Sunday, September 13, 2009

Day 17: Faking it

Tonight I was going to write about hiking on Saturday (loved it!) or the Seahawks football game today (super loved it!). Who knew I'd love professional football, especially when my team wins 28-0. Woohoo! Of course, the Rams were having a really OFF day. At one point they had 12 men on the playing field, all actually playing! They lost 7 points for that and never recovered. A really fun game (pictures below).

However, instead of my fun weekend, I decided to write about what's really on my mind, even though it will make me look like a big, fat failure to many of you.

Friday and Saturday I made an attempt to be normal, of relaxing the rules a bit for myself. To me, being normal when it comes to food means being someone that eats when they're hungry, doesn't necessarily worry about what they're eating, but tries to eat healthy foods in modest portions. They don't weigh and measure their food. They don't log on to their computer and enter in every bite that enters their mouth into a food tracker. They don't feel like they're starving or deprived. They eat for sustenance, as well as for pleasure. They enjoy eating, but it's not their entire focus in life.

My conclusion after two days of trying to be normal with my food, which resulted in a four-pound gain, is that I will never be "normal" when it comes to food. I have food issues that I will never completely overcome, and I'll have to deal with them the best I can for the rest of my life. I'm not feeling sorry for myself, I'm just stating a fact. Things could certainly be worse, and I could have been dealt a much worse fate in life.

I'm back to counting Points and tracking my food. I have eased up on the workouts a little. Five times a week at the gym for an hour a day. Hiking, biking or some other non-gym activity for one day, and a day of rest. The rest day was suppose to be today but after climbing a million stairs up and down at Qwest field, screaming my head off and jumping up and down at the game, I don't really feel like I had a day off.

I'm not beating myself up too much about this self-discovery. It's really not a new revelation, it's something I've always known about myself. I guess I was hoping maybe I had changed, and maybe normal was within the realm of possibility for me, but it's back to pretending to be normal. Or as MizFit says, "fake it 'til you make it!".

The football game
OMG! I'm totally hooked! I've avoided professional football my entire life. I always thought it was a boy thing. My husband loves it, I hate, or rather, hated it. The game was so much fun. I screamed, yelled, jumped up and down, did the happy dance over and over, high-fived everyone around me, it was the best.

This is true about the noise, my ears are still ringing (and my throat is sore from yelling).

The loudest stadium is Qwest Field.Qwest Field has earned a reputation as one of the loudest stadiums in the NFL. Allen had the architects design the structure of the stadium, especially the partial roofs, to direct as much crowd noise as possible on the field. In addition, the north end zone seating, called the "Hawks Nest", was specifically designed for rowdy fans; the seating consists of metal bleachers which reflect sound, and fans often stomp to create even more. Seahawks fans already had a reputation for being among the most vociferous in the NFL; while they played in the Kingdome, opposing teams often practiced with rock music blaring at full blast to prepare for the often painfully high decibel levels typical of Seahawk games.

Seahawks vs. Rams 9/13/2009
Final Score: 28 - 0


Shelli Belly said...

What a perfect day for a football game. It looked like a beauitful Fall day. A stadium of "normal" people.

I believe that faking it until you make it is a perfect idea. Just like my pledge to keep it simple. I recently heard a story of this hunting dog that continually pointed the wrong direction when it came to seeking out the game he was hunting. The hunter decided that the dog needed a more experienced dog that could show him the ropes and train him how to point. They went out a number of times and the dogs would point towads the game but the inexperienced one would point the wrong way. Finally the hunter began lifting up the dog and swinging him around until the dog was pointing the correct direction. The dog eventually began looking around and began to copy the other dog until he was able to master the concept. Think of the people you are pointing in the right direction. Some of us at the beginning of the journey might still be pointing in the wrong direction but you've made such an impact on those of us who still need a lift.

Keep up the good work normal is helping me so.

Lia said...

So, this post got me thinking a bit. This reminded me of a similar situation that I found myself in not too long ago where I was SO frustrated that I could never be normal, and be like those people who could just follow their body and maintain a fit, healthy body and mind. But I have found myself there, or a lot closer than I ever thought was possible, and I believe that you will get there too. It went from over eating and hardcore restricting, to obsessive dieting, to being healthy and needing to count calories otherwise all would fail, to slowly balancing out, through trial and error, and being able to feel what is needed, what is wanted, and why.

