Showing posts from June, 2009

It's time to stop the dancing

On February 17, 2009 I was at my lowest weight (in about 10 years) of 154.6. Last Sunday I was 156.0. A gain of 1.4 pounds in the last four months. Basically I've been doing maintenance.

I've been dancing around 155 for months. I've gone up and down a few pounds. In March I was even up to 166.4, but I always settle back to around 155. This is not my goal weight, and it will not become my goal weight (it's 135).

I'm not exactly happy about this maintenance thing. I want to get to goal, I really do, but I don't seem to be willing to make the extra effort that is needed for me to get there.

Some days I wonder if I can even get there from here. Is it possible to lose another 20 pounds? I honestly don't know because I really haven't been trying. Every day I'm a failure at weight loss. The reason is simple. I eat too much. I exercise really hard, five to six times a week, and that's the only reason I'm maintaining.

I'm still doing the Missouri 60…

My Sunday in pictures

Today's weighin:
My starting weight was 239.2, current weight is 156, making a total loss of -83.2.

Here's my Missouri 60 Challenge picture (Tony/anti-jared's challenge). Since I don't have anything nice to say about my picture I won't say anything. It's obvious what I need to work on. I'll post a similar picture in 60 days. Hopefully there'll be an improvement. You can click on the picture for a larger view (if you dare).

I biked to my Weight Watchers meeting at 8:30 a.m. I saw a lot of cool stuff on my way there, but I didn't have time to stop and take pictures. I was flying like a bat out of hell to make it on time, a record 5 miles in 20 minutes (big hills), 203 calories burned one-way (almost the same on the way home). Heart rate high of 159, average 137 (resting pulse is 48).

Here are pictures of what I saw, but these aren't my pictures (from the web).

Lots of these cool yellow butterflies, they were everywhere.

Willow Goldenfinch, which is the…

Farrah and Michael

Michael. I danced to his music. Even my mother bought his Thriller album when she was in her 60's, for herself. She loved pop music.

Farrah. I wanted to be her. I had her hairstyle when I was in college. I never had a body like hers, but it was my goal (still is).

I saw Farrah's documentary about her battle against anal cancer. It was painful to watch. I thought she was brave. I cried for her, for her family, even for Ryan.

I remember Farrah said she wanted just one thing. She wanted to live.

It puts it all in perspective. My battle against obesity versus Farrah's battle against anal cancer. It makes my problem look trivial.

On a lighter note
Yesterday I Googled "how to not feel hungry". I was having another day of ravenous, insatiable hunger. After I read several web sites that said "drink lots of water", I found my favorite answer on

How to not feel hungry?


I fought the binge and the binge won

The truth: I didn't even try to fight the binge. That's how it won.

Yesterday was my first day of counting calories. It was a big freaking disaster. I was perfect up until 9pm, my bewitching hour. I swear if I could somehow go from 9pm to 6am without entering the kitchen, I could get to my goal weight.

At 9pm I had eaten 1550 calories, and was doing great. Since I had burned 600 calories in two hours of exercise yesterday (walking and the gym), I thought 1600-1700 was a good range of calories for me. Then it happened.

I was putting away leftovers in the freezer, when I spotted my most favorite thing. Skinny Cow mint ice cream sandwiches, 140 calories each. I did the math and thought that would only put me up to 1690, I'd still be okay.

After eating one ice cream sandwich, the mindless eating thing happened. I ate the entire package, six ice cream sandwiches for 840 calories. After that I ate two handfuls of pecans for about 400 (?) calories. I don't even know what I was th…

Doing the happy dance over my RMR!

I had my resting metabolic rate (RMR) measured this morning at Swedish Hospital in downtown Seattle. They used a little machine called a MedGem. It somehow figures out your RMR by your breathing, how much oxygen your body absorbs indicates your metabolic rate.

When the test was done, the dietitian looked at my number of 1900 and said, "Wow! That's a great number!" Remember my 29-year old friend, the skinny one that eats all the time? Her RMR is 1700, and that was considered really good.

