Showing posts from January, 2011

Woulda, shoulda, coulda


"For many of us, there is a clear distinction between what actually happened and what we wished would have happened in a given situation. Sometimes people realize a number of options they could have or should have taken instead of the action they actually took. This feeling of regret or second-guessing is summed up in the expression woulda coulda shoulda."

A friend of mine made a new year's resolution to stop her "woulda coulda shoulda" habit. Each time she says one of these words she has to put a quarter in a jar. She then proceeded to tell me about her vacation, and said "we should have made our reservations....". She stopped, and said "whoops! Another quarter!".

It's so easy to slip into a pattern of regret, where we wish we'd made different choices. We often criticize ourselves for making bad choices, thinking we could have, should have, done things differently. I often do this to myself, then I proceed to bera…

The wine was my downfall

After three days of being really good, eating on plan, feeling a few hunger pains during the day (a good thing),and having a late night healthy snack at 9pm each day that seemed to put a stop to my binges, I totally blew it.

It started out well yesterday, healthy breakfast, healthy lunch, and super busy at work. So busy that it took me four hours to eat my salad of spinach, shrimp, and clementines with balsamic vinegar and a teaspoon of oil. It's my latest most favorite lunch (at home I add a little red onion, but not at work). I worked through lunch, with  barely time to eat a few bites, then meetings all afternoon. I'd grab a few bites between meetings. A crazy day.

I had a fantastic workout yesterday, as I have every day this week, plus I've been doing our three flights of stairs at work twelve times during lunch each day, 720 steps (except yesterday). Every morning 110 to 120 flights on the StairMaster, plus 40 minutes of strength.

Then my eating plan went all to heck.…


Tonight I watched the new A&E show, Heavy. Most of the reviews I've read by other bloggers weren't very positive, but I liked it. I wouldn't call it entertainment because it was difficult to watch. It wasn't really educational either because I already know how to lose weight. Yet I was compelled to watch it.

There was a woman that weighed 278 pounds and a man that weighed 555 pounds. I identified with the man because of his weight. I'm positive I have the propensity to weigh 555 pounds. My husband, friends and relatives all tell me I'm crazy to say I could weigh over 500 pounds. They really don't know me. They can't grasp how I view food. They don't understand the ongoing battle in my head about eating.

This is a conversation I had last night with my husband, Jack.

Me:  Do you ever eat just because you're bored or lonely or sad, but not really hungry?
Jack:  No. I eat when I'm hungry. Why would I eat if I wasn't hungry?
Me:  To make …

Déjà vu...January of last year...

I'm working from home today and just pulled a notebook out of my bookshelf to use for writing down some notes. I flipped it open and there, dated January 24, 2010, I had written the following:

Day 1 - January 24, 2010 - 179.0!

* Do NOT screw up today. I work out so hard, I don't want to waste all that work for nothing. Remember, food is not comfort!

This notebook actually has the first date in it of April 8, 2005. I weighed 220 pounds. It's kind of sad to go back and look at five years of me trying to lose weight, succeeding, then failing, over and over again. I feel sorry for this woman.

I really feel like I'm living that movie, Groundhog Day.

Are men smarter than women when it comes to weight loss?

I've noticed men rarely talk about their feelings on their weight loss blogs. Generally, men don't talk about comforting themselves with food or stuffing down sad feelings with food. I wonder if they even think about a connection between food and feelings.

Men don't talk about the self-criticizing voice in their head, constantly spewing out mean comments about themselves. Do they even have this voice, telling them they're fat, ugly and stupid? That they have big thighs and a saggy tummy. No, I don't think so.

With most women, including myself, it's an entirely different story. We constantly analyze ourselves, we try to figure out why we overeat and how we can overcome it. We talk about our emotional relationship with food and how it affects us. We talk about shutting down the mean voice in our head.

I can't recall of a single man writing the kind of things that women write about on weight loss blogs. Men are pretty straight forward about it, eat less, exerc…

Why I'm fat - Part One

I've been trying to write this post for over a week. I would write a couple paragraphs on the topic, read it the next day and delete it. I've done this several times. In an effort to prevent this from being the longest post ever written, I'm breaking it into parts.

Part One - How I deal with emotional pain

The simple answer of why I'm fat is that I eat too much. The not so simple answer is something I've been trying to figure out my entire life. It's about so much more than the fact that I like to eat. There's a reason for my issues with food, and although I think I understand the "why" of my situation, I've yet to figure out how to fix it. Notice I said how to fix "it". I'm finally understanding that it's not really me that needs to be fixed, it's a behavior of mine that needs to be fixed.

As a member of the Dead Daddy Club (a phrase coined by Roxie) I learned at a young age how to deal with pain. At barely 13 years ol…

Let there be light

Yesterday's post was pretty depressing. I almost deleted it when I read it this morning. I guess we all have days where we're a little off (I was way off!). The day actually got a lot better, the sun came out and that always cheers me up.

