Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Happy in Seattle...sort of

Maybe "happy" is an exaggeration, but at least I'm not heartsick. Well, not totally anyway.

My heartsick post stemmed from me losing my two best buddies at work, both in the same week. Next week they're both moving to different teams. They'll still be on the same floor, and they'll still be my friends, but it will be different. Right now I know these two guys always have my back. I won't have that anymore.

Life goes on and since there's really nothing I can do about this situation, I have to get over it. I'm trying my best to stay positive, but it hasn't been easy. In my almost 28 years with my company, I've worked in several different areas and different cities. I've always had at least one and often two or three "best" friends at work. You know the kind of people I'm talking about. The kind where you can vent, and that you can trust 100%. The people that make you laugh when you feel like crying because you're so stressed out on your job. The people that are always there for you. Well, that's gone now. Even as I type this I feel the tears starting again (dammit anyway!).

Of course there will be new people, but I have this really strange feeling that it won't be the same. In fact, I'm positive it won't be the same. There are reasons I can't discuss here, but I know the new folks won't be my best friends, and they won't have my back. Oh well, that's life, right? It's painful to accept, but like I said, it's just the way things roll. It can't be "fixed".

Moving on to the issue at hand
My biggest problem right now (outside of me boohooing about my work situation), is my weight. Another dammit anyway topic. I didn't weigh this morning, but yesterday I was 187.8. Ouch! This is totally not where I want to be, and I don't know how to stop this roller coaster I'm on.

I'm not eating junk, I'm just continuing with eating too much of the healthy foods. It's all healthy. Fresh fruits and vegetables, baked or broiled chicken breasts and fish or shrimp, whole grain bread, Fage 0% yogurt, 2% cheese in very limited quantities (28 grams a day). That's pretty much all I eat, but I EAT TOO MUCH.

Every day starts out great. A great workout at the gym (almost every day, at least I'm still doing this right). A great breakfast, a great lunch, an afternoon snack, usually yogurt and fruit. Even dinner is usually healthy and a small portion. But I'm back to eating at night, late night.

I'm pretty sure this recent stint of night eating is because when I try to sleep I think about work. I can feel myself start to get upset and not wanting to think about it, but I can't shut my brain off. I wind up getting out of bed and grazing, and my grazing usually racks up about 500 calories or more. Last night it was three slices of Dave's Killer bread at 110 calories each (I need to stop buying this stuff because it too good), two bananas  and a cup of 1% milk, then later a giant bowl of fresh strawberries (the best strawberries ever). That's probably about 700 calories that was over my normal approximately 1500 calories. And I had the wise idea to skip the gym yesterday morning.

I really don't know how to get a grip on this out of control eating. I'm not eating junk, but I am eating way too much food. It's making me crazy that I feel so lost and out of control.

I guess "happy in Seattle" should probably have been titled "hopeless in Seattle".


Grace. said...

It will get better, stay strong :)

Mer and Mo said...

Diana - hang in there, it is the hardest thing when you have a good friend leave your work. I have had that happen several times, heartbreaking.

I am a late night eater, too - or used to be. I have had a few moments since January, but am getting through it. When I have that weak moment I think about how far I have come, how far I have to go and that the food is not going to "cure" me. Sounds like you are using food for comfort. What about journaling how you feel? Just one suggestion. This hill is one to climb and sometimes it takes longer then we had hoped.

Sending you good thoughts in your work transition and the late night snacking demon!

Staying MOtivated MO

Carrieheff said...

I'm sorry you are going through this. New relationships are never the same, but they have the potential to be better! Have faith!

I'm in the same boat you are with the diet. I wish I had answers or could give you some great advice. Just know that we are out here to listen and sympathize.

hopeful and free said...

Just a thought. What if, just maybe, your eating is not what's "out of control" but is what's giving you the illusion of control over other things? Feelings you might be discounting. Feel free to hiss and boo. :)

Please know you aren't alone with your struggle and I recognize all too well the feeling of being on a run-away "rollercoaster."

In fact, if you picture that exact metaphor as an image, it is very powerful! Even a stick-figure drawing of a person riding a roller coaster that's careening out of control...very creepy. Passengers screaming...

Worth paying attention to.

Stephen King would turn it into a best seller! Damn him. :) I think he may have once said something to the effect that he writes his terrors so he doesn't have to live them. Maybe that's his way of honoring his feelings. Lucky blankety-blank.

Grace said...

I'm not sure how you know the new people will not have your back. Keep an open mind and give whoever it is a chance. You might be surprised. You know what...I am jealous of the fact that you have folks that you are that close to. I never let myself get that close to anyone, so I've never had that experience. Even my closest friends are not that close. You are so lucky! :-)

Wish I could help you with the night eating. Is there anything else you could do when you get the urge to graze? Maybe listen to a hypnosis tape, or play on your computer? Believe it it not, I play solitaire on my computer for hours in the evening, and it totally keeps me out of the kitchen.

Hang in there, DIana!

Anonymous said...

I'm rooting for you!!

safire said...

Good luck with everything. I normally start the week off strong too then throw in the towel when weekend sets in. I'm sick of the cycle so June is all about re-booting!

The title of this post is a joke, there's no new me. It's just the same old me, doing the same old stuff. Just for fun, I went back...