I was literally doing the happy dance around the room. My metabolism is better than a 29-year old that's training for a marathon. Woohoo!

Factoring in for my sedentary job, here are my base calories to maintain my current weight.

My RMR: 1900 X Lifestyle Factor: 1.2 = Daily Energy Expenditure: 2280 Calories/Day

That number is based on me sitting still all day, no exercise. Considering I usually burn at least 400 to 500 calories (or more) a day in exercise, I probably need to eat a little m…

What the hell is wrong with this woman?

As the woman stood in the dressing room, in front of the three-way mirror, she stared at her reflection. She was wearing low-rise, size 11 blue jeans and a black sleeveless, v-neck top. She looked at the blue jeans, hanging on her body, about ready to fall off.

Her friends were right, she needed new jeans. These looked awful on her, the butt was saggy and hanging down below where it should be. There was loose fabric around her hips and her thighs. From the waist down she resembled a homeless person wearing ill fitting jeans. Her shoes were cute, red high heels, but they didn't detract from the jeans.

She turned and looked at the pile of jeans laying on the chair and the jeans on the hangers. She had six pairs, two size 12 and four size 10. One pair of size 10's were slim-fit. She knew jeans tended to run small so even though most of her clothes were size 10, she hadn't dared try on size 10 jeans. The fear of rejection by a piece of fabric was more than she could bear.

First s…

Being the best I can be

My skinny girlfriend, Cindy, had her metabolism measured last week at Swedish hospital. Her base calories are approximately 1700, with no activity. She's been doing some serious marathon training for the November Seattle marathon for the last three months. She's 5' 2" and weighs 112 pounds (and yes I kind of hate her for that).

This explains why she can eat like a horse and not gain an ounce. Plus the fact she's only 29 and she's all muscle. She's the one with the crane and cherry blossom tattoo running down her side under her arm. It's gorgeous but she has a gorgeous body.

Tomorrow I'm going to get my metabolism measured at Swedish. I have a sinking feeling they're going to tell me my base caloric intake should be 800 or some other horrible deprivation level.

I have a lot going against me, I'm freaking old, almost 54 (I know Ida, that's not old!). I've yo-yo dieted my entire life. I'm pretty sure my metabolism is wrecked. Things i…

He kicked my butt!

I thought I was a fast walker. My friend, the one with the diabetes, royally kicked my fat butt during our walk today. He jogged while I race walked. Now everyone is telling me, "you WALKED with Alejandro! Didn't you know he never walks, but he runs?" Um, no, I didn't know that, he never told me. I said we were walking, not running. So I race walked.

Have you ever race walked three miles in 30 minutes? It's where you're walking so fast that you're almost jogging, but you have to keep one foot on the ground at all times. I read the race walking rules and that's one of them. Arms bent at the elbows.

I know you've seen little old ladies doing this and you've laughed at them because they looked so goofy. I looked goofy, but my heart rate was up around 140 and the sweat was pouring off of me. My friend was barely breathing hard.

This wasn't what I expected. I was suppose to kick his butt, not the other way around. Tomorrow he wants to go on the hi…

Running on empty today

I'm exhausted today. I had a weekend resolution to get eight hours of sleep every night, that lasted all of one night. I got about four hours of sleep last night.

Dinner and a movie with my best friend got me home around 11pm (we talked a lot).

Then I was up at 3:30am checking on a software distribution. Normally not my thing but the regular guy is on vacation. It was software that if it wasn't distributed properly would shut down the airline, so I was a tiny bit worried. Everything went well, except my interuption of sleep. Since I couldn't go back to sleep I just stayed up. So tired.

Great workout this morning, in spite of the lack of sleep. The miracle of caffeine, although I'm sure I'm going to crash and burn this afternoon.

I'm walking at lunch with a guy that use to be on my team. I ran into him and his wife a couple weeks ago (she's the one that didn't recognize me). This guy was diagnosed with diabetes about a year ago. He's only 39 years old a…

Going to the chapel

That's right, I actually went to church this morning, and no it didn't burn down and the roof didn't cave in. It was the first time I had set foot in a church in over a year.

