Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Case in point. Tomorrow my flight departs Seattle to Oakland at 7:15 a.m. My return flight departs San Jose and I arrive back into Seattle at 7:15 p.m. This makes for a very long day.
Next week it's Miami and Orlando. Sounds fun doesn't it? Think again. Fly into Miami, get a hotel for overnight, visit Miami airport in the morning, fly to Orlando, visit the airport that afternoon and hopefully catch that night's flight back to Seattle. Eleven hours of sitting on an airplane in two days.
Then there's Mexico. My husband isn't thrilled with me traveling to Mexico by myself with all the recent reports of violence. I'll be in the airport most of the time or in the airport hotel where our flight crews stay. I'm sure I'll be safe, but it makes me just a little bit nervous hearing the horror stories on the news.
Good times? I don't really think so. I'm wondering how I'm going to handle eating out and not being able to go to the gym on a regular basis. The whole thing suddenly doesn't sound fun to me anymore. Plus the stress of meeting all these new people. I like people, but really, I like people I know, my friends and my relatives. These people will be total strangers that I'll probably never see again.
I know I shouldn't complain. I have a good job. I should be thrilled to be given this responsibility. Instead, I'm feeling apprehensive and a little scared, on many levels. I guess that old adage of be careful what you wish for really applies here.
Note: I'll miss my weigh in tomorrow night, but plan on going Thursday at noon. So far so good on the food and exercise. If I can just make it through tonight and tomorrow without ruining my week I will be a very happy girl.
Monday, March 30, 2009
When I was running 10-minute miles about two months ago I felt great. I was on top of my game. Then tragedy struck. A knee injury caused by running. It hurt like hell, and I didn't think it would ever heal. Finally, after two months of only doing the elliptical and the cross ramp for my cardio, the pain disappeared about a week ago.
Saturday I tested out my knee by walking at 4 mph and jogging at 5 mph, at two minute intervals for only twenty minutes. I didn't have any pain the next day.
This morning, I pushed myself a little more, by walking two minutes at 4.0 mph and then 18 minutes at 5.0 mph (incline of 1.0). Again, no pain and it almost felt easy. I wasn't even breathing very hard and my heart rate was a constant 134.
Wahoo! I feel like I'm back in the game. I finished up my cardio with 20 minutes on the elliptical and then weights for 40 minutes (including 3 sets of 8 military push ups on the Bosu ball--which pushes my heart rate right up to 138 in about a minute).
I really love running. It makes me feel...well, sexy and cool.
P.S. I can't wait for my weigh in on Wednesday, my new weigh in day. I think it's going to be good! That is, if I don't blow it between now and then (always a possibility with me).
The thing with Tony is that he can annoy the hell out of me at times, and I can totally disagree with what he says. Then he will post something very moving and inspirational, something that really makes me stop and think. With Tony's blog I always feel something. Sometimes it's annoyance, but more often I'm inspired.
Tony had a post a while back about how easy it would be for him to blow off his 5 a.m. workouts. He said he could blow off one, say he was too tired, then two, and the next thing he'd know he wouldn't be working out at all and he'd gain back his weight. He talked about how he refused to let that happen. I can't tell you how many times since I read that post that I woke up exhausted at 4:45 a.m. and thought of Tony and that post. That has got me out of bed on more mornings than I can count.
Tony sneaks into my thoughts all the time. I'll be doing something weight related, working out or eating something, and I'll think of something Tony said in a post. It'll be something positive and something that helps me.
As hard as it is for me to admit this, Tony has helped me, and I'm sure hundreds of others, more than he'll ever know. So Tony, if you're reading this, thank you from the bottom of my heart.
Thursday, March 26, 2009
Current weight: 166.4
Total Lost: 72.8
Pounds to lose to goal: 31.4
I knew it would be bad, but I didn't know it was going to be THAT bad.
