It's very disorienting to wake up and not know where you are, or to think…

The scar

I'm in a hotel in San Francisco, alone. I'm here for work. I am not having fun. Major problems with my project at the airport. Back at it tomorrow for another long day.

I wrote the post below a few weeks ago but never posted it. Tonight, after removing my makeup, and staring at myself in the mirror, I could see the scar is really noticeable. It's because I'm tired and stressed. But when I smile, the scar disappears.

Yesterday's pictures are there now, not sure why they weren't there yesterday. You can see the hooker shoes that I don't own anymore. And yes, I actually wore them a couple of times. Sometimes I'm stupid like that.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~The Scar
There's a scar on my lower lip. It's just a little vertical mark that crosses my lower lip line. It's not really noticeable to most people. When I get really tired, it becomes more pronounced.

The scar is a reminder of a very bad time in my life. I was 22 and had …

I give up

I give up on ever wearing these size 7, slim fit jeans. I've had these jeans in my closet since 1997. That was the last time I weighed 124 pounds and had a 27" waist. I remember I was shopping with my mom and when I tried on these jeans, they fit. I looked skinny, really skinny. I was ecstatic to finally fit into a size 7.

I also remember I felt like hell. I was weak and tired and hungry. It was my vegetarian, starvation phase, and eating less than 10 grams of fat a day. When I'd bend over and stand up quickly I'd see stars.

I never wore these jeans. I was only at the 124-pound mark for about three weeks. I proceeded to gain 120 pounds over next two years. These jeans have remained on a hanger in the back of my closet all this time. I pull them out every year or so when I'd start a new diet. They were my goal jeans.

Today I was putting away my summer clothes when I came across these jeans. I've finally accepted it, I will never weigh 124 pounds again. I'm 5&#…

The best dinner ever!

I've been following Lia's blog for over a year. She's an amazing young woman. She reminds of someone with an old soul in a young person's body. She's figured out things about life that I'm still trying to figure out.

Lia is attending a Swiss hospitality school. When she wrote about her sprialized zucchini with cashew afredo sauce, I asked her to post the recipe. In the meantime I ordered a spiralizer from, and it came today.

It was so much fun to spiralize the zucchini, and it was really easy to use. I'm a nut for kitchen gadgets and this thing is great.

Tonight I made Lia's recipe for spiralized zucchini with cashew alfredo sauce. It was absolutely the best thing I've ever eaten in my life. Seriously, it was that good. As I was making it I said to my husband you can sure tell she's a chef because there were no amounts in her recipe, so I winged it. It turned out fantastic!

My husband, who never says something is really good unless he rea…

Cat on a hot tin roof

Not really a hot tin roof, but it is a cat on a roof. That's Mickey Mouse, my cat, on top of our roof. That's where he was when we came home Thursday night. My husband left the ladder up against the roof when he was cleaning out the gutters last weekend. Mickey figured out how to climb up (and thankfully down) the ladder. Really nothing to do with this post, but this post really doesn't have anything to do with much of anything.

I have a very busy weekend to get ready for a business trip to San Francisco on Monday. Today it's Weight Watchers, gym, haircut, mani/pedi, and buy a new suitcase. I'm going to check a bag for this trip. My old bag was destroyed on the last trip. I rarely check a bag but it's a necessity for this trip because of the stuff I have to take with me. This time I'm going to buy the wildest color I can find, definitely not black. If I can find zebra stripe, I'm buying it. I'm tired of looking at a hundred black bags trying to find…

Doin' the Puallup!

We went to the Dave Koz-Brian Culbertson-Peabo Bryson concert last night. It was at the fair. Puyallup is where the fair is held, their slogan is "Doin' the Puallup!". That makes two things I kind of hate, jazz and the fair. At least I thought hated them.

Surprisingly, I was wrong! Turns out I can appreciate good jazz. The crowd was so into the performers and the music that it was contagious. Completely different crowd than P!nk. About half African American and almost everyone was our age or older.