I bought my ankle weights yesterday. The store only had three and four-pound ankle weights. I thought that wasn't going to be heavy enough. I was hoping to buy heavier weights, more like eight or ten pounds for each ankle. I purchased the pair of four-pound weights and headed off to the gym.

When I got to the gym and pulled the weights out of the box I thought, wow, this four-pound weight is actually really heavy. Four pounds sounds like nothing to me. Well, it turns out that four pounds on each ankle is really HEAVY!

I strapped on the weights and as I walked to the StairMaster I could really feel the heaviness of the eight pounds. It was like walking through mud. I climbed on the StairMaster and had the workout of my life. I did thirt…

Hawaii is off, I can't lose weight and life kind of sucks

This isn't a happy post because I'm not feeling very happy.

The Hawaii trip isn't going to happen. It's a long, sad story. Basically my sister that lost her husband of 52 years in November of 2009, doesn't want to go back to Hawaii without him. Their last big vacation together was in Hawaii. I totally understand. I'm just a little sad that we can't all go and have fun together. Maybe next year.

About my weight. I just don't know what to say anymore. I feel like I constantly post about how I'm going to do this and all my great plans, then I fall flat on my face. I went down a couple pounds during the week, but today I'm back up to 180. My face fell into a bag of cookies and a lot of candy. I won't bore you with the details but six days of hard work can and was totally destroyed by one evening of total madness.

I'm trying hard to not totally hate myself right now. It's not easy. Even though I know it doesn't make me a bad person …

I'm so excited about....Hawaii!

I just got off the phone with my niece that lives in North Pole, Alaska (near Fairbanks, AK). It's currently -32 degrees (that's below zero). We're planning a girls' trip to Hawaii in March, my two nieces, my sister and myself. We kind of talked about it when I was there in December, but we decided to make it happen. It's going to be super fun.

The only trick is I have to be back by March 20 for the Big Climb, and we plan on leaving for Hawaii March 11.

I haven't gone on a "girls only" trip since college!

I skipped the gym this morning, on purpose. I've only had two days off in the last 16 days. I had a 7:30 a.m. breakfast date with my two best girlfriends at IHOP (ugh!). I had the Slim and Fit Mushroom and Tomato Omelet with fresh fruit for 5 Points (330 calories). It was actually pretty good, and I had them use egg substitute so maybe even a little less on the calories.

I love that they put the calories on the menus now. I think that's jus…

Internetless tonight

I've been without internet connection for the past five hours (except my phone, but that doesn't really count). It was almost as bad as when the electricity goes out.

I even tried to watch a Netflix movie through the box thing we have when it displayed "your internet isn't connected" message. Oh yeah, no internet, I forgot. So no Netflix. It makes me wonder how I ever lived without the internet.

My husband finally fixed it about 20 minutes ago, but it's 10:30p .m. It's past time my bedtime so I'm not writing much. I've been working on a post of why I gained 100 pounds. I'm too tired now to proof it before I post it. Tomorrow.

My story and my trigger

I read a really great post this morning written by Lynn at Lynn's Weigh (love her, she's another one of my heroes). She tells the story about the one thing that triggered her start towards being a weight loss success story. She realized she was worthy of good health.

Even though I'm not yet a weight loss success story, I will be one day. Here's the story of my one thing...

Flash to February 2006
After years of crash diets, Jenny Craig, NutriSystem, South Beach (the list goes on and on) I weighed 240 pounds. This was the heaviest I had ever weighed. In college I got up to 145 pounds and I remember how I thought I was such a fat pig. When I met my husband 25 years ago I was 132 (I'm 5' 6"). I was trying to starve myself to what I thought was my ideal weight of 125.

How did I get to 240 pounds at the age of 51? More importantly, why? I had difficulty walking. I wouldn't even attempt to climb the two flights of stairs to my office, I'd take the elevato…

Thank you & finding peace

Thank you!
Tonight I finally sat down and read all your sweet comments from my SOS post last Tuesday. Most of you can relate to my issues, and several of you feel like you're in the same boat. There were a lot of great ideas on how to beat my late night eating, things I'll be trying in the near future. You guys are very kind. Instead of just writing me off as a lunatic (which lately, I wouldn't blame you), you came to my rescue. I love you guys. You're the best.

******** Figuring things out This past week I've been trying to figure things out, trying to understand what is wrong with me, or even if perhaps there really isn't anything that terribly wrong. Other than the fact I've been running around in a totally chaotic, frenzied state regarding my weight, I think I just may be okay after all. As sweet Kelly! said, I'm not really "broken".

I've been totally obsessed with trying to find the perfect plan for me to lose weight. Count calories, c…

SOS: I just don't care

Yesterday I was talking to a friend at work. She's someone I've known for over twenty years, in different jobs at the same company. I really like this person. She's funny,  kind, and sweet. She also struggles with her weight, just like me.