Last night's meeting was very different than my normal meeting, it was a smaller group and lower keyed. The person that weighed me was the leader. He was really nice and talked to me for ten minutes about what had happened and how I could get back on track. He also said I was still a superstar with a loss of 72.8 pounds. That made me smile.
After the meeting Phil talked to me again, impressing on me not to give up, that this was just a slight setback. It meant a lot to me that Phil gave me the attention and encouragement that I desperately needed after such a terrible gain.
My plan is very simple. Just do what I did faithfully for the first six months:
1. Track my Points
2. Stay within my daily Point range (20 + 4APs + 5 Flex = 29 Total)
3. Exercise 1 hour a day, 5 or 6 days a week (I've never stopped doing this)
4. Water, lots and lots of water
6. Healthy Eight Eating Guidelines
7. Weigh and measure everything I eat
8. ******* Don't miss a Weight Watcher meeting! *******
This isn't rocket science. It's really pretty basic. Any idiot should be able to do it. Even me.
When I got home last night I told my husband about my 11.6 pound gain, and how I was really mad at myself about it. This is what he said:
1. "You don't look any heavier at all."
2. "You've been lifting heavier weights, maybe it's muscle gain."
3. "It's probably water weight. We've eaten out a lot lately and they use a lot of salt."
4. "Is there anything I can do to help you?"
Honestly, he said that stuff. Bless his heart. I know the truth. I've been eating too much. Plain and simple.
As usual, you can read more about the marriage here.
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
Sometimes I go back to a post I've written and think what the hell was wrong me to write such drivel? Yesterday's post was one of those posts. I'm not sure what that pity party was all about but I'm totally over it. Your kind and supportive comments were greatly appreciated, and you helped me realize that my life really isn't all doom and gloom. Some days are just like that I guess, where the smallest annoyances seem monumental.
Today is a much better day. I've made peace with myself for some poor choices I made during the past year (with my therapist's help yesterday). I really do think things happen for a reason, and I think my poor choices have actually made me stronger. Even my marriage, which I thought would be destroyed by what I had done, seems to be stronger and better because of it. I really don't regret anything that's happened. For me to feel this way is huge. I've been packing around a load of guilt for almost a year.
Now for the task at hand. I want to get serious about losing the rest of this weight. I don't even know how much I weigh, I've been too afraid to face the scale, even at home. My clothes still fit, but the roll around my middle feels bigger. I know I've gained a few pounds and the first step is to get back to Weight Watchers.
According to my booklet, my last official weigh in was 2/17. Five weeks ago. A lot of damage can be done in that amount of time. There's a meeting tonight at 6pm. I'll be there for my weigh in. I need to get back on top of my game. Enough screwing around, blaming my emotions and my relationships for my lackadaisical attitude towards my weight loss.
I'll report the damage tomorrow. I'm sure it'll be ugly, but that's the purpose of this blog. The good, the bad and the ugly. Such is my life.
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
So what happened to my "I'm so happy to be alive" feeling I had yesterday?
- Yesterday afternoon I exchanged some unpleasant emails with a former friend. It left me with a very bad feeling.
- I had an argument with my husband almost the minute I walked in the door last night.
- Dinner wasn't done until 8:30pm (because of #2).
- I went to bed alone at 9 p.m, angry, hurt and feeling sorry for myself.
- I drank two glasses of wine last night and went over my Points, again.
- Woke up late for my workout, and was in a really foul mood.
- I had a lousy workout this morning, struggled to stay at it for an hour. Everything hurt.
- The weather sucks again today, cold, dark clouds, and windy.
- I have my counseling session today, and I'm dreading it. It drains me.
- I can't figure out how to make Microsoft Project do what I want it to do and my go to person is out for the week. Piece of crap software.
- I went to Trader Joe's at lunch to buy candy. Yes, I said it, CANDY! I bought fresh strawberries, Fage Greek 0% yogurt and frozen mango instead. I know this should be a good thing but the fact I even thought about buying junk bothers me. I didn't do it but scary just the same.