My husband loves jazz so he was in heaven. I'd never heard of Peabo Bryson, but all his songs were top forty songs. He sang If Ever You're in My Arms Again along with some of his other hits. The concert was outside and it was extremely romantic.

Dave and Brian were awesome musicians, and if you close your eyes jazz actually sounds pretty good. So it wasn't torture at all and I had a really good time. Not as good as at my girl P!nk's concert, but still good.

This is…

If I could bottle this up for later

You know the feeling, the feeling that nothing could make you eat something you shouldn't or eat too much or eat late at night. That super-human strength that comes from somewhere, that saves you from yourself.

I've been binge-free for four nights in a row. I think this must be a record. Last night I was hungry around 11pm (late night), but I told myself breakfast was only seven hours away. I could last seven hours without eating. I think I read that tip in Dr. Beck's Diet Solution, or maybe someones blog. It worked.

Writing down my food in a regular journal, adding up the calories is really helping me. Maybe it's because it's different or because I can see all the food I've eaten during the day, written in my handwriting. The calories have been between 1100 and 1500, the Points between 20 and 30. It's really working out to 1 Point equals about 50 calories, every single day.

Whatever it is that's working for me, I wish I could save it for when I'm feel…

Exercise is not optional

At least once a week someone will ask me what motivates me to exercise. They want to know my secret. When I tell them I like how it makes me feel, or I want to live longer and be healthier, keep my weight down, wear cute clothes, they nod in agreement, but I can tell they don't really get it. They still want to know how I do it.

I wish I did have a secret to share with people, that would motivate them to exercise. There just isn't any secret, but there are a few things I can share that might help.

When I weighed 240 pounds it hurt a lot to exercise. I would feel a pain in my chest, my asthma would flare up and I could barely breathe, my feet would ache and hurt, even on the elliptical machine. It was pure and utter torture. In the beginning I would only do cardio for 30 minutes, four days a week. Every day I thought I was going to die. Every day, I wanted to die.

As much as I hated it in the beginning, I knew not exercising wasn't an option for me. I was 53 at the time (19 …

Day -- I don't know anymore & yes, yes, yes!

Yes, I deleted my last two posts. I re-read them and didn't like what I wrote. They never happened.

Yes, I changed my blog design, again. The hot pink/red color made me nauseous .

Yes, going to bed earlier works wonders. I can't make it by 9 p.m., but two of the last three nights I was in bed by 9:30 p.m. I feel so much better.

Yes, I'm counting calories now. I'm writing down every bite. I've done this for three days and it's helping. This is easy because I know the calorie count of almost every food. It's really the same as tracking online, but writing it down is making a difference. I'm not sure why it's working, but I'm not going to analyze it.

Yes, I've been binge-free for three whole nights. Not even any late night snacking. It's a miracle. I feel very much in control of my eating these last few days.

Yes, I'm still working out like a crazy woman. An hour and a half, six days a week. Still in love with Sadie.

Yes, I'm still doing …

Day 22: Choices

It is what it is. A gain of 7.6 pounds in two weeks. Weekly average loss since Feb 9, 2008 - 0.9 lbs. per week.

Let me go back over the last two weeks and see what I shouldn't have done (this is just a sample of my bad choices).

1. Beer - 9 Points
2. Skinny Cow Mint ice cream sandwiches, six in one night (crack) - 17 Points
3. Weight Watchers Cookies 'n Cream ice cream bars, six in one night (more crack) - 17.5 Points

Stupidity - priceless.

New day, new week, and all that other crappola I spout all the time.

I read several blog posts the last few days that talked about choices, making the right ones. I made some really bad choices last week. Part one of my plan is to make better ones this week.

Part two of my plan is to go to bed by 9pm. Since my crazy eating happens between 10pm and midnight, what if...I was asleep?! I'm brilliant!


