Showing posts from March, 2010

Life is like a bike ride - up a very steep hill

Yesterday I went for a bike ride in a nearby neighborhood that I've never been to before. I ended up on an extremely steep street as it wound down to the waterfront. Halfway down the hill I decided to stop and take a video (which didn't turn out).

When I was ready to take off again, I looked at how steep the hill was going down, I decided there was no way I could do it. I had a fear of flipping over head first. I'm use to hills, but this one was a suicide hill. I decided to turn around and head back up the hill. The problem, the hill was just as steep going up it as it was going down.

There were houses on one side and the waterfront on the other side. I kept thinking maybe there were people inside the houses watching me. My pride wouldn't let me push my bike up the hill. I thought I'm strong and powerful, I can do it.

After six failed attempts at getting my bike started back up the hill, after coming close to falling over and crashing to the pavement, I finally re…

A body worth keeping

I've had very few dreams in the last couple of years that I actually remembered when I woke up. Since I started sleeping more I've been remembering my dreams. Some of the dreams are good, some not so good, some borderline nightmares.

Last night was a good dream. I think it stemmed from something I've started doing every morning after I get out of the shower. The idea came from Mary, when she suggested to try and say something nice about our body.

I've been doing the opposite for years. Almost every day I've been saying something or several things bad about my body for as long as I can remember. During the past week, each day I've stood in front of the mirror, naked, and found something positive to focus on.

This little task is not always easy. My natural response is to immediately go for the negative. Hips too wide, thighs too fat, stomach sticks out too much. You know the routine.

Every morning  last week I said something nice to myself about my body. Nice sh…

Please stay tuned

It's not that I can't think about anything to write, I just don't feel like writing. Yet I don't want anyone to think I've quit or given up or stopped blogging. I know it's silly to post about nothing.

Just letting you know I'm still here, still eating right, going to the gym, and my pants are feeling looser these days. I'm reading more blogs too, so that takes up what little free time I have in the evenings before I go to bed and to sleep by 8:30 p.m. every day.

A few pictures from a lunch out yesterday with my team from work. They chose a Japanese steakhouse, not my first choice. Especially because they always pour a ton of oil and add what I think is lard (it looks like yellow Crisco) to whatever they cook on the Hibachi. Even if you ask them not to do it, they still do it anyway. I had the Hibachi Chicken, but I only ate maybe 1/3 of it. I'm sure it was still very high in calories and fat (Points). Oh well, I took one for the team.

I promise I…

Sorry...just can't find my words tonight

Ducks at the Angle Lake, near my office

I guess I'm going through a little something. Not really depression, just taking stock of my life. Trying to figure out if I'm really living my best life. My automatic answer to that question is no.

The food and exercise are going well. No crazy binges, no cravings, just me eating right, tracking my Points. Going to the gym. Boring stuff.

My favorite new dessert, frozen Red Muscat grapes - to die for. One cup is one Point. A green diamond filling food.

Sorry, no big revelations about anything.


Remembering Army Private First Class Erin McLyman - A real war hero

Driving home tonight I noticed the large flag next to the ball field was flying at half mast. The wind was blowing hard and the flag was at 90 degrees from the flag pole, as though it was saluting those passing by. Every time I see a flag at half mast my heart sinks because in Washington state that usually means another fallen soldier.

This young lady, U.S. Army Private First Class Erin McLyman, died in Iraq last week from a mortar attack supporting Iraqi Operation Freedom. A real war. Her story is amazing because she completely turned her life around as a teenager, but her life has had a sad ending.

My heart and prayers go out to her new husband and her family and all the other soldiers fighting for freedom.

Sunday update: It' not really a war

I managed to get to the gym this morning. After three days of bed rest and nursing my cold, it wasn't an easy workout. Thirty minutes on the StairMaster and 40 minutes of upper body strength training. I felt weaker than usual, but I got through it.

While I was on the StairMaster I was thinking about my post from earlier this morning, about it being a war trying to stay on track. I insinuated every day is a battle, but that's not really true. Some days are definitely difficult, some days are easier. Sometimes it feels like there's an internal battle of wills going on in my head, eat this but don't eat that, or don't eat at all.

There are times I just want to stop thinking about food, stop thinking about Points, and just let it be. Unfortunately, that type of thinking is what got me up to my highest weight of 245 pounds.

