Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Still hanging on...just barely

I'm still in San Francisco. Not a whole lot to say tonight. I'm very tired, frustrated, not exactly happy. More tired than unhappy though, so I guess that's a good thing.

Eating isn't perfect. I'm missing meals then eating too much when I do get to eat. I worked out Monday and Tuesday, but overslept today. Tomorrow I'll go to the hotel gym.

I still want to go home. Maybe tomorrow.

Where are YOU?

In a dark hotel room, somewhere near the San Francisco airport, my cell phone rings at 12:37am. I awake from a sound sleep to answer it.

Me: "Hello?"

Husband: "Hi!"

Me: "Why are you calling me?"

Husband: "I wanted to me make sure you're okay."

Me: "Of course I'm okay. I'm home. I don't understand why you're calling me."

Husband: "You're not home, you're in San Francisco."

Me: "I AM home and I don't know why you're calling me. Just come talk to me. "

Husband: "Diana, you're not home."

Me: "Yes, I'm home! Where are YOU?"

Husband: "You're NOT home."

I try to look around to see where I am. It's pitch black in the room. Then I realize it's not my bed and I'm not home. It dawns on me, I'm still in San Francisco! My husband is home and calling me in San Francisco.

It's very disorienting to wake up and not know where you are, or to think you're in one place and find out you're in another place. It's happened before, but this time I was positive I was at home and was puzzled my husband was calling me.

I want to go home.

Monday, September 28, 2009

The scar

I'm in a hotel in San Francisco, alone. I'm here for work. I am not having fun. Major problems with my project at the airport. Back at it tomorrow for another long day.

I wrote the post below a few weeks ago but never posted it. Tonight, after removing my makeup, and staring at myself in the mirror, I could see the scar is really noticeable. It's because I'm tired and stressed. But when I smile, the scar disappears.

Yesterday's pictures are there now, not sure why they weren't there yesterday. You can see the hooker shoes that I don't own anymore. And yes, I actually wore them a couple of times. Sometimes I'm stupid like that.


The Scar

There's a scar on my lower lip. It's just a little vertical mark that crosses my lower lip line. It's not really noticeable to most people. When I get really tired, it becomes more pronounced.

The scar is a reminder of a very bad time in my life. I was 22 and had fallen in love with a man 16 years older than me. He was a "recovering" alcoholic. I moved from Alaska to Oregon with him for what became the worst three months of my life. I had dropped out of my junior year of college to go live with him. I worked a menial job while he stayed drunk. I didn't have any friends or family in Oregon. I was alone, with my alcoholic boyfriend.

One day he hocked my TV and stereo to get money to buy alcohol. These were things I had brought with me from Alaska. Then he stole a check out of my checkbook and cashed it at a bar, forging my name on it. It was for $50.00, which left me with almost nothing in my checking account. I had to go through my coat pockets to find 35 cents for bus fare so I could go to work. I still didn't leave. I thought I could save him. It was a very dark time in my life.

One night we had an argument and he threw his dinner plate at me. It hit me in the face and cut my lower lip, leaving me with the scar that is still there to this day, some 32 years later. After this happened, I realized I couldn't save him. I realized he was a lost cause, and for my own safety and sanity, I had to get out.

I called my mom and was on a plane back to Alaska the next day. I left everything I owned and didn't even give notice on my job. I didn't even call them to tell them I was leaving, I just left.

I never spoke to my boyfriend again. He came back to Fairbanks but I refused to talk to him. He went to see my mother and said he was leaving Alaska for good. He gave my mother a letter to give to me. I remember it was in a very thick envelope. I never opened it. Instead, I stood at the kitchen sink and burned it.

Why am I telling you about this? Because whenever I look at that scar on my lip, like tonight, I remember that horrible time in my life. I remember being scared and feeling hopeless, but I also remember pulling myself out of that horrible mess I had made of my life.

It's like gaining 100 pounds. I remember feeling scared and hopeless then too. It seemed so insurmountable to lose 100 pounds. I felt trapped. The difference between the alcoholic boyfriend and me gaining the 100 pounds is this time it was me abusing my body. It was me beating myself up, being cruel to myself. I was making a mockery of my life. I would say horrible, cruel things to myself. I would call myself a fat ass, a fat pig, stupid and ugly. All the awful things that a mean alcoholic might say to me.

Just like I wouldn't let my alcoholic boyfriend ruin my life, I decided to not let me ruin my life with my weight. It's strange how when I look at that scar that this is what I think about. I don't really think of him, but I think of the situation, how similar it was to what I did to myself.

It makes me feel a bit sad that I was so cruel to myself, but it also makes me feel strong and invincible now. I'm reminded I'm capable of anything. Surviving an abusive relationship or losing a lot of weight. In a way, they're a lot alike, it's just that in the latter case, the abuser was me.

Who would have thought that a tiny little scar would have so much meaning behind it?

Sunday, September 27, 2009

I give up

I give up on ever wearing these size 7, slim fit jeans. I've had these jeans in my closet since 1997. That was the last time I weighed 124 pounds and had a 27" waist. I remember I was shopping with my mom and when I tried on these jeans, they fit. I looked skinny, really skinny. I was ecstatic to finally fit into a size 7.

I also remember I felt like hell. I was weak and tired and hungry. It was my vegetarian, starvation phase, and eating less than 10 grams of fat a day. When I'd bend over and stand up quickly I'd see stars.

I never wore these jeans. I was only at the 124-pound mark for about three weeks. I proceeded to gain 120 pounds over next two years. These jeans have remained on a hanger in the back of my closet all this time. I pull them out every year or so when I'd start a new diet. They were my goal jeans.

Today I was putting away my summer clothes when I came across these jeans. I've finally accepted it, I will never weigh 124 pounds again. I'm 5' 6 1/2" and 54 years old. It's an old dream, one from when I was 14 years old. It's time to give it up and accept my size 10 body. I can live with that, I can't live with feeling sick just so I can wear size 7.

I'm also giving up on these shoes. What the hell was I thinking? I have a few 3-inch heels, but 4-inch heels are just a little too much for me. Both the skinny jeans and the red 4-inch heels went to Goodwill today. They'll probably make some hooker very happy.

Although I'm giving up on the jeans and the shoes, I'm not giving up on me reaching a healthy weight. I'm almost there, it's within my reach. Maybe it's not a size 7 or even an 8, maybe it's just a loose-fitting size 10.


Saturday, September 26, 2009

The best dinner ever!

I've been following Lia's blog for over a year. She's an amazing young woman. She reminds of someone with an old soul in a young person's body. She's figured out things about life that I'm still trying to figure out.

Lia is attending a Swiss hospitality school. When she wrote about her sprialized zucchini with cashew afredo sauce, I asked her to post the recipe. In the meantime I ordered a spiralizer from, and it came today.

It was so much fun to spiralize the zucchini, and it was really easy to use. I'm a nut for kitchen gadgets and this thing is great.

Tonight I made Lia's recipe for spiralized zucchini with cashew alfredo sauce. It was absolutely the best thing I've ever eaten in my life. Seriously, it was that good. As I was making it I said to my husband you can sure tell she's a chef because there were no amounts in her recipe, so I winged it. It turned out fantastic!

