Monday, January 18, 2010

The letter

Tonight I feel incredibly in control of my eating. I feel so in control that I started thinking, I wish I could talk to myself when I get that crazy, out-of-control feeling and want to eat everything in sight. The sane, totally in control Diana talking to the crazy, out-of-control Diana, try to talk some sense into her.

Then I had an idea. I see people write themselves letters to be opened in a year or five years or twenty years. They're letters of their current self talking to their future self. I thought why don't I write a letter to the crazy Diana. The one that can't stop herself from binging.

I wrote the letter and have put it in an envelope, with two of my fat pictures, taped to the refrigerator door. It's to be opened if I start to feel like I'm losing control of my eating.

Here's the letter, from the sane Diana to the crazy Diana:

Dear Diana,

If you're reading this letter, it means you're considering embarking on mindless eating. A binge is about to happen. At least you had the presence of mind to open this letter and read it. That's a step in the right direction.

This is your sane self speaking to your crazy self. You need to listen because this part of you knows what's best for you.

Whatever you're thinking about eating, it wasn't planned and you don't have the Points for it. You need to really think about what you're going to do. Answer these questions before you proceed:

1. Do you really want to do this? Don't answer so quickly. Think about it for a few minutes. Never mind that you may have been thinking about it for hours, seriously and honestly think about it again. Is this REALLY what you want?

2. Remember it will only be a moment of pleasure. As soon as you eat the food you'll want more, and you know you won't be able to stop. You wouldn't be reading this if you thought you could stop. You're reading this because you're feeling a bit insane and out of control.

You need to get a grip on your emotions. Calm down for God's sake and think about what you're about to do. Is it really worth it? Is it worth throwing away all your hard work for a moment of pleasure?

3. If you insist on eating the food that you shouldn't eat, do me a favor first. Prepare a low-Point snack. Make it a protein and a complex carbohydrate.Sit down at the dining table and use a real dish and utensils. Do not read or watch TV. Focus on the snack you're eating. Drink a glass of ice water with it or herbal tea. Pay attention to what you're eating. Put down this letter and go have your snack.

4. If you're reading this then #3 didn't work. That's okay. Stop kicking yourself and beating yourself up about it. It's not the first time and not the last time. Whatever it is that's driving you nuts and you think you can't live without eating it, get one serving of it. Put it on a plate. Calculate the Points. Put them in the tracker first, then go enjoy your the table.

If you still have the crazies, continue reading before you make the ultimate decision to just give up.

Whatever you're thinking at this very moment, put it aside. Let me tell you what I think. Me, the sane part of you. Food is not your friend. It is not love. It will not comfort you. It is not pleasure. It can't make you happy. It is mere sustenance to keep you alive. If you derive pleasure from it, remember it's only a momentary and fleeting pleasure.

Please take a good look the pictures in the envelope with this letter. Remember that 240-pound woman. Remember the physical and mental pain she went through every day. Remember how tough it was to get to where you are now.

I will ask you one more question:  Is whatever you want to eat at this moment really worth taking a chance on going back to being that sad woman in the pictures? The woman with the fake smile, that hurt in her heart and in her body. The one that wore her failure for the entire world to see, and who felt shame at her weakness. The one that hated how she looked and how she felt. The woman that dreaded getting out of bed every day of her life. Who was consumed by her fatness. The one that woke up every morning and thought, I've got to do something about my weight.

No, I didn't think so.

The sane and in control Diana

Click on the pictures for a larger view, if you dare. :)

This picture horrifies me. I don't even recognize this person.

I can't believe I actually thought I was sort of cute in this picture.
Size 20 shorts are never cute.


Deb said...

Really good idea writing yourself a letter. I might have to try that myself.

MizFit said...

I love the letter and yet what leaps out at me is the last picture.
May I say that I LOVE that you were confident happy and you DO LOOK CUTE.

