Tuesday, January 25, 2011


Tonight I watched the new A&E show, Heavy. Most of the reviews I've read by other bloggers weren't very positive, but I liked it. I wouldn't call it entertainment because it was difficult to watch. It wasn't really educational either because I already know how to lose weight. Yet I was compelled to watch it.

There was a woman that weighed 278 pounds and a man that weighed 555 pounds. I identified with the man because of his weight. I'm positive I have the propensity to weigh 555 pounds. My husband, friends and relatives all tell me I'm crazy to say I could weigh over 500 pounds. They really don't know me. They can't grasp how I view food. They don't understand the ongoing battle in my head about eating.

This is a conversation I had last night with my husband, Jack.

Me:  Do you ever eat just because you're bored or lonely or sad, but not really hungry?
Jack:  No. I eat when I'm hungry. Why would I eat if I wasn't hungry?
Me:  To make yourself feel better?
Jack:  How would eating food when I'm not hungry make me feel better?
Me:  I don't know. I was just wondering if you've ever done that before.
Jack:  No. Never.

No one really knows me when it comes to food. Not even the man I've been married to for almost 23 years. Most people in my life don't understand that I often eat when I'm not hungry. It just doesn't make sense to the normal person. I use it as a way to deal with stress and unpleasantness in my life. If I actually ate when I wanted, I would most likely be eating non-stop. It's a scary thought that I could very easily lose control with food.

I just have to take this a day at a time and continue the fight. 555 is a scary number and it's one I hope I never see.


Deniz said...

Hon, you are not alone. I know right where you are coming from and hope that is comforting, at least a little. If I didn't monitor my impulses every single day, I would (not could) regain everything I've lost and way more.

Stress & food are intrinsically linked in my world too. Way too much in life I've handled the former by resorting to the latter. Started out as a major problem when I lost my Dad to suicide right when I was going through my first divorce.

Took me a long tome to see the pattern and 'do something' in the form of counselling, which helped a lot but didn't (cannot) 'solve' my problem.

It will be a lifelong commitment to not fall back onto the old destructive habits. I'm prepared to give it a shot - want to hold my hand and come along the way too?

Roxie said...

Diana, there are a lot of us that fully understand because we have those same issues. I am one of those people. I am on that same journey. For whatever reason, we just wired our brains to respond that way - probably because it was our only option at the time - now we have more options and a little more insight - and we can re-do our wiring. It's not really US - it's just a wiring issue - when all we had was a hammer, everything looked like a nail. When all we had was food, food became everything - sorta kinda.

Helen said...

Are you sure your husband's name isn't Mr. Helen?

I would even add that I can look at the food (doesn't matter if I'm choosing an apple or an apple pie) and think, "This isn't really going to make me feel better. In fact I might feel worse." AND THEN EAT IT ANYWAY.

ITA with Roxie. It's wiring.

Anonymous said...

I asked my husband, who has never been overweight, the same question. "Of course!" he replied.

My son is the same way. Both of them "LOVE!" food. They eat thousands of calories a day more than anyone else I know. Anything and every thing they crave. Most of what they eat is prepared at home, though, so at least there aren't a lot of preservatives and weird chemicals. Except for their nightly ice cream feasts. *sigh* I make their cookies, cakes, and brownies myself, so I know how fattening it all is. (If I didn't bake their sweets, they would just buy them from the store.) Both have happily proclaimed to be "sugar addicts."

It just boggles my mind sometimes. Of course, neither one goes to the gym...but somehow they have great musculature.

My daughter used to be the same way. But something seems to have changed recently, in her late 20s...now she has to think about her choices. I was sure hoping she would get her dad's genes.

I agree with the others. It is wiring.

Take care! Keep on keeping on. :)


Rettakat said...

I am convinced the problem is twofold: wiring, yes. But also emotional/mental.

I'm like you, Diana. I "know" how to lose weight. I know how much, what kind, when, where, etc etc etc. My battle is in my mind.

I can't imagine how it must feel for you to live with a loved one that doesn't have a clue how you feel about it. To not have close friends or family who understand.

I didn't have support in my "real" life when I started, but I can say they understood (even though it was not a priority for them at the time).

The other commenters are right... we, here, DO understand. I hope there is some way you can take that understanding, acceptance and support off the Net, and wrap it around you like a big hug!!!


Joy said...

It seems like most men don't have the connection between food and emotions like women do. Maybe it's because they deal with their emotions differently anyway.

One of my biggest problems is I eat when I'm bored. That's why I have to fight extremely hard to stay busy all of the time. If I don't I'll end up binge. I also eat sometimes when I'm sad. I remember when my sister got married and moved away I ate a whole box of Fudge Rounds and felt so disgusted with myself after.

So although your husband really can't relate there are plenty of people out there who do. You're not alone.

Anonymous said...

I don't watch TV, but I will watch every sunday at 10p.m. The exposed the truth that food is how some people deal with stresses and emotional issues within their lives. I cried watching HEAVY. I cried because I saw myself in them. I saw the battle that I have always had with food. Being healthy is a great battle with your mind!

100 Pounds said...

I'm the same way. I wonder if it's not something in our brain chemistry that rewards us when we eat more than other people. Maybe it's social. A while ago on my blog I talked about how my grandmother and mother show love through food.

I'm guilty of trying to fill a void by filling my belly.

I'm telling myself I could never let myself get heavier than I am right now, but I'm wondering if that might be unhealthy. I worry that if I do ever gain weight again, the gain could cause me to spiral.

bbubblyb said...

I haven't seen that show but might look for it. I know what you mean about those type shows being hard to watch. You know you and I are so similar too so I know how you feel. It is a daily battle but we know how to do it and that really is the key to know that we won't ever be 555 lbs in our life. For that matter, I don't think neither of us will ever be 200 again. We can do whatever we put our minds to. *hugs*

Janell said...

How can husbands know about eating to make themselves feel better!? They are already zoned out on TV, sex and beer.