My husband, who never says something is really good unless he really means it, said it was one of the best meals he's ever eaten in his life. I have to agree, it was really good. Thank you so much Lia!

I have no idea of the calorie count in this recipe. I used three tablespoons of the sauce and mixed it in with the zucchini, carrots, some roasted butternut squash and cherry tomatoes, a few shrimp on top and a little shaved parmesan. It's been three hours since I ate and I don't feel hungry.

Good eats for sure!

Cat on a hot tin roof

Not really a hot tin roof, but it is a cat on a roof. That's Mickey Mouse, my cat, on top of our roof. That's where he was when we came home Thursday night. My husband left the ladder up against the roof when he was cleaning out the gutters last weekend. Mickey figured out how to climb up (and thankfully down) the ladder. Really nothing to do with this post, but this post really doesn't have anything to do with much of anything.

I have a very busy weekend to get ready for a business trip to San Francisco on Monday. Today it's Weight Watchers, gym, haircut, mani/pedi, and buy a new suitcase. I'm going to check a bag for this trip. My old bag was destroyed on the last trip. I rarely check a bag but it's a necessity for this trip because of the stuff I have to take with me. This time I'm going to buy the wildest color I can find, definitely not black. If I can find zebra stripe, I'm buying it. I'm tired of looking at a hundred black bags trying to find mine.

I'm still counting calories and it really seems to be working. I've been binge-free since I started with the calorie counting on Monday and writing it in my journal. That's five whole nights of not mindlessly stuffing my face like a maniac. I consider it a victory of sorts, but I know I can't let my guard down for a second. I must remained focused or I could slip and slide right back to where I was a couple weeks ago, or worse yet, nineteen months ago.

It's strange to go back to calorie counting because it's what I did 40 years ago when I started my first diet when I was 14 years old and wanted to lose ten pounds. I was a whopping 135 pounds and wanted to weigh 125 (I was 5' 6" and still am). I was an idiot. I never did lose the ten pounds. I remember getting down to 130 and feeling like I was starving to death. Some things never change.

I hope everyone has a really great weekend, and like Ron says, remember to make healthy choices.


Friday, September 25, 2009

Doin' the Puallup!

We went to the Dave Koz-Brian Culbertson-Peabo Bryson concert last night. It was at the fair. Puyallup is where the fair is held, their slogan is "Doin' the Puallup!". That makes two things I kind of hate, jazz and the fair. At least I thought hated them.

Surprisingly, I was wrong! Turns out I can appreciate good jazz. The crowd was so into the performers and the music that it was contagious. Completely different crowd than P!nk. About half African American and almost everyone was our age or older.

My husband loves jazz so he was in heaven. I'd never heard of Peabo Bryson, but all his songs were top forty songs. He sang If Ever You're in My Arms Again along with some of his other hits. The concert was outside and it was extremely romantic.

Dave and Brian were awesome musicians, and if you close your eyes jazz actually sounds pretty good. So it wasn't torture at all and I had a really good time. Not as good as at my girl P!nk's concert, but still good.

This is what was torture, and where I really wanted to eat, deep fried twinkies and chocolate covered bacon. Yummo!

Or here, the world famous 1/2 pound hamburgers at Earthquake Burgers:

But I was good girl and ate at the Mongolian Wok where I had a super healthy dinner of a ton of grilled fresh veggies and a tiny bit of chicken breast. No oil, it was all steamed. No rice. It was really good. Probably not as good as anything at the "Totally Fried" place, but it was healthy.

I had a scoop of Nitro ice cream for dessert. It was okay, not great. I only got it because I saw a show on the Food Network where they made ice cream with Nitrogen and it looked wonderful (it wasn't). Calories for the day was 1535 (estimated on the fair food, but I think I probably over estimated).

My chef, who gave me a ton of extra vegetables and "cleaned" the grill so there wouldn't be any oil on it and just used water. Now that I look at the picture of the grill it kind of grosses me out. Click on the picture to enlarge it and you'll see what I mean (nasty!).

There were two rides I really wanted to go on but my husband won't do rides with me. Long story but he almost fell out of a roller coaster when he was seven. He won't go near a ride. That's why when we go to Disney World or somewhere like that I take his mom. She'll do every ride with me, nothing too scary for her.

This one had a huge line and looked really scary.

It was a fun afternoon and evening. We walked around a lot after the concert and got home around midnight. Too late for a work night and second time we did something like this in two weeks. Thank goodness it's Friday!


Thursday, September 24, 2009

If I could bottle this up for later

You know the feeling, the feeling that nothing could make you eat something you shouldn't or eat too much or eat late at night. That super-human strength that comes from somewhere, that saves you from yourself.

I've been binge-free for four nights in a row. I think this must be a record. Last night I was hungry around 11pm (late night), but I told myself breakfast was only seven hours away. I could last seven hours without eating. I think I read that tip in Dr. Beck's Diet Solution, or maybe someones blog. It worked.

Writing down my food in a regular journal, adding up the calories is really helping me. Maybe it's because it's different or because I can see all the food I've eaten during the day, written in my handwriting. The calories have been between 1100 and 1500, the Points between 20 and 30. It's really working out to 1 Point equals about 50 calories, every single day.

Whatever it is that's working for me, I wish I could save it for when I'm feeling weak. I'm trying not to over-analyze the situation as I tend to do in all areas of my life, which can ultimately ruin it when I overthink stuff. I'm trying to just let it be what it is...a good feeling.

A big thank you to Miz Fit. I watch these video answers she did a couple days ago. The one about improving an area of your body that you know is going to be difficult really hit home with me. I hate ab work. In fact, I'll do anything to avoid it. Which explains why I hate my abdominal area so much.

After watching MizFit's video, I added ab work to my routine. I've tried before but it's so hard and I hate it so much, I always give up after a day or two. I know it's really important to keep the body in balance. My back is very strong, my abs are very weak. A bad combination and could cause an injury when I lift heavy weights because my abs can't support what my back can lift. I need strong abs to support my back.

For three days I've added ab exercises to my workout. Old fashioned sit ups on a slant board, crunches with an 8-pound weight, with a twist to the side on the up move, the prone bicycle knee to opposite elbow (killer!). A few others I found in magazines and books. My abs have been so sore each morning I can barely roll out of bed.

Thanks MizFit! As usual, you inspired me!

162.4 <----going the right direction!

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Exercise is not optional

At least once a week someone will ask me what motivates me to exercise. They want to know my secret. When I tell them I like how it makes me feel, or I want to live longer and be healthier, keep my weight down, wear cute clothes, they nod in agreement, but I can tell they don't really get it. They still want to know how I do it.

I wish I did have a secret to share with people, that would motivate them to exercise. There just isn't any secret, but there are a few things I can share that might help.

When I weighed 240 pounds it hurt a lot to exercise. I would feel a pain in my chest, my asthma would flare up and I could barely breathe, my feet would ache and hurt, even on the elliptical machine. It was pure and utter torture. In the beginning I would only do cardio for 30 minutes, four days a week. Every day I thought I was going to die. Every day, I wanted to die.