I believe it's wrong to think of this as a war. I can't live in a constant state of battle, fighting with myelf about doing the "rig…

Lost a battle but not the war

Last night I had a little slip. I went to bed at 8 p.m., exhausted from being awake all day and fighting my cold. I took a dose of NyQuil and fell asleep immediately.

At midnight I was wide awake and ravenous. No matter how hard I fought with myself to go back to sleep, I couldn't do it. I felt hungry and finally after tossing and turning for about thirty minutes, I headed to the kitchen for a snack. Just a little something so I could go back to sleep. It felt like I was sleep walking, but I was aware enough to not go totally crazy.

I decided on an Oroweat Sandwich Thin with Weight Watcher whipped cream cheese. I didn't measure the cream cheese, but it was about three tablespoons. I also had about a cup and a half of fresh strawberries. Total value of four Points, which I added to the tracker under yesterday making it a 33.5 Point day. Ouch.

Certainly not my best day, but I could have done a lot worse. Remember the cup of pecans I had a few weeks ago for 20 Points? Along wit…

The little train that could

I managed to get showered, dressed and drive to my Weight Watchers 11 a.m. meeting today. Even though I still feel stuffed up with a runny nose I wanted to see the results of a week of really trying to stay on plan.

I'm one of the unfortunates that when I'm sick I'm more hungry than when I'm not sick. Instead of my usual, "poor me, I'm sick, eat whatever I want" attitude". . I really worked on re-wiring my head this past week (thanks Roxie!). I decided just because I didn't feel good, it didn't mean I had to eat whatever and whenever I wanted.

I tried to eat mostly filling foods (the green diamond foods) and cut out as much processed food as possible. For example, no Weight Watchers junk cream bars, since it seems it's impossible for me to eat just one of any of their products (more on this later).

I also ate every three hours and really tried to make every snack a "complete" snack of a protein and a carb. The snacks …

Still under the weather

I still have my cold, but it's just a cold. It's not like I'm going to die from it or anything. I did manage to sit upright for a couple hours today. I'm feeling better but not great. Two days in a row not exercising. That seems very strange.

In order to combat my never-ending hunger I made a feeding schedule for myself today (I know, babies and old people). I allowed myself to eat something every three and a half hours. At least I knew I had a snack in my future so it helped me calm down a little about being so hungry. Then I fell asleep at 1pm and slept until 7pm so kind of messed up my schedule.

Since I didn't exercise or barely move yesterday or today I had to keep my Points down to the bare minimum of 21 the last couple days. Which really sucked big time because that's not very much food.

I managed to read a few blogs earlier. I really love Bitch Cakes:Neurotic Glamour Girl's Weight Watchers Experience and Fitness Adventures. I enjoy her writing, esp…

Feed a cold, feed a fever

I've started about five posts today and deleted every single one of them.

I have a cold. My nose is like a faucet that I can't turn off. My throat is sore. My head hurts. My teeth hurt. I feel bad.

I stayed home from work. I've been fighting the desire to overeat all freaking day. So far I'm winning the battle but it's a giant struggle.

I'm trying Roxie's idea of re-wiring my brain. Just because I'm sick and feel icky it doesn't mean I have to reach for food to comfort myself. Just because I can't go to the gym doesn't mean all is lost. Most importantly, I won't die from a little hunger, even if I am sick.

My goal today is different behavior, not the same thing I've done my entire life. Feed a cold, feed a fever.

I wish it was time to go to bed.

Eight hours

I simply can't believe the difference eight hours of sleep a night, every night, is making in my life. Why didn't I do this thirty years ago?

For as long as I can remember I've been a night person, and stayed up as late as possible. Every morning was torture for me as I'd drag myself out of bed, feeling more tired than when I'd gone to bed five, four and sometimes even three hours earlier.

In the last two years I've been a night AND a morning person, going to bed at 11pm or midnight or even 1am and getting up at 4:30-5am to hit the gym, almost every week day. Weekends I'd try to "catch up" on sleep. Just for the record, you can't catch up on sleep. It's something you need on a daily basis.

I've literally been walking around in a sleep-deprived state for years. It's a wonder I've even been able to function. It feels so good not being in a physical and mental fog all the time.

The best side effect of eight hours of sleep is how …

Putting the binge monster to sleep

I haven't had a binge for five nights in a row. The solution, which many of you suggested, was so simple that I can hardly believe it worked.

I've changed a few things, but the one thing I think is the key is I'm in bed and asleep by 8:30 to 9pm every night. I know that sounds insane because it's so early, but it works, and I feel about a hundred times better. I think it's a combination of getting eight hours of sleep that makes me emotionally stronger, and the mere fact that I'm asleep during my peak eating hours.