Day 21: Hold it close to your heart

I'm not sure if it's contagious, and we're all catching it from reading each other's blogs, but something seems amiss. I even caught a bit of it myself.

What is "it"? Our lack of enthusiasm for losing weight. Several of the blogs I read are written by people who have been at this for a long time, the same as me. Actually, it's not that we lack the enthusiasm for losing weight, but we lack the enthusiasm for doing the things we have to do to lose weight.

It's like we're all tired. Tired of the mundane, of the boredom. The measuring, the counting, the tracking. The decisions about what's the best choice, what's the most healthy thing to eat. The worry. The remorse when we screw it up. The self-flagellation when we don't get it right.

I'm right there with you. I'm tired of it all too.

On the other hand, I vividly remember what it was like to weigh 240 pounds. I can flip over to my pictures page and look at myself. I remember the humil…

Day 20: Eating more, moving less

Guess what? I've proven the theory that eating more and exercising less doesn't work! I said I wasn't Einstein, I wasn't kidding.

I got on the scales this morning, as I do every morning, and I'm up two more pounds. Now I'm 164. Six pounds in almost two weeks. I am NOT calm. I am FREAKED out about this. WTF?

I know exactly what happened. I relaxed a little, eased up on how much I was eating and cut back on my workouts a little. I decreased my gym time from 90 minutes to 60 minutes. Oddly, I've seemed hungrier lately since working out less.

So, the insanity is back. Back to my 90-minute workouts, which I don't really mind. I kind of enjoy them. The hard part is the eating less. I love food, especially in quantity. I need to re-evaluate what I'm eating and how much. I need to journal everything, all day, not just 3/4 of the day. Maybe change things around a little.

I'm back at it! Eating LESS and moving MORE is the correct formula for weight loss. I ha…

Maybe I'm gay?

Well, maybe I'm not but apparently my taste in music is gay. I don't go to a lot of concerts, but the last three in the last couple of years, Cher, Abba Re-Bjorn and now P!NK, all have huge gay followings. Absolutely nothing wrong with that, in fact, makes things interesting.

The P!NK concert was fantastic! I give it an A+++++. The concert was sold out, with over 16,000 people attending. They originally had it at a smaller venue but moved it ten days before the concert because so many people wanted to attend and couldn't get tickets.

P!NK rocked it, and I mean rocked it. I had read a review of her Funhouse tour in Europe and Australia (same tour here), that if you liked her before the concert you'd walk out afterwards loving her. That's what happened to my husband. He was kind of lukewarm about her, even though I loved her. After the concert, he loved her and I loved her even more.

There's just something about her, not only is she a really good singer with an inc…

Could we be any more different?

My choice, 9/15/2009, and he's going with me.

His choice, 9/24/2009, and I have to go with him. I just hope I can stay awake. God help me.

Day 18: Really, it's been 18 days?!

I can't believe it's been 18 days since I made a personal goal to reach 150 by October 31 for the Weight Watchers Lose for Good campaign (food for the needy). Instead of losing weight, I've actually gained weight. I was 162 this morning (up from 158).

I remain calm. I'm not freaked out like the normal Diana gets when she gains a few pounds. Yes, I'm talking about myself in the third person, weird isn't it?

I feel back in control. Counting Points and all that stuff that I know works. I worked out for only one hour this morning. Thirty minutes on the StairMaster and thirty minutes with weights.

I pulled something on the inside of my elbows with the 25-dumbbells I used on Friday. I was forced to use the 25-pounders because some goofball was rubbing his foot on the only set of 20-pound dumbbells. My elbows hurt like heck and doing hammer curls are impossible and bicep curls aren't much better, so I did lower body workout today (my least favorite workout).


Day 17: Faking it

Tonight I was going to write about hiking on Saturday (loved it!) or the Seahawks football game today (super loved it!). Who knew I'd love professional football, especially when my team wins 28-0. Woohoo! Of course, the Rams were having a really OFF day. At one point they had 12 men on the playing field, all actually playing! They lost 7 points for that and never recovered. A really fun game (pictures below).