As much as I hated it in the beginning, I knew not exercising wasn't an option for me. I was 53 at the time (19 months ago) and knew the importance of exercise for someone my age. I didn't want to be one of those frail, old ladies that can barely walk. That's not for me.

I kept telling myself that working out was just something I had to do every day, like brushing and flossing my teeth, I have to work my body.

As the weight started coming off, it got a little bit easier, but not a lot. When I had lost forty pounds and added in some weight training I could actually work out for an hour. It still kind of hurt, especially my left foot. I don't know what was wrong with it, but it hurt like the devil. My foot doesn't hurt at all now and my asthma has dissappeared.

When I got down to 180 pounds I hired a personal trainer. This was the thing that really got me hooked on strength training and doing interval cardio. She showed me several stength exercises and how to maintain proper form. She also had me workout on every piece of equipment in the gym. Having a personal trainer was the smartest and best thing I've ever done for myself. I should have done it sooner.

A couple tips on hiring a personal trainer. First of all, don't just walk into your gym and say you want to hire a trainer and slap down $110 an hour for ten sessions. Yes, they really wanted $1,100 from me and that was for the "cheap" trainer. Crazy! I almost did it, but after watching the trainers at my gym standing around with their clients with bored looks on their faces, I thought no way was I going to pay someone to do that.

I was lucky because I got to know my aerobics instructor at the YMCA I was going to at the time (I had two gym memberships for about a year). She was an amazing aerobics teacher. I totally loved her enthusiasm. She had a great personality, was funny and put together really fun workouts with great music. When I found out she also did personal training I hired her immediately. Through the YMCA the sessions were only $30. Ten sessions for $300. The deal of a lifetime.

Search around to find someone you like. Before you hire the person, interview them, watch them on the job, training someone. Do they act like they care or do they act like they'd really rather be somewhere else? I can't imagine anything worse than working out with a trainer that doesn't have a sincere interest in helping you.

I really think exercise is the key to this whole thing of losing weight and keeping it off. Even though my eating hasn't been perfect, and I still have weight to lose, I've been in the same 10-pound range for nine months. Probably the longest I've ever kept off a significant amount of weight.

So if you're struggling with the idea of exercise, all I can say is yes, it's hard, it hurts, it's not fun in the beginning. Actually it was a little piece of hell on earth, but after a few months it gets easier. You just have to do it, it's not optional.

Day -- I don't know anymore & yes, yes, yes!

Yes, I deleted my last two posts. I re-read them and didn't like what I wrote. They never happened.

Yes, I changed my blog design, again. The hot pink/red color made me nauseous .

Yes, going to bed earlier works wonders. I can't make it by 9 p.m., but two of the last three nights I was in bed by 9:30 p.m. I feel so much better.

Yes, I'm counting calories now. I'm writing down every bite. I've done this for three days and it's helping. This is easy because I know the calorie count of almost every food. It's really the same as tracking online, but writing it down is making a difference. I'm not sure why it's working, but I'm not going to analyze it.

Yes, I've been binge-free for three whole nights. Not even any late night snacking. It's a miracle. I feel very much in control of my eating these last few days.

Yes, I'm still working out like a crazy woman. An hour and a half, six days a week. Still in love with Sadie.

Yes, I'm still doing Weight Watchers. Someone asked about the graph on my Saturday post and that's from the online weight tracker. I just love giving them $40 a month, as I've done for the past 19 months. I've missed the last two meetings but I'm going on Saturday.

The best yes...on Monday the scale said 169.8. This morning it was 163.6. YES!


p.s. I read a post within the last few days, the person had taken a seminar on the power of positive thinking. They talked about the S.O.S. plan. I don't remember where I read it, but thank you!

Saturday, September 19, 2009

Day 22: Choices

It is what it is. A gain of 7.6 pounds in two weeks. Weekly average loss since Feb 9, 2008 - 0.9 lbs. per week.

Let me go back over the last two weeks and see what I shouldn't have done (this is just a sample of my bad choices).

1. Beer - 9 Points
2. Skinny Cow Mint ice cream sandwiches, six in one night (crack) - 17 Points
3. Weight Watchers Cookies 'n Cream ice cream bars, six in one night (more crack) - 17.5 Points

Stupidity - priceless.

New day, new week, and all that other crappola I spout all the time.

I read several blog posts the last few days that talked about choices, making the right ones. I made some really bad choices last week. Part one of my plan is to make better ones this week.

Part two of my plan is to go to bed by 9pm. Since my crazy eating happens between 10pm and midnight, what if...I was asleep?! I'm brilliant!


Thursday, September 17, 2009

Day 21: Hold it close to your heart

I'm not sure if it's contagious, and we're all catching it from reading each other's blogs, but something seems amiss. I even caught a bit of it myself.

What is "it"? Our lack of enthusiasm for losing weight. Several of the blogs I read are written by people who have been at this for a long time, the same as me. Actually, it's not that we lack the enthusiasm for losing weight, but we lack the enthusiasm for doing the things we have to do to lose weight.

It's like we're all tired. Tired of the mundane, of the boredom. The measuring, the counting, the tracking. The decisions about what's the best choice, what's the most healthy thing to eat. The worry. The remorse when we screw it up. The self-flagellation when we don't get it right.

I'm right there with you. I'm tired of it all too.

On the other hand, I vividly remember what it was like to weigh 240 pounds. I can flip over to my pictures page and look at myself. I remember the humiliation, the hurt, the physical pain. I remember the asthma attacks which have completely disappeared. And mostly, I remember never wanting to go anywhere or do anything.

That 240-pound woman would have rather died than attend a Pink concert and danced in the aisles. She couldn't have hiked ten minutes up a mountain, much less for three hours with a 25-pound pack on her back. She would never have gone to a football game and talked to strangers and high-fived them when her team made a touchdown.

No, that woman would have sat at home, probably on the couch, and watched TV all weekend. Or maybe read a book. Socializing was not her thing. Then she would have whined about her "boring" life.

All this weight loss stuff is rather boring, the same old thing day after day. Especially when you're past the honeymoon phase. The pounds aren't falling off quickly (if at all), the compliments about how great you look aren't as frequent. Buying new clothes has lost it's charm.

What can keep you going? What's really going to motivate you to continue with this? Is where you are now "good enough"? If you were running a 5k and saw the finish line up ahead, would you just say, hey, I ran 4.5k, and I just don't feel like running the rest of it"? Right, I didn't think so.

We each have to find the one thing that's important to us. The thing that makes us want to continue down this road. It's not exciting stuff that we're doing. It's pretty boring. But life isn't boring. Life is fun and exciting and thrilling. There's so much life to live, to live it overweight is a waste. We miss so much when we're overweight. We hide, we avoid situations, we avoid people. Being overweight is it's own prison.

So even though I intended to write about what motivates me to stay with this, I realized what works for me is probably not going to work for you. We each have to find our own way. Just look inside yourself, find the real reason you're doing this and hold it close to your heart.

Day 20: Eating more, moving less

Guess what? I've proven the theory that eating more and exercising less doesn't work! I said I wasn't Einstein, I wasn't kidding.

