When a weight loss blogger stops posting it's almost always a bad sign. Boy, is that ever true for me!
Tonight I looked back at my draft posts from the past week. These were posts I wrote, but could never actually make myself hit the publish post button. They had titles like "Disappointed", "Depressed", "Struggling". Each time I'd write about my life and re-read it, I'd think to myself, who would want to read this depressing stuff? If you weren't depressed when you started reading it, you'd certainly be depressed by the time you were done reading it.
I've had a bad few weeks. Actually it's been more like a bad few months. Okay, several bad months. About a week ago I seriously was considering the following: divorcing my husband, quitting my job, and completely giving up on ever trying to get to a healthy weight. I wanted to run away from everything, including myself. Definitely bad times.
I'm not getting a divorce, and I'm liking my husband a lot more this past week. I'm not quitting my job. Even though it sucks the life out of me at times, it's not a bad job. I love the company I work for and the people I work with. I like the work I do for the most part, I just need to figure out the life-work balance thing.
Weight loss or lack thereof
About getting to a healthy weight and how I've failed. Where do I start?
The last six months of trying to lose weight has not been successful. Almost every day was perfect from the time I woke up, all day until about 9 or 10 p.m. Then I just throw away an entire day's hard work and binge. Maybe it wasn't always an actual binge, but it was always too much food.
Usually I'd overeat healthy food, but a few times I bought candy or some other junk food and ate it late at night, alone. I probably did that four or five times in the last three or four months. Mostly I'd eat too much fruit or too much chicken, or some other healthy food but in a large quantity.
The last two weeks my exercise, the one thing I was good at doing, went south too. I was going to the gym at least five times a week, but most of my workouts were a struggle. I knew it was my 180+ weight that was making everything so difficult. A few weeks ago I was up to 187. I still went to the gym, but my eating wasn't good.
I've been going to my Weight Watchers meetings but not weighing in, and I stopped getting on my own scales at home. Not weighing every day is really a dangerous path for me.
Fortunately, whatever had been going on with me seems to have passed. Like my mom use to always say when I was having a difficult time in my life, this too shall pass...and it always does.
On Saturday I started tracking my food again and counting calories. I'm still struggling with the new Weight Watchers plan, the zero Points for fruit and most vegetables doesn't seem to work for me. I'm doing a hybrid of Weight Watchers, where I'm trying to follow their healthy eating guidelines, but also counting calories. When it comes down to the bottom line, it's really about the calories.
This morning I stepped on my scales at home. 182.2. Not much I can say about it. True, it's just a number, but it's also an indication of how poorly I've been doing with my goal of getting healthy.
Tomorrow I get to meet Roxie in person. She's here in Seattle for a workshop. Grace, another blogger, and I are meeting Roxie in downtown Seattle for lunch. I consider both of them great bloggers. I met Grace last fall at a Geneen Roth workshop and loved her. I just know I'm going to love Roxie too. I've been following both their blogs for a long time. I want to be them when I grow up (make that if I grow up).
Big Climb update
Five days until the Seattle Big Climb on Sunday. Obviously I'm not going to lose the twenty pounds or even the ten pounds I wanted to lose before the event. I've stopped beating myself up about it. I can't change my past behavior so there's no purpose served by crying about it. I screwed up. Plain and simple.
In preparation for the Big Climb, I've been climbing the stairs at the Sea-Tac DoubleTree on my lunch hours. Last week on Tuesday and Thursday, and again today. Fourteen floors, climbed six times, or 1,350 steps. I don't take the elevator down, but walk down the stairs. It takes me thirty minutes for up and down fourteen times, and burns 230 calories according to my Polar heart rate monitor. Plus I've been doing the StairMaster at the gym almost every day. I keep thinking it's going to get easier, but it's still a killer every time.
Tomorrow after lunch with Grace and Roxie, my plan is to climb the stairs in the downtown Sheraton, 34 floors. If I climb it twice it'll be 68 floors, comparable to the 69 floors in the Columbia Tower for the Big Climb on Sunday. I'm sure it's going to be a challenge but I want to see if I can do it without passing out. :)
Thankfully my workouts are back to normal. I feel stronger and have more energy. I'm starting to feel like my old self.
My plan for the next week is to keep exercising, keep tracking my food and get back to daily posts. Even if my life isn't going perfectly, it helps to write about it. I'm back.