Sunday, September 27, 2009
I give up
I give up on ever wearing these size 7, slim fit jeans. I've had these jeans in my closet since 1997. That was the last time I weighed 124 pounds and had a 27" waist. I remember I was shopping with my mom and when I tried on these jeans, they fit. I looked skinny, really skinny. I was ecstatic to finally fit into a size 7.
I also remember I felt like hell. I was weak and tired and hungry. It was my vegetarian, starvation phase, and eating less than 10 grams of fat a day. When I'd bend over and stand up quickly I'd see stars.
I never wore these jeans. I was only at the 124-pound mark for about three weeks. I proceeded to gain 120 pounds over next two years. These jeans have remained on a hanger in the back of my closet all this time. I pull them out every year or so when I'd start a new diet. They were my goal jeans.
Today I was putting away my summer clothes when I came across these jeans. I've finally accepted it, I will never weigh 124 pounds again. I'm 5' 6 1/2" and 54 years old. It's an old dream, one from when I was 14 years old. It's time to give it up and accept my size 10 body. I can live with that, I can't live with feeling sick just so I can wear size 7.
I'm also giving up on these shoes. What the hell was I thinking? I have a few 3-inch heels, but 4-inch heels are just a little too much for me. Both the skinny jeans and the red 4-inch heels went to Goodwill today. They'll probably make some hooker very happy.
Although I'm giving up on the jeans and the shoes, I'm not giving up on me reaching a healthy weight. I'm almost there, it's within my reach. Maybe it's not a size 7 or even an 8, maybe it's just a loose-fitting size 10.