Tuesday, June 29, 2010

The Gorge at George - Lilith Fair this weekend

My company gave away some tickets to the Lilith Fair for this weekend at the Gorge, WA amphitheater. I've only been there once before, about 15 years ago to see Carly Simon (free tickets from my company then too).

It's a super fun place for a concert. It's going to be 79 degrees, and I'm so excited. I really had no idea what the Lilith Fair was all about, just that Sheryl Crow was going to be there, and I love her.

I won the tickets, and told my husband we were going to see Sheryl Crow, Sarah McLaughlin, Colbie Caillat and several other female artists.

When my girlfriend at work asked me who was going with me, I said Jack of course. She giggled, and asked me if I knew what the Lilith Fair was all about. I told her of course, it a lot of female musicians singing at the Gorge. She said yes, but mostly women attended, mostly lesbians. That doesn't bother me, they're just women.

I was pretty sure this wouldn't bother my husband either, but I asked him about it last night. He said he could care less if it was mostly women, straight or not. What was the big deal and why did I think he'd care? He just wanted to see Sheryl Crow, because, well, you know, she's a really good singer (translation...yes she sings great but she's also hot).

It's a three-hour drive from our house, and we're staying in nearby Ephrata, WA overnight. It should be fun , and I'll have tons of pictures to post when I get home. Now I can't wait for the weekend!

Then in a another ten days I'll be Alaska bound to visit family! Things are looking up!

Plus, I have vacation starting July 15. Woohoo!

Monday, June 28, 2010

Hello and goodbye Portland, Oregon

I was in Portland today, all day. Well, not actually Portland the city, more like Portland our offices near the airport. I was working with another developer to help get her to speed on a project I'm working on. Super sweet lady, with a EE Masters (Electrical Engineering). In other words, much smarter than me, and really nice.

It's always sort of awkward trying to teach someone something when I know they're light years more intelligent than me. It all worked out, and I have no doubt she'll quickly figure it out.

This really messed up my day since I didn't have time to get the gym this morning. I had to catch an early flight and working out before the flight wasn't possible. I was so drained afterwards that going to the gym wasn't really an option either.

I also didn't take a lunch and only had a twenty minute break, which meant I couldn't leave the office. I bought a tuna fish sandwich out of the lunchroom vending machine. It had an expiration date of today. It was disgusting with dried up tuna salad . I'd rather starve than eat it so it went right into the trash.

My coworker had some whole grain Goldfish graham crackers that she shared with me (delicious, taste like little cookies), which had 8 grams of sugar per serving. Along with a V-8 juice, that was my lunch. Not the healthiest thing I've ever eaten but it was better than nothing.

I'm just glad today is over and back to my regular schedule tomorrow. The whole airport experience and traveling, even a short distance, just exhausts me. Early to bed and tomorrow the gym and healthy eating.

Sunday, June 27, 2010

Yummy breakfast

I don't post for an entire week, then I post twice in one day. I may even post three times today because I want to do Kyle's Two Thumbs Up post today, or maybe tonight. I love his idea.

About my breakfast, this was absolutely delicious and low point. Since I ate at 11 a.m. I considered it sort of a brunch meal. It's 5.5 Points for a huge serving of yumminess.

Open-faced breakfast sandwich

1 egg
4 thin slices of Canadian bacon (only 1 Point - Costco brand), chopped
1 yellow bell pepper, chopped
1 cup red bell pepper, chopped
1/2 cup onion, chopped
3- 4 cups fresh spinach
2 wedges of light Laughing Cow cheese
Hot sauce, to taste
1 Sandwich Thin (I use Franz, more fiber, less calories, less weird ingredients and they taste better than Oroweat thins)

Spray a little Pam in a skillet, add veggies (except spinach) and Canadian bacon. I added a little water so it wouldn't burn. Cook until the veggies are soft. Add the spinach and maybe a little more water, cover with lid. Steam for a few more minutes until spinach is soft, then mix all ingredients.

You should have some liquid in the pan from the water you added and the spinach. Add the Laughing Cow cheese and a dash of hot sauce (I used Frank's hot sauce, used about 1 teaspoon). Mash the cheese and thoroughly mix in. I use a rubber spatula to squish the cheese. Let it cook until nice and bubbly.

Once the sauce has thickened (it only took a couple minutes) pour over an open faced sandwich thin. Cook the egg in the skillet. I just did an over easy egg with some Pam. Place the egg on top of your open faced sandwich. Enjoy.