The smile.
The leaning IN and being open with your body language makes me wanna know you and know where you are and what youre up to---you look FUN!

just my gut reaction for what its worth.


Sweety On A Diet said...

What a wonderful idea!

Deniz said...

I love this letter - it really touched me.

I think we must be quite alike - I've just drawn up a reminder of why I lost the weight (so far) and why sabotaging myself is a BAD idea to put on my wardrobe door... with pictures!

Kyle Gershman said...

Very well written letter. I like the progression that you allowed for.

Marisa (Loser for Life) said...

This is a terrific idea!

Helen said...

This is a great idea and I hope it works for you. I think you DO look cute in the last picture. There's something in your face... not that you ever want to be that size again but I think you need to remember that happiness isn't all about being a size 6 either.

Kristina said...

Fabulous post! I love the letter idea! Def going to have to think on doing one myself!

~ugly girl with a beautiful heart~ said...

I think I may have to copy that letter...with a little editing of course (name and weight). Last night I had one of those nights.

Roxie said...

Diana, as if I didn't know it already, but you are brilliant. Good job.

My only thought would be to add some good self-love to your letter. Tell yourself how worth it you really are!

Linda said...

This is such a great idea! Do you mind if I copy this? It's something that could help me too in those times.

I know how you feel about pictures of yourself at your highest weight. I feel the same. It's good to keep those pictures for use like you are doing now. Reference to where you were.
But, you are and were a beautiful woman!

bbubblyb said...

Great letter Diana and great idea. As for the pictures I'm with Mizfit that you look like you're a lot of fun to be around. Having that self love for ourselves at any size is really the tough part. I really think the letter will help with the night eating.

Natalia said...

Such a great idea! And great motivation! :)

Jenny S said...

Wow Diana, your letter is just wonderful!! So well thought out and articulate. And just the best idea ever. Oh Diana, your photos... I loved them and was amazed by them at the same time. Then I spent about an hour reading about the beginning of your journey. I hadn't really seen many photos of you "before", just the ones on the sidebar. I only know the sexy Diana in my head that looks smokin all dressed up in heels. To see you in the two photos you shared was both surprising and inspiring. In truth it caused a few tiny tears. I can't believe how far you have come!! I really struggle with the food part of this whole process, and I think I foil my efforts all too often. Gosh, it's so hard. Your photos are priceless. Do you have any blog posts from the very beginning of your journey? You seemed to talk about your "first blog" or "old blog", but I was reading the "old" one when I read that. LOL I would love to read your very beginning posts... did you blog then? Thank you for sharing your journey on a continual basis.

Sandra said...

What an excellent idea and what a great letter. I think a few of us might be copying this type of letter and write one to ourselves.

lindalou said...

Thanks Diana for posting on my're SO right about those sugary foods I grab and even though they don't have too many calories, they create cravings!!
Even tho I know it, it's great to see it in black and white from a fellow blogger.
Bought some cuties today, they will work out better than the "cow tails". LOL.
LOve you letter idea, hope it works for you. I don't have trouble with nighttime cravings/binges...THANK GOD!

Lisa said...

I think that is a wonderful idea. I would NEVER guess that girl in the pics is you.

spunkysuzi said...

What a fantastic idea, i'm going to write a letter as well!! Thank you :)

Ida said...

The letter is wonderful. Unlike everyone else, I agree with you about the last picture. You look like a nice, fun person, but that weight on anyone is never cute.

Q102Briand said...

I loved your idea of writing yourself a letter, I need to do the same! btw I recently found an old picture of myself that I hardly recognized myself in. I found it at an important time...I was beating myself up over 4 or 5 pounds.
I have come a long way and WE both always need to take credit for how far we have come and where we are headed :-)

Kelly! said...

Diana, i am amazed. this was a fabulous idea! seeing those pictures of you then and now, you can just see how much happier you are. I think this letter will really help you :)

Mary said...

What a great idea and a great letter! I can relate to it so much - think I need to write one too. Thanks for being a great inspiration.