Monday, December 21, 2009

Getting a grip

Yesterday's post was a sad one, one of my "woe is me, my life sucks" posts. Dawn was right when she said it sounded like depression. I was depressed and have been for months. Mild depression, not suicidal stuff, just a feeling that all is not right in my world. Some days are darker than others and yesterday was one of the darkest.

This morning I woke up feeling a wee bit better about my life. It's really not quite as bad as I make it sound. It's not perfect by a long shot, but on the other hand, it could be a hell of a lot worse.

Christmas always does this too me, makes me sad for the things and people I don't have in my life. I miss my mother a lot this time of year because she always made the holidays so special for me when I was a kid. My childhood Christmases are the stuff of a Norman Rockwell painting. It was perfect, or at least, that's how I remember it.

This year I started early on the seasonal depression so by the time the Christmas season came around, I was in a pit of despair and self-pity. I credit a lot of my sadness to all the traveling I've done for work during the past four months. It was a strain on me, my health, my diet and exercise routine, as well as on my marriage.

Today I see some light in my life, it's not all darkness. I have a feeling of optimism, like maybe I'll make it through this and everything will turn out okay.

My husband and I are talking, laughing, joking around, almost back to our old life. The hateful and spiteful things we said to each other while in Edmonton are still between us, like a wedge trying to drive us apart. We're trying to get back to what we had and what we know we can have again. Marriage takes work, and neither one of us wants to give up on "us".

Today I'm cleaning the house and then we're putting up the tree this afternoon. I'm actually looking forward to spending time with my husband. Something I haven't felt for several months.

I also have plans to go to the gym, but limit my time there to one hour. The last two days I've gone for two full hours each day. I realize that's utterly ridiculous. No one should spend that much time working out every day unless they're a professional body builder. I just want to be healthy, not spend my life in a gym.

I have a better grip on reality today. I feel more like me. The cloud of doom and gloom seems to have lifted somewhat, and I can actually say I feel a flicker of happiness. I just hope I can hold onto this ray of light.

~Diana
175.4

11 comments:

spunkysuzi said...

Glad to see you're doing a bit better today!!
I have also suffered from depression in the past and i can definitely relate to where you are coming from.

Helen said...

Glad to see your outlook is sunnier today. Keep an eye on that depression because even mild depression can turn much darker. Marriage is the hardest thing I've ever done and if anyone tells you it's not work they're not married - lol! I hope this afternoon is dazzling for you and your hubby.

antgirl said...

Glad you are feeling better, Diana. You are going to be all right. All marriages are fraught with ups and downs. It sure is work. That you believe it is worth it, is the important part.

You've been go, go, go a lot the past few months. That is a strain on you in every way. Maybe cut yourself a little slack.

You will be fine. Happy Solstice and Merry Christmas!

Ida said...

I, too, am glad that you are doing better today.
The key is to keep on keeping on. Just remember. what doesn't kill us makes us strong. :)

bbubblyb said...

I'm so glad you're feeling better Diane. I hope you and hubby have a nice time. I'm sure putting up the tree will make you feel more Christmasy too I know it always helps pick up my mood. As for workouts I do a 2 hour workout 3 times a week that way I get every other day off. Not sure if that would work for you but an idea maybe. Glad the cloud is lifting. I love reading your posts I wish we lived close so we could hang out *smile*. Glad you're here in blogland *hugs*.

Deniz said...

It's so lovely to hear you sounding a little more like the Diana we all love. Especially when you say "Marriage takes work, and neither one of us wants to give up on "us"." All power to you both.

Got the tee-shirt for marriage struggles and am so very happy to have a lovely, loving husband this time around.

You've had an awful year but 2010 is a whole new start. Here's hoping it will be a wonderful one for you.

Hugs.

MizFit said...

glad to see you are a bit perkier BUT be kind to you.
loving.
this season is so challenging and I dont even celebrate christmas!

Carla

Stephanie said...

You should check out my recent post on depression and the holidays! It's so common. It's easy to remember all the things that are missing or wrong in our lives. It's also so dark, and that's hard for light-sensitive people. Are there any holiday rituals you enjoy that you can indulge in?

BODA weight loss

Tony the Pink Panda said...

I like this positive outlook you have. Glad to see you realized that two hours at the gym is overdoing it a little bit.

Dr Monash said...

It's great that things are going better! And you look great!

Graciela said...

I'm glad things are better from the previous day... You definitely need to take some time for yourself, at home, away from work. Especially around the holiday, stress can get really bad. So take it easy... BIG HUGS to you!