So that's it, nothing earth shattering happened. Just a serious of unpleasantness. I want that feeling back that I had yesterday, when life was good. I just don't know how to get there.
Monday, March 23, 2009
I was thinking I had ten more minutes and then I'd be off to the weights to do my upper body strength routine. I love lifting weights, especially for my upper body. I love seeing the muscles in my arms. It gives me a little thrill that I can lift 20-pound dumbells and do military push ups using the Bosu Ball (30 reps today!). That's when it hit me. Life is good. MY life is good. Don't misunderstand me, my life is not perfect. Far from it, but I'm finally feeling like I'm in a good place. I feel like I've been in a dark hole for the last year, living a lie, and hating myself for so many reasons. Now I have so many reasons to be happy, to want to be alive.
The sun was shining when I drove into work this morning. I thought that was very appropriate because I feel like the sun is shining on my soul today.
Sunday, March 22, 2009
This is what I saw when I looked out of our bedroom window Saturday morning. A wild coyote inside our backyard, frantically pacing back and forth along our fence. She couldn't figure out how to get out. In fact, she's still out there and it's Sunday afternoon.
We left the gate open all night and she never left. During the night she dug a huge hole underneath our shed and has apparently moved in. My husband saw her head sticking out of the hole this morning.
We've called animal control, the department of game and the police. They told us there are at least 300 coyotes within a one-mile radius of our house. As long as she wasn't attacking anyone, there wasn't a thing they could (or would) do.
We don't live in a rural area, we live in the suburbs. There's a lot of undeveloped land around here, but it's very populated where we live. Anyway, I'm not sure what we're going to do about this coyote. I hope she comes to her senses and leaves of her own accord. We can't have a wild coyote living in our backyard (or can we?). I read they mate for life. What if her husband is out there waiting for her to come home? He's going to wonder what happened to her.
The weight loss journey
My weight loss saga continues. I'm still not tracking my food like I should be doing. I have good days and not so good days.
Yesterday was a not so good food day. It started out great and was great right up until 6 p.m. We went out to dinner with my family that are visiting from Alaska. Mexican food again, and Fajitas again, but this time, I ate the WHOLE thing. I was starving again. I don't know what that's all about but it has got to stop.
I made it to the gym before we went to dinner so hopefully that counteracted some of the damage. I also found out that half ball thingie I've been talking about is a Bosu Ball. I turn it upside down and do military push ups on it. I'm up to eight, and that just about kills me. Today I'm going to do eight, then try for a second set.
I'm not going to talk about my marital problems on this blog anymore. I've noticed that it's taking over. The name of this blog is Diana's Weight Loss Journey, not Diana's Marriage.
I still want to blog about it, for the same reason I blog about weight loss. It helps me understand it better. Plus, it might help someone else out there going through similar problems. I created a new blog that will be about my marriage and the other parts of my life.
Of course, the weight loss and the marriage are intertwined. A lot of my weight issues are because of problems in my marriage, and a lot of the problems in my marriage are because of my weight. However, I think the people that read this particular blog are more interested in how I lost weight and how I struggle and fight to maintain my weight loss (and lose the last 20 pounds). They're not that interested in my marriage.
If you still want to read about my marriage and my personal life, my other blog is This is my life. I have it in my profile as well as in the blog list to the right. Otherwise, I won't bore you with the details anymore.
Friday, March 20, 2009
The reason I deleted the post was because it was flippant, sarcastic, and made fun of my marital situation. The truth is that a marriage in trouble is nothing to laugh about. It's not funny. It hurts. That's how I handle painful emotional situations, I laugh. Ha ha, my life is so funny. If I was being honest, I'd tell you how much it hurts and how it's not at all funny.
We have an appointment next Thursday for our first session of marriage counseling. My husband insisted on it. Recently he discovered some things about me that I wish he didn't know. They're private things, and things that shame and embarrass me. Even in spite of finding out about my deepest, darkest secrets, he still wants to save our marriage.