When I was attending church, before my "I'm an atheist" revelation, I had attended one of those mega churches for several months. It had a latte stand and doughnuts for sale in the lobby. People would drink their lattes and eat doughnuts during the sermon (personally, I was a little appalled by this).

The attire was "come as you are" and people actually wore jeans to church. The music was almost hip-hop that sounded like secular music. The words were projected up on the wall, and there weren't any hymnals. It was a "modern" church where the pastor never spoke of hell, not once. Only of the rewards in heaven. I never liked this church. It never felt "right" to me.

My intent this morning was to go to another mega church near my home on the recommendation of a…

The skies are dark but my spirit is bright

Have you ever woke up and heard the birds singing and felt like singing yourself? Perhaps I'm a bit bipolar, but I'm in an incredibly good mood today. I have no explanation for this turn of events in my life, only that I intend to enjoy it while it lasts.

Big Mummy found the Real Women Have Curves clip on YouTube I was talking about. I watched it again this morning and found myself smiling even though I've seen the movie a couple of times and this particular scene several times in TV re-runs. It's something all of us women need to realize (and men too). We are beautiful, regardless of our size or that number on the scale. Neither of those define us. What's in our heart, our mind and our spirit are really what matters.

I went to a Weight Watchers meeting this morning. My best girlfriend emailed me yesterday and said she wanted to start going to "my" meetings with me. I changed to a new location about two months ago (but have only gone three times). I love th…

It is what it is

My post earlier today was depressing. I re-read it this afternoon and cried. I could see the truth in what I said, but I also realized how stupid and pointless it all sounded. There's a saying that's overused at my place of work: it is what it is. It simply means accept the problem, stop complaining about it, and move on. That's what I intend to do about my body image issues.

I loved all of your comments, they were touching, sweet and caring. This blogland is a strange place. People that I don't even know reach out to me, comfort me, console me. Of all the kind comments, Ron's really hit home. Ron, thanks for kicking my big, fat, droopy, old butt (now that's a visual), and yes, I'm still speaking to you. You're right, I need to get over myself and live my life. I'm healthy and in good shape, at least on the inside. What am I whining about?

Putting so much value on personal appearance is a losing battle for a woman my age. It's only going to get wo…

The naked truth

If you're looking for some positive reinforcement, you may want to stop reading now and go somewhere else. Any of the blogs I have in my blog roll on the right are usually incredibly upbeat and positive.

My black mood has been with me all week but yesterday I went to a new level of darkness. I watched a video of myself, made yesterday. I was naked. You don't need to know why I made the video, I could write a book about that, just know I made a naked video of myself and watched it. Rather, I watched a few minutes of it and was so repulsed by what I saw I had to stop or run from the room screaming Phoebe style, "My eyes! My eyes!".

It was, to put it as kindly as I can be, absolutely hideous. I don't see myself as I really look. I must have that disease that's the opposite of Anorexia Nervosa, the disease where my mind sees me much skinnier than I really am. The fat on my belly and thighs is flabby and saggy and just ugly. Even my arms that I work so hard on looke…

Taking a day off

I'm so tired, dead, bone tired. Maybe it was my weekend cleaning frenzy with no down time, maybe it was the fighting and arguing with my husband. Maybe it's the weather, gray and cool, with rain in the forecast. Or maybe I'm just tired of my life in general. Whatever it is, I decided at the last minute to stay home from work today. Not because I'm sick, but because I'm very, very tired.

I worked out this morning and it was another sucky workout. Two days in a row now where I've not been on top of my game at the gym. Where every movement was forced and tortured. I did some new upper body exercises yesterday with 20 and 25-pound dumbbells. My back feels like the muscles were stretched to the maximum. My shoulders and arms ache. I suppose that's good, that I'm building muscle, but it hurts. My butt is really sore too, but I don't know why.

