Showing posts from January, 2010

The lost weekend

First and foremost, I want to thank everyone for your incredibly supportive and sweet comments on Thursday's post. I was overwhelmed by your kindness.

I was really worried about posting it, but I felt compelled to get it out in the open. Someone commented the truth shall set you free. So true.

I haven't binged once since I posted "My Secret". I haven't figured out why sharing that information made a difference, but it seems to have opened a door for me. A door that might lead me to freedom from the shackles of my food issues.
Now about my totally boring weekend....

I'm not sure where the last two days went, but I feel like I didn't even have a weekend.

Yesterday I woke up at 4am with the worst headache of my life. I rarely get headaches but this one felt like someone had taken a sledgehammer and hit me right between the eyes. I was wondering if I had a brain aneurysm or something equally fatal.

I couldn&…

My secret

I may lose a few followers over this post, and some of you may not like me anymore, but here it goes....

I know why I ate like a woman possessed last night. I even knew when it was it was happening why I was doing it.

My best friend knows some things about me that very few people in this world know. They're dark, ugly things. Things I wish had never happened.

About two years ago I met someone online. A man. A funny, witty and charming man that lives in a far away city. Emails were exchanged, online chats started, then there were the phone calls, lots of phone calls. I've never met this person in real life, but I thought I was falling in love with him. It became an online affair.

Some people don't believe having an online relationship is cheating in a marriage, and they think no one will get hurt. If that's what you think, you're wrong on both accounts.

My marriage was going through a rough patch at the time. After almost a year, my husband found out about the o…

This little piggie went to town

My best friend and I went out tonight to celebrate her birthday with dinner and a movie. I seriously don't know what happened to me, but it was like I checked my brain at the door.

I had the evening planned, exactly what I would eat, where I would eat it, how much and how many Points I would consume. I'd had my normal breakfast and a light lunch. I'd eaten 11 Points so I had plenty left for dinner.

We went to Claim Jumper, my girlfriend's favorite restaurant (and not somewhere I would chose - but it was her birthday - her choice). This is one of those places that serves portions fit for a lumberjack. It's totally ridiculous but that's their trademark, huge, unhealthy, fat laden, high calorie, delicious food.

I looked up the nutritional information and the rotisserie chicken looked like my best choice for 14 Points. I knew it would be half of a chicken, and I would eat half of the half for 7 Points. Then there's the sides, sweet potato without the brown sug…

It's all about the attitude

Yesterday I posted about my binging, how I obsess over it. I also mentioned how Velda's post put my problems in perspective.

What really stands out about Velda isn't the fact that her problem is worse than my problem, it's her attitude. Even though her prognosis is grim (4 to 6 months to live), she is still positive and upbeat about her life. She's fighting as hard as she can to live her life to the fullest. She has hope that just maybe she'll beat the odds.

It really is all about our attitude. None of the weight loss experts can help us if we have a bad attitude. If we constantly tell ourselves we're going to fail at losing weight and maintaining the loss, we'll be right.

That's exactly where I've been for the last few weeks. I was feeling like this was just impossible. My binging was getting the best of me.

When I got home last night I decided I wasn't going to obsess about my binging anymore. I had to let go of that thought process. If it happen…

A funny thing happened on my way to writing this post

I've been taking a break from my blog, stepping back and trying to figure out what is wrong with me.

As I do with most things in my life, I was over-analyzing my binging problem. To the point where I was becoming obsessed by it.

I was posting the same thing every day. I binged, I didn't binge, I wanted to binge, I need to stop binging, I don't know how to stop binging, what is wrong with me?! Over and over I repeated the same words. If I didn't actually post them, they were running through my head.

Then I'd talk a good talk: "I can do this!" "I'm going to do this!" "This will work!"

When truthfully, I'd fallen and couldn't get up. None of my grand schemes worked on me. The more I worried about it, the worse it became.

I had all sorts of theories about the reasons for my binging: my husband doesn't love me enough, my father died when I was 12, I was spoiled by my mother to make up for not having a father, I was use to gettin…

We are not a statistic

I hate reading this weight loss statistic: over 95% of people gain back the weight that they've lost.