This was super delicious, with lots of veggies, and it made a huge serving. You get a lot of protein, 24 grams, so it really has staying power. I love my protein.

I know the light Laughing Cow Cheese and the sandwich thins probably weren't in my grandmother's cupboards, so I consider it a little cheat to my "try to eat clean foods" policy. Totally worth it!

Mookie, where are you?

I wrote this at 4 a.m. today, but then I fell asleep sitting up and finally went to bed without hitting publish.

It's almost 4 a.m and I've been up since 1 a.m., after all of two hours of sleep. Yes sir, still sleeping the sleep of the damned, waking up in the middle of the night unable to fall back to sleep.

To add a little drama to my morning I thought our new, ten-week old kitten, Mookie, had escaped. I had the back slider door open for a split second, and I wasn't paying attention. Sometimes I forget we have a tiny kitten that has to be watched like a hawk or she tries to escape. She's so little and curious about everything.

One second she was playing and he next second she disappeared. I was horrified to think she got out when I had the door open, and she was out walking the streets. After searching for 20 minutes, inside and outside the house, I decided to wake my husband to help me hunt for her. By this time I was in tears. I just knew we'd never see her again.

We looked for her for about an hour, searching our yard with flashlights, and walked up and down the street shining the flashlights under every bush and into every yard.. I was crying and saying it was all my fault, devastated I'd killed our Mookie by subjecting her to the horrors of the night , raccoons, coyotes, and dogs just waiting to attack a tiny, defenseless kitten.

Finally, at 3 a.m. we both came back inside the house. I sat down on the couch and said I couldn't believe this had happened. My husband kept questioning me if I'd search everywhere in the house, and I said "of course!".

Then I noticed some movement under the dining table, on one of the chairs. It was Mookie! She'd never even left the house and was asleep the entire time I was calling her name. Going up and down our street like an idiot, calling "Mookie, Mookie! Here kittty kitty."

I've never been so happy so see a tiny bundle of fur in my life. Thank God she's okay. I mean literally, thank you God. I think this means I have to go to church this week. :)

A little about my week..

Women's support group
After giving a speech at Toastmasters last week where I divulged some personal things about myself, a therapist in the group insisted I join her Summer 2010 over 40 women's support group. I sort of blew her off and said I'd think about it. Then she emailed me and called me. She talked me into attending just one meeting to see if I liked it.

I had no idea what to expect but I loved it. It's just some women, so far only three others and the therapist, and we sit around and talk about stuff. The therapist has us do self-evaluations and then we discuss what we write about ourselves.

One question she asked was to rate our self, the value we would place on our self, on a scale of one to ten, with ten being perfect. I rated myself a seven. When asked why I rated myself so low, I said I rate myself how I thought other people would rate me, then I had to explain who I thought would rate me so low. It was a real eye opener that I place so much value on what others think of me. I need to get over caring so much about what other people.

It's only seven meetings, on Monday nights for an hour and a half. At the next meeting there will be four more women attending, for a group of seven plus our therapist. I'm actually looking forward to the meeting (although I do have some homework). I felt an odd connection to everyone at the first meeting, which was totally unexpected.

The food, the exercise, and "why aren't I losing more weight?"
I'm not gaining weight, so that's a good thing. I'm just maintaining around 162. I'd really like to lose 23 additional pounds. I'm just not wanting it bad enough to starve myself to get there. I also don't want to exercise any harder or more often than I do now.

I work out about an hour and twenty minutes, five to six times a week, at a pretty high intensity. That's enough, any more would be insanity. Been there, done that, and I'm not doing it again.

I eat very healthy foods, but I'm eating too much. I'm still completely avoiding sugar and eating as little processed food as possible. I'm trying to follow the rule that if it wasn't in my grandmother's cupboards, then I shouldn't eat it.

I've decided not to beat myself up about not getting to my goal weight. Even if I maintain my current weight for a while, that will be okay. All my clothes fit, and I feel healthy. That's really all that's important. I'm still planning on getting to goal, but I guess I'll take my own sweet time getting there.

Monday, June 21, 2010

Happy Monday?

It's not really a happy Monday. I'm not even sure there is such a thing as a happy Monday, maybe if I was on vacation, then it would be a happy Monday (vacation next month, and I can hardly wait!).

I just checked my work calendar for today and I have five meetings scheduled back to back, starting at 9 a.m. It makes me want to cry. Actually, it makes me want to get back under the covers and pretend I didn't look at my calendar for today. Maybe I could pretend it's really Sunday.

