Saturday, January 22, 2011

Hawaii is off, I can't lose weight and life kind of sucks

This isn't a happy post because I'm not feeling very happy.

The Hawaii trip isn't going to happen. It's a long, sad story. Basically my sister that lost her husband of 52 years in November of 2009, doesn't want to go back to Hawaii without him. Their last big vacation together was in Hawaii. I totally understand. I'm just a little sad that we can't all go and have fun together. Maybe next year.

About my weight. I just don't know what to say anymore. I feel like I constantly post about how I'm going to do this and all my great plans, then I fall flat on my face. I went down a couple pounds during the week, but today I'm back up to 180. My face fell into a bag of cookies and a lot of candy. I won't bore you with the details but six days of hard work can and was totally destroyed by one evening of total madness.

I'm trying hard to not totally hate myself right now. It's not easy. Even though I know it doesn't make me a bad person because I have an eating disorder, I can't help but feel there's something terribly wrong with me. Why on earth do I keep doing this to myself? As hard as I try, I can't figure out the answer to that question. I'm still working on trying to find the answer, but at this point, it's still an unknown.

I have The Big Climb looming in front of me on March 20. 1,311 steps. 69 floors. What the hell was I thinking to get a team of people together to do this? I certainly can't back out. I have to do it. I have a team of ten right now, and about ten others that said they're going to sign up. I'm the team captain. I'm a little freaked out about the whole thing. Lugging my fat ass up 69 floors. If you don't hear from me after March 20 you can rest assured I dropped dead of a heart attack.

In a few minutes I'm heading up to the store to buy ankle weights and then to the gym to do the StairMaster. I read somewhere that ankles weights and the StairMaster are good training for the Big Climb.

The dreary Seattle weather isn't helping either. I can't remember the last time I saw the sun. This morning the weather guy on TV made a big deal about what a great weekend we're going to have. What he meant was we're going to have dark, gray skies, no sign of the sun, but no rain. No rain is considered a nice weekend. Hey - the sun just popped out for a second as I wrote this. Weird. The skies are almost black but somehow the sun peeked out. Hmmm...maybe there's hope after all.

Sorry for my bad attitude today. I know people don't come hear to read doom and gloom. It's just how I'm feeling. I can't seem to get past it today, and I don't even feel like trying.


Grace said...

Oh, crap. Sorry about the cancellation of the Hawaii trip. :-( But that does mean you'll be here when Roxie is here. :-)

Diana, I know you, from both reading your blog and meeting you. You never give up. Don't beat yourself up. You said you have an eating disorder. I think that is true. Once you admit that you have an eating disorder (not just that you like to eat), then you have to figure out how to get better.

I'm not preaching, but as you know I didn't get better until I started therapy. It's at least something to think about. Something is going on with you and it's not just "the food." An ED doesn't get better with will power, or self-control, or white knuckles. FInally through therapy I am learning to really love myself. That's when we get better, when we realize our worth and learn to love outselves.

Love you lots, Diana. Please just think about what I said. said...

If doom and gloom is what you are feeling that is the way it is..The way I always say it..This is my online journal.So I don't really care how people see it!
But of course I always appreciate their advice!
That is sad that your trip is off! Maybe you could still go and go with somone else.A girlfriend maybe?
We all have bad eating days. So don't beat yourself up over it. The important thing is that you get right back to eating healthy.
That is a lot of stairs. best if luck with that!

Teresa Mof said...

Hey Diana, I am in Enumclaw and the sun is out right now :-) Seriously I so connected with your post. I have been sabotaging myself a lot lately and I have no clue why! I had been doing well and losing weight, it is weird I started at 238.6 and am bouncing around between 180 and 185 right now - sound familiar??? If you ever figure out why we do this to ourselves...please let me know!

Joy said...

Don't beat yourself up my friend. It's just a day and that one has come and gone. Today is a new day. Fresh new start. You can make a huge difference in today, turn you eyes on your goals and keep on striving for the win!! You can do this!!!!

Keep focused!

Julie said...

Good evening. Stopping by from Allan's blog. Sorry about your vacation not happening. That's gotta bite some. Hopefully you'll be able to do something else fun.
Get back on your weight loss journey and kick some butt. You can do it, you've already proved that with all that you've lost so far. Get back on the horse and ride like the wind. You can do it!!!
Take care and have a blessed weekend.

bbubblyb said...

Diana hope you get to feeling better just think at least you can pee and poo easily lol hugs

Lyn said...

Hugs Diana. I had a bad week too. We will get there, we just might take longer than we thought.

Heather said...

I've been at the same weight ever since WW released the new points plus plan. I have had bronchitis and a kidney infection with Christmas in between... but I only had one week where I didn't stay 100% on plan... so I'm right there with you: frustrated. My weight is stuck at 185 so ... ugh. Of course, the good news, I have MAINTAINED my weight for the past two months! Just wanted to let you know that you're not alone. And... I'm game for a trip to Hawaii any time! Of course... I could never afford to go... but if anyone wants to pay my way, I make a great travel companion. Ha!

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