I see this statistic everywhere this time of year, in people's blogs, on the Internet, in the e-newsletters I get from various weight loss groups. Even my Weight Watcher leader mentioned it last week.

Everyone quotes this statistic, but I can't find the research to back it up. I just spent 20 minutes Googling it, and although I found the statistic everywhere, I can't find out where it's coming from. My guess is that some research group did some sort of study and came up with it.

This statistic infuriates me for many reasons. First of all, I want to know how they did the research. How did they come up with this number?

Maybe they checked with Diet Center, where I lost 40 pounds in 1978 and quickly gained it all back.

Maybe they checked with NutriSystem and saw in 1992 I lost 50 pounds, and re-gained it.

Did Jenny Craig tell them about the 70 pounds I lost on their plan …

Why yoga?

I'm dead, dog tired tonight. I have no pearls of wisdom for you, I'm empty. I've been sitting here staring at my screen trying to think of something intelligent to say, or even something stupid to say, anything, but I'm just drawing a big, fat blank. It's like I've run out of words.

Why yoga?
I wanted to mention why I was thinking about a yoga class. Not so much for spirituality or chanting to the supreme guru guy (whoever that's suppose to be, I have no idea). I have my own guy I pray to, and he's not some guru in India.

The reason I'm thinking about a yoga class is because I realized last week at the Kundalini yoga that I'm totally out of touch with my body. Even though I didn't like the chanting and weird breathing in Kudalini, there was something kind of cool about actually noticing my body. Paying attention to my breathing, to the stretching, to how it feels to move my body very slowly, to acknowledge my body.

When I hit the gym in the morn…

Kundalini thanks

It turns out I kind of hate Kundalini Yoga. This is what I hate: the chanting words that I don't know what they mean and I can't pronounce. The weird poses that hurt my ankle bones. The breathing. Oh my God!...the breathing by protruding my belly button when I breathe out makes me light headed dizzy. I hate all of it.

At first it seemed kind of nice. It seemed comforting, relaxing in the yoga studio. The lights were dimmed, the soft Indian music, everyone spoke in whispers. We had a really pretty lady Indian yoga instructor. Then she told us to close our eyes and she started the chanting thing.

She'd given us a paper with the mantra. I couldn't prounce the words. I couldn't get down the sing-song chanting thing she was doing. It felt weird and uncomfortable. I kept wondering what the words meant.


I looked it on Google. The above mantra means:

This is the Mangala Charn Mantra, and is chanted…

The letter

Tonight I feel incredibly in control of my eating. I feel so in control that I started thinking, I wish I could talk to myself when I get that crazy, out-of-control feeling and want to eat everything in sight. The sane, totally in control Diana talking to the crazy, out-of-control Diana, try to talk some sense into her.

Then I had an idea. I see people write themselves letters to be opened in a year or five years or twenty years. They're letters of their current self talking to their future self. I thought why don't I write a letter to the crazy Diana. The one that can't stop herself from binging.

I wrote the letter and have put it in an envelope, with two of my fat pictures, taped to the refrigerator door. It's to be opened if I start to feel like I'm losing control of my eating.

Here's the letter, from the sane Diana to the crazy Diana:

Dear Diana,

If you're reading this letter, it means you're considering embarking on mindless eating. A binge is about to…


Oops. I'm not talking about an object-oriented programming system. I'm talking about acknowledging a minor mistake.

Yes, I had an "oops" last night. It involved cheese. An almond butter and jam sandwich. Cold cereal with milk.

The cheese is the same cheese from New Year's Eve that I had requested my husband hide from me. He hid it in the bottom drawer of the fridge in the garage. It was out of sight and out of mind and it didn't haunt me...until yesterday.

Yesterday my cruel and evil loving husband had a plate of cheese and crackers for a snack. He even asked me if I'd like some too, and went on to tell me how great the Dubliner Irish cheese from Costco tasted. I know this is unintentional cruelty. He knows I like cheese. What he doesn't know is that I LOVE cheese. That I could eat an entire block of the Dubliner Irish cheese if he wasn't looking.