I can understand the feeling that "you will never be normal" but at the same time I think that is the way things look now. There is still a lot of self-understanding and balancing to be done. AND because you WANT it, it will come. Intention has a way of leading to results.

MizFit said...

I ADORE that first pic of you.
the way youre holding your body.
the smile.
you look so happy content and COMFORTABLE in your own skin, Diana.

It all made me wonder what YOU see in that photo and if it is the same as what I view.

Krista said...

It's funny that MiFit just mentioned something about you seeing what we see...I was wondering the same thing.

I think we all want to be "normal" but really is there such a thing.

Right now I am not counting points as well and trying to eat normal. I have a sneaky suspicion that eating "normal" for me will probably result in a gain as well.

Just take this as a learning experience and go from there. Some people need structure, some don' shouldn't feel bad about that!

BTW...Love your pics!

How was the P!nk concert??????

Helen said...

I'm a teensy bit jealous - I've never been to a pro football game and really want to go but Giants tickets are almost impossible to come by - unless you're willing to pay scalpers prices and I'm not! It looks like you had a wonderful time. I find your observation about being normal with food interesting. I was just thinking the same thing this morning and I and my stomach try to recover from my NYC trip this weekend. I agree with Krista - some people need structure and there's nothing wrong with that!

Karen said...

I have realized that I will never be "normal" with food either.

Glad you had fun at the game - I love NFL football! I am a Giants fan. When I was in Seattle last year I stayed right by Qwest field. It looked really nice. It wasn't football season though so I settled on seeing a Mariners game at Safeco Field!

Deniz said...

Oh boy. If ever I needed a reminder that I too will never actually be normal around food it's been this weekend. It has been very, very bad and I too have gained! So, like you say "it's back to pretending to be normal". Ho hum.

By the way, MizFit is right - in your photos you look absolutely great!

Jack Sh*t, Gettin' Fit said...

I don't even know what "normal" with food means anymore. I don't trust myself to do well if I'm not blogging ceaselessly and weighing reliously. It's a damn shame, but I feel I've lost the right to even try to eat normally after abusing that right so often.

Graciela said...

It’s funny that you would post about never being able to eat normally. My most recent post was kind of on that subject. I talked about how I had actually lost 8 lbs since Christmas, and my conclusion was: “I honestly think it was because I stopped trying so damn hard to lose weight.”

I think although you were “relaxing” and trying to eat normally, your weight and what you were eating was on your mind the whole time. I know how that feels too, because that’s how I lived my life for 55 years.

I don’t know exactly how someone gets past that…but somehow I did. I really think the therapy helped a lot, because talking with a professional about my issues has somehow negated their power over me. My mind is not as obsessed with what I weigh and what I eat. It has been a very freeing (albeit expensive!) experience.

I’m not pushing therapy, just telling you about my own experience. You need to do whatever brings you peace too.

P.S. You look absolutely adorable in those pictures…very fit and very happy.

Lisa eats too much pizza said...

No way you are a failure for doing that! who would think that??? You look soooo pretty in your pics. What a hottie!

Carlos said...

love football

Fatinah said...

I long ago realized that I was one of those people that would be a weight watcher till she died, unless I wanted to die a gabillion pounds. At first it made me sad. And I felt ripped off and sorry for myself. But not anymore. Now I'm just grateful that I started WW.

Half the battle is knowing what we need to do to go forward, right??

I like the pictures of you!

Ida said...

I think that trying to be 'normal' was a good idea. It let you know that you aren't there, yet. Maybe someday, maybe not. Several months ago, that realization would have sent you into a depression, and you would have beat yourself up, gone on an exercise frenzy and not eaten correctly, can take it, and go on. See how far you've come.
You look totally happy in the pictures. It looks good on you.

seattlerunnergirl said...

Diana, I totally walked right by you on the way out of Qwest Field Sunday! I didn't know that you lived in Seattle (I've just started following your blog) and I told my brother, "I think I just saw someone I follow online!" Came here to find out you *were* there - what a small world.

I just wanted to leave a word of encouragement and say that at 19 points/day with your workouts where they are, you probably are not eating ENOUGH for your body to lose weight. Try upping your points to 25/day and see what happens. But you have to give it more than two days - give it 2-3 weeks before you decide if it's working.

Good luck!