Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Why I'm so hard on myself

Originally, the comments were off on this post, but I seriously hate it when someone posts something and I have something to say and can't. Makes me just a bit crazy. So I turned the comments back on, in case there are other nut cases out there like me. :)

I've been thinking about writing this post for a very long time, probably years.

Almost weekly I get a comment on my blog that's basically the same thing, asking me the same questions:  Diana, why are you so hard on yourself? Why don't you love yourself for who you are now?

I get these same comments in my real world too. Well meaning friends often ask me why I'm so negative about myself, why I'm continually putting myself down, beating myself up over my weight as well as many other things. Even when I had lunch with Grace and Roxie in March, Roxie said the same thing to me (said with compassion).

I know these comments and questions about how I don't value myself are said from the heart and meant to help me. For some reason that I can't explain, I find them hurtful. I usually immediately get defensive and almost always want to cry because I know it's true. I know it's really stupid to feel hurt, and it doesn't make any sense to anyone except to me.

It's feels like in addition to being fat, stupid, and ugly, now I have a personality flaw:  I don't value myself.

I realize that people who say these things to me don't really mean it as an insult, they're merely trying to help me and boost my self-confidence. I hold nothing against anyone who has made these types of comments or asked these questions. If anything, I know you're compassionate and caring.

I really wish I knew why I feel this way about myself. I guess I just don't see what other people see. I look at pictures of myself or look in the mirror or even look at my soul. I don't see anyone worthwhile or attractive or even healthy. I see a fat, middle-aged woman barely hanging on.

I know this is something I need to work on, just not today.


Lucy@DiminishingLucy said...

Hi Diana

I am glad you have comments turned on - I have just come across your lovely and so very honest blog and wanted to say hello.

I can idenify with this post so much - I have the same compassionate comments myself - and they do hurt.

I suspect the traits are all connected - a lack of self worth/self love/self confidence leading to overeating/guilt. It's a vicious cycle. SO frustrating.

Diminishing Lucy xx

hopefulandfree said...

You are not alone. And certainly not so different--my insecurity seems to come in sudden crashing waves of shame. Who knows from where or why. It just does. Then, thank heavens, it's gone again unless I start feeding it...friends help to remind me when that happens. Once in awhile I even catch it myself before it becomes tsunami. This life is a tough gig, even in good circumstances. I like your honesty.

Thanks so much for your kind words on my blog. I'm amazed when someone likes what I write. See? You can relate, right? :)

Ida said...

You are not so different than any of us. We all have self esteem problems of varying degrees. You just happen to be more verbal than some of us. Try not to be discouraged. It's all a matter of baby steps.

The title of this post is a joke, there's no new me. It's just the same old me, doing the same old stuff. Just for fun, I went back...