I had been perfect on my eating all day. I had a nice dinner and thought I was fine. We went to bed. I co…

Eat more, move less and lose weight

My weighin today:

That was the result of one week of doing the following:
1. I tracked ALL my food.

2. I weighed and measured EVERYTHING I ate and drank.

3. I did my very best to follow the Weight Watcher Good Health Guidelines (including 3 dairy servings, 2 tsp. healthy oil and even my vitamins).

4. Stayed within my Points limit of 22, plus 5 of my weeklies each day. I ateALL 35 weeklies.

5. I earned 35 Activity Points with 6 days of working out, one-hour sessions.I didn't eat any of my APs, although if I wanted them, I would have eaten them.

6. I ate a LOT of food, choosing mostly what Weight Watcher refers to as filling foods. There were a lot of the green diamonds in my online tracker.

This has saved my life. I felt full and satisfied most of the time. This has made a HUGE difference.

7. I cut out the night binging by saying 'no' to myself. I really thought about if I was actually hungry, or if I was lonely, bored, tired, or thirsty. Surprisingly, most of the time I wasn't …

On the seventh day...

Today is my seventh binge-free day. It's a miracle.

I've eaten within my Points limit and tracked every bite.

It's been months since I've had a week like this one.

It wasn't a white-knuckle week like the weeks I've had in the past several months. I didn't have horrible cravings where I wanted to eat all the time. The cravings are gone. Honestly, it feels like a miracle.

These are things I think help make this a good week :

1.) I changed what I'm eating. I'm avoiding as many processed foods as possible and eating as many of the "filling" foods as possible. I've broken off my relationship with Weight Watchers ice cream bars, Skinny Cows and Dreyer's fruit bars. They are no longer my friends and are not welcome in my home.

2. ) I've tracked all my food in the online Weight Watcher journal. My Weight Watcher leader told us last week that is the number one thing that will make a difference in your weight loss.

3.) I've been eating a lo…

For me, really?!

I love Amber. She's sweet, kind, supportive and has a really quirky sense of humor that makes me laugh out loud on a daily basis. I consider her one of my best blogger friends.

So why did she do this to me? Award me the Beautiful Blogger award. I kind of don't like awards, because they make me feel like a dork. I don't feel good enough or smart enough or interesting enough to get an award. I don't feel worthy.

That's why I usually pretend I don't see them when someone gives me one. I know, that's kind of rude of me. I mean, someone thinks they're doing a nice thing, then I ignore it. So in my efforts to be a nicer person this year, I'm accepting this award from Amber. Thank you Amber. I think you're a beautiful blogger too!

Of course, there's always a condition with these awards. Something you have to do, in this case, I'm suppose to tell seven things about myself. That right there almost caused me to ignore this award. I read Amber's l…

Still on fire

It's 10:18pm. I'm just about ready to go to bed and sleep. Tomorrow I have my workout in the morning, work all day, and then Kundalini yoga at night .

I almost hesitate to write about not binging. It's like I'm afraid I'm going to jinx myself and totally screw up. I can't remember the last time I was "clean and sober" for four straight days. Although even if I do mess up, I know it'll be okay.

"The end of overeating" Chapter 44, Avoiding Traps: On obsession and Relapse
(page 231)

"Some people find it especially hard to stay in control when they are the highest end of their weight spectrum--at that point, the goal of a weight loss may just seem too remote to be achieved. For others, the greatest challenge comes after reaching their, when they recognize that their struggle will never be completely over and that the battle with conditioned hypereating is lifelong. Accepting those realities helps to keep you vigilant. Keeping relapse at bay…

Just say no!

Tonight I tried some cognitive behavioral therapy on myself. I'm surprised how well it worked.

Earlier tonight I had eaten a nice dinner of a chicken breast with spicy barbecue sauce, roasted Brussels sprouts with olive oil and sea salt (my favorite), and a cup of milk (I'm really working on trying to get the Healthy Eight).

I have a planned snack for later of fresh pineapple and yogurt. My plan is to eat this snack at 11pm, my normal bewitching hour, but only if I'm hungry. I want to be prepared to stop a binge if all my resolve falls apart. I've had two good nights, I'm going for three.