However, instead of my fun weekend, I decided to write about what's really on my mind, even though it will make me look like a big, fat failure to many of you.

Friday and Saturday I made an attempt to be normal, of relaxing the rules a bit for myself. To me, being normal when it comes to food means being someone that eats when they're hungry, doesn't necessarily worry about what they're eating, but tries to eat healthy foods in modest portions. They don't weigh and measure their food. They don't log on to their computer and enter in every bite that enter…

I think you're swell

A really cool person, Graciela, gave me this really cool blog award. The reason this award is so special to me is because it's very original (don't you love that cute little face?), and it's from someone I really respect. Someone that shares my same crazy bad body image problems, that suffers from the same negative self-talk, as well as all the food issues, and has fought hard to overcome these things. Thank you Graciela. I'm honored that you thought of me.

What's really cool about this award is I can give it to anyone or to no one. There's no pressure (whew!). So here's what I'm doing. I'm giving it to everyone that's in my bloglist on the right. Seriously, if you're there then it means I read your blog every day. Or whenever you post and some of you, not to name names, don't post often enough.
If you're there, then that means I think you're swell, and you're special to me. If you're not there, please tell me and I'l…

Day 15 & 16: What do these have in common? Hiking, Football, and P!nk

Me! They have me in common!

My husband and I are hiking in the mountains tomorrow. I can't wait. It's suppose to be spetacular weather this weekend. I'm super excited to get outside and burn some calories have some fun. I love hiking!

FOOTBALL! The season opening game, Seahawks versus Rams. My girlfriend that has 50-yard line tickets asked me to go with her. My husband is completely jealous. Sunday's forecast is sunshine which means the stadium roof will be open. Woohoo!

P!nk concert. I LOVE her! My husband is going with me even though he's not a super big fan like me, but he likes her. His favorite P!nk song is I'm not Dead (the Dear Mr. President husband was/is a Bush hater). I doubt she'll sing it since it wasn't very popular. I love all her music.

Doing the happy dance because it's the weekend baby!!!

p.s. - taking the weekend off from blogging. Back on Monday.

p.s. again - I saw The Proposal with Sandra Bullock last nig…

Day 14: It's like a weight has been lifted

Angle Lake, WA - about a block from my office.

The view looking up at the sky while lying on the grass.
Roses in the yard of a house on Angle Lake.

Thank you so much for your very supportive and sweet comments. You made my heart sing. You encouraged me and flattered me.You have no idea how much each of your comments mean to me. I really don't think I could do this without you. I love you guys!

Yesterday was a really good day for me. I ate healthy, but not fanatically. I didn't weigh or measure my food, but I ate modest portions. I know what four ounces of chicken looks like, or a cup of sugar-free jello. If it's not exactly 4 ounces or not exactly one cup, I am not going to gain 80 pounds and the world will not end.

My husband told me I looked hot before he left for work. He's not big on giving me compliments, so when he says something like that, it always pleasantly surprises me.

I flipped on the TV as I was getting dressed for work and on the Today Show was Emme,…

Day 12 - Day 13: I'm not Einstein but I know insanity when I see it

158 pounds

What I'm doing just isn't working, same thing over and over, same shitty results.

Sure, I lost 80 pounds, but I can't seem to get this next 23 pounds off of me. It's like it's superglued to my body.

My workouts are insane, I've been doing 50 minutes of cardio a day and 45 minutes of strength, usually six days a week. I've been trying to eat 19 Points a day this week because I screwed up last weekend with two 40-Point days. That's totally insane.

Not only is the 19 Points insane, I've decided for me, it's impossible. I simply cannot live by eating 19 Points a day. I mean, we're talking around 1,000 calories. I burn about 600 calories during my workouts. Besides the fact I can't do it, I don't want to do it.