I thought this wouldn't matter, and I'd just choose some other time of day to stuff my face, but I don't. In fact, it's actually changed how I look at food. I feel like I'm in control of my food, not that my food is in control of me.

A few other changes recently that are helping, in addition to the sleep:

1. Water - I'm back to guzzling the water. Sure, it's inconvenient, more trips to the kitchen at work for water and mo…

Home from the Dash!

I started this post at noon and now it's 6:30pm. Before I finished it I went on a crazy house-cleaning, throw-away-every-piece-of crap-we-own rampage. It's like I was on speed or something (only once in college and never again).

I hate crowds and decided this year I was going to skip the Seattle St. Paddy's Day Dash. Then a friend of mine, a 30-year old marathon runner, had purchased her bib and timing chip for the Dash. At the last minute she decided to go snowboarding instead so she gave me her bib and chip (a $30 value).

I convinced my husband to go with me and we'd walk it because he's not a runner, and since my knee popped out a couple years ago while I was on the treadmill, I gave up running. He agreed to walk with me, and I purchased him a yellow bib (the slowest wave and last to leave from the starting line, we're talking baby strollers and wheelchairs).

After horrendous traffic like you can't imagine (15,200 runners/walkers participated) and impo…

I've reached my breaking point

Yesterday morning I stepped on the scale, 181.6. What the heck am I doing to myself!? I honestly don't understand this self-sabotage. Yes, I'm beating myself up about this because it's about time someone did. I'm angry for letting this happen, and it has to STOP!

I've been down this road so many times in my life, lose a ton of weight and gain it all back. This cycle has been repeated numerous times in the past 40 years. This time I refuse to be defeated. Not again.

The best advice I ever heard on losing weight
About two years ago I was in a Weight Watcher meeting when our leader said something I've never forgotten. He said we get the best results when we make drastic changes. Little changes give us little results. No changes, no results. Big changes, big results.

When I think back to each time I lost weight consistently, I was tough on myself. I weighed and measured my food, I ate within my Points, I tracked everything, followed the healthy eating guidelines. I …

Let's not talk about it until it's over

Turns out I shouldn't post how my day went until the day is completely over. I didn't quite make it through last night without eating four of these (which started a little something):

Each of these things are tiny. I haven't had them in several months. I thought they were one Point each. I think I thought that when I use to eat them all the time (the picture is deceiving!). I ate four, and knew the fiber max would probably make four of them about six Points. Wrong! Each one is two Points and four are TEN Points. Then I had a couple pieces of bread and some leftover shrimp.

I threw the other eight bars into the garbage. I can't have these things in the house!

It wasn't a full-blown binge, but it was definitely quite a bit over my Points allowance. So much for my brownie theory.

Today was a new day and so far (it's 11pm), so good, but I'm not talking about it until tomorrow. At least I have the water down, and the vitamins.

I read an interesting article in …

Baby steps

It's 10:40pm Tuesday, and I've been really good today staying on my "skinnied down" version of Weight Watchers where I'm doing baby steps to get back on track.

I used the little Weight Watchers paper tracker today. I've never used one before, I've always posted my food online. The paper tracker has a space on the cover to write three things you commit to do this week.

This week I commit to:

1. Track Points and stay within Points limit ✔
2. Drink 64 ounces of water a day ✔
3. Vitamins ✔

I'm good on all three so far today. Since I'm going to bed in a few minutes, I think I made it through another Day 1.

I'm a bit puzzled by my lack of desire for sugar. I really have no craving for it, or for that matter, no craving to even binge. This is a polar opposite of how I usually feel after a big sugar binge like last night's brownies. Could it be possible that by indulging in what I consider bad food that it actually satisified some sort of demented…

Fighting the good fight

Thanks for the great advice yesterday. I know I need to get back on track and sooner rather than later. Mary suggested picking just one thing to change, just one thing for one day. One day at a time. I know she's right, yet I didn't do it today.

In fact, I just made No-Pudge brownies (the ones made with yogurt). I'm sure they're no pudge if you eat just one, but I ate half the batch. I have no idea how many calories or Points. Honestly, I don't even want to know right now.

My decision to make the brownies was based on when I binge, I'm binging on things that don't really satisfy my cravings. My rather weak theory is once I've eaten something I wanted, brownies, then I'll feel like my craving has been satisfied.