I'm getting ready to head out to the gym. No bike ride this morning because although it's 5 a.m. and today is the longest day of the year, the sky is barely light. Even without checking the weather forecast I know that means a heavy cloud cover. Okay, I just checked weather.com and yes, it shows black clouds and 51 degrees as the current temperature, with a high of 63 degrees today. Seriously, 63 degrees? It's the first day of summer. What the heck?

I'm not getting on the scale this morning (I weigh every day, in case your wondering). I overate last night. Not a binge, just too much good food at dinner. I made an awesome spaghetti sauce with ground turkey, onions, Portabella mushrooms, lots of garlic, and some Cabernet Sauvignon wine. I also ate about two pounds of the best Bing cherries of the season. Okay, maybe it did qualify as sort of a binge. However, I ate in front of my husband, and ate slowly and consciously, so in my book, that isn't really a binge.

I've also discovered I love a glass (or two) of Cabernet Sauvignon wine (Barefoot, it's cheap and delicious) which is what led to my stuffing my face last night. Since I put the spaghetti sauce over spaghetti squash it probably wasn't too bad, but I ate without weighing or measuring anything, and I didn't count Points.

I had two really good workouts Saturday and Sunday, but sans bike. Stupid rain kept me off my bike.

Today I'm back on the straight and narrow. Counting Points, drinking water instead of wine, eating regular portions instead of construction-worker sized meals. Happy Monday? Not so much. :)

Saturday, June 19, 2010

Biking with bunnies is the perfect workout

I removed the BP oil spill widget from my blog. I'm still sadden by the whole thing, but it was taking forever to load my blog page. The combination of the video widget and my own pictures was too much. If you still want to look at it, here's the link to the widget. Today BP is dumping 15 gallons a second into the gulf, and that's by moderate estimates.
I finally found my perfect workout last week. In a perfect world I'd do it every day. Unfortunately, it doesn't feel quite so perfect when it rains, and it's raining a lot lately.

Three times last week I biked to the gym in the early morning, did a strength training routine for 50 minutes, then biked home. The round-trip on the bike takes about 40 minutes. Total burned calories according to my heart rate monitor was almost 600 calories.

The best part of the workout is the bike ride, but since I love lifting weights, I don't mind the gym visit. I take great delight in walking past all the boring cardio equipment and getting right into my weight routine.

Unfortunately, today isn't bike riding weather. It's only 52 degrees at 12:30 p.m. and the skies are dark, with rain in the forecast. I'll have to get my cardio workout on an elliptical or some other boring piece of equipment.

My weight is still the same. I just can't seem to lose anything. To be really honest, I'm not trying that hard. I wanted to make 150 by my 55th birthday on August 7, but it's probably not going to happen. Maybe I can make 155. That's the maximum healthy weight for my height, 5' 6, according to Weight Watchers. I know that's really too high so I'm still debating on a healthy weight for me.

A few pictures from the week:

I saw at least 15 - 20 bunnies every day, but capturing a picture is a tricky task. They are fast!

Scotch Broom, a noxious weed in King County, Washington. Even though it's a weed and it's everywhere, it's really pretty. Lots of people are allergic to it, but fortunately, it doesn't bother me.

The trail at about 6 a.m. Dark and gloomy looking, but really pretty.

Wild roses

Me, freezing to death. It was about 50 degrees, but the wind was blowing. The next day I wore gloves with fingers on them. It was so dark because of the cloud cover that the flash went off.

Sunday, June 13, 2010

Do the stuff that makes you happy

Recent studies have proven that the older we get, the happier we become. This article came out in the New York Times a few weeks ago, but it's just one of many similar articles.

There are a lot of theories on why older people are happier, but the one that makes the most sense to me is because older people have figured out what makes them happy. Instead of doing the stuff they don't like, they do the things they enjoy.

Therefore, I'm done with bootcamp class. I paid for a month, but it was deeply discounted to $39. I only went twice, and I hated every minute of it. I liked the group class atmosphere. I hated everything else about it. Especially the frantic pace and the exercises. I hated the music, and most of all I hated how I almost couldn't walk for two days after the class. I don't think it's good for a person to exercise so hard that they can barely get out of a chair.

I'm 54. I don't want to waste time doing things I hate. I don't exactly love to exercise, but I don't hate it. I enjoy weight lifting, and never dread doing it. Cardio really isn't my thing, but I know it's a necessary evil and I do it six days a week. Great music helps a lot, as well as variety. I try to do a different machine every day at the gym. Or better yet, a bike ride or a brisk walk outside, both are preferred activities over the gym.

