Sunday, September 27, 2009

I give up



I give up on ever wearing these size 7, slim fit jeans. I've had these jeans in my closet since 1997. That was the last time I weighed 124 pounds and had a 27" waist. I remember I was shopping with my mom and when I tried on these jeans, they fit. I looked skinny, really skinny. I was ecstatic to finally fit into a size 7.

I also remember I felt like hell. I was weak and tired and hungry. It was my vegetarian, starvation phase, and eating less than 10 grams of fat a day. When I'd bend over and stand up quickly I'd see stars.

I never wore these jeans. I was only at the 124-pound mark for about three weeks. I proceeded to gain 120 pounds over next two years. These jeans have remained on a hanger in the back of my closet all this time. I pull them out every year or so when I'd start a new diet. They were my goal jeans.

Today I was putting away my summer clothes when I came across these jeans. I've finally accepted it, I will never weigh 124 pounds again. I'm 5' 6 1/2" and 54 years old. It's an old dream, one from when I was 14 years old. It's time to give it up and accept my size 10 body. I can live with that, I can't live with feeling sick just so I can wear size 7.

I'm also giving up on these shoes. What the hell was I thinking? I have a few 3-inch heels, but 4-inch heels are just a little too much for me. Both the skinny jeans and the red 4-inch heels went to Goodwill today. They'll probably make some hooker very happy.



Although I'm giving up on the jeans and the shoes, I'm not giving up on me reaching a healthy weight. I'm almost there, it's within my reach. Maybe it's not a size 7 or even an 8, maybe it's just a loose-fitting size 10.

~Diana
162.2

14 comments:

*fitcetera* said...

LMAO
making hookers happy is very noble of you Diana! :D

DownsizingDoc said...

Don't know about the hooker, but I think you'll make yourself very happy!

You look fantastic - but what's more important is the "inner" work and the process. The thoughts we tell ourselves, the food we put in our bodies, and the energy we burn with our workouts.

Lia said...

Good thing. Sometimes "cleaning out your closet," in the literal sense, affects the figurative sense too. I always feel so refreshed letting go of the past when I clean out my real closet.

big_mummy said...

i cant see the pictures, but i do have a think for red shoes- wild fluffy sheep said it means i dont wear knickers, which is only a half truth... but congrats to you for giving them up, and making a hooker happy lol

big_mummy said...

*thing

Roxie said...

I think this is a huge step in being comfortable in the skin we are in. I believe that's the first step in really getting to the bottom of the issues that got us all here in the first place. I, too, did my part a while back in dressing the women of the night - mine was a denim bustier with leather laces. Holy crap, now that's classy.

Have a wonderful week, Diana.

Helen said...

I'm with you Diana! Last weekend I went through my closet and gave away some size 6 jeans I've had for close to 15 years. It's just not going to happen. But, rather than be a size 6, I just want to be comfortable in the body I have - happy and content that I'm doing my very best. I think once we're there, the size won't matter so much.

Deniz said...

You are so right Diana. It is an acceptance thing and is all about being happy with the body as it is now, not hanging on to a pipe-dream of the past. Doesn't mean it isn't right to try to reach a goal, but about trying with a realistic idea in mind.

It's sort of funny you should mention this. I am down to a weight I haven't seen for years (er, decades) and saw an old photo from all those years ago just this weekend. To begin with I was disappointed (scratch that - devastated) as, here in 2009, my body does not look anything like it did then. What? After all this effort? Not fair! A short, sharp reality check followed... c'mon, I am nearly 50. Why the hell should I expect my body to look like a twenty-something's for goodness sake?

You say "I'm not giving up on me reaching a healthy weight. I'm almost there, it's within my reach." Good on you for that. You will do it, and you will thoroughly deserve every extra compliment it brings you.

bbubblyb said...

Way to go Diana!!! That loving ourselves thing at whatever size we are is tough sometimes but it sounds like you're getting there. *hugs*

Joy Winner-or-Whiner said...

Yes, you can become thin in an unhealthy manner to where you are not energetic. But I am here to tell you that you CAN also be in your goal size and feel and look PHENOMENAL. Trust me.. I've seen it thousands of times..Keep the faith!

~ugly girl with a beautiful heart~ said...

Ok size 10 is nothing to shake your head at.

Second, I can't see the pic of the red heels, got an x instead, but I want them! I just bought a $250 pair of Harley boots...chrome heel (not a stiletto though, that's what I usually go for), sexy boots. I love em!

Brooke said...

Good for you. That's all I have to say. GOOD FOR YOU!!!

Ida said...

I am so mad because the pictures didn't show up, and I'd LOVE to see those shoes!
I have a pair of size 7 jeans hanging in the back of my closet, too. I look at them and think, maybe someday....But probably not. But I'm keeping them for now(for daughter or grand daughter if nothing else). I never thought I'd be in a size 10 again, either, but I am.

Anonymous said...

Making a hooker happy! So funny - I laughed out loud when I read this. I have a box of these kind of "goal clothes" - they are 28 years old and so far out of style, they'll never be back in. Time to give them to someone who can use them (although I doubt a hooker would ever be interested in my awful fashions!)