Sunday, August 22, 2010

Why I haven't been posting very often

My posts have been few and far between these days. Last week I only posted once. That usually means something bad in the blog world. If that's what you're thinking, you're right.

I'm kind of in a funk lately. Not exactly depressed, but not my usual happy self. I'm finding it harder and harder to even fake happiness, and usually I'm pretty good at faking happy. In fact, I'm so good at it I can usually talk myself out of a bad mood just by pretending to be happy. Lately though, it's just not that easy.

I wonder if maybe this is depression and what if I feel like this forever. Is that what people feel like when they're clinically depressed and seek out psychiatric help and antidepressants? Okay, maybe I'm not that sad, I'm just kind of sad. I'm not happy where I am at this point of my life, on many levels, but I'm not quite ready for nut house.

I'm reading all your blogs, but I'm not commenting. No particular reason, just that I always feel rushed and exhausted. Plus, honestly, I say the same old thing over and over. It's never really inspiring or helpful. Just the same old thing. I wish I had some worthy bits of wisdom to share, but I'm struggling myself so I don't feel anything I have to say is worthwhile. If I had the answers, I'd fix myself.

My personal weight loss journey has come to a standstill. I'm not gaining weight, but I'm up 20 pounds from my lowest weight in the last two years (175.6 this morning). I'm not losing weight. More importantly, I'm not really trying anymore. I've become lazy, bored, and just tired of it all.

I still exercise, but lately my heart really hasn't been into it. I'm finding it difficult to make myself get out of bed in the mornings and get to the gym. Instead of working out six or seven times a week, I've cut back to four times a week.

I haven't been tracking my food either. I usually start out with good intentions, but about halfway through my day, I usually just give up.

My eating isn't terrible, I'm not eating junk food unless you call the Dreyers 70 calories Pomegranate frozen juice bars junk food (and they are sort of). Other than that one thing, my food is completely healthy and wholesome, but my servings are too large.

So what am I going to do about this situation? I honestly don't know. I'd kick my own butt if I could, but I just don't have the energy nor the desire anymore. I don't know what's wrong with me, but I need to get out of this mood I've been in. I miss the old me.

There were a few things that made me smile this week:

1. I tried to call Riverroad Animal Hospital on my Blackberry using my Bluetooth. I said, "Call Riverroad". The phone said, "Call rrrr-rrrr?". I thought, well, sort of sounds like Riverroad. I said "yes". Phone said "Calling rrrr-rrrr". It called Linda Mathys (my niece). Really, Linda Mathys sounds like "Riverroad"?

2. I constantly forget to lock my cell phone when I throw it in my purse. As a result, it's always yelling at me "Say a command!". Yesterday I said, "Just shut up and turn off!". The phone said "Voice prompts off". Blessed silence. Then I had a moment of my panic because I didn't know how to turn voice prompts back on.."turn on" worked.

3. I was sitting at my desk at work today (and yes, today is Sunday!), stepping through the same chunk of code for five freaking hours and not being able to figure out why my web service call kept failing, I literally said out loud to myself (alone in the office): "I wish I was smarter!".  Then it occurred to me to to take the web service error I was getting and search for it in Google. The first search result that came back said to check the CurrentState of the object. That was the problem! Okay, so I'm not smart, but Google is smart (thank you Larry Page and Sergey Brin!).

4. I was listening to a new Ke$ha song on my iPod. I wanted to know the name of the song so I pressed the middle button, the iPod said "My First Kiss featuring Kah-dollar-sign-ha 303". It's obviously Ke$ha
30H!3. No wonder iPod is confused!

5. Thursday was my twenty-second wedding anniversary. After work my husband met me at a restaurant for dinner. When I pulled into the parking lot he was standing there holding a dozen peach roses and the sweetest card he's ever given me. I haven't exactly been a joy to live with lately so I was surprised. It made me smile.

I guess life isn't all black and horrible. As my mom would say, this too shall pass. :)

8 comments:

Miz said...

Im hesitant to be too suzie sunshine but FOR ME as long as I can find something ANYTHING to smile about I know that what you said rings so so true: this too shall pass.

Roxie said...

Welcome to Funkville, population you and me :-) You described my feelings of the last week or so just perfectly. Don't know if "this too shall pass" or if it's something deeper.

What a lovely wedding anniversary surprise! And I would freak right out with all your technology - but I do the same thing with Googling errors. Works almost every time. My thanks to those same two guys.

Here's hoping for some inspiration for both of us. Take good care, Diana.

Ron said...

After years of struggling with these kinds of moods... i kinda figure life is what you make it! Never easy, but try to make the best of every day..... that's how I have dealt with my job and no raises for 8 years, along with all the other shit life throws at me. Hope things turn around for you soon Diana!

Carrieheff said...

You sound like me when I had post pardum depression. Nothing made me happy. I think the difference between depression and a funk is how long it lasts.

I'm sorry you are going through this. It sucks and nobody can fix it for you. You will figure out what to do. You are a smart person.

As far as commenting on other people's blogs, I don't think anyone wants you to fix them. They just want to know there are people out there who care about what they have to say. Just like you, if you get all kinds of comments of support, maybe that will make you feel better. Just know that there are people out there who care and even if you just want to bitch and complain, we are here to listen and support you!

Anonymous said...

i think it's menopause... i've been going thru the same thing.... it'll pass i'm hoping. xo

bbubblyb said...

I'm with Mizfit on this one, if you can find something to smile about it's not all so bad. Hang in there things will get better. Like Ron said too life is what we make it. For the record, you always say good things, never once had a comment from you that wasn't worthwhile. *hugs* BTW you weigh 0.4 less than me and I don't think life is all that bad here lol.

M Pax said...

As a survivor of the big D, don't let it go too long. If it is hormones, try black cohosh. I call it 'sanity'. LOL Hope you're over funkville soon.

Katie J said...

I agree with the other commenters. Be aware of how long it has lasted and if it continues for more then a couple weeks then I would seek treatement and maybe you should check with your doctor about the big "M"

Here is a list of symptoms you may want to check out (www.webmd.com)
What are symptoms of depression?
According to the National Institute of Mental Health, symptoms of depression may include the following:

- difficulty concentrating, remembering details, and making decisions
- fatigue and decreased energy
- feelings of guilt, worthlessness, and/or helplessness
- feelings of hopelessness and/or pessimism
insomnia, early-morning wakefulness, or excessive sleeping
- irritability, restlessness
- loss of interest in activities or hobbies once pleasurable, including sex
- overeating or appetite loss
- persistent aches or pains, headaches, cramps, or digestive problems that do not ease even with treatment
persistent sad, anxious, or "empty" feelings
thoughts of suicide, suicide attempts

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