Yesterday was a beautiful day here in the Pacific Northwest. Sun shining, 72 degrees. Perfect bike riding weather. I rode from our house to the mall, then the mall to the gym for strength training for 45 minutes, then back home. I stopped a few times to take pictures and talk to a lady walking her yellow labs (I love yellow labs). It was the best two and half hours of my entire week. It made me very happy.

The swimming and the bootcamp class didn't work for me. There are still other things I can try. Next is an aerobic/strength training class at my gym. The only problem is that it's at 5:30 p.m. I'm really not much of an evening exercise person, but I'm going to try it a couple days this week. The last time I went to this class I was very overweight and although I liked the instructor and the music, I wasn't physically able to keep up. Hopefully I'll do better now.

A few pictures from yesterday...

Rhododendron in the gym parking lot

A view from my bike trail, Mt. Rainier in all her glory.

Me and the bike on the BPA trail in Federal Way, WA

Eating until I feel full
Last week I tried the Weight Watchers Filling Foods technique and not tracking every Point, I only tracked my weekly 35 Points. I tried eating until I felt "satisfied". It came as no big surprise to me that it didn't work. I gained 3.4 pounds this week. It's just a problem I have when left to my own devices, I will eat too much. It's who I am and a problem I have to deal with.

This week I'm counting Points again. It's another necessary evil, but I know it'll make for a much better weight loss week.

Monday, June 7, 2010

Bootcamp kicked my butt

Until this morning, I thought I was in excellent physical condition. After this morning, I realized the joke was on me.

Almost every exercise we did this morning was something I hate doing. I hate push ups. I hate lunges. I hate dead lifts. I hate jumping jacks.

Then there were the new exercises that I learned to hate too. The fake swimming exercise with stretchy rope thingies hooked to the wall, the reverse push ups with some straps hanging from the ceiling while lying almost parallel to the floor and holding onto the straps, jumping up on giant tires, the mountain climber exercises with sliding things under my feet, the burpee thing (ugh!).

I wish I could say it was fun, but when is pain fun? When is panting, sweating and gasping for air fun, especially when a young, 20-something handsome male is pushing you really hard, telling you "KEEP GOING, FASTER!!! FASTER!!!"? After fifteen minutes I thought to myself, 'if I get out of here alive, I AM NEVER COMING BACK!'.

After 35 minutes, my heart rate monitor said I'd burned 276 calories. It always reads half of whatever the machines say, so it's fairly accurate. Thirty minutes on the StairMaster only burns 200 calories, so I was happy with the results. Normally the bootcamp class is 45 minutes, but since today was my intro class the first ten minutes was spent going over the exercises with me.

Am I going back on Wednesday? Of course. Will I keep going after my month is up? No. One, normally it's $247 a month which is ridiculous. There are only three people in the morning class, which is also odd. The guy that owns/manages/teaches and is the CEO is about 20. He's in great shape, but he's 20! He was nice and seemed to know what he was doing, but the place was kind of strange.

I was slightly flattered when the owner said he would have to up my weights next time because the 15-pound dumbbells were obviously too light for me and the dead lift weight (I have no idea how much - it was a kettle ball) was too light. Next time he said he'd make sure I used heavier weights than the other women. I guess that's a good thing.

The most valuable lesson I learned today is that I don't push myself hard enough on my own, and I'm very competitive when it comes to exercising. Hence, group exercise classes are probably what I need to focus on to get the best workout possible. 

When other people are doing the hard stuff, like push ups, it's hard for me to say I can't do it. I feel like I have to prove something, like I may be 20 years older than you, but I can do everything you can do (and more!).

Overall it was okay. Maybe it'll be more fun when I feel more comfortable with the exercises. It was a lot of stuff to learn very quickly, and a lot of hard work. Plus the ton of lunges I did just about killed me. My butt is already sore!

Up and ready for my bootcamp introduction

It was a busy weekend, and  I'm rushed for time this morning. Another sleepless night so I'm feeling exhausted, but kind of psyched about bootcamp. Thank God for caffeine.

I did my best to do filling foods this weekend and not count Points, just my weeklies (non-filling foods). It's really hard to eat Chinese food and have any of it count as filling food. I failed miserably and used 11 of my weeklies at one meal. Oh well.

Also red wine is NOT a filling food. Ten weeklies wasted on wine in two days! I'm not much of a drinker and prefer to eat my extra weekly Points, but my mother-in-law isn't in town very often, so I let loose a little. It was fun but now it's back to the grindstone.