I got on the scales this morning, as I do every morning, and I'm up two more pounds. Now I'm 164. Six pounds in almost two weeks. I am NOT calm. I am FREAKED out about this. WTF?

I know exactly what happened. I relaxed a little, eased up on how much I was eating and cut back on my workouts a little. I decreased my gym time from 90 minutes to 60 minutes. Oddly, I've seemed hungrier lately since working out less.

So, the insanity is back. Back to my 90-minute workouts, which I don't really mind. I kind of enjoy them. The hard part is the eating less. I love food, especially in quantity. I need to re-evaluate what I'm eating and how much. I need to journal everything, all day, not just 3/4 of the day. Maybe change things around a little.

I'm back at it! Eating LESS and moving MORE is the correct formula for weight loss. I had it backwards.


My new favorite P!nk song - Glitter in the Air

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Maybe I'm gay?

Well, maybe I'm not but apparently my taste in music is gay. I don't go to a lot of concerts, but the last three in the last couple of years, Cher, Abba Re-Bjorn and now P!NK, all have huge gay followings. Absolutely nothing wrong with that, in fact, makes things interesting.

The P!NK concert was fantastic! I give it an A+++++. The concert was sold out, with over 16,000 people attending. They originally had it at a smaller venue but moved it ten days before the concert because so many people wanted to attend and couldn't get tickets.

P!NK rocked it, and I mean rocked it. I had read a review of her Funhouse tour in Europe and Australia (same tour here), that if you liked her before the concert you'd walk out afterwards loving her. That's what happened to my husband. He was kind of lukewarm about her, even though I loved her. After the concert, he loved her and I loved her even more.

There's just something about her, not only is she a really good singer with an incredible voice, singing great songs and a great performer, but she's funny, nice yet spunky. You just can't help but like her.

The audience was extremely enthusiastic. We stood up for most of it and danced to the music. Everyone was standing up.

The crowd was very interesting. A lot of gay women and gay men. In front of us were two beautiful women, who were making out during the concert, in between songs. They were very attentive to each other and so pretty, it was, well, interesting? Certainly not boring.

Next to me were two women who talked to my husband while I went to get us drinks. The one woman told him that she and her partner heard P!NK was in Seattle and bought tickets that day and flew in from being on vacation.

A lot of gay guys too, some dressed up as girls. One guy cracked me up. I wish I had taken a picture of him. He had a big red beard, and was wearing a short, little plaid dress, a strange hat with a feather in it, knee high plaid socks and really tall platform shoes. Everything was in shades of pink.

The opening act, the Ting Tings, was awesome too. My husband had never heard them before and he even said he really liked them. I have their songs on my iPod for working out. They're alternative rock and really fun. I loved them.

It was a really fun concert. It's a must see.

Monday, September 14, 2009

Could we be any more different?

My choice, 9/15/2009, and he's going with me.

His choice, 9/24/2009, and I have to go with him. I just hope I can stay awake. God help me.

Day 18: Really, it's been 18 days?!

I can't believe it's been 18 days since I made a personal goal to reach 150 by October 31 for the Weight Watchers Lose for Good campaign (food for the needy). Instead of losing weight, I've actually gained weight. I was 162 this morning (up from 158).

I remain calm. I'm not freaked out like the normal Diana gets when she gains a few pounds. Yes, I'm talking about myself in the third person, weird isn't it?

I feel back in control. Counting Points and all that stuff that I know works. I worked out for only one hour this morning. Thirty minutes on the StairMaster and thirty minutes with weights.

I pulled something on the inside of my elbows with the 25-dumbbells I used on Friday. I was forced to use the 25-pounders because some goofball was rubbing his foot on the only set of 20-pound dumbbells. My elbows hurt like heck and doing hammer curls are impossible and bicep curls aren't much better, so I did lower body workout today (my least favorite workout).

Shortening my workout from ninety minutes to sixty minutes felt strange, like I wasn't done yet. It was like I was cheating. I'm sure to people that hate exercising I sound like some kind of freak, but I've been doing this for eighteen months. I enjoy a good workout. Some days I don't, but most days I look forward to it.

The real reason I like working out is how it makes me feel afterwards. I walk taller, stand up straighter, feel stronger, and not just physically but mentally too. I'm not sure cutting back on my workouts is a good idea. I'm going to try it for a few days and if still makes me feel weird, I'm going back to an hour and a half.

18 days down, 45 to go until October 31. Maybe I can still pull this off (without killing myself!).

Gotta love a pop star that speaks her mind. Quoted from P!nk on Twitter:

"My heart goes out to taylor swift. She is a sweet and talented girl and deserved her moment. She should know we all love her.

Kanye west is the biggest piece of shit on earth. Quote me."

I get to see P!nk tomorrow night, live in concert, her kickoff U.S. concert in Seattle, and I'm super excited. Her opening act is the Ting Tings, and I love them too.

I told a guy I work with that I was going to see P!nk and the Ting Tings in concert, and he said, "sounds kinda and the Ting Tings?". Cracked me up because the first time I heard of the Ting Tings was from this guy.

Saturday we went hiking at Crystal Mountain. The same place we went snowshoeing last winter. It's not as pretty as Mt. Rainier, but it was still fun.

I had a 25-pound pack on my back and that just about killed me because it was a freaking 83 degrees. I'm a firm believer in carrying the
10 essentials of hiking, even if it's just a day trip and you're on a well-marked trail. My husband thinks I'm a little nuts about this, but every person that has been lost on a day hike didn't plan on getting lost.

I really don't like hiking in hot weather, and I was a sweaty mess about 15 minutes into the hike, which was practically straight uphill (Crystal is a ski resort). I insisted on a lot of rest stops. How on earth I ever walked around weighing an additional 80 pounds is beyond me.

This was kind of cool because we took a picture in this exact same spot last winter when we were snowshoeing. You can see the little window is way above my head. Then in the snowshoeing picture you can see it's below my head. Just gives you an idea of how much snow was there last winter. March 2009
A view from the woods.
First time I've seen huckleberries. Looking up, this was the hardest part of the hike with the sun beating down on me. The best part was looking down and enjoying a fresh peach. It was the best peach I'd ever eaten in my life. :) Just me, all hot and sweaty. I prefer my mountains with snow!

Red Elderberries

Sunday, September 13, 2009

Day 17: Faking it

Tonight I was going to write about hiking on Saturday (loved it!) or the Seahawks football game today (super loved it!). Who knew I'd love professional football, especially when my team wins 28-0. Woohoo! Of course, the Rams were having a really OFF day. At one point they had 12 men on the playing field, all actually playing! They lost 7 points for that and never recovered. A really fun game (pictures below).

However, instead of my fun weekend, I decided to write about what's really on my mind, even though it will make me look like a big, fat failure to many of you.

Friday and Saturday I made an attempt to be normal, of relaxing the rules a bit for myself. To me, being normal when it comes to food means being someone that eats when they're hungry, doesn't necessarily worry about what they're eating, but tries to eat healthy foods in modest portions. They don't weigh and measure their food. They don't log on to their computer and enter in every bite that enters their mouth into a food tracker. They don't feel like they're starving or deprived. They eat for sustenance, as well as for pleasure. They enjoy eating, but it's not their entire focus in life.