What do I do with my free day? I had breakfast early and then took a two-hour nap. Now what? A movie? A bike ride (b…



That's the voicemail I had on my cell phone yesterday afternoon. One simple, yet painful word. I listened to it three times before I realized it was my husband's voice, which made it even more painful to hear. Although he's never actually called me a bitch, I have no doubt he's probably thought it several times during our almost 21 years of marriage.

After our difficult weekend, we both mumbled "I'm sorry" Sunday night, with a goodnight kiss, but there wasn't any makeup sex or "I'm really sorry I said that, I didn't mean it". I think we're both still hurting from the words we spoke (screamed) at each other, but I never expected him to leave me a voicemail that said "Bitch!".

We had talked earlier in the day about the stupid refrigerator that's broken (I think my cleaning frenzy broke it). No anger was involved, just dealing with a mundane domestic problem, a broken appliance. Who's going to call …


Thank God it's Monday.

That has to go down as one of my worst weekends ever. Cleaning, fighting with my husband, a refrigerator that's still broken, binge eating at midnight two nights in a row (healthy crap, but a binge is a binge), and this morning I'm beat, on so many levels.

I'm planning a get away for us for next weekend. I'm not sure where, but it'll involve a hotel. Our marriage is in trouble and this weekend just proved it. The bickering, the name calling, the arguing over trivial shit. The refrigerator...really? Is that worth screaming at each other?

Worst workout ever this morning. I worked out last night at 5pm, 50 minutes cardio and 45 minutes strength. Really good workout, but I didn't finish until almost 7pm. This morning at 5am I could barely drag my butt out of bed. Less than 12 hours between workouts is a very bad thing. I got to the gym and had zero energy. 10 minutes elliptical, 20 minutes StairMaster and I said to hell with it and c…


If you read my boring cleaning the fridge post yesterday you'll understand why I was more than a little annoyed when I got up this morning to a refrigerator with a temperature of 60 degrees. Are you kidding me?!

This is my reward for finally cleaning. Now we have a $2500 metal box in our kitchen that's nothing more than a little freezer with a cabinet attached to it. I'm so freaking mad right now.

To make matters worse, my husband told me it was because there was too much stuff in the freezer which has probably stopped the airflow to the fridge part. Wtf is a freezer for anyway, isn't it to put frozen stuff in it? I didn't see any instructions that said there was a limitation to the amount of stuff. I thought if it fit, then it was good.

So now I just spent my morning cleaning out the freezer. Goddamnit to hell anyway. Not how I wanted to spend my Sunday. As he watched me put bag after bag of freezer-burned fruit and vegetables, along with two Costco sized bags of shr…

My refrigerator...a.k.a. the toxic waste dump

This post isn't about what you're thinking, it's not about the unhealthy food in my fridge.

Around 2pm today I realized I hadn't eaten anything all day, except drank a pot of coffee. That's when I headed to the fridge in search of food.

We bought a new refrigerator last September. Somehow I had it in my head it was still brand new. Have you ever looked at something every day and just not seen it for what it was? For some reason when I opened up that fridge, I thought, oh my heaven! This is disgusting! Actually, I said something else, but I'm really trying to clean up my language and not sound like a drunken sailor in my blog.

After three hours of cleaning, even using Q-Tips, Kate Gosselin style, I finally had a sparkling refrigerator, half empty because all the spoiled, expired food had been disposed. I won't go into details of what I found in there, but it was incredibly gross (like fuzzy, moldy gross).

It's true I've been preoccupied this past year, o…

The crash...or damn, that was embarrassing!

The bike trail I ride is very hilly, about half of it is uphill and half downhill. Naturally, the downhill is my most favorite part. The uphill makes my heart rate get up to 156, the downhill makes me smile.

I love speed, the faster the better. When I was younger I use to get quite a few speeding tickets. Until I found out radar detectors are legal in Washington. The greatest invention ever. I don't speed recklessly, I only do it if the roads are dry and very little traffic.

But back to the bike crash last night. I came home around 6pm and my husband was asleep. He'd had a week from hell and I knew he was exhausted.

