Sometimes I'm just tired of fighting the fight
Today was one of those days where I wanted to lay down my sword and give up the good fight.
I don't get these days too often anymore, but they still happen. When they happen I have to remind myself why I'm doing this, why I'm in a constant state of being on guard, why I've accepted it's okay to be hungry sometimes. I have to remind myself why I can't always give in to my desires to eat until I feel full, and that I have to exercise. It's not optional. This is now my life.
There are many reasons I don't give up on myself. Number one is my self-confidence and self-esteem issues. I remember the sad 51-year old woman that weighed 240 pounds in February of 2008. I remember how much I hated myself for letting my body get in such bad shape. I've never felt uglier or sicker than I did at 240 pounds. Considering I've always had a very bad self-image, that's saying a lot.
I remember the one pair of size 20 black slacks I owned, that I wore every single day. I remember the ugly size 3X tops, designed for someone much older than I felt in my heart. My body felt every day of 51 years, but in my heart, I still felt like I was in my twenties. During that time I couldn't imagine going on in life and reaching old age, not feeling and looking like I did.
My health was a wreck in Feburary 2008. Everything hurt. My blood pressure was 180/110. I was a heart attack or stroke waiting to happen. My knees and ankles were in agony. Just walking at a slow pace on a level surface caused intense pain in my chest, knees and ankles.
I had difficulty breathing. I didn't exercise. I thought I couldn't exercise without killing myself. Just walking from the parking lot at work in to my office, I often thought I was going to have a heart attack.
My marriage was in serious trouble, mainly because of my low self-esteem. If you hate yourself how can you believe anyone else can love you? You can't, it's simply not possible. I assumed my husband was as disgusted and disappointed in me as I was in myself. It was a recipe for a very toxic relationship.
In a word, I was MISERABLE on every level.
When days like today happen, when I'm really not feeling it, when the desire to track my Points and stay within my limit doesn't feel within my grasp, and when I don't feel like exercising, I have to remind myself how far I've come in the last 2 1/2 years. Even though I'm not at goal yet, I've come a long way.
Seventy-five pounds off my body has made a world of difference in how I view myself, my marriage, and my world. I don't hate myself anymore. I'm not disgusted by myself. I expect my husband to be proud of me. Yes, me. Just as I am now. I'm in the best physical condition of my entire life. My resting pulse is 49, my blood pressure is 120/60 (no medicines), and my cholesterol and triglycerides are below normal (137 and 68). I wear a size 10.
I've worked hard to get here. I refuse to let a bad day screw with me. I'll never go back to the person I was when I started this process. I simply can't imagine that will ever happen, regardless of how much I like food, I like myself better.
Anyone who has followed me for any length of time knows I've had slip-ups with my food. I even re-gained 25 pounds last fall. I was sure I was on my way back to 240 pounds plus the obligatory regain of an additional ten pounds. Somehow this time I found the strength within myself to fight back. I picked up my sword and went back to battle, losing 17 of the 25 pounds (so far). I'm going to keep waging the battle until I get to goal and maintenance for life.
I'm not giving up the fight. Not today. Not tomorrow. Not ever.