Saturday, April 23, 2011

I made a deal with the devil

Well, the deal isn't actually with the devil, but with Marianne Williamson.

First, the bike ride
I just finished my first bike ride of the spring. I rode once last February when we had a sort of nice day, but today the weather was perfect. Have I ever mentioned how much I LOVE bike riding? It's my favorite way to get in my cardio, and according to my heart rate monitor I burned 550 calories just bike riding (it's only eight miles but very hilly).

I stopped at the gym on my return and completed a full hour of upper body weights doing a new routine. I found a DVD I purchased about three years ago but never watched until this morning. I watched it and wrote down the exercise to do at the gym. I work out better there than I do at home. The routine uses dumbbells only, nine exercises, three sets of 15 reps, three exercises each for deltoids, triceps and biceps. It took me the entire hour plus to finish the routine and my arms ache now. Then I rode my bike home. I was/am exhausted!

Biking is at at least a hundred times more fun than any of the boring gym cardio equipment. The fresh air and sunshine does wonders for the soul. Yes, I said SUNSHINE! In Seattle! With a balmy 64 degrees. It's a little piece of heaven on earth when the sun shines here.

The deal
Now about my deal with the devil. When I purchased Marianne Williamson's "A Course In Weight Loss" I made a promise to myself that I would read the entire book and give it a chance. I buy a lot of weight loss books and as you can tell from reading my blog, none of them have really helped me. Probably because I never really give them a chance.

Honestly, I don't like this book very much (it's a bit too Zen-Buddhist/new age for me) . I'm still on lesson one. It's called Tear Down the Wall.

This is what Marianne says on page 20:

Your first lesson focuses on the following visualization:  the image of excess weight as a brick wall you are carrying around. This wall has been built by your subconscious mind; its purpose is to separate you from other people and from life itself. Your fear has built the wall, and love will tear it down.

Looking closely, you see that every brick has something written on it:

A few of the words (she actually lists 26 words, but you get the idea):


Shame
Anger
Fear
Forgiveness
Judgement

You select the words that you can relate to, that you have in your past. She says: by allowing yourself to look and to feel, you will ultimately understand. This is a meaningful opportunity to see your light, by being courageous enough to look at your darkness.

She has a paragraph for each word, and you're suppose to fill in the blank for the words that apply to you.  For example:

Shame:  I am ashamed of ________________________________________.
Perhaps you acted foolishly, and cringe to think that other people still remember...
Do not go unconscious. Write it all out.

I sort of like the "Do not go unconscious" part since I do that a lot when it comes to bad feelings or sad emotions. I'd prefer not to think about them. Perhaps this is my problem.

This is a very painful exercise and not one I'm enjoying. However, I'm determined to follow through on this course, regardless of the bad memories it's dredging up from my past.

Funny but true, I'm not an Oprah fan in the least and the book is dedicated to Oprah. Cracked me up. 

My Weight
I missed Weight Watchers this morning. I just couldn't seem to get going in time to make my 11:15am meeting (I was still in my PJs!). I weighed at home and was a little upset by what I saw. 187.4. Not good. I'm trying hard to not beat myself up about this, but to just get back on track.

My plan for this week is to track everything I eat with eTools, follow portion control (two cups of frozen cherries is not a portion nor is eight ounces of chicken breast). I also want to follow the healthy eating guidelines as closely as possible.

I'm feeling pretty positive at the moment, but I'm also afraid as soon as I delve back into that book I'm going to be sad again. Do you really think you have to look at the darkness to see the light? That just doesn't make a lot of sense.

5 comments:

Roxie said...

Well, I'm a big believer in "the truth shall set you free", so examining those dark truths or beliefs and exposing them to some logic and light has been very helpful to me. Each of us get to where we are for different reasons and what works for one, may not work for another.

YAY for the bike ride - I know you are hoping spring will arrive (and stay)! I didn't ride today, but will try for tomorrow.

Happy Easter!

Alan (Pounds Off Playoff) said...

I spent all day at Little League games, not far from the bike trail. Would have loved to be out there on this beautiful day. Glad you were!

safire said...

If you do have reasons for being overweight other than overeating, there is some merit in looking into the reasons why you gained the weight in the first place. I have read on several blogs and posts though that some people just gained weight for no reason. I did have to do some soul-searching for me to be successful this time around :) realizing I was losing weight for other people and not myself was a big revelation after all these years of yo-yo dieting.

Have a wonderful Sunday! Good luck next week! You can stay on track!

hopefulandfree said...

My first impression: ouch. (To M.W.'s ideas).

But then, I think: have courage, be bold...

I DO believe it's good to let the pain out. Or at least to find a different way to let it have its *say*, other than carrying it around as a burden of body weight, which I did for decades.

I recall many amazing photos you have shared here on your blog, and I'm wondering now if photography--or some other artistic expression--might serve you as an option to carry some of the rawest feelings when they seem overwhelming.

Me? I have no talent for taking photos, yet I can imagine you could create some unique images...perhaps to help yourself (and others) glimpse the depth of feelings that often cannot find their way to the surface by any other means (such as words.)

Be gentle with yourself; art need not become another way to criticize self, but instead may liberate.

Carrieheff said...

I have heard time and time again that being fat is "not about the food." I am torn about this because there are days when I don't think I'm emotionally eating, but I still want bad/unhealthy things. I have also heard that you start some habits for one reason and continue them for another so maybe that's part of it too. It's just my habit to eat badly. I read part of that book and was turned of by the blessing of the kitchen. I thought that was kind of hokey, but I need to give it another change. Like I said, I really do like Marianne, although she can sometimes be hard to understand.

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