Wednesday, March 23, 2011

I didn't know I was so fat but pictures don't lie

Before Pictures (from the Big Climb March 20, 2011)

Rear view (ugh!)

It's weird how I often don't see my body as it really looks. When I weighed 152 two summers ago, and 166 last summer, I thought I was a fat pig. That's the picture on the lower right, me in the black size 10 skirt and pink top. 152 pounds and I thought I was fat.

Now that I'm fat again I don't see it when I look in the mirror. Even though the size ten's hanging in my closet don't even begin to fit, I still think of myself as the same person that weighed 152. It's like my head hasn't caught to the fact that I'm fat again. It's the opposite of what an anorexia thinks.

The pictures really hit me hard. Really? I'm really THAT fat?! Yes, Diana, you are really that fat. How fat am I? Read below.

My second weekly Weight Watchers meeting
Today was my first Weight Watchers At Work meeting. There were 28 employees at the meeting, each with their $130.20 check in hand for a 17-week series of meetings and e-Tools.

My company is picking up the additional 30% that Weight Watchers would normally charge. I work for an awesome company! Of course, it's in their best interest that we all get to a healthy weight to keep our insurance costs down, as well as take fewer sick days. Smart move on their part, and I get to benefit from it.

I'm very excited about this meeting. I'm not new to Weight Watchers. I've been going to meetings for three years non-stop. It annoys me that I haven't reached goal yet, but I also know that without the meetings I'd definitely be back up to my high weight of 240 pounds, plus a few extra for good measure. Going to two meetings a week is sort of like AA, where the alcoholic goes every day if possible. Like an alcoholic, I have a serious problem.

I weighed in at home this morning and was appalled I saw184 pounds. I decided to eat breakfast, have my cup of coffee and drink water all morning like normal. I'm not going to starve myself or go without water because I have a noon weighin.

The official weighin (are you sitting down because this is rather shocking):


Now I could make all sorts of excuses, I was wearing "heavy" clothes or I'd had food and water during the morning, or there was something wrong with the scales the leader brought to the meeting. That can't be my real weight! Seriously folks, it's my real weight. As real as it gets. 

My plan isn't to dwell on how horrible this is or how mad I am at myself for letting this happen. My plan is to get down to business and lose the weight!

I have my regular Weight Watcher meeting on Saturday, which I pay for online so I'll have two official weighins a week. I know that sounds kind of crazy, but I'm kind of crazy. My eating has become totally out of control with no accountability.

Now that I know how fat I am, I need to fix it.


Jasper said...
This girl lost weight. Fruits, vegetables, water, exercise. All the things I personally hate, but I don't think anyone has ever gained on fruits and vegetables.

Lynn Macke said...

You did it once and you will do it again! We are all in this together. I have done Weight Watchers so many times I am surprised they don't have me as the poster child for failure.

Roxie said...

Diana, it's just a number. You are beautiful - stunningly, drop dead gorgeous. Don't let the scale tell you any different. Don't tell yourself any different.

I love companies who provide such great service to their employees. It really is a win-win.

That is so very cool about the Idaho Spuds! What are the odds!

Now a random question - who's the guy on the plane? Bick asked me that question the other day and I didn't know the answer.

BrendaKaye said...

I just did the same thing yesterday...feeling great after my walk outside I took a couple pictures of myself. Same results...the pictures don't lie, and I look way bigger than I think I look.

Biz said...

I can relate to the opposite of anorexia. I was never overweight until I stopped being an athlete in college - I gained 90 pounds in a matter of a few years - and even though I was buying bigger clothes, I always thought I looked good!

It wasn't until my stomach touched my steering wheel that I finally faced the music.

When I lost 70 pounds in 1999, it was at a Weight Watchers at work - I had a great leader and it was fun. We can do it! :D

Carrieheff said...

I absolutely HATE looking at pictures of myself. I don't see that same person in the mirror and I haven't figured out why. My double chin doesn't look as big in the mirror as it does in pictures. My a** doesn't look as big either. So, I stay away from pictures as much as I can.

You can do it, you've done it before and you can do it again. I'm going to do it with you as well as all these other people who read your blog.

Anonymous said...

Diana the first step is facing the music. Coming out of denial. So you are on your way. You have taken the first step and you have taken step 2 of having a plan. Honestly I am proud of you that you stopped yourself and turned it around at 187----you still have over a fifty pound loss as a start. Hang in there. We all love how honest and authenic you are. This next time you get your weight down, I would bet money it will be for good.

Anonymous said...

I always hate having pics taken of myself, after losing a bit of weight and looking back at the pictures, I can see why I hated it so much. I am always camera shy, no matter what my weight is.. which is why it was hard to post pics on my blog but it's all about accountability.. atleast for me.. I wish u luck with your weightloss goals!

Dawn said...

You have a goal and you know what it is...and you WILL get there. The WW at w sounds wonderful.
I know what you're saying about hating photos of yourself and thinking they make you look fat..I think we ALL do this. Your gain is distressing for you but putting it in perspective...187 isn't where you want to be...but it could have been a whole lot worse and take a whole lot longer to lose. ( I don't know how long its going to take me to get as low as 187 but a very very long time for sure..) You can do this...just keep on going x

Anonymous said...

you look healthy and athletic and you really do not look fat. You have been very successful in exercise and keeping a lot of weight off and clearly becoming healthier. Think of all you have achieved! Press on... but don't be too hard on yourself!

Maria said...

Very inspiring blog...

Grace said...

I DO NOT think you look fat. I think you look very fit and strong. And beautiful.

That being said, if you still want to lose weight, have you thought about trying something besides Weight Watchers? It may not be the program for you.

jinxxxygirl said...

My perception of myself is so screwy! I know exactly what you mean. When i was at my lowest which was 172 i thought i was still a fat pig but i look at those pictures now and and man i looked good! LOL! So the lesson here i think is to love yourself whatever moment your in. 187 is not back in the 150's but neither is is 240. You could be back at 240 looking back at 187 thinking man i looked good! So embrace the 187. Accept it. ....and move on in the direction you WANT to go. You can do it girl! I know you can. Hugs! deb

bbubblyb said...

I think you look great too. In the pictures I saw a beautiful smiling woman with great athletic looking legs to me. I think it's about the picture you have of yourself in your head. Maybe it's time to rethink that image. I'm not saying don't try to lose weight if that's what you want but start appreciating the person you are today. You know I've told you before that we are close to the same weight and I'm at my goal. I had to stop thinking about the scale and start just living life to the fullest. I do believe maintenance has to be at a weight we know we can maintain for a lifetime too.

I believe the weight will come off when you are mentally ready. It really is about fixing the mind too. But then you know all that I am saying already. Hugs Diana, love the great person you are *smile*.

Anonymous said...

The reason I looked up this site is because I recently went to Disneyland and saw a picture taken on a ride. I was shocked to see....wait for it....that I WAS FAT! I know that I have gained weight and that my clothes weren't fitting but I did not think I was THAT fat! The mind is powerful I guess but pictures are more powerful...I am ready to start the diet and exercise process!!!!