My conclusion after two days of trying to be normal with my food, which resulted in a four-pound gain, is that I will never be "normal" when it comes to food. I have food issues that I will never completely overcome, and I'll have to deal with them the best I can for the rest of my life. I'm not feeling sorry for myself, I'm just stating a fact. Things could certainly be worse, and I could have been dealt a much worse fate in life.

I'm back to counting Points and tracking my food. I have eased up on the workouts a little. Five times a week at the gym for an hour a day. Hiking, biking or some other non-gym activity for one day, and a day of rest. The rest day was suppose to be today but after climbing a million stairs up and down at Qwest field, screaming my head off and jumping up and down at the game, I don't really feel like I had a day off.

I'm not beating myself up too much about this self-discovery. It's really not a new revelation, it's something I've always known about myself. I guess I was hoping maybe I had changed, and maybe normal was within the realm of possibility for me, but it's back to pretending to be normal. Or as MizFit says, "fake it 'til you make it!".

The football game
OMG! I'm totally hooked! I've avoided professional football my entire life. I always thought it was a boy thing. My husband loves it, I hate, or rather, hated it. The game was so much fun. I screamed, yelled, jumped up and down, did the happy dance over and over, high-fived everyone around me, it was the best.

This is true about the noise, my ears are still ringing (and my throat is sore from yelling).

The loudest stadium is Qwest Field.Qwest Field has earned a reputation as one of the loudest stadiums in the NFL. Allen had the architects design the structure of the stadium, especially the partial roofs, to direct as much crowd noise as possible on the field. In addition, the north end zone seating, called the "Hawks Nest", was specifically designed for rowdy fans; the seating consists of metal bleachers which reflect sound, and fans often stomp to create even more. Seahawks fans already had a reputation for being among the most vociferous in the NFL; while they played in the Kingdome, opposing teams often practiced with rock music blaring at full blast to prepare for the often painfully high decibel levels typical of Seahawk games.

Seahawks vs. Rams 9/13/2009
Final Score: 28 - 0

Friday, September 11, 2009

I think you're swell

A really cool person, Graciela, gave me this really cool blog award. The reason this award is so special to me is because it's very original (don't you love that cute little face?), and it's from someone I really respect. Someone that shares my same crazy bad body image problems, that suffers from the same negative self-talk, as well as all the food issues, and has fought hard to overcome these things. Thank you Graciela. I'm honored that you thought of me.

What's really cool about this award is I can give it to anyone or to no one. There's no pressure (whew!). So here's what I'm doing. I'm giving it to everyone that's in my bloglist on the right. Seriously, if you're there then it means I read your blog every day. Or whenever you post and some of you, not to name names, don't post often enough.

If you're there, then that means I think you're swell, and you're special to me. If you're not there, please tell me and I'll add you. I probably just haven't found you on my own yet.

So to all my fellow blog women and blog men, I hereby award you the "I Think You're Swell" award.
Have a great weekend!

Day 15 & 16: What do these have in common? Hiking, Football, and P!nk

Me! They have me in common!

My husband and I are hiking in the mountains tomorrow. I can't wait. It's suppose to be spetacular weather this weekend. I'm super excited to get outside and burn some calories have some fun. I love hiking!

FOOTBALL! The season opening game, Seahawks versus Rams. My girlfriend that has 50-yard line tickets asked me to go with her. My husband is completely jealous. Sunday's forecast is sunshine which means the stadium roof will be open. Woohoo!

P!nk concert. I LOVE her! My husband is going with me even though he's not a super big fan like me, but he likes her. His favorite P!nk song is I'm not Dead (the Dear Mr. President husband was/is a Bush hater). I doubt she'll sing it since it wasn't very popular. I love all her music.

Doing the happy dance because it's the weekend baby!!!

p.s. - taking the weekend off from blogging. Back on Monday.

p.s. again - I saw The Proposal with Sandra Bullock last night with a girlfriend. Best chick flick of the year. I was laughing so hard my cheeks were hurting. The part where she is running around holding up the little white dog for the eagle to grab is hysterical! I loved this movie, it's a must see. It was suppose to have been filmed in Sitka, Alaska, but I could tell it wasn't...looked it up later and filmed in Rockport, MA. Too bad. Sitka is gorgeous.

Thursday, September 10, 2009

Day 14: It's like a weight has been lifted

Angle Lake, WA - about a block from my office.

The view looking up at the sky while lying on the grass.

Roses in the yard of a house on Angle Lake.

Thank you so much for your very supportive and sweet comments. You made my heart sing. You encouraged me and flattered me.You have no idea how much each of your comments mean to me. I really don't think I could do this without you. I love you guys!

Yesterday was a really good day for me. I ate healthy, but not fanatically. I didn't weigh or measure my food, but I ate modest portions. I know what four ounces of chicken looks like, or a cup of sugar-free jello. If it's not exactly 4 ounces or not exactly one cup, I am not going to gain 80 pounds and the world will not end.

My husband told me I looked hot before he left for work. He's not big on giving me compliments, so when he says something like that, it always pleasantly surprises me.

I flipped on the TV as I was getting dressed for work and on the Today Show was Emme, the plus-size model. I love her! I think she's super hot and beautiful and sweet. If I was into girls, well, I'm just saying.

The program was about fat acceptance in our culture. The more concerned our nation is with obesity, the fatter we're getting. Really? We need to accept our bodies, but we need to be healthy too, eat right and exercise. The most amazing thing was that it's been proven that people with a little extra fat on their bodies live longer and have less dementia and Alzheimer's as they age. I knew fatter people were smarter!

I walked at lunch today and it was wonderful. I wore my heart rate monitor, but I rarely looked at it, and I literally stopped to smell the roses. I walked at a park near my work, that's on a lake. I sat down on the grass, underneath the trees, and in the sun. I relaxed. I can't remember the last time I did something like that. Usually I'm so concerned about keeping my heart rate up that I never slow down and just enjoy my surroundings.

I'm going to reset my goal weight. Last night my husband told me I was perfect at the weight I am now. I don't really believe that, but I believe he thinks it's true. My plan is to see where I am on October 31. I'd like to lose at least a few pounds for the Weight Watchers Lose for Good campaign. Then I'll take it from there.

What's really wonderful is I feel like a huge weight has been lifted from my shoulders. I feel like I can breathe again. That manic voice in my head that was telling me "Don't eat that! How many Points in that? Walk faster! What are you doing?!" has finally quieted down. I'm sure she'll pop back in once in a while, but right now she's lost her power over me and it feels great!

Day 12 - Day 13: I'm not Einstein but I know insanity when I see it

158 pounds

What I'm doing just isn't working, same thing over and over, same shitty results.

Sure, I lost 80 pounds, but I can't seem to get this next 23 pounds off of me. It's like it's superglued to my body.

My workouts are insane, I've been doing 50 minutes of cardio a day and 45 minutes of strength, usually six days a week. I've been trying to eat 19 Points a day this week because I screwed up last weekend with two 40-Point days. That's totally insane.

