As I struggle to get control of my eating and get my weight back down, I constantly wonder why this has to be so incredibly difficult. I know I'm not alone in these feelings. Almost everyone with a weight problem can relate. It's hard to constantly deprive myself of things I want to eat. For whatever reason, food makes me happy. It's just that simple.
Three years ago I was 240 pounds. I honestly don't know how I was walking around. I don't know how I held a job or how I managed to start going to the gym. Carrying around an extra hundred pounds on my body made life very hard.
Two summers ago I was 152, last summer I was around 166. Right now I'm at 182.2. Down 5.2 pounds from my last weigh-in on Wednesday. I'm still 30 pounds up from my lowest weight in the last three years. I've beaten myself up about this over and over.
The biggest thing I've noticed about this recent weight gain is how uncomfortable I feel in my own skin. More than anything, I'm embarrassed about the weight gain. How could I let this happen to me? Don't I even like myself? The answers to those two questions are sad. I let this happen to me because I don't care enough about myself to want to take care of myself. Like myself? Silly girl, of course not.
Added to the embarrassment is the discomfort. My clothes don't fit. Everything is tight. Every morning looking for something to wear is a challenge.
Added to the embarrassment and discomfort is the constant nagging fear that I'm going to end up where I started. Every morning I wake up and my first thoughts are "what did I eat last night?". If the answer is "nothing bad" then I'm happy. If the answer is "oh darn, I ate that entire box of Weight Watcher Truffle bars" then I'm miserable (that was my thought this morning).
My workouts the last two weeks have been hard. The more weight I gain, the harder it is to exercise. My body doesn't want to work hard, it just wants to lie down and sleep. Every day I push myself to exercise, but with the added weight on my body, I can really feel the difference. It hurts so much more to exercise at this heavier weight.
The bottom line is that it's really harder to be fat than it is to lose weight. Fat hinders my entire life. Being uncomfortable 100% of the time and hating myself because I'm fat is really no way to live.