About four years ago we did Weight Watchers together at work. It was my first time with WW and the weight fell off. I lost sixty pounds in seven months. The plan works if you work the plan (I know, a very trite but true saying). My friend also lost a lot of weight. When we both stopped Weight Watchers we both quickly gained the weight back.

I went back to Weight Watchers almost three years ago, lost 80 pounds and then gained back 25. I still go to Weight Watchers but I'm sitting  at 180.2 today (I want to be 135). She never went back and has gained a few more pounds.

As we were heating up our lunches in the lunchroom yesterday the topic of weight came up. It always does. She said she can be perfect all day every day until she gets h…

Choosing your hard

Losing weight is hard. Being fat is hard.
Choose your hard.
This isn't an original thought of mine, but I love it. Someone at my Weight Watcher meeting on Saturday said she read it on a blog on Sparkpeople. I Googled it and found the Sparkpeople blog that wrote it in Jan 2011, Lyn wrote it in a July 2009 post, and someone else wrote it in a caloriecount message board in 2008 (this was fun, it's weight loss mantras). I'm sure people have been saying this for a very long time. Regardless of who originally came up with the thought, it really hit home with me.

Last week was hard. I was hungry, and complaining constantly to anyone that would listen that I was starving to death. Even increasing my calories to 1,500 a day on Thursday didn't help. I was still insanely hungry. In addition my workouts were terrible. I've gone to the gym every day since Jan. 2 for an hour to an hour and half, but until yesterday every day was a struggle. I did it, but not with joy in my heart…

A return to sanity

I'm starting to wonder if I'll ever make peace with food. Today was suppose to be day number four of eating 1200 calories. My average calories for the previous three days was 1294 a day, not quite my 1200 goal.
My energy level was zero when the alarm went off at 4:45 a.m. today, my normal time to get up and head out to the gym before work. This morning I just couldn't do it. I was so tired that I shut off the alarm and went back to sleep.
When I finally woke up at 7:30 a.m. my husband had already left for work. I still felt like I couldn't get out of bed. I decided to stay home from work. I was so tired that even getting ready for work sounded like more than I could do. After two days back from a 25-day vacation I took a day off. I couldn't help it. My body and mind weren't cooperating.
I ate a healthy breakfast and then went right back to bed. I didn't get up until 11 a.m. When I finally got up I was still exhausted. I felt like I couldn't move.
I reali…

Allan is right, this is REALLY hard

I'm participating in Allan's Phase 4 challenge, well, at least I'm trying to do it. It's not that easy. He says it gets better, I sure hope he's right.

I don't weigh 141 like he has me listed on his chart of participants. I wish! I started at 181 on Sunday. I hope he doesn't show me gaining 40 pounds at the end of week one.

The Good
My size 12 jeans that I wore on the plane on Saturday that were too tight and cutting into my flesh, fit much better today. They were fresh out of the dryer this morning, and they're actually comfortable.

My manager bought us all really cool company logo insulated water glasses with a straw. I love it! I can add ice and it doesn't sweat like my stainless steel Nathan water bottle. I've actually been drinking more than my required 90 ounces of water (today was 116 ounces of water, plus coffee and tea - a little on the high side).

The bad
Allan said Phase 4 would be hard in the beginning and he wasn't kidding. It's b…

This was a very tough day

After 25 days of vacation I went back to work today. It's hard for me to get back into the swing of things after a long weekend. After almost four weeks, it was darn near impossible. I'm so tired right now I can barely stay awake.

Today is also the first day in a really long time where I was extremely careful with what I ate.  I'm doing an experiment through the end of January. I'm still counting Points, but I'm also counting calories. Double the fun, right?

I have my doubts about the new Weight Watcher PointsPlus plan. Zero Points for all fruits and most vegetables just doesn't seem right to me.

I know someone reading this is thinking 'she didn't get fat from eating too many fruits and vegetables'. That's probably true, but it's also true that I can consume massive quantities of fruits and vegetables. Six large bananas is 600 calories. I've easily eaten six bananas in a day several times in my life, in addition to my regular meals. I …

January 2, 2011 - 181 pounds

Pictures from the ice park at North Pole, Alaska. December 31, 2010

The vacation
I'm back from Fairbanks where I had a wonderful week with  my family. I'm blessed to have a really great family. We have a little dysfunctional stuff going on, just like any family, but we have a lot of fun together. I was actually crying on the plane after leaving them yesterday. I miss them already.

You can see from my title I didn't do so well with the weight loss this last week. I actually gained four pounds in the week I was in Fairbanks. Even though my sister normally eats really healthy, her children (my nieces and their families), well, not so much.

My nieces, sister and myself started off the week going to the gym Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday. My 72-year old skinny (and beautiful) sister usually goes five days a week. On Thursday and Friday we just wanted to stay home, relax and visit, so that's exactly what we did.

For New Year's Day everyone decided on Papa Murphy's piz…