Bootcamp is at 7 a.m. which is going to make me late for work, but I've already made arrangements that I'll be in at 10 a.m. This is my intro class, after this it'll be 6 a.m. classes which will work out fine with my work schedule.

A few pictures from the weekend...

It was an absolute zoo at Pike Place Market in downtown Seattle. Gorgeous weather, hundreds of people.

Flowers everywhere.

Lots of beautiful fresh produce.

Market Spice shop, my mother-in-law's favorite store. She spent a fortune in this place.

Lots of fresh seafood.

More flowers.

Me and mom, and I was horrified that my belly was showing. These pants are too big and were falling off of me. I look like a bum and chastised my husband for not telling me my belly was hanging out. He said he didn't notice (!).

Saturday, June 5, 2010

If what you're doing isn't working, try something else

I had another sad little loss today. I weighed in at 162.8 for a loss of 0.8 pounds. Seriously. That is pathetic.

I counted Points for all of two days, last Saturday and Sunday. I tried the rest of the week but I hate it. Really, really hate it.

It's time for something different. What I'm doing isn't working for weight loss. It's great for maintenance, but I'm NOT at goal.

My new plan is eating Filling Foods. My Weight Watcher leader has been suggested this to me for months, but I shudder at the thought of not counting Points. However, that's what I'm doing now, I am NOT counting Points. I eat mostly filling foods anyway, so it won't be that different. Today is day one of eating filling foods. Kind of scary to not even try to count Points.

The gym has also lost it's charm. I still go almost every day, but I'm going because I have to, not because I want to go. A friend sent me a groupon link for a month of bootcamp for $39 (usually $247). Yes, that's a savings of 208. How could I refuse. I signed up and start on Monday morning. Each week I can attend as many boot camp classes as I can handle. I'll see how it goes. My plan is four boot camp classes a week and two gym visits.

I watched the video on the bootcamp website, and I'm just a tiny bit concerned. It looks really difficult. I've done bootcamp classes before, but never at a bootcamp fitness center. I hope I'm as strong as I think I am, but I could be wrong. At least it sounds interesting and a real challenge. If I make a fool of myself, well, it certainly won't be the first time. :)

It's an absolutely spectacularly beautiful day here in Seattle. Not a cloud in the sky. Sometimes I think because we become so accustomed to the dark, gray, rainy days, that when the sun shines, the colors are even more vivid than normal. Pictures tomorrow, I promise.

My mother-in-law and her husband are in town for the weekend, on their way to Alaska for the summer. We're spending the day with them in downtown Seattle, Archie McPhee's Novelty Shop (mother-in-law's idea), Pike Place Market for salmon throwing, and somewhere for a seafood dinner. It should be fun. I love my in-laws, they're actually a blast to hang out with (and they like me!). I'd be friends with them even if I wasn't married to their son.

Have a great weekend!

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

Sometimes I'm just tired of fighting the fight

Today was one of those days. A day where I didn't want to exercise, but I did anyway. A day where I was hungry all day, and I felt like a bottomless pit. I just wanted to eat all day, but I didn't.

Today was one of those days where I wanted to lay down my sword and give up the good fight.

I don't get these days too often anymore, but they still happen. When they happen I have to remind myself why I'm doing this, why I'm in a constant state of being on guard, why I've accepted it's okay to be hungry sometimes. I have to remind myself why I can't always give in to my desires to eat until I feel full, and that I have to exercise. It's not optional. This is now my life.

There are many reasons I don't give up on myself. Number one is my self-confidence and self-esteem issues. I remember the sad 51-year old woman that weighed 240 pounds in February of 2008.  I remember how much I hated myself for letting my body get in such bad shape. I've never felt uglier or sicker than I did at 240 pounds. Considering I've always had a very bad self-image, that's saying a lot.

I remember the one pair of size 20 black slacks I owned, that I wore every single day. I remember the ugly size 3X tops, designed for someone much older than I felt in my heart. My body felt every day of 51 years, but in my heart, I still felt like I was in my twenties. During that time I couldn't imagine going on in life and reaching old age, not feeling and looking like I did.

My health was a wreck in Feburary 2008. Everything hurt. My blood pressure was 180/110. I was a heart attack or stroke waiting to happen. My knees and ankles were in agony. Just walking at a slow pace on a level surface caused intense pain in my chest, knees and ankles.