Have you ever been so hungry when you go to bed, that when you finally go to sleep you have dreams of food? I've actually been waking up in the middle of the night with my mouth moving because I'm dreaming of chewing …

A new blogger - Joe

There's a new blogger on the block. He only has three posts so far, and is doing an amazing job. We all need a little support and encouragement on this journey, so please stop by and say hello to Joe at Shizofilly's World.

Day 11: Back in the game!

My Saturday and Sunday were so far from perfect that it was almost a joke. I tried, kind of, but not really. My heart wasn't into this whole healthy lifestyle thing. I could feel myself yearning for the old days of not caring what I ate or what I looked like or even what I felt like. I just plain didn't care...for two days. Those two days were both 40+ Point days.

Then the TLC documentaries on the super obese were on TV on Sunday night. Wow, that was a dose of reality that I needed. It was like getting hit over the head with a hammer. A hey you, stupid, wake the hell up. You're watching yourself on TV. Everything they were saying, I've felt. The hopelessness, the helplessness, the depression over my weight, the pain, the sadness, and of course, the shame.

Monday morning I woke up with a whole new attitude. It's an "I'm going to win!" attitude. A "this will not defeat me" attitude. I will not fall into old bad habits and my old lifestyle. I'…

Day 10: Half-ton mom, Half-ton dad, 650 lb. virgin

Kenneth Brumley, 1,035 pounds TLC - Half-ton man

It's day 10 of my 'lose 12 pounds in nine weeks' plan.

Yesterday wasn't a perfect day like I had hoped. I made the healthy Eggplant Parmesan with bulgur and pine nuts recipe I linked here a few days ago. YUK! Totally gross. It was a ton of work and tasted awful. I hated the eggplant and normally I love eggplant. I've never eaten bulgur before, and I never will again. Totally yukky. Strangely my husband loved both dishes, and he's not one to say he likes something if he doesn't. I wanted to throw them both in the trash.

After dinner (and I ate very little) I ate tortilla chips. My husband had bought them. I would never bring them in the house. Normally I would just ignore the chips but he found a brand that tastes just like the handmade ones at my favorite Mexican restaurant. I tried them the last time he bought them. I loved them but only ate a couple chips that time. 13 chips are 170 calories and 9 grams of fat…

Day 9: You think this is hard? You are NOT alone.

I wasn't even going to talk about this, but just in case there's someone else out there that's feeling hopeless about losing weight, that feels like they can't get this figured out, that sometimes it seems like it's just impossible to win at losing...well, you are NOT alone.

After my great loss yesterday, eating healthy all day, purposely staying out of the gym so my muscles and body could recover from several back to back intense workouts, I blew it last night.

I finished off the can of Reddiwip (and yes, it's really spelled like that, without an "h"). It was three cups of yummy goodness, equivalent to 18 Points. That made yesterday a 49-Point day. That leaves me with 4.5 weekly Points and nothing in the bank for Activity Points (so far). It's going to be a very long week.

It all started innocently enough. I was going to have some sugar-free strawberry jello with a couple tablespoons of Reddiwip. The Reddiwip is only 15 calories and 1 gram of fat pe…

Day 8 - part two: the official weighin (WOOHOO!)

I lost four pounds this week! My new weight is 158.8. Still a few pounds higher than my lowest, but I'm going in the right direction. I'm so happy!

So what did I do right this week and what did I do wrong?


1.) Journaled every day, even on the days I ate too much (tracking that I ate over 40 Points on two different days was painful!).

2.) Drank a ton of water, at least 64 ounces a day.

3.) Completely cut out the sugar-free ice cream and Weight Watcher snacks. Switched to sugar-free jello with yogurt and fresh fruit.

2.) Six workouts of 45 minutes cardio minimum & 40 minutes strength (three days lower, three days upper).

3.) Lots of fruits and vegetables, very little processed food.

4.) No beef after Sunday (I think I'm allergic to beef). Ate chicken, fish, vegetables.


