Thursday, September 10, 2009

Day 12 - Day 13: I'm not Einstein but I know insanity when I see it

158 pounds

What I'm doing just isn't working, same thing over and over, same shitty results.

Sure, I lost 80 pounds, but I can't seem to get this next 23 pounds off of me. It's like it's superglued to my body.

My workouts are insane, I've been doing 50 minutes of cardio a day and 45 minutes of strength, usually six days a week. I've been trying to eat 19 Points a day this week because I screwed up last weekend with two 40-Point days. That's totally insane.

Not only is the 19 Points insane, I've decided for me, it's impossible. I simply cannot live by eating 19 Points a day. I mean, we're talking around 1,000 calories. I burn about 600 calories during my workouts. Besides the fact I can't do it, I don't want to do it.

Have you ever been so hungry when you go to bed, that when you finally go to sleep you have dreams of food? I've actually been waking up in the middle of the night with my mouth moving because I'm dreaming of chewing food.

I need to eat to live, not eat so I can be skinny. Screw skinny. Maybe my husband is right, maybe my 135 goal is too low for me. Just because I thought it was a good weight for me 20 years ago doesn't mean it is now.

As my husband told me last night, I'm in the best physical condition of my life. It's true. My blood pressure is 110/68, my resting heart rate is 48, my total cholesterol is 117. I'm healthy as a horse.

So my thighs aren't stick thin. Were they ever thin? Even at 127 pounds ten years ago I thought my thighs were fat. I'm 5' 6 1/2", and I was wearing size 7 jeans. And I thought my thighs were fat? Maybe it's more about my body image issues than the number on the scale.

I'm rethinking my whole goal weight, and this deprivation path I've been on. I've got to stop it. It's insane, it's making me and everyone around me insane. It's become an obsession and it isn't healthy.

So, in my best Susan Powter imitation, it's time to STOP THE INSANITY!


big_mummy said...

HURRAH!!! At last!!! Now, you are half an inch taller than me- and my aim is to get to 154, that is 4lbs less than you, will that ultinately make me happy??? hell to eff yeh, but by stupid goverment regulations this is still overweight, which is dumbass. You are HOT diana, and this whole punishing the last 20lb or so if NOT helping you, let it go.

maintain. i dare ya

Trish said...

I see mizfitonline in your blogroll, she had an awesome post about working out too much. You might look in her archives and check it out again. It sounds like you may be falling in that catergory and your body is rebelling. Sometimes less is more.

Personally I think you look great and losing 80 pounds!?? That is awesome.

Also try the sinply filling technique...I know I am no example right now, but I lost 50 pounds on the old core, never did I budge counting the points. I am wrestling with myself to get back to eating old core new simply filling becasue I know it works. The purer our food the better our bodies love us and rect to what we eat in a positive way.

I know you will get there, look how far you have already come!

~ugly girl with a beautiful heart~ said...

Gah! LOOK AT YOU!!! Damn Diana I'd kill for your body (and I think you've pointed out that I'm nearly half your age before). No lie, you're a knockout...AND YOU HAVE WORKED YOUR ASS OFF FOR THAT BEAUTIFUL BODY! Now listen to it, very closely. I'm sure if you pay attention to the hunger pains and ease them with healthy food right then and there you will stop with the midnight binges on not so healthy food.

Promise me something? You'll give me the same talk when I'm doing this same BS to myself...cuz I know it's going to happen.

Krista said...

Your singing to the choir sista!! Awesome realization there...the key now is to retrain your mind and you will be good to go.

BTW....You look FAB-U-LOUS!!!!

Karen said...

Honestly, I love WW and I have been able to lose about 100 lbs following the plan, but these last 15 lbs are stubborn.

Like you, I exercise a lot, and pretty intensly on top of it. I get 21 pts a day and it's no enough! From April through June I counted calories (rather than points) and tried to stay in the 1,600-1,800/day range and lost 10 lbs, putting me 8 away from goal (136 and I'm 5'3''). I really messed up in July and August so now I'm back to 15 or so lbs from goal, but for the last week I've been tracking calories and am seeing success.

We need to eat when we are working so hard!

Jack Sh*t, Gettin' Fit said...

I think you're making a wise decision, Diana. You CAN defintely overwork your body as well as undernourish it. Just take a sensible, healthy approach to this and if more weight comes off, that's great... if you maintain where you are, that's great, too. I'm at the high range of my goal and the "ideal weight" numbers say I should lose another 45 pounds. I can promise you that ain't happening unless I lose both legs in a combine accident. We're all built different and that's just the way it is. Glad you're coming around to that idea.

Lisa eats too much pizza said...