The hole in my theory is that history has shown once I eat sugar, I want more and the craving becomes even more intense. I'm a sugar addict, just like a crack addict has to have crack, I have to have sugar once I get started.

However, I…

Getting down to some serious business

You may have noticed lately that I haven't talked much about weight loss. No goals, no "I'm going to do this!" and no revelations as to why or how I got to where I am now. Nothing about how I'm struggling or much I want to get to my goal weight or about how much I've gained. Barely a mention of any binge eating.

Just lots of pretty pictures and nothing serious. Light, fluffy, shallow.

Here's the truth and what I really didn't want to talk about, but I need to face reality:

I'm really struggling on a daily basis to barely maintain under 180.
My lowest weight in the past ten years was 154 on February 2009. I maintained pretty close to that weight until September 2009. My size 10's all fit and I worked out almost every day. I still wanted to lose another 20 pounds, but I was comfortable at that weight.

Then life happened. My crazy job had me travel extensively. I used that as an excuse to barely exercise and eat like a the maniac food addict on …

Saturday in pictures

No snowshoeing pictures. By the time I got going it was almost 1 p.m. It's really not worth an hour drive to Mt. Rainier and only have a couple hours there before we have to head home. My fault. I decided to wash my car "quickly" which turned into a two-hour detailing job. I love a clean car.
Instead we drove about ten minutes down to the beach at Dash Point Park in Federal Way. It was a spectacular day, with the high about 60 degrees. There are also some really cool trails in the hills around the beach. It's a gorgeous park that's close to our house. The tide was out so we spent a lot of time walking out to the water, then hiked a couple trails, one was practically up a mountain.
When we arrived I was a little bothered by all the people. I hate crowds.

Once we walked out closer to the water, it was like we were totally alone.

I thought this was so pretty where the tide was out. Sea grass?

Closeup. Isn't it artsy looking?

The killer trail.

A giant holly tree.

The vi…

New blog - Health Foodie - a must read

If you haven't checked out Christina's new blog, Health Foodie, you have to go check it out now. It's totally amazing and a wonderful read. She's pretty amazing too. Read her "about" story, it's very interesting and just too sweet. Her husband leaves comments on her posts which are fun to read. They're a totally cute couple.

Last week
Again, not sure why I haven't posted since Wednesday, other than my week was unusually stressful at work. I had a couple presentations which always stresses me out big time. Add numerous other work problems and it was kind of a bad week at work, which of course, always bleeds over into my night eating problem. Not horrible, but not good either. I was up to 177.0 this morning...ugh!

I got in three good one-hour walks last week during my lunch hours. It's my new rule to get out of the office during lunch, if it's not raining. I can usually find someone to walk with me. Yesterday it was my 6' 2" coworke…

Fake it tll you make it

"Fake it till you make it" (also called "act as if") is a common catchphrase that means to imitate confidence so that as the confidence produces success, it will generate real confidence. The purpose is to avoid getting stuck in a self fulfilling prophecy related to one's fear of not being confident.

A conversation I had today with my mentor at work:

Me:  I don't like this project I'm on, it's boring, and I don't want to do it.

Mentor:  I know what you mean, I've been there many times.

Me:  How do I get through it?

Mentor:  You fake it till you make it.

Me:  Really?

Mentor:  Yes, really, It's all about your attitude. If you walk into your kickoff meeting down about the project, bored, not excited, everyone will see it. Even if you're not feeling good about it, you have to fake it. Fake that you want to do this project, fake that it's a great project. Your enthusiasm will be contagious.

Me:  I don't know if I can do that, pretend I wa…

No fat chicks

You may be too young to have ever seen this bumper sticker. It was popular in the 80's. I remember the first time I saw it. I couldn't believe someone could be so rude and put this on their car. Usually it was seen on a big 4-wheel drive pickup, with these mud flaps.
When I 'd see the "no fat chicks" bumper sticker my first thought was the person driving the vehicle must be a total moron. I knew if I ever met this person I wouldn't like him.

Then I would feel hurt. Hurt because I was a fat chick and some idiot that I didn't even care about didn't like fat chicks. Back then my idea of fat was quite a bit different than it is now. In the 80's I usually weight around 135 to 170. When I'd get up to 170 I thought I was extremely fat. I remember joining Diet Center when I weight 172. At 172 I was mortified I was so fat.

Here's the clincher. I apparently don't like fat chicks either because I constantly berate myself for being fat.

This mornin…