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Showing posts from October, 2010

Halloween Eve

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It's 6pm, and I'm sitting here in my gray banshee wig and witch costume. I'm wearing outrageous eye makeup with black eyebrows, black glitter eye shadow and red lipstick. I have black spider stickers on each side of my face. I'm waiting for the little ones to start ringing the doorbell, yelling "Trick or Treat!". I already have a headache. I hate wigs. This is the last year I'll be wearing a wig. I forgot how uncomfortable they can be (although I had on a different one last week and it wasn't this bad). 

I've never dressed up for the kids before. I don't know why I decided to do so this year. It seemed like a good idea at the time. We have a lot of kids on my street and they all know me. The last few years I made the decision that I was sick and tired of handing out candy that I couldn't eat and it wasn't good for the kids anyway. So we'd turn off all the lights and head out to a scary movie at the theater. Talk about being a Hallo…

It's not the collapse that defines you...it's how you handle it

Post binge
After writing about my major binge on Thursday, I was astoundingly not hungry on Friday. This surprised me because usually after a binge, I'm hungrier and find it just about impossible to get back on track.

Yesterday I didn't even think about eating until about 3pm. I only ate then because I knew I really shouldn't go all day without eating. I ate lightly and slept well last night. Very unusual.

The urge, the lapse and the collapse

Today's Weight Watcher meeting seemed to be tailor made for me. The topic was how to handle a collapse, and that our secret weapon is POSITIVE SELF TALK. It's all about giving ourselves the freedom to fail. Forgiving ourselves when we do and then moving on.

Our leader, Janis (Federal Way, WA and I love her!) gave an example of how it starts. Let's say you have a bag of Halloween candy bars to hand out to the trick or treaters...

1. You have an urge to eat the candy. What do you do? You can ignore it, or do something else …

It happened one night...a full-blown binge

It's strange how the harder I try to be "good", and the more I focus on thinking about always doing the right thing with food and exercise, the more obsessed I become with the idea of binging.

Yesterday was the culmination of weeks of work stress. There was some marriage stress mixed in there too but I think we've worked through that and are back on pretty solid ground. Things are winding down at work too, finally there's a feeling of calm after weeks and weeks of intense pressure to work faster and harder, along with major stress.

So what the hell happened? I don't really know how to explain it other than something just came over me. I've been feeling really hungry lately, but eating very clean, very healthy. Maybe my portions have sometimes been a little on the large side, but I haven't been gaining weight, just holding steady in the the 174-175 range. Not at all where I want to be (135).

I shop at a Northwest grocery store, Fred Meyers. It's a…

Another day, another dollar

I'm still alive! Work is kicking my butt again. Even though I promised myself only eight-hour days from here on out, sometimes it's just not possible. Considering the hours I've been working the last few months I'm probably working for minimum wage. Sad but true.

Although my manager did give me the "Parking Spot" award last week along with a $100 gift certificate for a dinner out. A nice gesture but I'm still working for minimum wage. The parking spot means I get to park in the spot of my choice for a month (next to the front door) with my name on the parking spot. I think this is the fourth time I've been given the parking spot in the last three years. It basically just tells you that I work too many hours.

I still haven't made it to a Weight Watcher meeting. This Saturday I've promised myself to go back to my favorite meeting and favorite leader. I'll have my official weighin, sit through the meeting, and once again start tracking my f…

The endless journey

"The Endless Journey" might have been a better choice for my blog name. There are so many twists and turns in trying to figure out the right way to lose weight or even if there is a right way, that this journey is never going to end. It's a lifelong process trying to figure out what works. 

Some people figure out what works for them very quickly in the game, some people give up and never figure it out. Then there are people like me, learning something new every single day, that have some of the answers, but certainly not all of them.

Geneen Roth's book Women, Food and God provides a lot of the answers on what's wrong with me. It works if you follow her guidelines. If you don't, it doesn't work. It's just like every other plan, you can't just read the book, attend a workshop and then forget about it. You have to continue to work at it.

What I'm finding is that it's not easy to feel the pain instead of eating. In fact, it kind of hurts lik…

The lost weekend

I said I'd post my driver's license pictures from the last twenty years today. I started to but after fighting with Photoshop for about an hour trying to crop them and change the blurriness I decided I'm just to tired and it's past my bedtime. Maybe later this week. They all look like mugshots anyway so I'm not sure why I want to post them. Some of them are really bad pictures. Especially the one where I weighed 240 pounds that was taken five years ago. I look like I'm wearing a fat suit.

My weekend was okay, but I worked both days. Saturday from home and today I went into the office. All I can say about that is "yuk". Not fun to work on the weekends. I want my life back.

My scales lured me back on to them today. Old habits are hard to break. I was actually down to 173.6. So I actually lost the 1.4 I gained plus another .4. In the big picture, that's really nothing. I still want to lose at least another thirty or more pounds, but I refuse to go on…

I'm amazingly okay with my weight gain

Today is my weigh-in day. After a full week of practicing Geneen Roth's Women Food and God eating guidelines I stepped on the scales. I knew I had gained a little. Over the years I've become very attuned to the ups and downs of my weight. I always know if it's going to be a gain or a loss.

