Friday, February 12, 2010

Silence is not always golden

I haven't posted since Monday. That's very unusual for me. I've been posting almost daily for two years.

It wasn't because I didn't have anything to say this past week. I had a lot to say, but all of it was negative, sad, and depressing. I felt like I'd fallen into a pit of despair and self-pity. For some reason I just couldn't bring myself to share it with the world. I've never really suffered from depression for more than a day or two, then I'd always bounce back and all would be well with my world. This time it feels different.

I can't even watch the news without crying. Tonight at the gym I was on the treadmill trying to run, seeing if my knee would hold up (it did). CNN was on the TV in front of me, a special report on Haiti. Just what I didn't need to see. I was literally in tears and had to get off the treadmill and head to a different area of the gym (sans TV).

I'm short-tempered at work lately, which is totally unlike me. The co-worker I work with the closest pointed out to me that I was rude to him in a meeting last week. I didn't even realize it, but I remember he irritated me, and I said something I probably shouldn't have said.

It's been a string of things in the past few weeks that seem to be weighing heavy on me. Nothing specific that I can blame for this darkness in my soul. It's like a shroud of despair is hanging over me. I feel a deep sadness that I've never experienced.

I'm not suicidal but I do wonder about the purpose of life, specifically, the purpose of my life. Do I really matter to anyone?

I'm married but I really believe my husband would be happier with someone else. Someone who shares his same interests, his same beliefs. Somewhere along the way in the past 21 years we have grown apart. Sometimes I fear it's too far apart and we may never be able to fix our marriage.

I'm still hanging steady with my weight at 176. That's depressing me. I feel fat. My size 12 jeans are very snug. My size 10 skirt barely zips, and I can't even wear it in public. My size 10 blazers feel tight across the shoulders. Yet I seem paralyzed to do anything about it. I want to lose weight but I'm barely able to not gain any additional weight.

I guess you can see why I haven't posted all week. Who wants to read this kind of crap? It's not uplifting, it doesn't inspire or encourage. If anything I'm probably pulling you down with me.

Maybe I'll figure this out. Maybe it's just a phase and it'll pass. Maybe I should shut up about it now. Maybe silence IS golden.


Roxie said...

Diana, I think one of the classic signs of depression is hopelessness. Please give some serious thought to talking with a pro about what you are feeling. Sometimes our brain chemistry just malfunctions a bit, making it very hard, if not impossible, to grab whatever bootstraps we can to pull ourselves through.

Just my first thought as I read through your post. I hope today is a better day for you. Hugs to you.

Anonymous said...

I'm sorry you feel so down. Maybe writing it out like you did will help lift that dark cloud that's following you.

spunkysuzi said...

I have to agree with Roxie. See a Dr because if it is depression it can be helped!! I should know every few years depression rears it's ugly head and i have to get treatment. And honestly the difference is like night and day.
Take care of yourself!!

Deb said...

I also think you should see a doctor. Clinical depression is not something you can will yourself out of. And beating yourself up for feeling down will just make you feel worse.

I hope you feel better soon.

Krista said...

I'm going with Roxie as well.

Big hugs to you!! I hope this cloud passes soon :)

Beth said...

I feel for you, I know the place you are at. I'm certainly not happy you are feeling the way you do, but in a strange way, your thoughts give me hope because they make me realize that even "successful" people get really down in the dumps. Yes, I look up to you as an incredibly successful person!

Helen said...

Listen up! You either have some depression or hormonal stuff going on - or both. You definitely need to get with an MD and discuss your options about this stuff. I fought hormones and then my doc finally talked me into trying some of the new bioidentical stuff. We negotiated that I would try them for 6 weeks. Holy moly I feel so much better! Don't allow yourself to be in the dark abyss. Reach out to medicine, spiritual staff - whatever it takes.

Kyle Gershman said...

I'll pinpoint on one subject...your husband. You need to have the conversation with him directly and be willing to act on it. There is no point in maintaining a relationship that doesn't want to maintain you. It is very hard to contemplate, but I think if you continue to structure your feelings around assumptions of your husband's feelings for you, you'll manage to come up with the most disastrous outcomes and start living and treating him accordingly even when he may not share the same.

Secondly, getting fit is a good thing, but having something to do with your fitness is even better. This should also give a bit more hope for your life and all the hard work you are putting in. This has to be about you, for you. Not for anyone else, not for your husband either.

I've been in the EXACT same position...believe aren't alone...and there is a path forward and through.

Carrieheff said...

I agree with Beth. You are an inspiration to so many of us and to know that you have "down times" just shows us that you are human and we are alike. We all got through periods feeling like this.
I don't know that I agree so much with going on drugs. I was on them for a period after I had my daughter and I don't think they are the answer for everyone. Especially since it's only been 2 weeks. I wouldn't rule them out, but I don't know that that would be my first thing to try. I think we all go through periods of feeling down and you are totally normal. Talk to your husband. Try to go out and have some fun. Do something nice for yourself. The smallest thing could pull you out of this funk, but sitting on your butt dwelling will do nothing but make it worse. Get out and have some fun!!!

Kerri & Katie said...

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." -Matthew 11:28-30.

You DO have a purpose! :)

Linda said...

I'm going to side with Helen on this one. Your mood could very well be a hormonal thing. It wouldn't hurt to check that out.
Hang in there. You are very smart and inspiring and have a lot of people in your corner!

Ron said...

Zoloft and the like have done wonders for me in the past!

bbubblyb said...

I'm with the ones above that said go see your doc. I hope you get to feeling better. You are deserving of happiness and this is your blog and it's here to help you get your feelings out so don't ever feel like you can't say what you want here. I hope you get to feeling better soon. *hugs*