After dinner I was reading some blogs and saw someone had a Kashi granola bar for a snack. It reminded me of the nut & fruit bars we bought a few months ago at Costco. They're mostly nuts and seeds, with a little dried fruit. They're delicious but very high in calories and fat (6 Points each). Earlier today I saw my husband eating one. I remembered how good they tasted. I…

Another night of freedom

I'm talking about freedom from the binge monster. I made it through another night without going crazy on food. Two nights in a row. I feel stronger than I've felt in months.

Last night I used the tip to have a preplanned snack. I knew I wasn't going to be tired enough to go to bed early and actually sleep, so I allowed for a three-Point snack at 11pm.

It was a really simple snack but very filling. One orange, 1/2 of a small apple, one container of Light Vanilla Activia yogurt and 1/2 cup Fiber One (which I haven't eaten in months).

I ate my planned snack at 11pm with a big glass of ice water, while I was reading "The end of overeating." It completely satisfied my urge to eat.

My total Points for yesterday was 24.5, and I tracked every bite. I'm allowed 22 a day, plus the 35 weeklies (and activity Points which I try not to use, but will if I feel like I really need them). I also managed to get in most of my Healthy Eight, first time in months that I even tried…

No more excuses

This was kind of a funny/sad sign I saw at the gas station this morning. Notice the poor guy in the contest looks like he needs to lose a few pounds.

Then check out the meal combo they offer for $3.75. I calculated the calories for this little snack. If you ordered a regular Coke for your 44 oz. Thirstbuster drink and had a small packet of mayo with your hot dog, it would be 1,008 calories! The cola alone is 526 calories. Unbelievable!


Your comments about my 180.2 post yesterday really touched me, and they made a huge difference in my life. Everyone had great advice on how I can stop the binge monster from attacking me every night. Thank you all so much.

Because of all your support and because some of you said you suffer from the late night eating/binging problem, I was determine to beat it last night. I thought if other people can conquer this demon, I can too. I had a binge-free night last night, the first one in months.

Even though I w…

Kelly - Pounds for the Prom

There's a new blogger I started following recently. Her name is Kelly and her blog is Pounds for the Prom.

Kelly started her journey December 1, 2009, and she's on the Weight Watchers plan. From the title of her blog you've probably already guessed, she's still in high school and living at home. Some of her problems with losing weight are unique to her age and living situation, yet some of them are exactly the same as the rest of us.

Stop by her blog and say hello. Just like the rest of us, Kelly needs all the encouragement she can get. :)

I'll post later today with my official Weight Watcher weighin. The first for 2010.


Argh! 180.2...really????

What can I say other than I'm a dismal failure at this weight loss stuff. Instead of losing weight this week, the first week of the new year, I gained 3.8 pounds! That's just the weigh in on my home scales, tomorrow at 7am is Weight Watchers. Since I'll actually have clothes on when I weigh in it'll be even more (unless I amputate an arm tonight and trust me, I'm tempted!).

I'm perfect every day, all day until about 11pm. Then it's like I lose my ever-lovin' mind! All sense of what's important to me disappears into thin air. I even hear myself saying that I just don't care damnit! I'm hungry! And then I proceed to stuff my fat little face with an abundance of healthy food.

A banana, broiled chicken, low-fat graham crackers and non-fat milk was my feast last night at 11pm. Not even fun food.

All the self-help books' advice, all the weight loss bloggers' advice, all my own knowledge of overeating and weight loss se…

Is it really a choice?

After all my "let's be positive because it's a choice" I had a really lousy day today. I woke up late, missed my morning workout, and was late to work. Then I was assign two awful projects to manage.

I worked out after work and it was difficult. The extra 22 pounds feels like an extra 50 pounds, especially on the tricep pushups and chin-up assist machine.

On my way home I called my husband and asked him to get rid of the cashews he bought at Costco and the four different kinds of cheeses he got for New Year's Eve. They've been calling my name every night, and I can't take it anymore. He said he'd get rid of them.

When I got home after my workout you'll never guess what was in the kitchen. Pizza! Seriously Jack, are you freaking kidding me? Pizza?! I swear he wants me to be fat.

Although I'm trying to be positive and optimistic, I'm just not feeling it tonight. Maybe tomorrow.