Before I looked down at the number I had a conversation with myself. It went something like this:

"Diana, it's okay. If you've gained and you probably have, it's not a big deal. This is an experiment. Something new you've never tried before. It's just a number. It doesn't define you. Remember, this was a good week regardless of what you see on the scales."

I looked down and saw 175.4. Last week I was 174.0. A gain of 1.4 pounds. Did I have just a twinge of regret? Yes, just a twinge. Not a foot-stomping, full-out "I hate myself" reaction that I would normally have over a weight gain.

I realize I don't really understand when I'm hungry. …

What it means to me: Eating Guideline #1 Eat when hungry

When I first read Geneen Roth's Women Food and God last July, I was very excited. It was all I could talk about. I was about three fourths of the way through the book when I read about the Eating Guidelines.

I couldn't wait to read the "Eating Guidelines". So I skipped ahead to page 111, eagerly reading what I just knew would change my life.

Guideline #1 - Eat when hungry.

What the hell? I was angry. Furious at this Geneen Roth woman. She must be a freaking idiot to write such nonsense. Eat when hungry? Seriously? Excuse me lady, but that's what got me up to 240 pounds. If I had kept eating when I was hungry, in a few years I would weigh five hundred pounds. I'd become a bed person and they'd have to cut down the walls to get me out of my house. Eating when hungry? Who would think of such foolishness?

I felt like I'd been scammed. Cheated. I was hungry 24 x 7. I thought of food continually. If I really ate when I was hungry, I'd never put down m…

Healing thyself

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During the past four days I've come the realization just how sick I was when it came to food. I have abused it my entire life.

Tonight as I was eating dinner, distraction free, I realized this is the first time I wasn't either on a diet of some kind or in the midst of a full-blown binge. I'm a black and white kind of gal, either I'm on a diet or I'm not. If I'm not, then it's a literal food fest, eating anything and everything in sight.

For four days I've eaten like a "normal" person. I haven't binged, eaten in the middle of the night, or eaten mindlessly. I haven't stuffed myself until my tummy hurt. I haven't eaten in front of the TV or while reading reading a book or while on the laptop. I haven't had crazy cravings or felt like I was going to die if I didn't eat something or in some cases, everything.

I also haven't abused my new found freedom. I'm eating a few things I haven't eaten in a really long time. …

It's just the beginning

After my long, soul-searching post yesterday, I feel about a million times better about my life. I know it's only been a couple of days, but I feel so different that it's hard to put it into words.

For the first time in my life, I'm not consumed by thoughts of food. When will I eat? What will I eat? How much will I eat? Will I eat too much? Will I eat the wrong thing? Will I gain weight if I eat that? Will I have a binge today? Will I lose control?

It's like I've been under an evil spell for over forty years. A spell that was cast on me to always make me worry about what I eat. To always be fearful of food. To always have food be in control of me and not me in control of it.

It's like I found the source of my pain, which was actually compounded by how I've handled the pain, discomfort, sadness, and loneliness in my life. I avoided it. I ate to stop the feelings. I refused to face the pain because it just hurt too much. Instead, it was better to eat away t…

Why I've been broken all these years

Some of what I learned at Geneen Roth's Women Food and God workshop this past weekend...

For as long as I can remember I've never understood my relationship with food. I'd read about other people struggling with food the same as me, but they always seemed to have a tragic story in their background. It made sense why they turned to food for comfort.

For me, it just didn't make any sense at all. I've had a fairly good life. My childhood was the life of a princess. I was loved and cared for, I was told I was the most beautiful and the smartest girl in the world. I was told I could do anything, be anything. I was spoiled and showered with not only love, but worldly possessions as well. I thought we were rich when I was a kid. I learned later in life that my parents were of modest means, but they sacrificed a lot so I could have whatever I wanted. I was blessed with a loving family and a good life.

Since I was about thirteen years old I've had an unnatural relation…

Geneen Roth's workshop - Day 2

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Grace and me at the Women Food and God workshop

I got a lot more out of this workshop than I expected. I don't even know where to start. I learned things I didn't expect to learn, and I didn't learn things I thought I would learn. The workshop isn't just about our relationship with food, it's about a lot more. It's about our relationship with ourselves.

I have a lot I want to write, but I'm exhausted. It was extremely emotionally draining. Looking inside of myself isn't exactly a fun thing to do. There's a lot of pain involved. I promise I'll write more details about this later. I've been jotting down notes all night, but can't quite get my thoughts together on it yet.

Also, Geneen isn"t "skinny", she's just a very small, petite woman. She's very healthy looking.

I loved hanging out with Grace all day. She's just a total kick in the pants, and she made what could have been an intensely emotionally unpleasant…

The best part of the Geneen Roth workshop

It's midnight and once again, I can't sleep. Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever sleep again. Insomnia sucks.