I agre with you. I was just talking to a friend who was trying to get back to a weight she was 20 years ago. Not realistic. you are sooooo pretty and your body is BEAUTIFUL!!!! Don't kill yourself to get to a place that you can't stay.

Anonymous said...

Read every single post but haven't commented in ages. Finally! I feel like I have been wanting you to come to this point for ages. Like the above poster I am 26 and would kill for your shape. I think you look really good at that weight, looking at you I genuinely don't think you would really look better minus 20 more pounds. Your body seems to have settled at a place where it feels really healthy and strong. I thought you looked awesome in your alaska pics. Obviously keep working out and eating healthy like you have been but I'm thrilled your considering the option of easing up on 135 a bit. Good luck

Ella Enchanted said...

You look amazing, Diana. I know you aren't looking for compliments, but I couldn't resist. I am 24 years old & you are more active than anyone I know personally. You have come so far both physically & emotionally & you DESERVE to be happy & healthy and not have to be consumed with thoughts of losing weight 24 hours a day. You have worked so hard for so long & I think you should be able to exercise 5 days/week & eat to maintain your weight. The whole world can see how gorgeous you are & you have to realize that our days here on earth are limited & we must enjoy our lives to the fullest! I am so proud of you & the dedication you have given both to your journey and your blog.

Roxie said...

I think looking for a "sustainable, happy" weight is a good goal. I think you are there.

DownsizingDoc said...

Hurrah!!! I've been wanting to comment on just this issue, but I think people have to figure it out for themselves. So what if you starve yourself to get to some artificial weight goal? What happens if/when you get there? Are you going to keep depriving yourself with self-starvation? Over-exercising? Of course not. That's why DIETS DON"T WORK (Sorry for shouting) Permanent, sustainable lifestyle changes that can be maintained FOR LIFE is the only thing that has ever worked. I'm so happy for you finally accepting your beautiful body. Most of us, no matter what size, have body image issues and lack of self acceptance. I've found that since I've accepted myself and where I am on this journey the weight is coming off, I feel great physically and emotionally, and I dont' feel deprived. The cravings are gone. I no longer have to feed my head or heart.

Sandra said...

Please remember it isn't about the scale weight. It's in how your clothes feel and how you feel. You are in a top healthy state and should be very proud of that. Full of muscle and toned. Remember every pound of muscle holds 4lbs of water so to go by what you weigh on the scale is so inaccurate of your true worth.
Let it go, let it go, let it go!
(now if only I would remember my own words when I get on the scale :)).

andrea. said...

I'm not sure I've ever commented here (though I've been reading for awhile) but this post just made me wanna do a little dance and shout FINALLY! I think you look, no joke, DROP DEAD GORGEOUS in that picture and I seriously cannot imagine where the heck you would lose 20 lbs from.

I honestly think that if we devoted half the time we spend obsessing with dieting and 'fixing' our bodies, and instead focused that energy on fixing our minds, we'd be a lot better off. I really hope you can find some peace with the idea of maintaining this weight, Diana!

antgirl said...

I think your decision is very wise, too. I could not maintain your workout schedule ... probably no more than a few weeks before I would rebel.

You don't look the least bit over weight. You look healthy. And wow! You look amazing.

Find your balance and peace will come.

bbubblyb said...

Diana, I'm sure you have a lot more muscle now than you had years ago and muscle just weighs more. I think you should find out your body fat % ( and decide on your goal weight using that method. I have a feeling you're already at goal or pretty darn close.

This journey really is about being healthy and finding happiness and just being content with ourselves. It's hard being ok with our body image when we came from such a place as obesity. We got there because we didn't feel good about ourselves in the first place so it's a vicious circle. So maybe it's time to work on the inner you and realize how amazing you are. *hugs*

sarah said...

My goal is 150 pounds and I'm 5'5". With all the exercise you are doing you are just not eating enough. I know you are doing weights but I'm not sure if you are going to meetings. If you are, have you spoken to your leader about it? You probably need to eat more, but you may want to talk to your leader. You have those extra 35 points and I know we don't like to talk about those when we get this small but if you start eating more you may be surprised.

You look great and are in great shape from what you have said. You may have already realized you don't need to do anything else but what you already doing.

Keep up the great work!!

Ida said...

I'm glad you came to this conclusion girl. My goal is 150 and I'm 5'8".

Lia said...

You're beautiful! I haven't seen many recent pictures, but you look goood! I think 135 is too low for you partly because I weigh 130 at 5' 5" and you look good, not even just "fine" but good. I think it is completely a body image thing more than a weight thing. Focus on that more instead of getting the numbers lower.