Monday, May 16, 2011

Rambling Monday / 185.4

I'm back at work. wonderful, lovely work. I found out one of my best friends on my team accepted a position on another team. It made me want to cry finding out he's leaving. True, he'll only be about ten cubicles away from me on the same floor, still, it won't be the same. Things change, people come and go, it's called life. Sometimes it sucks.

Today is day four of the rest of my life. Three days in my pocket where I ate healthy, tracked my food, and worked out each day at the gym for an hour. Three days. Doesn't sound like much does it? Yet it makes me feel strong and capable of staying with this plan. Seeing the 185.4 on the scale this morning made it worth it. "It" being the hunger I felt these last few days. I'm starting to become accustomed to the slight feeling that I want to/need to eat. Often I don't even know if it's real or all in my head.

The 190.6 I saw last Friday morning was horrifying. I didn't really express how upset and scared I felt when I saw that number. So very close to 200.  There's always that little "what if" voice talking to me in my head. What if you can't rein this in? What if you gain back every pound and more? What if you kill yourself with food?

Did I mention before I left on vacation I purchased three pairs of blue jeans, all size 16, different brands? I didn't even try them on. They're all baggy and too long. I don't care. They feel great. Sort of like pajamas. My nieces told me I should have bought a smaller size, the 14's probably would have fit. Who goes from a size 12 right into a size 16? I was tired of the 12's cutting me at the waist and my muffin top overflowing. No muffin top now. Loose pants are good.

I skipped the gym this morning. Too tired. Now I have to pay my penance and go tonight. I detest evening workouts but it's not optional. It's part of the plan to lose the fat.

This post is all over the place. I really have nothing newsworthy to talk about. It's part of my new commitment to the blog every day. It helps me stay focused. Whether it helps anyone else, well, probably not today.


bbubblyb said...

sorry about your friend changing teams hope you can still stay in touch since he's still there. Way to go on the 4 days. I hope we both can figure this out. For me, I am not unhappy at 175-178 but I do still find myself struggling at times. I do think it's about finding some peace and not with food but from within. Something drives us to want the food, I think mostly it's inner anxiety for me. Anyway, I hope we both have a good week. *hugs*

Debbie said...

I fully understand about seeing a weigh-in number go up. I have gone up the last couple of weeks. Back on track now though. You have done great.