Monday, February 21, 2011

Rising from the ashes

Where have I been?
I've been right here, even though I've been away from my blog for over a week. It wasn't a planned or intentional time away. It just sort of happened.

It started out with thoughts that maybe I was becoming a little too obsessive about my food and exercise. I was tired of constantly worrying about it, thinking about it, and condemning myself for my bad choices. I was even more tired of writing about it. Surely this couldn't be of any value to anyone who might read  this blog. Failure after failure. It was disheartening to say the least.

I decided to "relax" a little on the food front. That didn't mean I would go crazy, eating whatever and whenever I wanted. Instead I thought I could take a step back and try to figure out exactly what was wrong with me. Why do I have the compulsion to overeat?

I stuck with the exercise all last week, but Thursday and Friday were difficult days. I had to really push myself at the gym. When I was on the StairMaster Friday morning I felt like my legs were stuck in mud. Every step was torture. My lungs felt like they were on fire and going to explode. It felt about ten times worse than ever before. I couldn't figure out what was wrong with me. Late Friday I knew what was causing the problem. I had a cold.

It's not the flu, and I don't even have a fever. It's just a simple cold. Sneezing, painful sinuses, and coughing, and I feel like hell. Today is day three so I'm started to feel a little bit better. It's the first day I actually got up, showered, and put on real clothes.

I felt a little better after the shower, but now I'm exhausted and just want to crawl back into bed. I'm going to try to stay awake for most of the day because I had a terrible night of trying to sleep last night. Apparently my body had enough bed rest. At 1 a.m. I was tossing and turning, going in and out of various nightmares. It was a very bad night.

Zicam doesn't work for everyone
I tried Zicam for the first time because my girlfriend said it wonders worked for her. Every three hours for the last three days I've put one of those icky mint Zicam melt-away lozenges on my tongue, let it melt, then waited fifteen minutes before I could have a drink of water. Each time I was practically gagging at the chalky, icky, sickly sweet mint taste. I can't tell that I felt any better. In fact, I almost think waking up every three hours to take the lozenge may have made me feel worse. I expected a miracle. I didn't get one. I was still just as sick as the last time I had a cold.

A&E Heavy and rising from the ashes
This morning I watched two old episodes of "Heavy" On Demand. These were episodes I had missed. There was one line that has stayed in my head. One of the guests on the show, Sharon, said she realized she'd "have to be stringent about what she put in her body for the rest of her life".

I realized that's me. I'm not being obsessive when I track my food and worry about what I'm eating. I'm just trying to be healthy. There's nothing wrong with being "stringent". Because of my past and my compulsive tendencies with food, I have to try to be in control all the time.

It's really not such a bad thing to be vigilant about what I'm eating. Not everyone has to live like this, but just like the crack addict or the alcoholic, I have to be careful of what I'm putting in my body.

Stringent: rigorous: demanding strict attention to rules and procedures.

That pretty much defines what works for me. Following the rules, paying strict attention to what I eat. As far as what's driving me to overeat, I know what it is but it's not something I want to share here, at least not yet. It's deeply personal, and a little sad to admit. For now, I prefer to keep this part of myself private.

Even though I know why I overeat, it's still a challenge to stop it. It's something I've been doing for a very long time, and changing an old behavior is difficult, but not impossible.

My plan for my week is to gently ease back in to exercising tomorrow. It's been three days, and I'm itching to get back to the gym. Tomorrow morning will be a light workout.

On the food front, "stringent" will be my keyword. Weighing, measuring, tracking every bite. It's really not that hard. I've been doing it for over three years now. What's another twenty or thirty years? :)

Fun day tomorrow
Tomorrow I get to do something fun at work. Most of you know I work for an airline. Tomorrow I get to ride on a brand new Boeing 737-800 as it's flown from Boeing Field to Sea-Tac airport, and the airline takes delivery of the new aircraft.

We usually get a few new aircraft each year. This year there will be three new 737-800's added to the fleet. It's a very big deal when we get a new aircraft. The price is somewhere in the range of $80 million, and there's a lot hoopla surrounding the delivery. It means the company is doing good and growing. 

As a special treat for working on a difficult project, myself and 107 of my closest coworkers (kidding, I only know a few of them), will get to ride around for a couple hours, sightseeing Mt. Rainier and the Cascades. Of course, after two gorgeous sunny days here in the Northwest, the forecast is rain for tomorrow (darn it!).

It will still be fun to fly on a brand new aircraft and be part of the festivities. After 28 years with my company, I'm still very excited about a new aircraft.


Dawn said...

Sorry to hear you have been unwell and good you're on the mend now.
Its very good news you have found an understanding with yourself about your way forward. Stringent - sounds good. Not following what we are eating and not regulating intake and exercise is what got me in this mess. You have to find the right balance for you.
Take care and get better gently

Carrieheff said...

I was beginning to worry about you! Glad you are back on track and figuring things out. Figuring out why you overeat is half the battle! GOOD FOR YOU!!

M Pax said...

Really? It's been a snowy, icy mess this side of the Cascades.

Hope you're feeling better and enjoy your treat. Sounds fun.

Sarah G said...

Glad you're on the mend!

I heard Fitz & his sidekick on 107.1 the Wolf talking about being on that flight tomorrow too! They were joking about joining the mile high club, just not with each other. Lol

bbubblyb said...

Hope you have a really good day tomorrow. Sorry you're feeling sick. As for the food, well you know how you and I share the struggles with that so I don't have many words there other than stay strong, you'll be ok. *hugs*

Alan (Pounds Off Playoff) said...

Very cool that you'll get to ride the "delivery". I got a special tour of a 777 at Boeing Field several years ago...was pretty cool, but we never got in the air.

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Grace said...

Glad you are back! I think you have the same cold I had a few weeks ago. Seems like everyone I know has been sick...or is getting sick.

Since they took the Zicam nasal spray off the market, I have not had much luck using Zicam either. The throat spray seems pretty ineffective to me. My theory is that the germs are lurking in those nasal passages, and unless you get something up there to kill them, zinc is not really gonna help.

The flight sounds like fun. I hope the weather cooperates so you get a really good view of the scenery.

Anyway, glad to hear from you.