I never do these que…

Your Choice

I'd written a really negative post earlier today. It was titled "What happened to my happy?" I expressed my frustration with myself about my weight gain of 22 pounds.

After reading through it tonight I decided I didn't like my attitude and tone of the post. My words made me feel worse than I already do about my weight gain. I imagined someone else reading it, how they might feel. I deleted the post before it was ever published. I really want to focus on the positive, even though it's really hard at times (especially when my pants don't fit!).

Tonight is my TV night, and I'm watching The Biggest Loser. I've never actually watched an entire episode of BL. I've caught a few episodes in the past years, but it's too emotional for me. All the crying and the sad stories break my heart. No one ever says, 'gosh, I'm just thrilled I gained all this weight, my life is so much better now'.

Being overweight really does suck. It's horrible. It …

What you think, is true.

In the recent Weight Watcher magazine there's a success story about a woman that has lost 159 pounds. Her yoga instructor's mantra is"What you think, is true."

I love this saying, and I completely agree with it. If we think we're a big, fat slob, a failure at weight loss and that we'll always be fat and even if we lose the weight, we'll probably gain it back, then it's true.

I'm a firm believer in the power of positive thinking. By believing in myself I can make things happen, things like losing weight and maintaining the loss.

No talk about "it's too hard" or "I'm tired of this." or heaven forbid "I want to quit!". That will get me nowhere except back to weighing in at 240 pounds.

I've gained 22 pounds since February 2009 to now (ten months). I was 154.6 for a brief moment on February 17, 2009. Am I sad about screwing up and basically wasting the last year? Hell yes! Am I going to do something about it? Doubl…

Bastille my heart

Bastille my heart is the name of my OPI nail polish. Not really much to do with this post...I just like the sound of it. :)

I'm in an unusually happy place tonight, in fact, I've been there all day. I can't really remember the last time I felt this happy and hopeful about life, and just that feeling that all is right with my world.

I'm actually following through on some of my new year resolutions. One of the things was to work on my marriage. I'm married to an unusual man in that if I'm kind to him, he's doubly kind to me. If I'm a bitch to him, he's doubly an a-hole to me. It's always been like this, for the past 21 years.

Even though I know this to be true, I will still make the biggest deal about the smallest thing. The last few days I've been picking my battles wisely.

Emptying the dishwasher, a task I abhor, isn't really that big of a deal. In the big picture of life it's really not worth arguing about. He does a lot of "boy&qu…

The end of overeating

I love the book I'm reading, "The end of overeating." by David A. Kessler, MD.

pg. 145 "conditioned hypereating: "conditioned" because it becomes an automatic response to widely available food and it's cues, "hyper" because the eating is excessive, driven by motivational forces we find difficult to control."

pg. 146 "Why should a cookie be anything more than just a cookie?"

pg. 150 "Because a cookie makes me feel better, it's easy to develop the habit of seeking it out when I'm sad or angry. Over time, as neural pathways link the change in my mood with the experience of eating the cookie, the association grows stronger.

These products have some kind of hedonic, calming effect, said Koob. In other words, they relieve the itch. The problem is that the itch comes back."

pg. 147 "Behavior-activating messages that urge pursuit clash with internal messages demanding control. Our brains become battlegrounds.: <---…

Doing what I know best, resolution #3

Resolution #3 is Lose Weight. Easy peasy, right? I've done it before, many times over the years. The problem is really two-fold: losing the weight is only half the battle, keeping off the lost weight is part two of the battle. Part two is where I always struggle. Not that losing weight in the first place is easy, it's not, but maintaining the loss, now there's a real challenge.

I've been watching my weight creep up the last few months, now I'm 22 pounds above my lowest weigh-in last year. I have all kinds of excuses but none of them matter. What matters is where I am right now.

How am I going to get "there" from "here"? Here being 178 pounds and there being 145pounds (my new goal weight). That's 33 pounds of fat that I need to lose.

1. Journal. I know it sounds easy and it is easy. It's also a big old pain in the butt, but at the same time, it's a necessary evil. Journal and lose weight, don't journal and gain weight. Hmmm...which …