I have never gone back and read any of my old posts. Until tonight. I wanted to find the post from the last time I went rock climbing. It was February 6, 2009. Here's the blog post.
It was on my "old" blog. If you don't know the history of my old blog it has to do with an online "fight" I had with a guy named Tony, the Anti-Jared. It was very ugly, and becasue of it, I shut down my blog. The entire incident reminds me of some of the online stuff I see these days between bloggers. Really stupid. Of course I immediately regretted my knee-jerk decision about shutting down my blog in February 2009, so I started a new blog, same title (this one).
As I was going through my old posts trying find the rock climbing one, I read several of them. I use to put a lot of thought into my posts. I was also very determined to lose weight and be healthy back then. As I read through my posts from 2009 I started wondering what happened to my spark. I was on fire back then and now I barely have an ember of enthusiasm left. I want to recapture that feeling.
I've decided to go back to my very first post on May 13, 2008, and read my history. Maybe I can learn something about myself. Maybe that girl that was so determined can help this girl that's feeling hopeless.
The Rock Climbing event today
It wasn't as fun as in 2009. Part of it was probably because I was exhausted from the last two weeks of working crazy hours and major stress, but a much larger part of it is my weight. When I did this in February 2009 I weighed 157 pounds (I posted that weight in the rock climbing post). Today I weighed 185 pounds. That's a difference of 28 pounds. The difference in how much harder it was today than it was in 2009 was huge, 28 pounds of huge.
I only climbed one wall today. In 2009 I climbed four walls. It wasn't the toddler wall like in the video from my 2009 post, but it was one of the easier ones. The only things positive about it is that a.) I did get to the top and b) my butt isn't quite as gigantic as I have it pictured in my head. Although the difference in my body from 2009 as seen in the video on my old post, and today, as I saw in pictures of myself, is huge and not in a good way.
I'm not sure why, but for some reason I can't pinpoint I feel very sad tonight. Sad that I didn't get to my goal weight when I was so close to it in 2009, sad that I've regained 28 pounds from my February 2009 weight, and sad that I didn't really have a good time today because of my weight.
Something I wrote in my 2009 rock climbing post keeps going through my head:
"That's what it all boils down to: self-care. Do we care enough to take care of our body? Maybe it's just something fun, like climbing a rock wall or opening day at the pool with your kids or riding in a 100-mile bike ride and giving it your best. Or maybe it's some type of critical surgery that your life depends on. Will you be ready? Think about that the next time you want to throw this all out the window. The next time you want to say to hell with counting Points, to hell with the freaking treadmill, to hell with the whole thing. You might as well be saying to hell with your life."
Why didn't I listen to myself back then? Maybe it's not too late. I can still take my own advice, right?