Not only is the 19 Points insane, I've decided for me, it's impossible. I simply cannot live by eating 19 Points a day. I mean, we're talking around 1,000 calories. I burn about 600 calories during my workouts. Besides the fact I can't do it, I don't want to do it.

Have you ever been so hungry when you go to bed, that when you finally go to sleep you have dreams of food? I've actually been waking up in the middle of the night with my mouth moving because I'm dreaming of chewing food.

I need to eat to live, not eat so I can be skinny. Screw skinny. Maybe my husband is right, maybe my 135 goal is too low for me. Just because I thought it was a good weight for me 20 years ago doesn't mean it is now.

As my husband told me last night, I'm in the best physical condition of my life. It's true. My blood pressure is 110/68, my resting heart rate is 48, my total cholesterol is 117. I'm healthy as a horse.

So my thighs aren't stick thin. Were they ever thin? Even at 127 pounds ten years ago I thought my thighs were fat. I'm 5' 6 1/2", and I was wearing size 7 jeans. And I thought my thighs were fat? Maybe it's more about my body image issues than the number on the scale.

I'm rethinking my whole goal weight, and this deprivation path I've been on. I've got to stop it. It's insane, it's making me and everyone around me insane. It's become an obsession and it isn't healthy.

So, in my best Susan Powter imitation, it's time to STOP THE INSANITY!

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

A new blogger - Joe

There's a new blogger on the block. He only has three posts so far, and is doing an amazing job. We all need a little support and encouragement on this journey, so please stop by and say hello to Joe at Shizofilly's World.

Day 11: Back in the game!

My Saturday and Sunday were so far from perfect that it was almost a joke. I tried, kind of, but not really. My heart wasn't into this whole healthy lifestyle thing. I could feel myself yearning for the old days of not caring what I ate or what I looked like or even what I felt like. I just plain didn't care...for two days. Those two days were both 40+ Point days.

Then the TLC documentaries on the super obese were on TV on Sunday night. Wow, that was a dose of reality that I needed. It was like getting hit over the head with a hammer. A hey you, stupid, wake the hell up. You're watching yourself on TV. Everything they were saying, I've felt. The hopelessness, the helplessness, the depression over my weight, the pain, the sadness, and of course, the shame.

Monday morning I woke up with a whole new attitude. It's an "I'm going to win!" attitude. A "this will not defeat me" attitude. I will not fall into old bad habits and my old lifestyle. I'm a vibrant, young, alive, and healthy woman (okay, I'm taking liberties on the young, young for a 54-year old!). I have a good life. I don't want to ruin it with obesity. Been there, done that, and it sucked big time.

Yesterday I changed all my sticky notes to 150 and the date 10-31-09. It was 152 and 10-09-09, but since we have an extra three weeks I changed my weight goal to 150. I know I'm going to make this goal. In my best Scarlett O'Hara voice..."As God is my witness, I will make 150 by October 31, 2009!"

Some people think maybe I'm not eating enough with only 19 Points a day. All I can say is, oh honey, I'm eating more than enough! Take a look at that picture at the top, notice I'm -29.5 Points and it was only day three of my Weight Watcher week! Freak!

I think I may have figured out how to fix that giant Point deficit and pull myself out of the hole this week. I worked out like a crazy woman yesterday. I was on fire at the gym. Thirty minutes stair climber, and I started at level 7 and ended at level 9 on the Speed course. Then 30 minutes on the Crosstrainer. Add in 45 minutes of strength and my heart rate monitor said I burned 595 calories! Weight Watchers only counts it as 7 Activity Points, but that put me only -22.5 Points. If I work out like that every day, I can break even by Friday. I'm going to give it my best shot.

Best part of my workout was that I was able to do 8 reps of concentrated bicep curls using 25-pound dumbbells. I've been doing three sets of 12 with 20-pounds and it was starting to feel easy. So I tried one set with 25 pounds. Extremely hard but I did it! Plus I saw the guys looking at me. I'm sure they're trying to figure out how this old lady is lifting 25-pound dumbbells. Let me tell you, months and months of hard work.

Ida asked me what music I listen to when I work out. It's almost a little embarrassing to post this because I have the music taste of a 13-year old, but this is what's on my iPod this month. I add new tunes every few weeks.

Sept 2009 playlist for working out:

Knock you Down, Keri Helison, Kanye West & Ne-Yo <---warmup song
I Gotta Feeling, Black Eyed Peas
Party in the U.S.A, Miley Cyrus
Fire Burning, Sean Kingston
Down, Jay Sean featuring Lil Wayne
Right Round, Flo Rida
Use Somebody, Kings of Leon
Love Drunk, Boys Like Girls
Good Girls Go Bad, Cobra Starship <---I play this one over and over
If Today Was Your Last Day, Nickleback
Poker Face, Lady GaGa <--- I removed this because I was sick to death of it. Then I missed it so added it back in :)
Low, Flo Rida featuring T-Pain
I'm in Seatle Trick, LMFAO
In the Ayer, Flo Rida <--- old one, from last year I think, but I love to do cardio to it
Sugar, Flo Rida <--- another oldie but goodie. Apparently I'm a huge Flo Rida fan. Who would have guessed?
Come to Me, Diddy <--- old
Last Night, Diddy <---old
Halo, Beyonce
Missing You, Allison Kraus & John Waite <--- good cooldown song

Sunday, September 6, 2009

Day 10: Half-ton mom, Half-ton dad, 650 lb. virgin

Kenneth Brumley, 1,035 pounds
TLC - Half-ton man

It's day 10 of my 'lose 12 pounds in nine weeks' plan.

Yesterday wasn't a perfect day like I had hoped. I made the healthy Eggplant Parmesan with bulgur and pine nuts recipe I linked here a few days ago. YUK! Totally gross. It was a ton of work and tasted awful. I hated the eggplant and normally I love eggplant. I've never eaten bulgur before, and I never will again. Totally yukky. Strangely my husband loved both dishes, and he's not one to say he likes something if he doesn't. I wanted to throw them both in the trash.

After dinner (and I ate very little) I ate tortilla chips. My husband had bought them. I would never bring them in the house. Normally I would just ignore the chips but he found a brand that tastes just like the handmade ones at my favorite Mexican restaurant. I tried them the last time he bought them. I loved them but only ate a couple chips that time. 13 chips are 170 calories and 9 grams of fat. I ate about 100 chips last night. This time I didn't do the math. I didn't want to know.

On top of this I skipped the gym, two days in a row. This is not like me at all. In fact, I had that little feeling of fear. That voice in my head was going, "I told you that you couldn't do this. You're going to fail and gain back all 80 pounds plus more." The other voice tried to comfort me, tell me it was okay, I was still sore from Friday's workout, it was okay to take two days off in a row from the gym. The last time I did that was when I had the flu in April.

After my chip pigout, I watched television (let's see, no exercise, chips, and TV...sounds like the old me). TLC had on three programs, back to back: Half-ton mom, Half-ton dad, and 650-pound virgin. I watched all three.