I had difficulty breathing. I didn't exercise. I thought I couldn't exercise without killing myself. Just walking from the parking lot at work in to my office, I often thought I was going to have a heart attack.

My marriage was in serious trouble, mainly because of my low self-esteem. If you hate yourself how can you believe anyone else can love you? You can't, it's simply not possible. I assumed my husband was as disgusted and disappointed in me as I was in myself. It was a recipe for a very toxic relationship.

In a word, I was MISERABLE on every level.

When days like today happen, when I'm really not feeling it, when the desire to track my Points and stay within my limit doesn't feel within my grasp, and when I don't feel like exercising, I have to remind myself how far I've come in the last 2 1/2 years. Even though I'm not at goal yet, I've come a long way.

Seventy-five pounds off my body has made a world of difference in how I view myself, my marriage, and my world. I don't hate myself anymore. I'm not disgusted by myself. I expect my husband to be proud of me. Yes, me. Just as I am now. I'm in the best physical condition of my entire life. My resting pulse is 49, my blood pressure is 120/60 (no medicines), and my cholesterol and triglycerides are below normal (137 and 68). I wear a size 10.

I've worked hard to get here. I refuse to let a bad day screw with me. I'll never go back to the person I was when I started this process. I simply can't imagine that will ever happen, regardless of how much I like food, I like myself better.

Anyone who has followed me for any length of time knows I've had slip-ups with my food. I even re-gained 25 pounds last fall. I was sure I was on my way back to 240 pounds plus the obligatory regain of an additional ten pounds. Somehow this time I found the strength within myself to fight back. I picked up my sword and went back to battle, losing 17 of the 25 pounds (so far). I'm going to keep waging the battle until I get to goal and maintenance for life.

I'm not giving up the fight. Not today. Not tomorrow. Not ever.

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

I remember when it started, this love-hate relationship with food

I remember the very first time I woke up in the middle of the night feeling hungry. I was fourteen years old and wanted to lose fifteen pounds.

It was the summer of 1970, and my mother had planned a three-week vacation for the two of us to fly from Fairbanks to New York to Kansas City to Sacramento to Missoula to Seattle and back home to Fairbanks. We visited relatives in every city, some of whom I'd never met in my entire life.

I wanted to be skinny for the trip in August. At the beginning of the summer I was 140 pounds (5' 6"). I wanted to weigh 125 pounds. I thought I was hideously fat at 140. All my girlfriends weighed under 120 pounds. I was obese in comparison.

Back then I didn't know about cardio and strength training. I did things like sit-ups, leg lifts, donkey kicks, jumping jacks. This was pre-internet . I think I read about the exercises in some magazines. I didn't exercise very much or very often.

I also didn't know much about nutrition back then, and the importance of a balanced diet. Instead I crash dieted cutting my calories down to 800 calories a day. In two months I lost 10 pounds and was down to 130 pounds. I wanted desperately to get down to 125. The night before the trip I woke up at 1 a.m. I was starving. I remember not allowing myself to eat. I was so hungry that I couldn't sleep. Finally, after tossing for over an hour I got up and ate a tomato, and went back to bed.

I weighed that morning before getting ready for our flight. I was 129 pounds. I was so mad at myself for not getting down to 125 pounds. I thought I was fat.

I've looked at pictures of myself from that trip. I was so skinny. I actually looked malnourished. I didn't look healthy. I was pale and thin. Yet I still felt fat.

That was my first big diet, forty years ago. I'm still trying to lose weight, but now my goal is 135-140. Funny how things change, but stay the same. I'm still waking up in the middle of the night, wanting to eat because I'm hungry and trying not to eat. because I don't want to gain weight. Sometimes I win at this and sometimes I lose.

Tonight I didn't win. I ate, but it was controlled eating, about 400 calories, or 8 Points. It wasn't planned eating, but I have the Points available, so I ate. I am not beating myself up about it. Even though I know I'll probably see a slight gain tomorrow, it's all okay.

I will always have this love-hate relationship with food. I love it for the  obvious reasons. It makes me feel good, it gives me energy, it tastes good, and I get a lot of pleasure from eating. I hate it because I think about it too much, and thoughts of it often consume me. It makes me fat if I eat too much of it. 

You would think after all these years I'd have this figured out. I'm closer to understanding it than when I was a girl of 14. I've learned to accept my body with all it's flaws and to appreciate it's strength. I'm still working on my food issues, trying to accept that it's okay to eat if I'm hungry. If I can come to peace with the food, I just might be okay. Maybe someday.