Sunday, May 2, 2010

It happened last night

After writing my post last night about how I was going to get all serious about getting to goal, I went nuts. That's the only way I can explain it.

I haven't had a binge in weeks, since I quit eating sugar about six weeks ago. It felt like a miracle, and then last night happened.

Yesterday my husband and I had an argument. It's an old battle and there are never any winners in this one. We both walk away wounded and hurt and nothing is ever resolved. It has to do with his crazy family.

Later we both said we were sorry, but as usual, the hurt words still hung between us. After these arguments it takes a while to heal and get back to normal. He went to bed early, I stayed up and watched a really bad movie, Couples Retreat. Stupid movie, don't waste your time on it. Especially don't watch it after fighting with your spouse.

That's when I lost control. I had frozen my Muscatel grapes earlier and had a cookie sheet full of them in the freezer, frozen to perfection. These grapes are incredible, sweet and crunchy when frozen, and are a wonderful treat (beats those horrible Weight Watcher ice cream of my former binge foods). These grapes are expensive, $3.99 a pound, but totally worth it. I buy three pounds every week, freeze them, put them in baggies, one Point per cup.

Last night I ate seven cups of frozen grapes, eight Points. It made for a 30-Point day (I get 20 daily Points, but always use my 35 and I had 7 Activity Points for the day). I realize this isn't horrible, and I've done a lot worse in the past. Many times I'd eat an entire box of Weight Watcher ice cream bars in a couple hours (18.5 Points), along with a lot of other things. I would also stop counting the Points in the past because I just figured the day was ruined and I didn't want to know how bad I had messed up. Last night I tracked everything I ate,.

My issue is that I felt totally out of control. I was watching the movie and eating the grapes. I went through cup after cup of grapes and barely tasted them. My tongue was practically frozen by the time I was done. I even contemplated opening up a bottle of wine, something I haven't done in several months. I felt like numbing the pain, but decided it wouldn't be worth it.

In my Weight Watchers' meeting yesterday our leader said there's a reason we're carrying around this extra weight. We wouldn't be doing it if it wasn't filling a need. We have to figure out why we're doing it and then get past it.

I have an idea of why I want to keep this last thirty pounds on my body. It is serving a purpose. It's totally stupid and I know it's stupid, yet I keep doing it. It's a really personal reason, and one I'm not quite ready to share on this blog (because it's embarrassing!). Maybe later this week I'll post about it, if I get the courage (you'll probably think I'm an idiot, but I suppose that's nothing new).

Have a great Sunday, and I will be back tomorrow! (item #5 for getting to goal, post here every day)


Jetta... said...

Diana - I totally understand! I can't seem to get rid of my last 20 pounds and it seems like I feel out of control too. I am local - live in maple valley and I started seeing a counselor. Her name is Gina Guddat. Check her out at - she is in the Northgate area as well as out in Maple Valley. Anyway - we are working on figuring out why I can't let go of this last 20. She is amazing. When you see her website - you will see what I mean!
At any rate - I am so incredibly impressed by you. I may not comment often - but I am ready all the time. YOU LOOK HOT girl! Way to go!


Kyle Gershman said...

You are right, too much of a good thing, isn't necessarily a good thing...while it is great that you had a grape binge and nothing else, I completely identify that it was the same old "feelings" that were triggered... I do still have to say that it is awesome that your binge was the grapes and not something else.

I think there are just some levels of emotional energy that are just too high to be comforted by anything is totally reasonable what happened. What were you going to do late at night, go for a run!?!

I'm sorry that this happened, but I imagine it really is just a blip in the overall journey.

Carrieheff said...

Your "binge" was actually a good thing. If you were able to satisfy yourself with grapes of all things, I'd call it a success. Great job in not giving up and not tracking anymore. Boy, have I had days like that.

I too think I know why I carry around the weight. I have it all figured out and rationalized in my head. However, I have no idea how to get past all my old ideas about myself and change. I have no idea how to figure that out. If you do, please share it. You don't necessarily have to share the reasons behind keeping the weight on, but if you can figure out how to get past your feelings and habits related to those habits I'm sure you could help a lot of us out.

Lindsay said...

I am new to your blog and you look awesome! You have done such a great job documenting everything! Congrats on your weight loss :)

Ida said...

Why is ti that so many of us have such trouble losing the last 20-30 pounds? Good job just eating the grapes and tracking you points. It was bad enough, but could have been worse.

~ugly girl with a beautiful heart~ said...

The last 30? Good lord, I'd die to be where you're at right now. Buck up girly.

Karen@WaistingTime said...

"My issue is that I felt totally out of control." I am the same way... it is not just that I am overeating or binging, it is that I am out of control. Success for me is not just meeting my goal weight, it is feeling a healthy relationship with food. Not there yet. Sigh.

bbubblyb said...

I'm with Kyle on this one sometimes nothing else will do to sooth us and at least it was grapes. You are doing terrific and I always look at today is a new day.