TLC often has these types of documentaries and they always scare the crap out of me. I always think, that could be me. When I told my husband what I was thinking, that I could easily weigh that much, he looked at me like I'd grown horns and a tail. His words were "No way!". We've had this discussion before and he never believes me. Yet I know in my heart that it really could happen, I really could become one of the super obese and probably even become bedridden.

My husband kept saying he just couldn't understand how anyone could let themselves get to that point of weighing 1,000 pounds. My husband doesn't have the same relationship with food that I have with it.

He doesn't deprive himself, he eats what he wants, he's not freaked out that he's 50 pounds overweight, and from what I've seen, he really doesn't understand the concept of going on a diet. He'll "cut back", but he won't diet where he's hungry and consumed by thoughts of food.

Basically, he doesn't get "it", the whole idea of food as comfort, food as a friend, food that will numb the pain. He thinks of food as sustenance. If he's hungry, he eats. He doesn't understand that I feel hungry most of the time. When I whine that I'm so hungry I could just die, his response is usually, "well, eat something!" or "just don't think about it". Neither is helpful.

Watching those TLC shows did scare me. I understand those people. I understand how easy it would be to slip up day after day, to eat with abandon, and then one day wake up super obese (which is a BMI of 50-60). The one-ton dad said it was so easy to just let himself go, and once he got to where he was (1,035 pounds) it seemed impossible to change.

I don't want to wind up there. I don't want to slip up day after day, and eat with abandon. I don't want to wind up back where I started, NOT THIS TIME.
Plan for today:

1.) Number one priority is to hit the gym when it opens at 8 a.m. 50 minutes of cardio, 40 minutes of upper body strength.

2.) Eat my 19 base Points plus 4 APs for a total of 23. That's going to be hard but I'm going to do my best do stay within that limit

3.) Remember half-ton mom, half-ton dad, and 650-pound virgin. Keep them forefront in my thoughts. I don't want to be them, and I know it could happen if I'm not careful.

Note: Please don't think I think badly of the people I saw in these TLC documentaries. My heart goes out to them. I know it sounds strange and most people probably won't even believe me, but I can totally relate to these people. I know how easy that could happen to me, but I plan on doing everything in my power to not let it happen to me

Half-ton mom, Renee Williams, died of a massive heart attack two weeks after gastric bypass surgery. I was crying at the end of that show. She was only 29 and left behind a 13 year-old daughter. Half-ton dad, Kenneth Brumley (pictured above at his heaviest), had gastric bypass surgery and is at home still losing weight. He's lost 489 pounds lost so far, and weighs 521 pounds. I think he's going to make it. 650-pound virgin, David Smith, had lost over 410 pounds without any weight loss surgery and had skin removal surgery. He's a hottie and is out in the dating world. I doubt he's still a virgin.

Day 9: You think this is hard? You are NOT alone.

I wasn't even going to talk about this, but just in case there's someone else out there that's feeling hopeless about losing weight, that feels like they can't get this figured out, that sometimes it seems like it's just impossible to win at losing...well, you are NOT alone.

After my great loss yesterday, eating healthy all day, purposely staying out of the gym so my muscles and body could recover from several back to back intense workouts, I blew it last night.

I finished off the can of Reddiwip (and yes, it's really spelled like that, without an "h"). It was three cups of yummy goodness, equivalent to 18 Points. That made yesterday a 49-Point day. That leaves me with 4.5 weekly Points and nothing in the bank for Activity Points (so far). It's going to be a very long week.

It all started innocently enough. I was going to have some sugar-free strawberry jello with a couple tablespoons of Reddiwip. The Reddiwip is only 15 calories and 1 gram of fat per two tablespoons. The jello hadn't set up yet.

I should have just gone to bed and gone to sleep. I tried, I really did, but I couldn't stop thinking about the Reddiwip. At least this time I used a measuring cup. Three cups later I felt satisfied, although somewhat annoyed with myself.

My point of this post is that we all slip up and mess up. I seem to more than most, yet I can still lose weight. I know I'm going to make goal in spite of these continual slip ups.

It's really about how we handle these slip ups. Do we beat ourselves up? Do we just give up because it's so hard? Do we cry about our lot in life, that we're saddled with this unhealthy addiction to food? I felt all of that last night. I had the "poor me, this is so unfair, I'm such a screw up" attitude. You know the routine, you've probably done it to yourself a million times.

When I woke up this morning I felt a twinge of regret, but I know that today I will get right back on program, just like I do every time something like this happens. It's going to be a tough week, with a lot of hard work ahead of me, but I will not let this little lapse define my week or define me.

Yes, it's hard, and you're not alone if you feel like it's next to impossible to lose weight. Just remember, in spite of everything, it is possible.

Saturday, September 5, 2009

Day 8 - part two: the official weighin (WOOHOO!)

I lost four pounds this week! My new weight is 158.8. Still a few pounds higher than my lowest, but I'm going in the right direction. I'm so happy!

So what did I do right this week and what did I do wrong?


1.) Journaled every day, even on the days I ate too much (tracking that I ate over 40 Points on two different days was painful!).

2.) Drank a ton of water, at least 64 ounces a day.

3.) Completely cut out the sugar-free ice cream and Weight Watcher snacks. Switched to sugar-free jello with yogurt and fresh fruit.

2.) Six workouts of 45 minutes cardio minimum & 40 minutes strength (three days lower, three days upper).

3.) Lots of fruits and vegetables, very little processed food.

4.) No beef after Sunday (I think I'm allergic to beef). Ate chicken, fish, vegetables.


1.) Ate beef on Sunday, made me feel awful on Monday.

2.) Two late night binges. Controlled binges but they were still binges, approximately 20 additional Points over my allotted 29 Points, each time. Very bad!

What I want to change this week:

1.) Get a better handle on the late night eating. I only did it twice last week, aiming for maximum of once this week. None would be better, but I have to be realistic.

2.) Add two vegetarian meals this week. I'm making this tonight and it looks delicious. I haven't figured out the Points yet but it can't be that bad.

Only 8.8 pounds to 150! That's not my final goal weight but it's the goal for the Weight Watchers Lose for Good compaign. My goal was 152 but they gave us another week, so since I did so good the first week (4 pounds) and I have another week, I changed my goal to 150 by October 31, 2009. I have eight more weeks. That's only 1.1 pounds per week. Total loss for the nine weeks that I want to see is 12.8 pounds. I'm positive I can do this!

Day 8: End of week 1 weighin

I haven't gone to Weight Watchers yet, it's not until 11 a.m. I'm ridiculously nervous. It's like I studied for a big test, goofed off a couple of nights so maybe didn't study as hard as I should have, but have high hopes of pulling off an A. I know it's silly to feel like this, but it's a good nervous. It means I'm taking this seriously, this business of getting to goal. Something I haven't done for months.

I had my best workout of my life yesterday afternoon. I had the day off and goofed off all day until 4 p.m. when I decided I'd better hit the gym.

I have some new tunes on my iPod, my new favorite is Girls Go Bad by Cobra Starship (best workout song ever!)--see video below.