In the meantime, we've started reading the book, The Love Dare. It's the book mentioned in the movie Fireproof. We started the book several weeks ago, before he knew my secrets, but for some reason we stopped. Perhaps because I wasn't giving it my all, or perhaps I just didn't care. On Tuesday, after one of our worst arguments of my 22 years of knowing my husband, he insisted on the marriage counseling and working through The Love Dare book with me.
We're only on day five. So far, it was the hardest day for me. It was about being rude in your marriage. The discussion questions at the end of the chapter tore me apart. I ended up crying and saying I just can't do this. I left the bedroom and sat in the living room, crying my heart out. I didn't expect him to come after me.
In the past when I cried he would only get more angry and frustrated with me. Last night he came to me, held me, and told me it was okay. That we'd get through this. He said we had to work through the hard stuff to get to the good stuff. He said he would never give up on me, on us. Honestly, I didn't know he loved me like this. If our situation was reversed, I'm not sure I would be so understanding.
I'm not sure what's going to happen with my marriage, but I feel more positive today than I have in years.
In case you're wondering, these were the questions that we each had to answer and then discuss:
1. How does your spouse feel about the way you act and speak around them?
2. How does your behavior affect your mate's sense of worth and self-esteem?
3. Would your husband or wife say you're a blessing, or that you're condescending and embarrassing?
Then there are the three guidelines for etiquette in a marriage. Just so you know, I have broken all three, consistently, for 20 years.
1. Guard the Golden Rule. Treat your mate the same way you want to be treated.
2. No double standards. Be as considerate to your spouse as you are to strangers and your coworkers.
3. Honor requests. Consider what your husband or wife already asked you to do or not do. If in doubt, then ask.
About my eating and exercise
Yesterday was a horrible eating day for me. I've been feeling like I'm starving, and wanting to eat everything in sight. I'm sure it's my emotional roller coaster that's causing these feelings. I want comfort and love and I think I can find it in food. It's a stupid line of thinking and one I'm trying to stop.
I'm still tracking my Points. Yesterday was a 42 Point day. Yeah, I know, horrible when my goal is 29 total Points a day (20 + 4APs + 5 Weeklies).
I feel a little more in control today. I weighed this morning and I'm down 3.2 pounds from Wednesday. Still up over seven pounds from my lowest weight. It's a struggle.
Exercise is good. I'm putting in an hour a day, six days a week. I'm thinking about cutting back to five days a week. That sounds healthier and more maintainable. Plus I want my weekends to be free. I want to let up on some of my obsessive, compulsive habits. I want to be more normal.
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
I didn't even pack a lunch this morning. I seriously can't remember the last time I didn't bring my lunch or have plans to eat out. I headed to Safeway at lunch to get some fresh fruit, Pacific Curried Red Lentil soup, a crown of broccoli and some turkey.
The guys at Safeway made my day. First the guy in the produce section, helping me pick out the perfect container of strawberries, making small talk about the weather. He was young but sweet and attentive.
Then there was the Safeway guy just walking through the store, asking me if I needed help. I told him I forgot what I was looking for, but I'd remember in a second. He stood there and waited...then I remembered...the soup. As he escorted me to the soup aisle, he commented on my green top and how he couldn't pinch me. When I found my soup he said that was his favorite too.
Then there was the guy stacking the bags of tortillas and the guy helping him, they teased me that darn, she's wearing the green. One of them said, well, we'll catch you on our holiday, Cino de Mayo. Then he winked at me!
I know they're just doing their job and that Safeway pays them to flirt with the ladies so the ladies will shop there and buy more stuff. On the other hand, it was fun. They made me smile and laugh. Plus the sun is out today, plus, I'm going to knock off whatever weight I've gained in no time flat. Nothing like a little guy attention to get a girl motivated again.