So I went for an evening bike ride alone. The weather was perfect, 72 and sunny. It was my first ride since my bike was tuned up and the old guy at the bike shop gave me a lesson on changing gears out in the parking lot.

This is sad to admit but at 53 I've never really known how to change gears so I always rode in a low gear to get up the hills, then downhill I jus…

The comfort of food

I have a thing for Mexican food. I absolutely love it. I could eat it every day and not get tired of it. Why is it that everything I absolutely love to eat is bad for me? There's no getting around it, Mexican food isn't healthy, at least not the way I like it. Lots of gooey, yummy cheese, delicious spicy ground beef floating in it's own grease. Enchiladas, tacos, chimichangas, fajitas, guacamole and sour cream. Refried beans covered in cheese. Tortilla chips and burn-your-tongue salsa. I love it all.

It's not that I don't like healthy food, I "like" steamed fresh veggies and fresh fruit, fish and chicken, but let's face it, I LOVE the stuff that's bad for me.

Yesterday we had a Mexican potluck at work. We rarely have potlucks, mainly because I work with mostly men, and the few women aren't the type to cook. The times we've tried to have a potluck they were a dismal failure with everyone picking up junk from the deli.

I'm not sure how it h…


There's a theme in weight loss blogland: the harder we struggle, the more difficult our weight loss journey becomes, and the more we fail, the less we post. I'm just as guilty as anyone on this. Lately it's seems harder than normal for me to be in control. I don't know why and even if I did, it wouldn't really matter, it would still be hard.

One of most favorite bloggers, Pamela, disappeared on me for over a week. I read her blog every day so I really missed her. I was thrilled to see she posted last night. Go Pamela!

Now for me, I need to buck up and post every day too, and confess my struggles. Last night was tough for me. I went to bed hungry, starving hungry. I was out of Points for the day but since I weighed in at 158 that morning, and I want to get back to 155 as soon as possible, I refused to eat anything else. I finally fell into a fitful sleep around midnight, tossing and turning.

At 3 a.m. I woke up wide awake and famished. I couldn't go back to sleep. …

The bull

The annual company picnic. Activities will include: a live employee band, obstacle course, water balloon toss, “Little Tykes” area, face painting, horseshoes, mechanicalbull, inflatable play structures, playground, tetherball, softball, pie-eating contests, monster wave slides and more."

After I saw Urban Cowboy in 1980, I really wanted to ride a mechanical bull. I know, very white trash of me, but it looked fun, and okay, a little sexy. Especially when Sissy (Debra Winger) rode the bull as a jealous John Travolta looked on. I lived in Fairbanks, Alaska at the time, my home town. Even though there was a bar on every corner and country music was big, there weren't any mechanical bulls to be found.

I told my husband I'm going to ride the bull at the company picnic on July 12. His response, "well, I hope you don't hurt yourself!". I'm very strong, and although I'm almost 54, my bone density test last year showed my bones to be 110% percent (I still don…

Hanging in there

After 16 months of doing this you would think I'd have it down pat by now. That I wouldn't have to give it a second thought, that my "lifestyle change" was firmly in place and nothing could make me falter. That couldn't be further from the truth.

Every day is a damn hard struggle for me. Some days slightly easier, but those are rare. Most days it's difficult. I think there might be something wrong in my head to make me have such a strong desire for food. Or more likely, it's my screwed up head and what one of my favorite bloggers, Sara, said in her recent post. I have the obesity disease, for which there is no cure. Luckily, each day is a do-over. That's just how I roll I guess, it's one big struggle for me.

I was pretty good yesterday, 19.5 Points until 9pm, then I ate two nectarines and some watermelon (okay, more than some, it was a ton of watermelon). I was down 2.2 pounds this morning, but still a ways to go just to get back to 155 (about 6 pou…

A woman possessed

It was a very bad week, with the topper being a 76-Point day yesterday. I was completely OP all day until about 6pm. I had a healthy breakfast and lunch, then we decided to go to the movies. That's when my day went all to hell.

I popped a bag of Healthy Pop and put it in my giant bag, along with my stainless water bottle filled with ice and diet root beer. I had every intention of being "good".

