Sunday, March 21, 2010

Sunday update: It' not really a war

I managed to get to the gym this morning. After three days of bed rest and nursing my cold, it wasn't an easy workout. Thirty minutes on the StairMaster and 40 minutes of upper body strength training. I felt weaker than usual, but I got through it.

While I was on the StairMaster I was thinking about my post from earlier this morning, about it being a war trying to stay on track. I insinuated every day is a battle, but that's not really true. Some days are definitely difficult, some days are easier. Sometimes it feels like there's an internal battle of wills going on in my head, eat this but don't eat that, or don't eat at all.

There are times I just want to stop thinking about food, stop thinking about Points, and just let it be. Unfortunately, that type of thinking is what got me up to my highest weight of 245 pounds.

I believe it's wrong to think of this as a war. I can't live in a constant state of battle, fighting with myelf about doing the "right" thing when it comes to food. Constantly condemning myself for making the wrong choice serves no real purpose except to lower my already low self-esteem.

My ultimate goal is to make peace with food. To eat when hungry, to not overeat for comfort. Basically I want to eat to live, not live to eat. I don't want to constantly have the fight going on in my head about food.

I don't want to live in a battleground about food on a daily basis. That's not sustainable for the long run, and I'm in this for the long run. Whether I'll ever reach that goal of making peace with how I deal with food is yet to be seen, but it's something I'm striving towards.

8 comments:

Weighting Around said...

I agree with you completely about the battle, except perhaps the battle isn't with food or even exercise - the battle is with yourself. Hopefully we will continue out healthy eating habits even after we reach our goal.

Ida said...

I think we all are wanting to get to the point that we eat the right food without having to think about it all the time. But that is a long, long road with a lot of twists and turns and some uphills and some downhills. In the end, well, in the end we will make it.

Katie said...

I know exactly how you feel - sometimes, I get so sick and tired of the constant energy I devote to thinking about what I'm eating, how much to exercise, and fighting to eat right.

You're right, I think - it's not good to think of this as a war. It definitely feels like one sometimes, though!

Two Fat Girls Take Umbrage said...

It feels like a war to me. Every single day I struggle with some facet of this life change, whether it is eating right, exercising and trying not to loathe myself. I know I need to change the tapes in my head and this is the biggest change I have ever had to make. I appreciate your honesty and want you to know there are others in the "club" that feel your pain and struggles, because we are having them too. Jo

Helen said...

I feel you on just wanting to let food be. I definitely go through periods of time where I am SO SICK of thinking about food and calories and grams of this or that and should I partake or have I already eaten too much. When I'm in one of those phases it's a huge raging war no doubt. So, I completely understand. *hugs*

Carrieheff said...

Have you tried planning all your meals and snacks ahead of time? For a while there I was planning about 2 days ahead and it took the decisions away for that day. I ate what I planned and that was it. It didn't feel as emotional when I had a menu to follow that was pre planned.

Debbie said...

I to know how you feel, I would like to just be able to eat with out thinking about it. You have done great though..

M Pax said...

Is there some little tweak you can make to make it easier on yourelf?

I did some major head rewiring. With that said, I still have days when I don't 'feel like it'. Or get a little extra hungry.