My body was super powerful and strong. Maybe the two bad days of workouts I had last week was letting my body heal and get stronger. I don't know what happened but I just know I loved it. According to my heart rate monitor I burned 611 calories in an hour and a half. A record for me. It's usually around 500. Sadie is my best friend, best cardio machine ever made!

I'm debating about working out before my weigh in. Sort of a last chance workout thing like they do on the biggest loser. After last night's workout that might be too much. I think I'll have a lazy Saturday morning instead. I'll post again after my weigh in.

Friday, September 4, 2009

Day 7: A reason to keep going

December 2007 - 240 pounds

April 2009 - 158 pounds

My before picture horrifies me. It was taken December, 2007. My after/during picture (I'm still not at goal) is from about four months ago, and I'm about that same weight now.

I look at that 240-pound woman and want to cry. She looks so sad. I know the pain she felt, the physical pain and mental anquish of living life at 240 pounds.

Some days I really hate my life. I hate my job, my marriage, my very existence. I try to sound upbeat and cheerful and that life is so grand when I write my blog, but some days, I'm really not feeling it. Some days it just sucks to be me.

My bad day this week was on Tuesday. I argued with my coworkers, including my best work friend. He wouldn't even walk with me at lunch, nor would he talk to me all day. We've since made up, but it was our first "fight" and it hurt. It also included a fight with my husband when I got home and told him about my work day. It was just like everything in my life was wrong. I ended the day with a "controlled" binge, but still a binge.

When I went in to work on Wednesday I had an attitude of "to hell with all of them all". Now keep in mind, I'm the happy-go-lucky girl, never mad at anyone, always apologizing for shit I didn't even know the kind. The fat chick that takes a lot of shit from people because her self-esteem is so incredibly low.

Well, turns out that was the old me. Now I'm a force to be reckoned with. I don't take being mistreated lightly. In fact, if I feel I've been wronged, and I certainly did on Tuesday, I'll stand up for myself. On Wednesday I approached both coworkers, separately, and we discussed what happened on Tuesday. I did NOT apologize. Amazingly, they did and it all worked out.

What's different now is that I don't go apologizing all over the place. I know I'm a worthy person, that I deserve to be treated like one. Treat me badly and I won't put up with it. I won't grovel for your attention or say I'm sorry when you're being the jerk. By losing almost 80 pounds I feel empowered.

There's something about wearing a fatsuit, it was a suit of shame. Like look at me, I suck, I can't even control my eating. Walk all over me because I do it to myself, why shouldn't you too?

That picture of me at 240 pounds is a reason to keep going with losing weight. A bad day then would devastate me, a bad day now is still bad, but I can handle it. I deal with it differently now. I don't want to go back and be that poor, tortured soul. I like me better now. I like life better.

Thursday, September 3, 2009

Day 6: Still here

I'm taking the day off from posting. I realized today I've been a little too much into myself lately and I've fallen behind on reading all my favorite blogs. My goal tonight is to catch up on everyone else. I'll be back soon.

A few pictures from my walk today:

This one made me turn around and go back to my car. I was starting to feel lost when I saw this, and I was by myself.

Day 5: I fell off the horse

After all my "look at me, I'm doing this!", I messed up last night. Actually, it was officially Wednesday morning at 12:30 a.m. (Day 5).

I woke up and was ravenous. My positive attitude suddenly disappeared. After a 20-Point binge (which I calculated this morning), which included Light Redi-Whip straight out of the can, I went back to bed. It was almost like it was a bad dream (more like a nightmare) .

To make matters worse, when I went to the gym this morning I decided after 20 minutes to use my "free pass". This is something I came up with when I started Weight Watchers eighteen months ago.

My free pass works like this: if I really do not want to go workout, for whatever reason, I have a deal with myself. Go to the gym and after five minutes on a piece of cardio equipment if I simply can't stand being there, I give myself permission to leave.

It's a mind game I play with myself (I sound slightly psycho). It really works. I'm just like anyone else and have days when the thought of forcing my body to move is unbearable.

I have never used my "free pass", even though many times on my way to the gym I said I was going to turn around and go home after five minutes. This morning I used my free pass. I lasted 20 minutes and just couldn't do another minute. Between last night's late workout and the binge, my body wasn't up to it.

But all is not lost! I made up for the workout tonight by leaving work early at 3 p.m. and headed to the gym. I did 45 minutes of hard cardio on Sadie and 40 minutes of strength. I also ate very carefully today, and I'm right at 24 Points. My heart rate monitor said I burned 496 calories.

It's okay. I'm not perfect. I mess up sometimes. Sometimes a little, sometimes a lot. The real test is if I recover gracefully. So, as gracefully as I can, I'm climbing back up on that horse and I'll keep going.

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

Day 4: Finding inspiration

I had a really horrible post written in my head for tonight, it was negative and depressing and one of those "woe is me, my life sucks" posts.

Then when I was at the gym tonight (because I couldn't get out of bed this morning), the most amazing thing happened. I got inspired all over again.

I was perched on Sadie, climbing up her stairs, one step at a time, thinking about the agony of it all.

The glass window to my right looked down on a group of young men in their twenties, playing basketball. All of them were very physically fit, most of them were very tall.

There was one guy that was noticeably shorter than the rest, maybe 5' 7", with a thin build. I noticed he moved more than the rest of them. He was all over the floor. Then I saw the tall guys on his team kept passing the ball to him. He was making basket after basket, often from center court.

He was doing this with guys all around him, much taller than him, trying to block him, yet he could throw that ball perfectly into the basket, regardless of where he stood or who was around him. The ball would drop through the hoop and not even touch the netting or the rim. This kid was amazing.

As I was watching him I realized that even though his stature made him an unlikely basketball star, he had obviously practiced making baskets until he could do it perfectly every single time.

I thought this kid and I had a lot in common. Even though I feel like I have it a lot harder than a lot of people when it comes to food and the desire to eat, just like this kid, I have to work harder at being healthy.

I have to practice and hone my skills as a healthy person. It doesn't come naturally to me. Exercise was never my thing. I was a couch potato for many years. Now for the last eighteen months I've been a gym rat, working out six to seven times a week, now for an hour and half each day.

In my past life I was a junk food junkie. Now I couldn't even tell you the last time I ate fast food. My digressions into junk food are pretty rare these days. I remember in the old days I could eat an entire cake in one sitting. Now I don't even remember the last time I had a piece of cake.

Just like the basketball kid, I have to work harder at this. I know my love of food isn't normal. I know most people don't have an unhealthy "relationship" with food. Most people think of food as sustenance, not as comfort.

After watching the basketball star for fifteen minutes, I realized that even though I drew the short stick on my natural ability to eat right and exercise, that I could still train myself to eat right and exercise and do it for the rest of my life. I might have to work harder at it than some people, but I could at least look like someone that was naturally healthy.

That's when I pumped up the speed on Sadie from 5 to 8 and felt the burn (63 steps per minute, not even in the Weight Watcher activity list). Yes, I sure found my inspiration today.

Note: Fourth day in a row of perfect journaling. This from someone that hasn't journaled in months. Today I ate 33.5 Points. Sort of a lot, but I'm earning about seven activity Points a day, so it all works out.