Tonight I attended the first three hours of the Geneen Roth "Women Food and God" workshop. Tomorrow is eight more hours. Remember I read the book last July and got on the G.R. bandwagon. Quoting the book. Saying it was the best thing since sliced bread.

You may have (or may not have) noticed I stopped talking about her and the book. I sort of fell out of love with the whole idea of intuitive eating and Geneen.

I almost didn't even go to the workshop. Luckily I was able to make contact with a fellow blogger that lives in the area. I knew she was also attending the workshop. We'd never met but had exchanged a few emails over the last couple of years.

Meeting Grace was absolutely best part of the evening! Grace from Grace's Notes (and formerly from 55 Alive and Losing It). OH. MY. GOSH. I love her! It's like I've know her my entire life. She…

Today was a little piece of hell

I just got home. It's almost 11pm. Our beta software release (that I was in charge of the deployment) literally went to hell in a handbasket. I won't bore you with details but we had a rollback after major problems and then I spent ten hours with various developers and my manager trying to figure out what went wrong and how to fix it. The list of what went wrong is long. A shorter list would be what went right. As one dev said, it was a major FUBAR. Don't know what that means? Google it. :)

I have my alarm set for 4:50am. I am going to the gym come hell or high water. Actually, today was sort of like hell. Major high stress. I didn't realize until 8pm I had not gone to the bathroom or drank any water or had a bite to eat...all day. Today, of all days, I skipped breakfast and skipped the gym. I just wasn't hungry and I was tired so slept in until 7am.

Little did I know I wouldn't be eating anything until 8pm. My manager brought me a turkey Subway at 2pm but I di…

Graciela...Grace...where are you?

Help! Does anyone know how to contact Grace? She had two blogs, 55 and Losing It, and a newer blog, Grace Notes. She hasn't posted anything since August 24. I miss her blogging, but I really need to talk to her.

We were suppose to meet up at the Geneen Roth workshop in Seattle this weekend (the Women Food God workshop). Unfortunately after searching my emails I can't find the email with her contact information. Which is odd because I rarely delete emails, and I remember specifically when we exchanged emails (I was on vacation in July).

If you know how to contact Grace, please let me know. I'm actually more excited about meeting Grace than hearing Geneen talk.

Speaking of the workshop, I'm not as over the top about the book God Food and Women as I was back in July. I wrote several posts about how wonderful it was and how I felt like Geneen was speaking to me.

Perhaps at the workshop I'll gain some new insight I didn't get from the book. I think it'll be int…

It's not allergies

I woke up this morning feeling extremely tired. My nose was itchy and stuffy. I thought it was just allergies.

It really didn't occur to me I might have a cold. Even though my coworkers and my husband were sick this past wwek with a cold, I just assumed because I'm so strong and healthy it wouldn't take me down.

I was wrong. I'm beyond miserable right now. You know the feeling. Stuffed up nose, sore throat, agony.

Other than that, I had a good day.

1.) I restarted my scarf.

2.) Read another chapter in "Such A Pretty Face". The further I get in this book the more I love it.

3.) Grocery shopped.

4.) A great gym workout (36 minutes cardio, 40 minutes weight lifting).

5.) Stopped fighting with my husband. Last night we had a very bad disagreement. That always seems to happen when one of us gets totally wrapped up in work. We've made our apologies and things are good.

6.) Dropped off another bag of junk treasures to the Goodwill. My closet is looking good wit…

The non-weight loss goals

I'm trying not to put all my attention on my weight loss efforts because, well, because it makes me nuts. Totally and absolutely nuts. Not to mention it's as boring as watching paint dry.

For three years it's been my focus. Oh heck, it's been my focus for the past forty plus years. Off and on for all those years I worried about my weight. I'm still concerned about it, but I can't give it 100% of my attention 100% of the time.

The two non-weight loss goals for the week were knitting and reading. It turns out I love both! I knew I loved reading, but the knitting is a bit of a surprise to me.

The knitting is so much more rewarding than I remember. It's fun to actually create something useful with my own two hands. Sadly though, I was half-way done with the scarf when I realized there was a problem. Way back on about row four (I was on row fifty) it appeared I had dropped a stitch and there was a hole in my scarf! I counted the stitches and sure as anything I…

The longer I do this the harder it is to do

I know it just doesn't make any sense, does it? Given all my knowledge about weight loss and Weight Watchers and South Beach and Jenny Craig and NutriSystems and every other diet I've ever tried, this should be a walk in the park by now.

So tell me, why does it seem harder now than ever before in my life? I simply don't get it.

In the last three years I went from 240 pounds down to 152 pounds, then up to 174, then down to 156 then again up to 174. It's like I'm stuck in a rut and I can pull my self out of it. 

Honestly, I'm just sick and tired of myself and my weight. Every day all throughout my day I think about my weight. They say guys think about sex every 30 seconds, I think about food at least that often or more.

It's like I've broken whatever it was in me that was doing so well. It's like I almost don't even care anymore. My size 12's are snug. Not unbearably tight, yet. They could be with another 10 pounds. They're not loose and…