Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Healing thyself

During the past four days I've come the realization just how sick I was when it came to food. I have abused it my entire life.

Tonight as I was eating dinner, distraction free, I realized this is the first time I wasn't either on a diet of some kind or in the midst of a full-blown binge. I'm a black and white kind of gal, either I'm on a diet or I'm not. If I'm not, then it's a literal food fest, eating anything and everything in sight.

For four days I've eaten like a "normal" person. I haven't binged, eaten in the middle of the night, or eaten mindlessly. I haven't stuffed myself until my tummy hurt. I haven't eaten in front of the TV or while reading reading a book or while on the laptop. I haven't had crazy cravings or felt like I was going to die if I didn't eat something or in some cases, everything.

I also haven't abused my new found freedom. I'm eating a few things I haven't eaten in a really long time. Today instead of Stevia I added honey to my Greek yogurt.

Dinner tonight was a very small piece of top sirloin steak, broiled to perfection. The piece was pretty small, but I cut it into small bites and savored each one. I had red bell pepper slices drizzled with real blue cheese dressing. Not a lot, but enough so that each piece had a small amount. I had Brussels sprouts again, but without Smart Balance, just a little sea salt. My beverage was a glass of milk of 1% milk. It was a very tasty and enjoyable dinner. I felt totally satisfied.

This morning I made my favorite soup. It's a South Beach recipe, Chicken and Veggie Chowder (the recipe is at the end of this post). In the past when I'd make this soup, I'd cook the chicken separately and then careful weigh four ounces of chicken for each serving. Today I just added all the cut-up chicken breasts in with everything else, just like the recipe says you're suppose to do. It'll all work out in the end. This is part of my healing process, to stop being so compulsive about my food, always worrying about it. Always trying to be exactly perfect in my eating. It's exhausting.

I'm trying to look at food differently. Instead of it being my main source of pleasure as well as my main source of pain, I'm trying to look at it for what it really is...a source of nutrition for my body. If it tastes good, that's a bonus, and then it also becomes a source of pleasure.

I'm also trying to listen to my body more, not my mind. Of course my mind would like candy and cake and ice cream. My body, not so much. I didn't post this last week because it was embarrassing, but Monday of last week, in the midst of my cold, I had a pint of ice cream, Ben and Jerry's Heath Bar. I ate the whole thing. The I ate an entire package of vanilla Oreos. An entire package. I was so sick I thought I was going to die. I had night sweats from the sugar. Horrible night sweats where I was drenched. I think if my body could have killed me at that moment, it would have. The funny thing, none of it tasted that good. Probably because I had a cold, but it really wasn't worth it.

Another discovery these past few days is that I really hate coffee. I've always hated it. It's okay if you add sugar and milk, but plain coffee, yuk. Yet I've been drinking it, along with a few caffeine pills here and there and then sleeping pills at night. It's a miracle my body didn't just shut down a long time ago because of the abuse I've dumped on it. I've almost entirely cut out the coffee, and have stopped the caffeine pills and sleeping pills entirely

I've been thinking about all the diet plans I've been on in my life. The list is endless. Every single one of them was restrictive, and I would follow them perfectly, 100%. For a certain amount of time. Then, I'd reach my breaking point and all bets were off. I'd become a crazed, food obsessed nut case.

The hardest part for me is the math. Stopping myself from doing the math in my head. I know the calories, fat grams, carbs in almost every food. I know the Weight Watcher Points as well. When I'm preparing a meal I find myself adding up the items. I have to consciously tell myself to "STOP IT!". It's not important right now.

Also, for the record, I'm not following any diet. I was thinking back to when I felt my healthiest and was when I was eating the foods recommended by the South Beach Diet. Since I'm not on a "diet", I'm not following the SB Diet per se, but I did enjoy the foods on that "diet" the most. The difference though is if I want a little honey in my oatmeal or my yogurt, I'm going to have it.

I'm really curious how this week is going to end. Will I gain weight? Will I lose weight? Will I be furious if I gain a couple pounds? I'm trying to keep an open mind about this. It's an experiment, to see if I can be normal when it comes to food. To see if I can really heal thyself.


Roxie said...

It seems like you are feeling more at ease, Diana. I know that feels good!

Anonymous said...

You sound like you are beginning to feel some peace about your body. I am so happy for you. Jo

Helen said...

Though I am currently having a specific eating plan enforced by a doctor, I have been trying to continue my mindful eating... doing things like not measuring every single ounce of chicken - lol!

Just lovely to read this. It's so much nicer to be at peace with food, isn't it?

Sandra said...

Love reading your posts Diana, feeling the difference these last couple of days. Nice to not have to count and focus on food ALL the time. It is something I've been trying to focus on lately (last 6 months) and although I haven't lost any pounds, I'm happy and feeling good. It's nice letting it go and not being on a "Diet".

Looking forward to reading more of your adventure.

bbubblyb said...

Glad you're feeling at peace this week. Reading your last few posts reminds me of when I was home after having my gall bladder out. The kids were in school I was alone all day, could just do as I wanted and I found food so easy. I really felt the most peace then with it and you know during that time I dropped close to 7 lbs. I do think finding peace with food is the answer. Sure we need to be aware of what we are eating but we also need to just focus on food as fuel too. Figure out how to not have it tied to our emotions. I feel so happy for you Diana. *hugs*

M Pax said...

That is how I did it - eating sensibly and making only those changes I coud live w/ for the rest of my llife. As time goes on that changes a lot. I usually avoid sugar these days. It makes me sick. When I eat crap, I feel like crap. I can still eat delicious food and eat healthy. The bonus is how much better I feel. I can't recall the last time I tasted heath bar. Used to be my favorite.