Saturday, December 5, 2009

Day 1: Does this mean I'm a failure?

I weighed 154.6 on 2/17/2009. Today I weigh 176.8. That's a gain of 22.2 pounds. I feel like a big, fat failure.

My list of excuses for gaining so much weight is long. The main one is I've been on the road a lot during the last four months. Either work, family emergency or vacation kept me away from home and my routine. I don't do well when I don't follow my routine. Even when I was home for the weekends it took me a day to get back into the groove of things, only to leave on a Monday for another trip. I never got a routine down when I was away. I don't know why, but it just seemed impossible and unimportant.

My hours were long and erratic. I never knew from one day to the next what hours I'd be working or for how long I'd be standing on my feet, and stressed about the endless problems at work. It played havoc on my body and my mind. I feel like I've been depressed for months.

The really sad part is I feel like a complete failure in the weight loss game. It's strange how hard I am on myself. I don't look at other people as failures when they gain weight back, I figure they're just human and that's what happens. We screw things up sometimes. It's just life. I'm not as lenient on myself for a weight gain. Instead I'm highly critical, and consider it a personal failure of the worst kind.

One of my favorite bloggers is going through a personal health crisis. I love this person even though I've never met her in real life. Her enthusiasm is contagious. She recently told me about what she's going through and that she doesn't want to blog publicly anymore because she can't stand being a public failure. That broke my heart. She's just like me. I don't want people to think I'm a failure. I want to be perfect. I want to be a poster child for weight loss. I want to be admired and held up as an example of what can be accomplished. Instead, I'm an example of what NOT to do.

The fact is, I'm not perfect. Far from it in many areas of my life, but especially when it comes to my weight. It's a fight I've been fighting for a very long time and one I'm not ready to give up on. I figure I'll be fighting it to my death.

I know I can lose the weight, again. It frustrates me that I do this to myself. It's damaging to my health and to my mind to gain so much weight. Sometimes I feel like if I don't figure out the real reason for my overeating that I'll never really successful at losing the weight. I have some ideas why I want to eat so much, why I want to be fat, but knowing why doesn't seem to help me conquer my demon.

My goal for the present is to lose the 22.2 pounds. I know what to do, count Points and stay within my allowed Points, and exercise. I've been failing in both areas and that's resulted in a large weight gain.

I'm also going to try my best to post every day. Not mindless posts about where I am on my trips, but posts from my heart. I've noticed my heart hasn't been in the right place lately. The depression shines through most everything I've written lately. I have to pull myself out of this funk and move on with my life.

This is a new day, a new start. No deadlines for me, just one day at a time. I'll also repeat my mantra....I am NOT a failure. I am NOT a failure. Or should I say the positive, I am a successful, worthwhile human being. If only I believe it.


Anonymous said...

Diana, you are SO NOT a failure!!! You never give up and that makes you a success right there. You are in my prayers.


Rettakat said...

I can sooo relate to what you said about being thrown off plan when your routine is disrupted. I would do fine the days my husband was at work, but his days off were chaotic, because he is NOT a routine kind of guy. He prefers to "wing it", which messed up my routines.

I posted on this problem, and people offered great ideas. One was so obvious, it was like "duh" why didn't I think of that?! I ended up making two routines, instead of one that I was trying to make fit every day. One for MY days, and one for when HE would be here.

I don't know if you've tried that already... a Home routine, and a Travel routine.

The value of routines for me is that I don't have to spend energy repeatedly every day, all day, deciding and choosing everything... some things can be put on autopilot, taking off some of the pressure. Perhaps you could map out some kind of routine, skeleton plan, template, to follow when traveling, that is generic enough that it would fit no matter where you are??

Anyway, just the fact that you aren't quitting is significant. I understand about the frustration of re-losing the same weight more than once. But I truly believe that as you learn and do the inner work, you will find answers for yourself and it will turn into permanent change.

~ugly girl with a beautiful heart~ said...

YOU ARE NOT A FAILURE! Gah! We always do this to ourselves don't we? Slip back and then feel like we've done nothing. That our efforts were wasted. Thing is, I can't see myself ever becoming a failure enough to get back to the weight I was once. And I know you're strong enough not to give up too! We're here for ya hon.

Ida said...

Not a failure, just having to back up and re-do. You are so aware of your shortcomings. We all go through a funk occasionally. Mine comes this time of year a lot. Its a seasonal dysfunction. Short, cold days always get me down.

What a Splurge said...

Of course you'll lose the 20 you gained. You've been through a lot lately with a death in the family and helping your sister get through it. You focused on the needs of others when they needed it and now it's time to focus on yourself. I wrote a post recently about how it helps me to look forward when I need inspiration.

Carrieheff said...

You are not a failure! You are also not perfect. I don't think anyone who reads your blog thinks you are. That's what makes your blog so great. You are relatable because you aren't perfect, just like the rest of us.
I have the same "all or nothing" mentality too. If I don't do everything exactly how it "should be" done, I'm a failure in my mind. Look at the year you've had. My God, you've been miserable at work and had a terrible family tragedy. The fact that you've ONLY gained 22 lbs means you are a total success! What would have happened if you weren't on a healthy path? You probably would have gained 50. Celebrate the small successes and be proud for what you've accomplished. We are all proud of you and think you are a strong, beautiful person no matter how much you weigh!!!

spunkysuzi said...

You are not a failure by any means!!
You are a strong and very wonderful woman who never gives up. And one that is willing to share not only the good things that happen but the struggles that all of us go through at one time or another.

Ron said...

We have said it over and over, this is not easy! We all make unhealthy choices and I can't imagine what I would look like if I had to travel like you do, plus you have other family issues you dealt with. I screw up regularly, that's why I can't lose weight. I have not stepped on a scale in weeks. I think I am doing ok, I am judging by the way my clothes fit. I eat very healthy at home, but just like Friday night, i had a full rack of ribs, baked beans, mac and cheese and two peices of corn bread at Hickory River. I could have chosen much better choices! Saturday and today, I will do fine, but I think I am going out for dinner Monday night again .. I need to choose wisely when I eat out! Just keep trying the best you can.... you know you will lose that weight!

karen@fitnessjourney said...

Hi, first visit to your blog. It must be difficult to workout and eat right when traveling. You can't think of yourself as a failure. As someone looking in from the outside, I wonder if you just need to come up with some strategies that will help you when you travel. Bring a refillable water bottle to keep with you and maybe some healthy snacks. Exercise bands are light weight and can be tossed in your suitcase. You can do push-up, planks and tricep dips in the hotel room. Just come up with what works for you. Planning is essential when you are on the road. Most of all, keep a positive attitude. Clearly you have come a long way. You did that-no one did that for you. Best of luck!

theantijared said...

The strongest people are the ones that are hard on themselves. That is a blessing and a curse, but in your case I think it is what makes you strong.

It is always Day 1 for all of us. It is not about how many consecutive days we do this, but how bad we want it.

You want it, enjoy Day 1.

Sandra said...

You are a successful, worthwhile human being - believe it. There is no Failure!

Deb said...

Yeah, what Jared said. "It is always Day 1 for all of us." I love that.

The title of this post is a joke, there's no new me. It's just the same old me, doing the same old stuff. Just for fun, I went back...