Wednesday, June 2, 2010

Sometimes I'm just tired of fighting the fight

Today was one of those days. A day where I didn't want to exercise, but I did anyway. A day where I was hungry all day, and I felt like a bottomless pit. I just wanted to eat all day, but I didn't.

Today was one of those days where I wanted to lay down my sword and give up the good fight.

I don't get these days too often anymore, but they still happen. When they happen I have to remind myself why I'm doing this, why I'm in a constant state of being on guard, why I've accepted it's okay to be hungry sometimes. I have to remind myself why I can't always give in to my desires to eat until I feel full, and that I have to exercise. It's not optional. This is now my life.

There are many reasons I don't give up on myself. Number one is my self-confidence and self-esteem issues. I remember the sad 51-year old woman that weighed 240 pounds in February of 2008.  I remember how much I hated myself for letting my body get in such bad shape. I've never felt uglier or sicker than I did at 240 pounds. Considering I've always had a very bad self-image, that's saying a lot.

I remember the one pair of size 20 black slacks I owned, that I wore every single day. I remember the ugly size 3X tops, designed for someone much older than I felt in my heart. My body felt every day of 51 years, but in my heart, I still felt like I was in my twenties. During that time I couldn't imagine going on in life and reaching old age, not feeling and looking like I did.

My health was a wreck in Feburary 2008. Everything hurt. My blood pressure was 180/110. I was a heart attack or stroke waiting to happen. My knees and ankles were in agony. Just walking at a slow pace on a level surface caused intense pain in my chest, knees and ankles.

I had difficulty breathing. I didn't exercise. I thought I couldn't exercise without killing myself. Just walking from the parking lot at work in to my office, I often thought I was going to have a heart attack.

My marriage was in serious trouble, mainly because of my low self-esteem. If you hate yourself how can you believe anyone else can love you? You can't, it's simply not possible. I assumed my husband was as disgusted and disappointed in me as I was in myself. It was a recipe for a very toxic relationship.

In a word, I was MISERABLE on every level.

When days like today happen, when I'm really not feeling it, when the desire to track my Points and stay within my limit doesn't feel within my grasp, and when I don't feel like exercising, I have to remind myself how far I've come in the last 2 1/2 years. Even though I'm not at goal yet, I've come a long way.

Seventy-five pounds off my body has made a world of difference in how I view myself, my marriage, and my world. I don't hate myself anymore. I'm not disgusted by myself. I expect my husband to be proud of me. Yes, me. Just as I am now. I'm in the best physical condition of my entire life. My resting pulse is 49, my blood pressure is 120/60 (no medicines), and my cholesterol and triglycerides are below normal (137 and 68). I wear a size 10.

I've worked hard to get here. I refuse to let a bad day screw with me. I'll never go back to the person I was when I started this process. I simply can't imagine that will ever happen, regardless of how much I like food, I like myself better.

Anyone who has followed me for any length of time knows I've had slip-ups with my food. I even re-gained 25 pounds last fall. I was sure I was on my way back to 240 pounds plus the obligatory regain of an additional ten pounds. Somehow this time I found the strength within myself to fight back. I picked up my sword and went back to battle, losing 17 of the 25 pounds (so far). I'm going to keep waging the battle until I get to goal and maintenance for life.

I'm not giving up the fight. Not today. Not tomorrow. Not ever.

15 comments:

Then I Got Fat said...

You look fantastic! I have been at goal before and let myself gain everything back and then some so I know how you are feeling. Keep up the great work and keeping fighting the good fight!

Miz said...

Its ok.
This is all one long marathon of life and not a sprint.
Ive taken MORE than a few detours on my path but what Ive not done---and you arent either--is totally abandoned my healthy mission.

you will get there.

xo xo

Carla

Roxie said...

We all have days like this. That's what it is - just a day out of many where our thoughts want to turn on us. Keep this post to read on those days, rare as they are, to remind yourself that the brain is crazy sometimes and in those times, wants us to believe that all is lost, and to give up all we've worked so hard to accomplish.

Congratulations on your journey since Feb 08. You've done amazing things for yourself and for others like me, who read and learn from you. Thank you.

Debbie said...

You go girl.. This post really hit home with me. You hold that sword up high you have done amazing.

maureen said...

Diana,
I've been watching your progress and find I have so much in common with you, but you are turning it around. I too lost a lot of weight, gained 25 back and am trying to get a hold of everything. You have so much strength and determination. I admire you and hope to emulate you. THe fact that you do it no matter what and have made the committment to yourself is so inspiring. You are beautiful and you should be very proud of yourself.

Carrieheff said...

You are doing such a fantastic job and the fact that you won't let days like this start you going in the wrong direction means that you ARE going to keep the weight off and continue to lose even more weight. GOOD FOR YOU!

Rettakat said...

This was wonderful to read. It made me think of words like strength, grit, determination, steel, resolve.

You are a true Weight Loss Warrior... in spite of it all, you do it anyway.

Loretta
=^..^=

Ida said...

Days happen. What is most important, is that you now see them, and take control. You are now in control, not food or cravings. Wish I could say the same for me. But I'll get there,too

Anonymous said...

The long term maintainers know that the hard days come and go. They also know it's worth the effort.

You are a long term girl. Great job!

Ron said...

One day at a time..... and I think sooner or later we will find what works for us the best, and we will be happy to continue with that lifestyle.

Deniz said...

Some days are just rubbish. Thankfully, that's all they are now - just individual 'bad days', not the start of the great decline.

You are such a strong and wonderful example Diana. You have done so fantastically well that you still inspire me (and others too) nearly every day. I felt guilty as heck that I didn't do as well as you yesterday - sometimes life just happens though.

Your last sentence says it all. A great motto to live by.

Splurgie said...

You look great and sound strong. I've followed you long enough to remember your "down days." It frequently involved airport food, sub-standard hotel room service food, and work days that never ended. You also had a death in your family (brother in law?) that hit you hard. It's almost as though you're a different person now. You clearly seem to like the place you're in.

Jenny S said...

Yes, you have come so far... you are amazing and an inspiration! You always get right back on track whenever you falter and I know you'll be feeling it soon. You'll always be a "machine" in my eyes!

bbubblyb said...

Great post Diana!!! You have done great and it's true though we have days like this we know what to do to fight the fight and we will never give up. Warrior Diana!!!!!!

Jetta... said...

I love you so much. I have those days too. I understand completely. Right now - this journey seems so long. I AM TIRED. The cool thing is - we know enough now to never go back. Even if you stopped counting points and never lost another pound, you know enough to never gain it back as well.
If you ever want to - just email me. jettaanderson@msn.com - I would love to chat and we live so close....