Then I would feel hurt. Hurt because I was a fat chick and some idiot that I didn't even care about didn't like fat chicks. Back then my idea of fat was quite a bit different than it is now. In the 80's I usually weight around 135 to 170. When I'd get up to 170 I thought I was extremely fat. I remember joining Diet Center when I weight 172. At 172 I was mortified I was so fat.
Here's the clincher. I apparently don't like fat chicks either because I constantly berate myself for being fat.
This morning I weighed myself before getting dressed for the gym. I saw an ugly number on the scale. Up five pounds overnight. I was 174.4 yesterday and 179.4 this morning. My Tanita scales are extremely accurate. I didn't eat five pounds of food yesterday, but maybe I ate too much. Maybe too much salt. Maybe too much exercise (2 1/2 hours).
I thought this is such a crazy battle, and I'm sick and tired of fighting my weight. I'm never going to win.
I sat down at my vanity to pull my hair into a ponytail before I headed out for the gym. I looked in the mirror and thought, I'm old and fat and ugly. As soon as I thought this, I realized what a really horrible thing that was to think about myself.
I'm no better than those creepy guys with the "no fat chicks" bumper stickers. Except, I'm worse. I'm saying this to myself, about myself. I definitely have self-esteem issues, but this was a bit more than I normally do. I wouldn't say this to another human being, but I think nothing of saying it to myself.
I sat there and stared in the mirror. It's true I'm getting old, 55 in August. There's no getting around it, I'm not a young chickadee anymore. The cute, young guys don't hit on me like they use to, probably because I'm old enough to be their mom, or in some cases, their grandmom.
I'm definitely overweight, technically I'm obese. Yet as I looked at myself, I noticed the squareness of my shoulders, and the muscles in my neck. When I lifted my arms overhead to pull my hair into the ponytail band, I could see the muscles in my arms. Earlier I had noticed how my calves have very defined, strong muscles and are firm.
Even though I'm pudgy in some areas and I don't weigh what I want to weigh, I kind of like my body these days. It's strong and tough. It's not fragile or weak. Seriously, how many 54-year old women do you know that can do three sets of eight reps per set of bicep curls with 25-pound dumbbells?
So even though I'm not beautiful or skinny or young, I am strong and healthy. Maybe I am a fat chick, and maybe the jerk in the pickup truck that didn't like fat chicks wouldn't like me. I seriously don't care...I like me.
More trees. It's the Pacific Northwest. We have a lot of trees. :) Seen on my walk today at lunch, and the last one is in the Best Buy parking lot in Federal Way, WA.