Friday, October 1, 2010

The longer I do this the harder it is to do

I know it just doesn't make any sense, does it? Given all my knowledge about weight loss and Weight Watchers and South Beach and Jenny Craig and NutriSystems and every other diet I've ever tried, this should be a walk in the park by now.

So tell me, why does it seem harder now than ever before in my life? I simply don't get it.

In the last three years I went from 240 pounds down to 152 pounds, then up to 174, then down to 156 then again up to 174. It's like I'm stuck in a rut and I can pull my self out of it. 

Honestly, I'm just sick and tired of myself and my weight. Every day all throughout my day I think about my weight. They say guys think about sex every 30 seconds, I think about food at least that often or more.

It's like I've broken whatever it was in me that was doing so well. It's like I almost don't even care anymore. My size 12's are snug. Not unbearably tight, yet. They could be with another 10 pounds. They're not loose and falling off of me like they were at 152 or even at 166.

I can't say I'm totally miserable. I still exercise on a consistent basis, cardio and weight lifting, but I eat too much. Therefore, I'm not happy with my body. I feel fat. I am fat.

I don't expect anyone to have the answer for me. I know I have to find it inside myself. Somehow. I just haven't figured it out yet. After a lifetime of doing this I still don't have the answers. It seems like the longer this goes on, the harder it is for me to keep doing it.

I'm not giving up and throwing in the towel. I'm just saying I feel kind of defeated at the moment. Like there's something terribly wrong with me that I can't beat this thing.

5 comments:

Alan (Pounds Off Playoff) said...

You have great resolve. Keep it going. I admire your stick-to-it-iveness. (hmm...I've never written that)

Your work sounds like it has been unbearable in recent months. I'm guessing a return to a saner schedule will be a big part of getting you unstuck. Good luck!

Deniz said...

Nothing is wrong with YOU at all, but you have been through the mill work-wise just recently. It's probably a reaction to all the stress and you need a little down time before you can focus full-time on the weight loss again.

Keep smiling, accept a hug, and hang on in there. It will become easier again and I KNOW you will blitz it!

Ron said...

For me, I have for the most part quit stressing over it, I am truely trying to eat lots of lean protein and unprocessed foods and exercise at least 5 days a week. Right now the exercise is doing the C25K program and riding bicycle and I am only exercising for 30-40 mintues each time right now, however I want to start back into lifting soon too. I haven't gained and it looks like I lost a pound last week. Sometimes I think we try to hard, I hope that I am now moving in the right direction,,,,even if it is very very slow.

Roxie said...

Cut yourself a bit of a break, Diana. Your work schedule recently would have ground a lessor person into the ground. I hope you find a method that brings you some peace with this.

June in Ireland said...

Don't be so unbelievably hard on yourself, Diana. Don't give up on yourself. You've done amazing things already - remember that! Just look how far you've come, how much you've lost, what you've already achieved.

I empathise completely with you, as I reached Goal nearly two years ago, and have been struggling at times, too. This is just one of 'those times' for you, at the moment.

Consider, also, how difficult and stressful it's been for you recently with your job, and how exhausted you've been - that definitely can wreak havoc with anyone's resolve, whether they have weight to lose or not.

Please stop beating yourself up, Diana. You're brilliant, and you've done amazing things. This is just a minor glitch, a minor snag - it's temporary. Try not to stress yourself out. The more we stress, the 'heavier' our inner state is and becomes, and I truly believe it can hinder weight loss by feeling 'heavy' with sadness or frustration or in low spirits, in general.

Whenever I've been down or feeling like I'm 'not good enough' (whatever that means), I first take out my journal (you do that with your blog, but it's the same thing - you're expressing your feelings and getting it out of your system rather than carrying it inside or trying to bury or stuff it back down). I also meditate as well as do some gentle yoga asanas to help me to focus (or refocus) on something positive...something other than whatever I'm feeling down or bad about. Dancing to music you really love is also a great sadness eradicator, I've also found.

One thing is certain, though. There is NOTHING wrong with you. You are brilliant. Repeat that out loud, many many times, throughout your day until you not only believe it to be true, but that you KNOW it is true. That you are brilliant. That you are a great, loving, caring, kind, terrific person. I've done this 'exercise' many times, and more often than not, it has helped me when I've run into a 'bad patch,' mentally and emotionally, usually having to do with my weight/weight loss/lack of progress.

Don't give up on yourself, Diana. Be kind to yourself. And remember how far you've come, and what you've achieved and accomplished.