1.) Ate beef on Sunday, made me feel awful on Monday.

2.) Two late night binges. Controlled binges but they were still binges, approximately 20 additional Points over my allotted 29 Points, each time. Ver…

Day 8: End of week 1 weighin

I haven't gone to Weight Watchers yet, it's not until 11 a.m. I'm ridiculously nervous. It's like I studied for a big test, goofed off a couple of nights so maybe didn't study as hard as I should have, but have high hopes of pulling off an A. I know it's silly to feel like this, but it's a good nervous. It means I'm taking this seriously, this business of getting to goal. Something I haven't done for months.

I had my best workout of my life yesterday afternoon. I had the day off and goofed off all day until 4 p.m. when I decided I'd better hit the gym.

I have some new tunes on my iPod, my new favorite is Girls Go Bad by Cobra Starship (best workout song ever!)--see video below.

My body was super powerful and strong. Maybe the two bad days of workouts I had last week was letting my body heal and get stronger. I don't know what happened but I just know I loved it. According to my heart rate monitor I burned 611 calories in an hour and a half. A …

Day 7: A reason to keep going

December 2007 - 240 pounds

April 2009 - 158 pounds

My before picture horrifies me. It was taken December, 2007. My after/during picture (I'm still not at goal) is from about four months ago, and I'm about that same weight now.

I look at that 240-pound woman and want to cry. She looks so sad. I know the pain she felt, the physical pain and mental anquish of living life at 240 pounds.

Some days I really hate my life. I hate my job, my marriage, my very existence. I try to sound upbeat and cheerful and that life is so grand when I write my blog, but some days, I'm really not feeling it. Some days it just sucks to be me.

My bad day this week was on Tuesday. I argued with my coworkers, including my best work friend. He wouldn't even walk with me at lunch, nor would he talk to me all day. We've since made up, but it was our first "fight" and it hurt. It also included a fight with my husband when I got home and told him about my work day. It was just like everything …

Day 6: Still here

I'm taking the day off from posting. I realized today I've been a little too much into myself lately and I've fallen behind on reading all my favorite blogs. My goal tonight is to catch up on everyone else. I'll be back soon.

A few pictures from my walk today:

This one made me turn around and go back to my car. I was starting to feel lost when I saw this, and I was by myself.

Day 5: I fell off the horse

After all my "look at me, I'm doing this!", I messed up last night. Actually, it was officially Wednesday morning at 12:30 a.m. (Day 5).

I woke up and was ravenous. My positive attitude suddenly disappeared. After a 20-Point binge (which I calculated this morning), which included Light Redi-Whip straight out of the can, I went back to bed. It was almost like it was a bad dream (more like a nightmare) .

To make matters worse, when I went to the gym this morning I decided after 20 minutes to use my "free pass". This is something I came up with when I started Weight Watchers eighteen months ago.

My free pass works like this: if I really do not want to go workout, for whatever reason, I have a deal with myself. Go to the gym and after five minutes on a piece of cardio equipment if I simply can't stand being there, I give myself permission to leave.

It's a mind game I play with myself (I sound slightly psycho). It really works. I'm just like anyone else and …

Day 4: Finding inspiration

I had a really horrible post written in my head for tonight, it was negative and depressing and one of those "woe is me, my life sucks" posts.

Then when I was at the gym tonight (because I couldn't get out of bed this morning), the most amazing thing happened. I got inspired all over again.

I was perched on Sadie, climbing up her stairs, one step at a time, thinking about the agony of it all.

The glass window to my right looked down on a group of young men in their twenties, playing basketball. All of them were very physically fit, most of them were very tall.

There was one guy that was noticeably shorter than the rest, maybe 5' 7", with a thin build. I noticed he moved more than the rest of them. He was all over the floor. Then I saw the tall guys on his team kept passing the ball to him. He was making basket after basket, often from center court.

He was doing this with guys all around him, much taller than him, trying to block him, yet he could throw that ball per…