Sunday, March 27, 2011

It's hard to lose weight but it's even harder to be fat

As I struggle to get control of my eating and get my weight back down, I constantly wonder why this has to be so incredibly difficult. I know I'm not alone in these feelings. Almost everyone with a weight problem can relate. It's hard to constantly deprive myself of things I want to eat. For whatever reason, food makes me happy. It's just that simple.

Three years ago I was 240 pounds. I honestly don't know how I was walking around. I don't know how I held a job or how I managed to start going to the gym. Carrying around an extra hundred pounds on my body made life very hard.

Two summers ago I was 152, last summer I was around 166. Right now I'm at 182.2. Down 5.2 pounds from my last weigh-in on Wednesday. I'm still 30 pounds up from my lowest weight in the last three years. I've beaten myself up about this over and over. 

The biggest thing I've noticed about this recent weight gain is how uncomfortable I feel in my own skin. More than anything, I'm embarrassed about the weight gain. How could I let this happen to me? Don't I even like myself? The answers to those two questions are sad. I let this happen to me because I don't care enough about myself to want to take care of myself. Like myself? Silly girl, of course not.

Added to the embarrassment is the discomfort. My clothes don't fit. Everything is tight. Every morning looking for something to wear is a challenge. 

Added to the embarrassment and discomfort is the constant nagging fear that I'm going to end up where I started. Every morning I wake up and my first thoughts are "what did I eat last night?".  If the answer is "nothing bad" then I'm happy. If the answer is "oh darn, I ate that entire box of Weight Watcher Truffle bars" then I'm miserable (that was my thought this morning). 

My workouts the last two weeks have been hard. The more weight I gain, the harder it is to exercise. My body doesn't want to work hard, it just wants to lie down and sleep. Every day I push myself to exercise, but with the added weight on my body, I can really feel the difference. It hurts so much more to exercise at this heavier weight.

The bottom line is that it's really harder to be fat than it is to lose weight. Fat hinders my entire life. Being uncomfortable 100% of the time and hating myself because I'm fat is really no way to live.

8 comments:

Maria_NJ said...

I feel your pain girl, I have dieted my whole life. I swear I have lost and gained 50 lbs more than I want to admit. If you get a chance please check out my blog, maybe we can be support for one another...Maria
http://mywaistlossjourney.blogspot.com/

Lyn said...

I feel it too. I am fighting the same battle. I think, for me, I really have to find some way to just "do it 100%" for a week and then the momentum keeps me going and it gets easier. Maybe for you, too? It is so easy to keep slipping once you start. That's the toughest thing for me.

jsh said...

I think a lot of us can relate to your struggle... I got back from a short 4 day trip and it has taken me almost 2 weeks to lose that weight I gained. The key is to get back at it and get your head right and the weightloss will follow. I still have 60 lbs I need to lose (I've lost 90 lbs in the last 3 years) and I am ready to fight this beast again... just don't give up.... Give yourself some credit... You have done really well to keep off the majority of your weightloss... now it's time to get tough and finish the job... and then we will face a whole new battle of maintaining....
I say.... bring it on!

Ron said...

We just have to keep after it Diana..... One would think, that we would get it..... someday.. and our lives and eating habits would change for the better for good... but so far that has happened for me......

Need to Get ME Back said...

I love the title to this. Couldnt be more true.

Try not to be hard on yourself, that just makes things worse. Think positive- you're still 60 lbs down and thats a big deal.

Ida said...

The only easy thing is gaining. Everything else is just hard.

bbubblyb said...

Love yourself Diana, try to find peace with yourself and with food. I really do think that is the key. On days I'm feeling good about me are the days I don't struggle with food. You do have to stop beating yourself up mentally. You have come a LONG way please give yourself some love and credit. We aren't our weight, please remember that. We are so much the same and what I've come to realize through my surgery is that I'm me, flaws and all and I have to be happy with this me TODAY, RIGHT NOW. Otherwise I will punish myself and slide backwards and none of us want that. 152, 166, 182 any of those numbers are just numbers. Remember that you are 10 times healthier today than you were 3 yrs ago and that's what is important. Hugs my friend.

Best way to lose weight said...

Hi my name is alvin, for the best way to lose weight I used Phentermine that I ordered from m
Rapid Advertising: edsheaven.net to help me lose weight fast, it works like a charm, I lost a lot of fat weight without doing any hardcore exercises!