We saw Star Trek. I totally loved it! I fell in love with the guy playing a young James T. Kirk, Chris Pine, what a sexy hunk. In his TV interviews I thought he was a total miscast. Yet he was perfect for the part, as was everyone cast in parts of characters I'd grown up with in the original Star Trek. Yes, I'm that old folks. I watched Star Trek in the sixties, before it was in reruns.

During the movie I kept thinking about reading on a blog that someone loved Sour Patch Kids candy, and it was non-fat and low in calories. I finally got up to go to the bathroom, and came back…

Letter to my husband

Dear husband,
I understand that you're bored to death with the food around here. I totally get it. Chicken, fish, tons of vegetables and fruit, it does get old after months and months of eating the same thing. Grilled, broiled, baked chicken or fish, steamed, roasted or grilled fresh vegetables. I know...b-o-r-i-n-g to you, but delicious to me because I'm freaking half-starved most of the time.

I wish I had more time to try wonderful new recipes to make healthy food more appealing to you. Unfortunately, as you well know, my job has been consuming me these last few months. If I'm not working at work, I'm working at home. That's just the way it is right now. I don't have a choice. It's a new job, and a very demanding one. I have to do what it takes to be successful at this, finding a different, lower stress job right now isn't an option and not something I even want. Even though I complain about the amount of work, I actually like it a lot more than what I …

It really does taste like a rootbeer float

The Weight Watcher Smoothie mix, 1 can diet root beer and 1/2 cup crushed ice, in the blender for two minutes. Tastes just like a root beer float according to some lady at the Weight Watcher meeting on Sunday. I tried it tonight and she was right. It really does. All for one Point.

It's too bad I discovered this after I started reading Omnivore's Dilemma. Last weekend I declared I was giving up all artificial, non-organic stuff. My husband just shrugged his shoulders, he remembers my vegetarian phase about twelve years ago. It lasted almost two years, but it was too hard and my hair started falling out...I gave up.

I haven't cleaned out all our cabinets yet, so I still have some of the Smoothie packets from several months ago (I don't like them just as a smoothie, they taste weird).

Have you ever read the ingredients on a box of those Smoothie mixes? Check it out:

I don't think those are whole, organic ingredients. I wonder why the "Yellow 5" is in there. Is …

This day sure went to hell

I had great plans for today, stay OP, work out extra hard, be good. You know the drill.

I woke up too late to go to the gym. Something I haven't done in months. I packed my gym bag and decided I'd go after work.

Unfortunately, I forgot I had a dinner date with a girlfriend. I'm not that much of an exercise fanatic that I'd cancel dinner with a good friend. Or am I? Honestly, that thought went through my head, briefly, but it was there.

Then I thought, well, I'll walk at lunch. I had my workout clothes so I was prepared. I was all ready to head out for my walk when a coworker caught me in the parking lot, just returning from vacation with his wife. I met his wife a couple years ago, when I was at my highest weight. Plus she and I have talked on the phone a few times and emailed. I'm really good friends with her husband.

After talking for a few minutes, she said, "I'm sorry, have we met?", I couldn't believe it. I said, "Nance - it's me, Di…

My new passion

I'm in love with biking! I pick up my bike tonight from the shop. It was there over the weekend for an overhaul. I really missed biking over the weekend.

I had a disastrous bike ride last Wednesday, when I still had that catheter in my arm. I had the harebrained idea to take my bike off trail, I mean really off trail. I thought since it was an "all-terrain" bike I could take it down a hillside of blackberry bushes. I crashed big time and my legs were covered in scratches (I had on shorts). The bike went off on it's own down the hill, getting entangled in the bushes. I lost the speedometer I'd attached to the bike and got two flats. The flats didn't appear until I was about three miles from home. The reward was I found the coolest country road that's about three miles from my house.

The weather is awesome here in the Northwest. I have my new bike shorts ready, with the pillow built into the butt. Just what I don't need, a big, fat pillow butt--but I like…