Why I'm so hard on myself
I've been thinking about writing this post for a very long time, probably years.
Almost weekly I get a comment on my blog that's basically the same thing, asking me the same questions: Diana, why are you so hard on yourself? Why don't you love yourself for who you are now?
I get these same comments in my real world too. Well meaning friends often ask me why I'm so negative about myself, why I'm continually putting myself down, beating myself up over my weight as well as many other things. Even when I had lunch with Grace and Roxie in March, Roxie said the same thing to me (said with compassion).
I know these comments and questions about how I don't value myself are said from the heart and meant to help me. For some reason that I can't explain, I find them hurtful. I usually immediately get defensive and almost always want to cry because I know it's true. I know it's really stupid to feel hurt, and it doesn't make any sense to anyone except to me.
It's feels like in addition to being fat, stupid, and ugly, now I have a personality flaw: I don't value myself.
I realize that people who say these things to me don't really mean it as an insult, they're merely trying to help me and boost my self-confidence. I hold nothing against anyone who has made these types of comments or asked these questions. If anything, I know you're compassionate and caring.
I really wish I knew why I feel this way about myself. I guess I just don't see what other people see. I look at pictures of myself or look in the mirror or even look at my soul. I don't see anyone worthwhile or attractive or even healthy. I see a fat, middle-aged woman barely hanging on.
I know this is something I need to work on, just not today.